Collect some classic jokes to read

The Public Security Bureau received a call from the masses saying that there were two large bombs under the overpass. The police and bomb disposal experts rushed to the scene and found a red bag under the bridge. The experts and the police carefully opened the bag. , there were several layers of newspaper packages inside, and the police opened them layer by layer, and finally found two big bombs: four 2s; a pair of kings! !

Sunny on Monday, February 30th

The sun did not rise all day today, which is really bad. My father bought two goldfish and raised them in the water tank. One of them drowned. I am very sad. .

Teacher’s comment: I am also very sad. In all my life, I have never met a 30th in February! I have never seen a sunny day without the sun, and I have never seen a goldfish that would drown.

1. Title: While...while...

The child wrote: He was taking off his clothes and putting on his pants at the same time.

Teacher’s comment: Should he take it off or put it on?

2. Topic: Among them

The child wrote: One of my left feet is injured.

Teacher’s comment: Are you a centipede?

3. Title: Continuously

The children wrote: After get off work, my father came home one after another.

Teacher’s comment: How many fathers do you have?

4. Topic: Sad

The child wrote: There is a ditch in front of my house, which is very sad.

Teacher’s comment: The teacher is even sadder.

5. Topic: And...and...

Children write: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin.

Teacher’s comment: Is your mother a Transformer?

6. Topic: What are you looking at?

Children write: What are you looking at! I haven’t seen it

Teacher’s comment: I haven’t seen it

7. Title: Thriving and Prosperous

Children write: Confession of Thriving and Prosperous.

Teacher’s comment: Don’t watch too many TV series!

8. Topic: Delicious

Children write: It tastes so good.

Teacher’s comment: Some things cannot be eaten.

9. Topic: Innocence

Children write: It’s really hot today.

Teacher’s comment: You are so naive.

10. Title: Sure enough

The child wrote: Yesterday I ate fruit and then drank cold water.

Teacher’s comment: It’s a word

11. Question: First... then..., example question: Eat first, then take a bath.

The child wrote: Goodbye, sir!

Teacher’s comment: Imagination exceeds the wisdom of people on earth.

12. Topic: Moreover

Children wrote: A train passed by, besides, besides, besides, besides, besides, besides.

Teacher’s comments: I’ll just die

Ducks and crabs raced together and reached the finish line together. It was difficult to decide the winner. The referee said: Let's have a rock-paper-scissors game! The duck was furious: Damn, are you plotting against me? When I come out, it's paper, and he's always scissors.

One day A, B and C went to test their intelligence.

A puts his head into the machine first, and the machine displays 98. B also puts his head into the machine and the screen shows 2. C laughed when he saw this. Finally, C put his head into the machine and thought for a long time before "Please don't joke about rocks." appeared on the screen.

A few years later, the three of them took the intelligence test again.

A still puts his head into the machine first. I saw 99 displayed on the screen. B puts his head into the machine. After a while, the machine displays 5. C laughed again when he saw this. Finally Nian Bing put his head into the machine. This time the machine thought for a long time, and then the screen displayed "This stone looks familiar."

When I was in junior high school, I was in class one day, and suddenly I heard a loud noise in the back row. The whole class turned around and saw The student at the back had red and swollen lips (resembling Tony Leung Chiu Wai's appearance), and there were many plastic fragments stuck on it~~~ It turned out that this student had nothing to do in class and was biting and playing with a lighter. Unexpectedly, the quality was too poor and it exploded.

The son did not study well and was scolded by his mother.

After being scolded, the son looked at his father with sad eyes and said, "Why did you marry her?" The father also looked at his son with sad eyes and said, "It's not because of you."

Today at school During a group meeting, I suddenly sneezed unexpectedly. When I raised my head, I found that the snot had hit the back of the girl in front of me. The girl didn't notice it, so she secretly wanted to wipe it away for her. As soon as she reached up, the person next to her suddenly sneezed. The girl found out and yelled, "Why are you wiping your nose on others!!?"

When I got on the bus in the afternoon, I took out my bus card and threw it into the coin hole

My girlfriend wanted to check her phone bill, so she sent a text message to 10086: How much money is left on my phone bill?

Classmate A had a car accident, fractured his foot and was hospitalized

A few of our friends who had a good time went there Look at him

I met his parents as soon as I entered the inpatient department

I quickly went up to ask about A’s condition

As soon as I opened my mouth, it became

"Uncle and aunt, how did A die~~..."

His parents' faces turned green. .

Yesterday at Wal-Mart, I suddenly had a stomachache and rushed into the bathroom. As soon as I squatted down, I started to have an earth-shattering eruption. As a result, the child next door burst into tears. Her mother asked her what was wrong. She said, it stinks. ~~

The teacher likes to get involved in the topic. One day the teacher gave a topic: "My base radius is 20cm, my height is 50cm, then I..." Someone below said: "It's a loser..."

I heard from a friend that a relative of one of his colleagues came to Xiamen. The relative gave him a Xiamen e-card. When he got on the bus, the person showed the e-card to the driver and wanted to find a seat. The driver called Stopped him and said: "Read the card", he picked up the e-card and read out loud: "Xiamen e-card~~", the driver said: "Read it over there", this person actually walked directly to where the driver pointed , chanted with all his strength: "Xiamen e-cartoon"... the car lost control on the spot

Our math teachers always like to pretend to be humorous and tell jokes that no one laughs

We The whole class decided to prank him, and when he said his first sentence in class, we all laughed together

That day he came in and was silent for a while and said that his father had passed away

I immediately burst out laughing, and everyone else fell silent.

Walking in the supermarket

I saw a cashier counting a pile of coins very seriously

A child ran by and sang: "The Bridge in Front of the Gate" There is a group of ducks passing by downstream, come on, come on, count them, two, four, six, seven, eight. . . .

Then the cashier was very depressed and threw back the half-counted coins and counted them again....

When I lived on campus in high school, a classmate came home and asked him to help me carry it. After ordering something, he sent a text message: Burn some clothes and money for me.

I suddenly received a call that day: "Guess who I am? If you guess it correctly, you will get a gift!"

I guessed all the possible people, but it was still wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who the hell are you? If you don't tell me, I'll hang up the phone!"

As a result, the man said: "I'm a courier, and you have a package..."

I vomited blood at that time

While taking the bus today, at one stop the driver asked: "Close the back door!" No one answered, so he closed the back door and started. This was a weak voice from a girl in the car: "Open the door!" The driver braked angrily, opened the back door with a bang, and shouted: "Get out quickly!" Everyone in the car looked at the back door, but no one got out for a long time, looking at each other. I don't know what's going on.

At this time, the woman on the car TV said again: "Open the door!"

My wife and I went to visit Wat Pho, but my wife couldn't walk on the road, so I carried her on my back.

An old lady saw it and said seriously: I see you are also a person who has read. If your wife is sick, you should go to the hospital as soon as possible. Praying to Buddha is useless

When I was in school, the school was a bungalow. When the semester started in September, many new students came. One day, a new student, who seemed to be a class representative, was holding a pile of homework and asked me: "Where is the math office?"

"Next to the men's restroom." The math office is indeed next to the men's restroom, but on the left.

The man walked to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" to the door.

There was a pause, and a voice came from inside: "No entry!"

After high school military training, the first day of class is Chinese class.

My deskmate didn’t come over for a break and fell asleep during class.

The teacher saw, "The sleeping classmate,

Please answer this question."

The classmate woke up in excitement, "I don't Yes..."

Teacher: "Pay attention, don't sleep anymore,

Sit down! Then student No. 53 will answer this question."

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I don't know how to..."

The teacher was stunned, "Sit down, then classmate ××× will answer!"

The deskmate Then he stood up: "Teacher, I really don't know how!"

"Sit down! The Chinese class representative stood up and answered!"

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I am the representative of the Chinese class..."

I bought an iPod touch. A friend of mine told me that the screen is very hard, no film is needed, and the key can be swiped. . Then I scratched it with the key. Grass

65. Once, after the bell rang, a boy rushed into the classroom and rushed to the last row. The teacher said: Some students are late, so come in through the back door and don’t disturb others. ! After the boy sat down, he took out the bun and took a bite. He found a beautiful girl next to him and kept staring at her. He thought that MM hadn't had breakfast either, so he gave her the buns diligently. The teacher spoke again, this time with an ugly face: Forget it if some students are late and are still eating breakfast in class, it’s okay to eat it yourself, so don’t give the buns to the teacher!

Once I went to the United States with my colleagues. We were chatting in Beijing dialect in the supermarket. At this time, an American next to us asked in Beijing dialect: Are you from Beijing? Colleagues sweated profusely, and after chatting for a while they found out that the foreigner turned out to be the descendant of Americans who stayed in Beijing during the war. A colleague asked him: "How is your English?" The foreigner slapped his thigh and said: "English is so damn hard to learn!"

Hilarious essay composition: "Back to Alma Mater"

A high school classmate of mine wrote "Back to Alma Mater" for Propositional composition. Among the excerpts: I drove an expensive sports car, next to Xiaomi, back to my alma mater. Are you going back to your alma mater to get beaten up? Come donate! The students and teachers lined up to welcome him, and the principal’s face was filled with smiles. He shouted: “Welcome Wu Wanwan to return to his alma mater!”

The teacher commented after reading: It’s whimsical and unrealistic, take it back. Rewrite!

Rewritten content: I rode a Feige bicycle, carrying my wife and children back to my alma mater with a squeaking sound. Is the beating coming? Sponsorship is here! The principal said with a smile: "The school's funds are also tight now." In the end, only my former Chinese teacher sympathetically gave me 50 yuan and repeatedly warned: "Regain confidence in life and find a good job again!"

The teacher commented after reading: Profound intention and simple writing style , a rare masterpiece!

Tips for skipping school

Xiaoqiang doesn’t like going to school, so he often skips school to watch beautiful women. This morning, he went out again carrying his schoolbag and walked to school. He hasn't been to school for many days, so he decided to go to school today to take a look, but he was still a little hesitant. At this time, he passed by a steamed bun shop and saw cages of delicious steamed buns. Xiaoqiang had an idea. , "If I can eat ten buns today, I will definitely go to school." Thinking of this, he shouted loudly to his boss: "Boss! Give me nine buns."

When I was a child, my mother used to ask me Fun

Kitten, I have a problem. I always sneeze when I look at the sun. When I was a few months old, my mother discovered this problem in me, so. . . . When she was bored, she would hold me and sit in the shade, then stretch my head toward the sun, and listen to me sneezing "sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze." , and then continued to go out, I continued to "sneeze, sneeze, sneeze", and then retracted, so. . . Reach out, retract, reach out, retract. . . . Had a great time. . . .

The prank of the alarm clock

The summer of the second year of high school (boarding)． Someone set my alarm clock to two in the morning as a prank. ． ． ． Ling Ling Ling. ． I opened my hazy eyes and looked at the watch, and cursed fiercely in my heart: MD was screwed. ． ． Violent scenes. ． ． The guy on my lower bunk put on his clothes and held a basin and said: It's really cloudy today. Open the door and go to the water room! Sweat

You idiot actually peed in the refrigerator

A little boy asked his mother to accompany him to the toilet every night. The mother decided to change his bad habit, so she He said, go alone tonight and don't knock on the door to wake me up! Then, late at night, the little boy couldn't hold it in anymore and pushed open the toilet door in a daze...but the toilet light suddenly turned on! When the little boy was peeing... he felt a gust of wind blowing over his penis... He became more and more frightened... He lifted up his pants and went to wake up his mommy... After hearing what he said... his mommy slapped her In the past, he said: You idiot actually peed in the refrigerator!

“I can’t see things that are too far away,” the patient told the ophthalmologist.

"Please come with me," the doctor took the patient outside, pointed at the sun in the sky, and asked, "What do you think that is?"

"The sun." the patient answered.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

Xiao Gao borrowed a copy of "Human Words" from the library. Xiao Chen came up and joked: "You know that the highest state of learning Chinese is What?"

Xiao Gao replied casually: "What is it?"

Xiao Gao said: "Study how to die."

Xiao Gao concentrated on it. Read a book and ignore him. Xiao Chen asked again: "What do you think is the highest level of learning Chinese?"

Xiao Gao was annoyed and shouted: "Go to hell!"

Science exams are allowed in math exams calculator. While everyone was immersed in calculations, a classmate screamed, "cao, bring the remote control"...`

The boy finally plucked up the courage to ask the girl: What kind of boy do you like? Female: relatable. The boy said sadly: Can you make your head flatter?

When I was a child, my father watched me write compositions. There was a very simple word written wrong. My father smiled and said to my mother: "I found your son is very stupid." I became anxious and said loudly to my father: "Your son is stupid!"

When I boarded the plane for the first time, the stewardess greeted me at the door of the cabin. When she saw me coming in with my ticket, she asked, "Which seat are you in?" I replied, "I am a Libra, how about you?" "The flight attendant replied: "I am a Scorpio, I am asking which seat you are in."

When I was a freshman, I went to the cafeteria to pack bags. Unexpectedly, there was something wrong with the card swiping machine, and it was 150 yuan. , the brother who sold the buns tried hard for a long time but couldn't add it back, so he said pitifully: "It's okay

I remember you and will come here often until the extra money is used up." I had no choice but to Agreed.

It’s a pity that I have been eating steamed buns one meal after another for a whole semester. Brother Baozi still owes me 2 yuan and 3 yuan... The most annoying thing is that I didn’t find a girlfriend in four years of college! ! !

Until graduation, one day I was walking on the campus boulevard, and I heard a group of girls behind me pointing and whispering: "Yes, that's him! Don't find a boyfriend like this every day in the future. You don’t get paid to eat steamed buns in the second cafeteria!

A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man walking towards her with his arms open, like a hug, and he stepped forward and kicked her. The man fell to the ground and cried. Said: It’s already the third piece of glass. Who did I offend? Is it so difficult to bring a piece of glass home?

A student was praying to God: “Please let Tang Minghuang become the builder of the Great Wall. Well, that’s how I answered the history test just now. ”

Notice: Good news, good news! Students who dine in the second cafeteria at noon today will be lucky enough to go to the school hospital to receive a free X-ray physical examination at 4 p.m. This event is for one day only and is invalid after expiration! (See clearly, it’s free! :)).

(The small print below: Due to the negligence of Master Liu in the canteen, he accidentally lost a small shovel, four rice spoons and a torn rag while cooking)

See me today My son's test paper was for the third grade of elementary school. There was a question in it, "Can you describe your favorite season in detail?"

Then my son honestly wrote on the answer space. "Can't", fell to the ground...

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese were walking in the desert and saw a bottle while walking. , after opening the cork, a man floated out, and the man said: 'I am a god, I can grant each of you three wishes!'

The Americans were the first to say: 'I am the third wish. One wish is for a lot of money.' The fairy said: 'This is simple, it will satisfy you! Let's talk about the second wish.' The American said: I want a lot of money!' After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American Then he said his third wish: 'Take me home.' The fairy said: 'No problem.' So the American returned to the United States with a lot of money.

The fairy asked the French again The Frenchman said: 'I want a beautiful woman!' The fairy gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman said again: 'I also want a beautiful woman!' The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman... The Frenchman finally Said: 'Send me back to France.'

After the fairy sent the Frenchman back to his country, he asked the Chinese what they wanted.

The Chinese said: 'Let me have a bottle of Erguotou first.' The god gave it to him and asked him what his second wish was. The Chinese said: "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The god asked him what his third wish was.

The Chinese said: 'I miss the French very much. and Americans, please bring them back

PART2

The French and Americans were extremely popular, but they had no choice but to keep walking. As I was walking, I saw another bottle. After opening the stopper, another person appeared. The person said, "I am the apprentice of the immortal just now. My magic power is not as strong as his, so I can only grant two wishes for each of you." France The people and the Americans thought it would be better to let the Chinese talk first, so as not to be brought back later.

So the Chinese said: 'Then let's have a bottle of Erguotou first.' The god satisfied him. The French and Americans urged the Chinese to tell the second wish quickly. After drinking Erguotou, the Chinese said to the gods calmly: 'Okay, it's okay, you can go away.'

part3

The Americans and the French continued to trek angrily with the Chinese. As they walked, they saw another bottle. After opening the cork, another person floated out. The person said :'I am the apprentice of that immortal's apprentice, and I can only grant one wish to each of you!' The Americans rushed to say, 'I never want to see that Chinese man again.' The immortal said, 'Okay.' , then turned to the Frenchman and asked: 'Where's yours? ’ The Frenchman hurriedly said, ‘I don’t want to see that Chinese guy either.’ The fairy said, ‘Okay.’ Then he turned to the Chinese guy and asked, ‘Where’s yours? 'The Chinese said: 'What they said doesn't count'

part4

So the Americans and the French followed the Chinese with gritted teeth and saw another bottle while walking. , after opening the cork, another person floated out. The person said: 'I am the apprentice of the apprentice of the fairy, and I can only grant one wish to the three of you!' The Americans and the French shouted in unison: ' What the Chinese said means nothing'. The man said: 'Okay', so he turned around and asked the Chinese: 'What do you want to say? ’ The Chinese said: ‘Let them all go back to their respective countries and don’t suffer like me’

A complete collection of mental hospital jokes!

(1)

A patient came to a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always feel like I am a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that’s serious. When did it start?

Patient: Since I was a little bird.

(2)

A doctor at a mental hospital asked a patient: What would happen to you if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied: Then I won’t be able to hear it.

The doctor listened: Yeah. Very normal.

The doctor asked again: What would happen to you if I cut off your other ear?

The patient replied: Then I won’t be able to see it.

The doctor became nervous: How could he not see it?

The patient answered: Because the glasses will fall off.

(3)

Two mentally ill patients escaped from the hospital.

The two ran and ran and climbed up a tree.

One of the people jumped down from the tree and rolled.

Then he raised his head and said to the person above: Hey... why don't you come down...?

The person above answered him: No...ok...ah...

I'm not familiar with it yet...

(4)

There is an old lady in the mental hospital. She wears black clothes every day, holds a black umbrella, and squats at the door of the mental hospital

The doctor thought: To heal her, we must start by understanding her.

So the doctor also wore black clothes, held a black umbrella, and squatted there with her.

The two squatted in silence for a month.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor: Excuse me...

Are you...also a mushroom...?

(5)

A certain mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the director convened a meeting with the patients at the hospital.

The hospital The long sermon said: "This afternoon, very important leaders are coming to visit, and everyone must go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome, all patients stand on both sides of the hospital door. Neatly, when I cough, everyone claps together, the more enthusiastic the better; when I stamp my feet, everyone must stop, no one can make a mistake, and everyone must do it well.

You can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. As long as one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember?

" The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember? !”

That afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he walked into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door.

At this moment, the director coughed. , all the patients applauded and welcomed, and the atmosphere was very warm. The leaders who came to visit

were infected by the warm atmosphere, smiled and walked into the hospital applauding with everyone. Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the dean stamped his foot and the applause of the hospital stopped. It was very neat. Only this leader was still smiling and applauding. The dean was very satisfied. Suddenly, a sick man as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcoming crowd. He strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face, and shouted angrily - —"Don't you want to eat steamed buns?!!!"

6) Mental patient A stole the phone number book from the nurse's office back to the ward. Ask B: "What do you think of the novel I completed recently?"

B looked at it and replied: "Not bad, not bad. However, there are just too many characters."

At this time, the nurse from the mental hospital came in and said: "Put the phone number book back for me!"

(8)

Two mental patients Mr. A and Mr. B recovered at the same time. Their attending doctor said to them: "If one of you gets sick, the other one will send him to the hospital immediately."

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "It's terrible, Mr. B has been crawling in the toilet of my house since this morning. I have to say that he is mine." Toilet."

"Hurry, bring him here!"

Jun A was silent for a moment: "Then...don't I have a toilet?"

(9)

In a mental hospital, a mental patient fished in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a nurse jokingly asked: "How many fish did you catch today?"

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted: "There is something wrong with your brain, didn't you see it?" Is it an empty fish tank? ”

(10)

There is a mental hospital where many lunatics live.

One day, the director there thought of a way to check on the recovery of the patients. I told these patients, "Come here, all of you." He drew a door on the wall and said, "Today, whoever opens this door can return home." Home."

When the mentally ill people heard this, they swarmed up and surrounded the door of the painting. The dean felt very disappointed. At this time, he found out that one of the patients was still there. He sat in his original position and didn't move. He thought it was okay, so he stepped forward and asked, "Why don't you open the door?"

He looked at the dean and said In a word, the dean couldn't laugh or cry after hearing this.

The patient secretly told the director: "I have the key."

(11)

Patients in hospital psychiatric departments often complain to doctors or The nurse has an admiration complex.

One day, a female patient came to a male doctor...

Female patient: Doctor Lan, do you love me?

Doctor Lan thought for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid worsening of the condition).

Dr. Lan: Our relationship is between doctor and patient. Because you are sick, I must take good care of you...

(In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained After a long time, I finally finished explaining)

Female patient: Doctor Lan, do you mean you don’t love me?

Dr. Lan (thinking hard): Hmm...hmm...hmm...

Female patient: Fortunately...I love Dr. Chen...

(12)

A new nurse came to a mental hospital. When she first arrived, she saw a patient in the hospital milling around an ancient well.

Muttered: " 13, 13,..." The little nurse felt quite strange and couldn't figure out what "13" meant. She kept observing it for several days and always wanted to ask what happened. , but she was afraid that the patient would have an attack, so she never dared.

One day, the little nurse finally couldn't restrain her curiosity, slowly walked to the patient, and looked into the well

Looking. Suddenly the patient hugged the nurse's legs, lifted them down, and began to read: "14, 14, 14,..."

(13)

There was a patient who was crazy He shouted: I am the dean, you all have to listen to me!

The attending doctor and nurse asked him:

He replied: God said it. /p>

At this time, a patient next to him suddenly jumped out and said: I never said that!

(14)

A patient went to see a doctor for the first time. /p>

“Have you consulted anyone about your condition before coming here? "The doctor asked.

"I only asked the owner of the pharmacy on the corner," the patient replied.

The doctor hated that people who were not doctors often gave medical advice. He did not hide this point: "What bad idea did that fool give you?" "

"He asked me to come to you. "

(15)

In a psychiatric hospital, a patient was writing a letter. The nurse saw it and asked him curiously.

The nurse : Who are you writing to?

Patient: To myself!

Nurse: What are you writing to?

Patient: You? Psycho! How do I know if I haven’t received it?

(16)

There was a psycho who got a pistol from somewhere. He was walking in a small black alley.

Suddenly I met a young man. Without saying a word, I put him on the ground and put a gun to his head! Asked: 1 1 = how many? The young man was frightened! After pondering for a long time, I answered tremblingly: equal to 2```? Psycho shot him without hesitation! Then he pulled the gun into his arms and said coldly: You know too much```