Are there any funny jokes?

1. The telephone bill is overdrawn by 900,000 yuan, and the sentence is indefinite, and the person is killed and sentenced to 3 years; ATM malicious withdrawal 1.7 million yuan was sentenced to life, and corruption of tens of millions was sentenced to 1 year. -Wonderful China.

2. When I arrived at a temple, I got a message from a monk: donate some money, just 3500 yuan. Answer: I really don't have that much money with me. Maybe next time. The monk replied: you can swipe your card.

3. "Sarah, you sing so well, I will keep you at 10. But I voted for Yico Zeng, because you are so strong, you will definitely advance organically. "

Well, Mr. Zhang, you can't press CTRL+C on the home computer and then CTRL+V on the company computer. Not even the same article. No, no, it's not even an expensive computer.

If you don't often encounter setbacks, it means that what you do is not very innovative-Woody Allen.

6. "If only your parents had spent those ten minutes walking. . . "

7. Lei Feng did a good deed without leaving a name, but everything was recorded in his diary.

8. The physical education teacher in junior high school said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt to my class again will be punished for handstand.

9.2008 is so abnormal, everything is abnormal! ! At this critical moment, China Men's Football Team stepped forward and proved to the world that China Men's Football Team is still normal!

10. What touched my father the most: "Study hard, son. Dad used to play mahjong 10 yuan, and now he plays mahjong for you. " . . "

1 1. After seeing the advertisement of painless abortion for three minutes on TV, my grandmother said angrily, "This is telling young people to fuck around quickly. Anyway, it won't hurt in three minutes. "

12. Seeing that Chengdu has designated the bus victim as the murderer, Shanghai is envious. How much they want to say that the building was knocked down by dead workers.

13 Never seen his wife. Four years. She gave birth to a big fat boy for me last year ... I really want to go home and see it.

1. A female friend's birthday, the four of us discussed sending her a "Happy Birthday" at 0: 00, each of us sent a word, and I got the second one.

As a result, they didn't send it

2. Students go to the toilet between classes, and when they are finished, they find that there is no paper, they can't wait for people, and their mobile phones are in arrears. In desperation, he called 10086 for help. . . It is said that there was silence for a long time, and later ... his classmate received such a short message in class: Hello, China Mobile User, your classmate is in the toilet and asked you to send him toilet paper. Please contact 10086 for details.

3. I got up in the morning and saw a Netease comment. The original is a screenshot.

First floor: Everybody calm down. Come and listen to the fifth floor. ! ~

Second floor: I think the fifth floor is very reasonable.

The third layer: the fifth layer speaks the voice of the people.

Fourth floor: The fifth floor is really nice!

Fifth floor: upstairs are full of idiots.

The bedroom is on the sixth floor. When I climbed up, I found that I didn't have my key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt for it. Then I climbed up to open the door, went down to return the key and climbed up again. I found the door closed. A classmate next door passed by and asked, "You see your door is open, I'll close it for you." …

5. 1955 China's per capita income is 3.2 times that of South Korea and 1. 1 times that of Japan. However, after more than 50 years of "earth-shaking" growth, the per capita income of China in 2008 was 3% of Japanese and 7% of Korean.

6. My girlfriend said I was too girly at night. I was angry, so I quarreled with her. I want to be a man, but I finally can't help crying.

7. A buddy got up the courage to express his deep feelings to MM on QQ, and MM later replied: I am her mother, and I am here to steal food.

8. If you have nothing to do in the morning, just look at the company homepage. Seeing the new recruitment content above, I was bored and found my position impressively listed. ...

9. The student who blew the north wind took a fancy to a mother-daughter combination. That girl is amazing. After a fierce ideological struggle, the north wind followed them all the way to the parking lot and finally moved.

Beifeng: Hello, Aunt!

Mom: Hmm. ...

Beifeng: Well, I want to know your daughter.

Mom: She is my daughter-in-law ~

The north wind fainted on the spot, and the girl blushed, but her mother was very open-minded: "Young man, you are very brave."

Well, haha ... "

Then the mother-in-law drove away.

10. A big brother in the dormitory said one day who is this wma? He sang many songs in my MP3.

1 1. The teacher called the roll in class: "Liu Hua!" As a result, the following children shouted back: "Yeah!" The teacher was very angry: "Why didn't you say' here'?" The child said, "That word is pronounced' yeah' ...".

12. On this day, I suddenly found out that I have a big aunt, a second aunt, a fourth aunt and a fifth aunt, but I don't have a third aunt. So I went to ask my dad: Why don't I have a third aunt? I thought for a moment: Did Third Aunt die when she was young? My dad said: your third aunt is your mother!

13. I want to play a joke on my boyfriend, pretend to find a pair of ladies' underwear (actually mine) under his bed, and then question him. At first, he refused to admit it. Unexpectedly, under my pressure, he actually hugged me and began to admit his mistake.

14. Netease user [7] original post (22 1.233. *.*):

I once quarreled with my husband, and I felt very uncomfortable. I squatted on his head while he was sleeping.

I was going to fart and smell it, but I pulled a pile of shit on his face too hard.

15. The man was away on business and suddenly went home. He heard the man snoring at the door. The man walked away silently and sent a text message to his wife: divorce.

Three years later, his wife told him: it's Rising's little lion!

16. Once the bell rings, everyone must go home. When I went down the stairs, my left foot stepped on my right foot, and a big font hit the middle of the road ... I thought at that time: No way, it's embarrassing, I pretended to be dizzy.

As a result, the classmates next to me saw me motionless, quickly helped me up, and then slapped me on the body. ...

17. A classmate, his computer automatically turns on every morning (probably because the dormitory suddenly opened when he called in the morning).

As a result, his old man took a symbol and posted it on the computer. . .

18. Dad hates foreign singers. But one day, when I was watching Mike Jackson's mtv, I suddenly found my father standing behind watching it with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Dad, do you like this, too?"

Dad shook his head: "Mao Amin is really getting ugly."

19. A female friend and a homosexual share a house. One night she was very depressed, and that gay gave her a bowl of noodles very thoughtfully. She suddenly felt very warm and said, "Why don't we make do with it?" Unexpectedly, Guy's face changed greatly:' You don't have a man, I do! "

…………

20. Yesterday, I received a message from QQ requesting to be a friend: "I am your mother", and I immediately replied "I am your father!" I was rejected, and then I got a call from my mother saying, "Add me, quick!" "

2 1. One day, halfway through physical education class, the bathroom solved personal problems. As a result, I was so anxious that I went into the men's room by mistake. I was cheated when I saw a boy urinating in a urinal. A second later, I was about to retreat quietly. Turns out she fainted. I saw the boy shouting "rogue, indecent assault" and then covering his chest with his hand. Later, later, I said something that I found incredible. "Classmate, you cover the wrong place ..."

22. I was drunk and went to the bathroom of a restaurant to pee. See a sentence written on the wall, take a closer look. It says, "Don't look here, just pee." By the time I finished reading this sentence, I had wet my shoes.

23. I am an ambulance doctor. Today, a patient told me that he had only six months to live. I want to say something encouraging! Comfort: six months, soon passed, be strong!

24. On the eve of Singles Day, I received a short message from my girlfriend "Happy Singles Day to you". I replied: I have a girlfriend, and I am not single! Another: When you receive this message, you will be.

25. Every time a wife quarrels with her husband, she has to go to the toilet for half a day. If this happens more often, her husband will have to ask her: What are you doing in the toilet? It seems quite Japanese? The wife said: brush the toilet! My husband asked if flushing the toilet could be fucking solved. The wife said: I don't know, anyway, every time I use your toothbrush.

26. I once rented A Jin Tianyi in Manba, and when I saw the second page, I burst into tears. I don't know who drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote, this is the murderer. ...

27. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

28. On a whim, I used my photo as a computer desktop … and then the computer was poisoned …

29. Talk in a dream together in high school.

"Love the princess, love the princess, don't leave me."

I was stunned. ...

soon

"I am not reconciled, I am not reconciled."

I just had a breakdown. ...

30. Our math teacher always likes to tell jokes that nobody laughs at.

Our whole class discussed making fun of him, and when he said the first sentence in class, we all laughed in unison.

He came that day and silently said that his father had passed away.

I laughed at once, and everyone else was silent.

3 1. I farted on the bus,

Seeing people waving around, their faces are full of pain.

I also waved.

The lady next to her turned and said, stop pretending.

32. My wife and I went to the Reclining Buddhist Temple to play. My wife couldn't walk on the road, so I carried her.

An old woman saw it and said seriously, you see, you are also a scholar. My wife is ill, so it's no use going to the hospital earlier.

When I was in primary school, I only had a few cents of pocket money every day. Once I saved it for a few days and finally bought a pack of spiced melon seeds. In class, I secretly broke them all, and the melon seeds were put in the desk drawer.

When I came to class in the afternoon, I looked at the melon seed shell, and when I was greedy, I put it in my mouth again and contained it again. It feels delicious. .

When class was over, a classmate asked me what to eat, so I had to say eat melon seeds. I bought spiced melon seeds specially, and only the shell without meat is delicious. . As a result, a group of classmates gathered around my seat that afternoon and ate the melon seeds I licked twice. . . .

34. Go to a friend's house to play. It happens that my friend's wife is breastfeeding. It happened that the child refused to breast-feed, so I joked with the child: Eat quickly, or my uncle would not dare to see them if he ate .55555.555555555556

35.2L, is that you? It's beautiful. It saved me a lot of money. I don't have to eat this year.

36. Visiting the supermarket, I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins. A child ran over and sang: There are a group of ducks passing by the bridge in front of the door. Come and count, 24678. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and poured the half-counted coins back and counted them again. ....

37. There used to be a baby (male) in our dormitory, who was honest, a little stupid, and sometimes stupid and cute. Once after the lights went out at night, everyone was chatting again. He said, when I have money, I'll find three girls. We were provoked by him and asked him what happened next, but he calmly said, playing mahjong …

Chatting with a sister, she said: The day before yesterday, my boss, a man, looked at my computer for a long time and said, "Xiaoke, do you grow vegetables, too?" This is working time! "I looked at him with melon seeds and said," Manager Zhang, this is my desktop. Where did you see Super Mary standing on the vegetable field? "

39. The funeral procession downstairs is playing "Often Go Home".

I wonder what that family thinks.

40. I met a great man by subway in the morning.

On the subway, suddenly a buddy's phone rang loudly.

All the passengers heard: Grandpa, that grandson called you again. . . . Grandpa, that grandson called you again. . . . Grandpa, that grandson called you again. . . . .

I saw that buddy slowly took out his mobile phone and answered: Hey, Dad, what's up? . . .

4 1. Think of one thing in college.

In the final exam of the university, the test number is required on the test paper.

I wrote the fucking QQ number

42. My head teacher in junior high school is very fierce. Every Friday, before going to school, he has a class meeting to give lectures. Once, she was so excited that she said sternly, "Why are you so disappointing? I have racked my brains for this class. " At that time, several classmates and I tried not to laugh, so we had to bury our heads deeply. I remember a buddy lying on the table, biting his hand hard. . .

43. A male colleague has been pestering his best friend to develop a relationship with her. Have the cheek to ask her phone number all day to make excuses. My best friend has no choice but to feel her pockets. Last week, the fifth anniversary of the old man, she went to the cemetery and happened to buy a pack of paper towels with the phone number of the crematorium on it. So I told my male colleague the number.

The next day, a man was puzzled to tell everyone that he called to ask if Miss XX was in. The other party replied: Was it sent before yesterday? The day before yesterday has been burned, and today's has not been put into the furnace.

44. Once you make friends, you need to fill in your personal information.

I was stupid and naive to fill in the occupation and zodiac backwards.

This is not a problem! But my zodiac sign is chicken, crazy …

45. We went to Xuyang Township for investigation, and the township leaders personally accompanied us to meet the village head in Dili. I feel sick in my stomach and suddenly want to go to the toilet. The village chief pointed to the thatched shed in front and said, it's right there. I hurried to the thatched shed. I just opened the straw curtain and saw a sister-in-law in the toilet. I'm leaving now. At this time, the eldest sister-in-law in the shed cried. Brother, I hope to move aside so that the two of us can squat down. ...

46. Dormitory buddies are violent. One day, he found a mosquito in a mosquito net. He was busy catching it for a long time, but he didn't catch it. The buddy sighed and said, "Shit, I'm starving!" Then quickly put away the mosquito net, endured it for several days and finally starved the mosquito to death. Our sweat is nothing, right? Many people have done it.

One day, he found a fly flying into the mosquito net and said to us, "I must kill him." We said, "flies are hungry. It seems that you can't rely on them."

"Look," the man grabbed a novel, got into the mosquito net and sealed it. I kept shaking my fan while reading a novel, just to keep the flies from landing. As a result, after two hours, the fly finally couldn't fly. He leaned down and poked the fly and said, "Fly, I haven't read enough books."

I remember going to the swimming pool with my parents once. Just entering the gate, I saw a social youth with a tattoo, a shaved head and a big gold chain around his neck! When we got into the water to get used to the temperature, we watched the brother swagger past a stop point in the water, and lightning happened. . . The thick gold chain around his neck floated on the water. . . . .

On July 22, 2009, I met a buddy on a BBS and said, "TMD, the solar eclipse was in the daytime, which made me wait all night."

49. Female friends will be accosted when they go to the wedding banquet and ask us what clothes to wear. Answer: red or white cheongsam. So he twisted gracefully to the restaurant in cheongsam.

I came back to report at night and was accosted countless times today. Topics of conversation include: hasn't the food on our table been served yet? Miss, please provide some rice. Two bottles of snow beer! Excuse me, where is the toilet? Is this XX and XX's wedding banquet?

When my brother takes the bus, a beautiful girl always looks at him. The younger brother thought: the girl may be interested in herself and can't help but be happy. The girl got off at the station. The younger brother immediately followed. The girl walked in front and looked back from time to time. The younger brother got up the courage to run forward and said humorously, "Miss, why do you always look at me?" Is there a grain of rice on my face? The girl glared at him and said, "Are you sick?" I know. I still don't wipe it. "