Who can tell me a joke that makes me laugh?

1. When I go to work in the morning, the bus is very crowded and there are so many people.

At the second stop, a little beauty came up, followed by a man. They don't seem to know each other I haven't spoken for several times. Xiaomei should be around 1.62, and I am 1.80, which is basically one head taller than her. The kind of packaged soybean milk that Xiaomei is holding. He stood in front of me. Because of the special crowd, Xiaomei stood in the middle and couldn't catch the handrail at all. Perhaps because she was afraid of spilling soy milk, she held the paper cup filled with soy milk high above her shoulders and took a sip from time to time. I didn't eat breakfast in the morning, and I was really hungry when I smelled soybean milk. She took a sip and the whole country rested. The straw is just not far from my mouth, about 3 cm at most.

After a while, I couldn't help it. I opened my mouth and took a sip. It's very light. Xiaomei didn't notice it. Then she took a sip, then raised her shoulder, and I took another sip. After a while, the soybean milk should be gone, but I don't know. She said to herself, "What a world this is! The soybean milk seller lied. They pack so little, and a few moves will soon be finished. " I almost laughed at that time. When she lifted the paper cup to her shoulder again, I smoked it step by step. As a result, because there was not much inside, I made a "hem" sound when I smoked. Xiaomei turned around fiercely, and I was petrified at that time. I have her straw in my mouth. Where is the stiffness? It was embarrassing. MB, I have the idea of jumping off a car. Xiaomei said, "What are you doing? Does it taste good？ Do you want me to buy you another drink? Look at you dressed so handsome, you don't look like a poor man. " Me: "..."

I'm still scared when I think about it. At the next stop, Xiaomei got off, and several people around me were watching me all the time. I said to myself, "It's my girlfriend. You're kidding me." I just finished. The man who got on the bus with Xiaomei said, "What are you talking about, brother? I'll let you drink soy milk, and so will you. " Is it my girlfriend? "Me:" Ah, then why don't you get off? "Brother said," she arrived, and I didn't. I have a few more stops to go. Are you a little shameless? I drank all the soy milk. So many people, I won't say more. You want my girlfriend too. Is it mine? " I whispered, "It's yours, it's yours, I don't want it. " 。"

I just got to the station, so I jumped down. . . I'm sweating all over.

Too flustered.

It's so tangled

I am sad.

2. Once I suddenly thought of going swimming, I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket, because there was no other color, only red. As a result, I didn't expect the swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, a wisp of red came out of my lower body and rippled in the water ... An uncle swam past me, looked at the red "blood" under me and looked at my bare upper body. For an instant, his expression was very contradictory. ...

3. I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with low emotional intelligence finally met a girl he liked, and they just started dating.

Once a girl was ill, and a boy accompanied her to the infirmary for intravenous drip.

Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, and nothing happened.

Thinking of breaking the silence, the boy asked, "Is it cold?"

"cold"

"Cold, I'll cover it for you?"

The girl blushed and whispered "good"

Then the boy stood up. . . . . . . . . . Cover the drip bottle with your hand.

When I was a child, I often bullied my sister because of my age. One night, my father came to tuck us in and suddenly found my three-year-old sister sitting in the dark watching me sleep!

Why don't you go to bed? Dad asked.

Sister quickly said: shh! Keep your voice down and hit her when she falls asleep!

5.

This man is hard of hearing as he grows old. I remember when I was a child at my grandmother's house, one morning my grandfather was going fishing, and I met the old man next door as soon as I went out. The old man said to my grandfather, "Go fishing!" My grandfather said, "No! I'm going fishing. " Then the old man said, "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I was stunned.

6.

I didn't pay attention to washing the dishes. I dropped it on the floor. Fortunately, except for a corner on the side, it became a small gap.

Then continue to wash the dishes. My right hand didn't pay attention. I passed through the gap ... it was broken.

I thought: Is it really that fast? I can break my hand. Then I tried it with my left hand and it broke.

I thought to myself, that was fast. If this bowl is used for eating, it will soon be miserable. Then nc, I tried it with my mouth ... my lip was broken ...

7.

A couple on the bus, the woman let a pervert touch her, and her boyfriend was expressionless. After arriving at the station, her boyfriend pulled the pervert out of the car, beat him skillfully and took his girlfriend away. Analysis of the reasons for a website's voting. 75% voted "This kid is waiting for his skills to cool down ..."

8.

There is a steamed stuffed bun shop near the subway station, and the business is very good. Next to the queue every day is a train ticket sales point.

Queue up there to buy steamed buns today. When I was about to arrive, I heard two men behind me say, Oh, this is the steamed stuffed bun shop, the train ticket conductor … Ah, it's over there!

9.

Once, I went to the underground city to brush the map with the warriors ... half an hour passed, and suddenly a message came from the loudspeaker, which almost killed me. "The students from the middle school affiliated to Zhejiang XX Mine came and ran away." .....

10.

When buying gloves, the boss wants 35, and I said 30. The boss insisted on 35 and refused to give in after several talks. I thought about it and gave a 50, and he quickly gave me 35. . . .

1 1.

In high school, our toilet had a door with a spring, which could return to its original position, but it could only be opened in, not out.

Many people have the habit of opening the toilet door and kicking it.

Most people just kick about knee-high. I have a classmate who has practiced martial arts, probably to show off or to maintain his flexibility. He always lifts his feet high and kicks them to about the height of his chest.

One night, the man went to WC, walked to the door, didn't think about it, lifted his foot and kicked.

As soon as our dean had finished speaking, he pushed the door and went out.

So our dean was kicked back to the toilet by my classmates. . .

12.

Take your wife to the physical examination in the morning, and after taking blood:

Nurse: You can get the list on the 32nd.

Wife: 65438+1October 32 or February 32.

I (weak): February 1.

Nurse (Khan): Yes ~ Yes ~ Yes ~

13.

I flew a few days ago and found a beautiful woman sitting next to me. According to the principle of chatting up, I blurted out, where do you get off?

14.

The cat pounced on someone, got a new girlfriend, and wanted to visit her home. Knowing that he often swears, his girlfriend repeatedly warned him not to talk nonsense, and some people readily agreed. After the meeting, someone responded freely without saying anything, and his girlfriend's parents were very satisfied. After dinner, in the cold winter, my girlfriend's parents insisted on sending each other to the side of the road. Some people are very touched and their brains are hot. He blurted out, "Uncle, don't see me off. Go back quickly. Look at that!"

15.

Today, my boss asked me to delete all the CS in Internet cafes. I have been busy all night. Why do you want to delete CS? Actually, the cause is this. I heard the news of the temporary inspection by the Public Security Bureau today. For several days in a row, I became a street sweeper and drove all creatures below 18 out of the internet cafe. So when the police uncles came from afar, my boss and I were not nervous. However, it is a pity. When the police uncles just stepped into the door of the Internet cafe, a group of people playing CS in the Internet cafe shouted excitedly: "The police are coming! The police are coming! The police are in the dog hole! Brothers, let's go! Kill them! " All right. I admit, at that moment, not only the faces of the police uncles were green, but also the faces of my boss and I were horribly green.

16.

There is a big sister who has done something very funny.

She has a mobile phone and a PHS. One day, she changed a new mobile phone card. A colleague asked her what her new number was. She said she forgot, so she dialed her PHS with her changed mobile phone.

While dialing, I continued to chat with my colleagues. After PHS rang, she answered and asked, "Hello? ..... hello? ..... You talk, don't talk, I hang up! "

All the colleagues present were stunned.

Then she hung up and said, "psycho, don't talk on the phone."

17. My wife went on a business trip and didn't come back for several days.

She secretly sent me a short message at the meeting in the afternoon. The leader next to him slept like a dead pig. It's so funny ~

As a result, the telecom problem was sent to my mobile phone in the middle of the night.

I almost jumped off a building. ...

18. I remember that a buddy slept in the last row in the evening study in high school. I woke up suddenly, and then turned off the lights to sleep. At that time, the whole class looked silly.

19. Worried about the names of children in the future, the first generation. Uncle's cousin is called Chen Guandong, and Bo Er's cousin is called Chen Guannan. Yesterday, my mother said that a cousin of Sanbo's family gave birth to a baby named Chen Guanbei. Shit, the family is sinister! Third brother, this is hurting me. However, I just finished watching "The Prosperous Age", and after admiring it, I have secretly planned to be crowned champion. You can't tell my little cousin.

20. In my junior year, I had lunch with bf in the school cafeteria at noon. There were so many people that I finally got a face-to-face seat. The couple sitting behind me are also face to face. I'm back to back with that boy. Suddenly, the couple began to quarrel. It seems that the rice cooked by that boy is not delicious, and I don't care. I continued to eat happily ~ I heard a bang while eating, and suddenly I felt a very hot feeling coming from my hair on my back. By feeling, a pot of spicy rice noodles covered my head, and I was petrified for a minute ~ numb At this moment, a male voice whispered in my ear: Sorry, she is going to hit me!

2 1. I have a friend He said that his college classmates once went to the university cafeteria for dinner. At that time, he was holding a lunch box and hesitated to eat. He murmured: chicken or fish? Aunt in the canteen urged him to choose quickly. As soon as he patted his head, he shouted, eat the chicken! Aunt in the canteen froze for three seconds and gave him a sausage. . .

22. The big cat at home gave birth to six kittens, which are very cute. Because they are just born and haven't opened their eyes yet. For some reason, a kitten can't find a guy to eat with, or the competition is too great to catch it. One day, the big cat went out to eat. I went to see it and found that the kitten was holding the tail of another kitten, sucking and sucking.

23.

The students told stories about her middle school days. In class, a boy fell asleep at his desk and was found by the teacher. The teacher is very calm: the deskmate cares.

. . .

This is really a washing tool. . . The deskmate took off his coat and put it on the sleeping boy. . .

24. My computer password is: Fuck you, and then yesterday my boss wanted to use my computer, and then asked me to send the password to his mobile phone. ...

25. One day, a group of young people of unknown origin came to open a private room for their birthday. They are all dressed up, thinking that another black sheep from Gao Qian is coming to have fun. After asking, don't miss it, don't serve food, so I sent a platter, which didn't matter.

Comrade JC will check after midnight. But I don't think these people are taking drugs. JC looked at a bunch of young people and asked me, we don't know each other. Without saying anything, I caught it. So, comedy happened.

A man with glasses is lying on the wall, swimming on all fours. The expression is very obscene. JC, go up and drag it down. Glasses man: awesome, I've become a gecko, and you can still recognize me.

26. It turns out that when I was at school, my deskmate made it specially.

Once he was caught sleeping in class by the teacher, who said xxx stood up.

I woke him up and said that the teacher told you to stand up. He glared at the teacher and refused to stand up.

Teacher is anxious xxx, you stand up for me! He still didn't get up and rolled his eyes at the teacher.

The teacher lost his temper, xxx. I can't control students like you to continue their classes.

I whispered xxx at the bottom. You're really against the teacher.

Xxx said that I actually wanted to stand up.

But ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ my legs are numb. . .

27. At the New Year's Eve, some tables have famous brands, and everyone else can sit casually. Then I heard a woman say, "Go and sit in the front, where there is your memorial tablet." I suddenly collapsed. ...

28. In the second half of the semester, one of our classmates was arrested by Duan Chang for texting in the toilet, but he refused to give up his comrades. Duan Chang calmly sent a short message on his mobile phone-"Come to the men's room on the second floor to get the answer."

Then ... my colleagues came from all directions, and ........... was wiped out. ......

29. A guy in my roommate, who is very fancy and has numerous girlfriends, asked him one night, "Why do you like women so much?"

"I lacked maternal love since I was a child, and my parents are not around."

"What if there is a lack of fatherly love?"

This man said the words that he regretted all his life, "I have you."

Since then, this man has been taken great care of in our dormitory.