Military training spoofs short message content

1, planting grass doesn't make people lie down, it's better to replant cactus!

2. I have a small heart, but I don't lack it; I have a good temper, but not without it!

3. The difference between people and pigs is that pigs have always been pigs, but people are sometimes not people!

It turns out that as long as people are separated, people who are familiar with each other will gradually alienate.

5, go to the pizza shop to buy pizza! The waiter asked me whether to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces. I thought about it and said: 8 yuan! 12 can't eat!

6, men fool women, called flirting; Women fool men, called seduction; Men and women fool each other, which is called love.

7. What the government thinks is how to collect taxes reasonably, what the boss thinks is how to avoid taxes reasonably, and what I think is how to sleep reasonably!

8. Time is for wandering, body is for loving, life is for forgetting, and soul is for singing.

9. Love is like a ghost. Many people believe in it, but few people see it.

10, how far is it forever? Get out, boy!

1 1, I met a writer's signature: it may look like it, but it may not. I met a GG signature: Give me a girl and I will create a country.

12, since I turned into shit, no one has stepped on my head anymore.

13, I want to puppy love, but it's already late. ...

14, my god! My clothes have lost weight again.

The important task after 15 and 80 is to manufacture 08.

16, people have a lot of backgrounds, but I only have my back ~ ~.

17, gold always shines, but when there is gold all over the ground, I don't know which one I am.

18, reminding everyone that it is very important to learn how to repair notebooks! Once upon a time, there was a man who couldn't repair his notebook ... everyone knew what happened later. (Since the Edison Chen incident, don't say more about the reasons. )

19, I'm not a fortune teller in the square, so I can't say so much about what you like to hear.

20. It's not that the ending of the story is not good enough, but that we are too demanding of the story!

2 1, flowers often do not belong to people who appreciate flowers, but to cow dung.

The difference between a lie and an oath is that the listener takes it seriously and the speaker takes it seriously.

23. Being single is not difficult, but it is difficult to deal with those who try their best to make you end being single.

Sometimes, it's not that the other person doesn't care about you, but that you take the other person too seriously.

25. Even if you believe it, there is a lie hidden in the middle.

26. A true good friend is not having endless topics together, but not feeling embarrassed even if he doesn't talk together.

27. There is no other half of 100, and only two people share 50 points!

28. People who are usually willing to stay and argue with you are people who really love you!

29. There is no rehearsal in life, and every day is live broadcast; Not only the ratings are low, but also the salary is not high.

30. Nothing that can be solved with money is a problem, but I am poor.

3 1, only women and heroes are sad, and only wives and jobs are hard to find.

32. After seeing me, you will suddenly find-ah, handsome can be so single-minded!

33. Ask a colleague: "Did you buy PetroChina?" Colleagues said, "Bah! You just bought PetroChina. Your whole family bought PetroChina and Sinopec! "

34. I ordered two dishes in the canteen at noon. After eating the first one, I was shocked "Is there anything worse in the world?" I cried after eating the second one. "It's really there." .

When the mouse is angry, everyone is a sick cat.

36. People who have traveled all over the brothel are not old. Please use Huiren Shenbao.

37. Take your advice and leave me ten books!

At the age of 38 and 0, he appeared, and at the age of 10, he made progress every day. 20-year-old dream, 30-year-old effort. At the age of 40, he was basically oriented, and at the age of 50, he was very popular everywhere. Playing mahjong at the age of 60 and wandering around at the age of 70. 80-year-old lesbians are very common, and 90-year-old lesbians are hanging on the wall!

39. I am an animal when I take off my clothes, but I am the devil when I put on my clothes!

40. "Honey, I'm ... I'm pregnant for ... three months, but don't worry, it's not yours, and you're not responsible ..."

4 1, we have a little difference: she wants me to turn mud into gold, and I want her to treat gold as mud.

42, reading 10 years of Chinese, it is better to talk about QQ for half a year.

43. I was lazy in bed in the morning, so I took six coins out of my pocket: if all six are heads, I will go to class! Think for a long time, forget it, don't take the risk. ...

44. I spent 80,000 yuan on a pottery jar of the Western Zhou Dynasty. I went to the Jianbao column for identification yesterday. The expert said seriously, "Which one was this in the Western Zhou Dynasty?" This is from last week! "

45. I can tolerate that my figure is fake, my face is fake, my chest is fake and my ass is fake! ! ! But I just can't stand money. Yes! ! ! !

46. A scholar plays dead for a confidant, and a woman has plastic surgery for someone who pleases herself.

47. Don't wait until everyone says you are ugly to find yourself really ugly.

48. personals: The requirements are as follows: A is alive and B is female.

49. Give me some sunshine, and I will rot.

You must eat a little to lose weight.

5 1, shake, shake to Naihe Bridge.

52. Q: What do you like about me? I like you. Stay away from me!

53, you come back quickly, I dare not fool alone!

54. Life is the mouth of Song Like Zude, and you never know who will be unlucky next ~ ~ ~

55. Get up and cry when you fall ~ ~ ~

56. Besides teeth, there is love in the world.

57. A dinosaur went to the toilet when passing by Xi Jiaotong University. When she came out, she sobbed and said, "555, I finally won't worry about getting married in my life ..."

Life is easy. Live, relax. Life is not easy.

59. Asking how much sorrow you have is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel. ...

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. In old age, mirrors are flat.

6 1, if something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first, and don't blame the earth for not having gravity when you are constipated.

62. clap your head to make a decision, and clap your chest to ensure that you leave.

We walk so fast that our souls can't keep up. ...

64, don't and the earth person general knowledge ~ ~ ~

65, come out to mix, the wife will change sooner or later!

When I was a child, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. When I grow up, I find that the whole world can't save me. ...

Even if I were a toad, I wouldn't marry my mother toad.

68. Why do people who sleep for a long time sleep after death? ...

A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook is not a good driver.

70. You told me to get out, and I got out. You told me to come back. Sorry, I'm leaving.

7 1, it's over, and you ignore me, too. I've become a dog ~ ~!

72. I caught the bus in the morning. When I got to the platform, the bus had already started. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! " At this time, a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Wukong, stop chasing." …

73. See you soon after graduation; I will have a wife one year after graduation; Later I regretted having a wife; Later, there was a stepmother; I regret having a stepwife the most.

74. I won't hit you, you don't know that I am both civil and military.

75. I like you so much that I will die if you like it.

76. There is a grave in my heart where the widow is buried.

77. I allow you to walk into my world, but I don't allow you to walk around in my world at will. ..

78. Be patient or cruel.

Although you wear cologne, I can still vaguely smell the scum.

80. The Journey to the West told us that all monsters with background were taken away, and those without background were killed by a stick.

8 1, I accidentally want to live with you forever.

82. The merry-go-round is the most cruel game in the world. You chase after me, but there is always a sad distance.

83. The ideal is full and the reality is skinny.

84. It is inevitable to blame the hand of time and write love as love.

85. Waiting for your concern until I close my heart.

86. When I love you, you are just like you said. What do you say you are when I don't love you?

87. Love till it hurts

88. I am not RMB. How can everyone like me?

89. If you are doomed not to give me the expected response, then keep a safe distance.

90. Our goal: Look at the money and make a profit from it.

9 1, go to the supermarket to knead instant noodles when you are in a bad mood (super right! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! )

92. Get out of here and keep rolling. ...

93. In the dead of night, missing becomes so presumptuous.

Please don't take my on-the-spot tolerance for you as your shameless capital.

95. Zhuge Liang didn't lead a soldier before he came out of the mountain. Why should I have work experience?

96. Memory is a bridge, but it leads to a lonely prison.

97. I knew you were Uber as soon as I opened my eyes.

98. I am a passer-by who you turn around and forget. Why should I spend time with you in the world?

99. Happiness is a comparative level. You can't feel it until something is at the bottom.

100, love is like a ghost, many people believe in it, but few people meet it.

1, dating my girlfriend, seeing someone in front who looks like my girlfriend, I went up and patted her ass. She slapped me as soon as she turned her head. Then someone patted me on the shoulder ... My girlfriend slapped me as soon as I turned my head.

2, military training station posture, legs are very sour, instructors let everyone think of something beautiful. After a while, the person next to me said: I have worked hard!

I went to my friend's house to play. It happened that my friend's wife was breastfeeding, and it happened that the child refused to breastfeed. So he joked to the child: eat quickly, or uncle will eat. 55555, I dare not see them.

When I went to school, the school was still a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a freshman seemed to be the class representative of a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?" "Next to the men's room." The math office is really next to the men's room, but it is on the left. The man went to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" at the door. There was a "no entry" voice from inside!

5. One day I got drunk and peed. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, hold down JJ, and then solve it very smoothly. However. . I feel my crotch getting wet. . . When I opened my eyes and looked down carefully, I found that I had just held the thumb of my other hand. . . . . Silence. .

6. I remember going to college at that time and living separately from my boyfriend. I usually keep in touch with my mobile phone every day. One day, I called his cell phone and it stopped. I happened to go downstairs to buy things at the grocery store, so I bought him 20 yuan by the way. Unexpectedly, just back to the dormitory, my boyfriend's phone came. He said: haha, I didn't expect there to be such an XB person in the world. He put the phone bill on his mobile phone ... I immediately hung three black lines on my head. ...

7. I got drunk, went home dizzy, and vomited soon after I got home. The next morning, my wife said: Eat and drink when eating out, and don't go home and report what you ate.

8. In Grade Three, our history teacher is called Wen Jian. There was an emperor Wen Jian in the Ming Dynasty. One day in ancient history, a history teacher came into the classroom and said "class". The students below shouted "Long live my emperor" in unison (planned in advance, of course). What is difficult is that the history teacher calmly replied: "Everyone loves Qing ~ stand up." Orz~ embarrassed ~ ~ the whole class is still standing at this time. ....

9. In the first aid class at the university, the professor gave a demonstration while talking: Professor: Press the chest with both hands, not too hard, just press 2 ~ 3 cm, it is easy to break the patient's ribs with too much force! Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hand hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken. Sorry to say, class is over ~

10, go to my boyfriend's house for the night, take a shower, and use it when you see a bar of soap. It feels weird when I use it. After washing, my boyfriend kissed me. When I smelled something wrong, I asked, "You didn't bathe Frye with soap, did you?"

1 1. My wife looked at the photo of my little nephew shortly after his birth and said with a smile,' Look, there is a little penis'. As a result, my little nephew coldly threw him the word' rogue'.

12, last night, with my wife * *, she was lying on the table, in progress, only to see her hand touch the table twice, and even picked up a walnut and began to bite. I broke down and said, honey, we only do it once a week. Can you be professional?

13, I suddenly received a phone call that day: "Guess who I am? Guess if there is a gift! " I guessed all possible people, but it was wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who are you? Don't say I'm dead! " As a result, the man said, "I'm a courier, and you have a package …" I vomited blood at that time.

14, advice when least heeded! 1. If you are a man, please don't have a dog. If you have a dog, don't keep a dog that will jump on the bed. If your dog can jump on the bed, you shouldn't sleep naked. If you really like sleeping naked, don't keep a sausage dog. 5, a lesson from the past ~ ~ ~, mopper should remember!

15, is this photo yourself? It's beautiful. It saved me a lot of money. I don't have to eat this year.

16, I passed a street that day and found that there were princesa stations all over the street. One of them greeted me warmly: "Handsome boy, come and play ~" I shouted at her gruffly: "I like men!" So she didn't bother to look at me again and left without looking back. Actually, I'm telling the truth. I do like men. I was wearing a sun hat, sunglasses and jeans that day. I am taller. I cut off my long hair because it is too hot in summer. More importantly, I seem to have to get breast implants. ...

17, I went to dinner with my colleagues after work today. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with Chili peppers and found a hair in it. Then my colleague picked up his hair with chopsticks and shouted, boss ~ ~ What do you think this is? The boss saw it and shouted: Come on! Change a pair of chopsticks for this lady.

18, Fetion sent a short message to her boyfriend, and the result was sent to a well-connected fellow villager, which read: "Husband, don't worry, my aunt is here ..."

19, after going to physical education class in the morning, I was so hungry that I went to a restaurant for dinner. There were so many people, it was too crowded and chaotic, so I shouted to my aunt who cooked, "Hurry up!" " Aunt shouted to the cook inside, "Go in quickly! Beggars are impatient. "

20. When I was shopping in the supermarket, I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins. A child ran over and sang: There are a group of ducks passing by on the bridge in front of the door. Come and count, 24678. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and went back to count the half-counted coins again. ....

2 1, grade five or six, I was watching TV at my cousin's house one night. Watch CCTV-6. Speaking of sex scenes, my aunt will change the channel with the remote control and say that children can't watch this. The younger brother grabbed the remote control and shouted, don't worry, CCTV won't take it off. 22. Once I was playing with a classmate's computer and found a folder full of * * * movies downloaded from the Internet. On a whim, I set one of the photos as his desktop, and then I waited for him to come back and turn on the computer. Unexpectedly, I never came back. Later, I was hungry and went out to eat. When I came back, I found that his computer was gone. Half an hour later, I saw him eating shit with his computer on his back. It turns out that he is.

My wife bought new clothes and couldn't wait to put them on. She took a selfie in front of the bathroom mirror and then posted it online to show off. Today, I found a mirror with me sitting naked in the toilet. . . . .

24. My wife and I went to the reclining Buddha Temple to play. My wife can't walk on the road, so I carry her on my back. An old woman saw it and said seriously, you see, you are also a scholar. It's no use going to the hospital early if your wife is ill.

25, get off to the carport to get the car, see no one around, it is very heroic to put a P, resulting in a loud noise of the electric motorcycle burglar alarm next door.

26. My QQ pet died (named Baby), and then my mood in QQ space was updated to: In order to commemorate my baby, my fellow villager saw that I thought I had a miscarriage and told her mother, who told my mother. As a result, my parents are not answering my phone now, so they called in with another number and hung up as soon as they heard my voice.

27. My parents said that when I was young, I stayed in a hotel with them. When I got up in the morning, they found me brushing my teeth skillfully with a toothbrush. The problem is that the washbasin in the hotel is higher than mine, so they asked me how to fill it. I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet. ...

I had dinner with my friends the day before yesterday. I got drunk and slipped out of the restaurant to throw up. There is a car parked next to me. Unexpectedly, a policeman came. "Take the car away, this is a no-parking area!" Because disgusting don't want to talk with the wave, "what's the matter? Drink? " I took out my walkie-talkie and called a tow truck. Seeing that the car was dragged farther and farther, "disgusting! It's not my car, how to drive it! ? "

29, the cat high school Chinese mock exam, I heard that the highest score of the version of this exam is 139 (full score 150) before the exam is released. At that time, I yelled, MD, is it human? After getting that high, I found that the test paper was my own. ....

30. At night, the supermarket bought a quick-frozen jiaozi promotion mm warmly greeted me and dragged me over: Try it! ! Well, it's very kind of you to refuse. When I ate a piece of chewing gum, the promotion mm kept staring at me. When I finished eating, she seriously asked: Is it cooked? I'll pick it up when it's ripe .....

3 1, GF is on a business trip and asked me to buy a sexy pajamas. I said I miss you. Send me a recent photo. Ask me if I'm wearing a photo or taking it off? Very happy! Busy answer: take down the photo! Take off your picture! The next day, a photo of sexy pajamas hanging on a stool came from the mailbox. ....

32. The kitten has a friend who shares a room with a girl. One night, she was depressed, and then she cooked a bowl of noodles for her. She felt very warm and said, "Let's make do with it." I didn't expect * * to say,' You don't have a man, but I do! "

33. Sitting on the bus this morning, a mother and daughter behind me were chatting. Her mother was testing her and said, "We have 20 apples at home. You ate five. How many? " The little girl thought for a moment and said, "15." After a while, the little girl said to her mother, "Mom, I have a question for you, too. I have ten fingers. My father cut me two, and the teacher cut me one. How many fingers do I have? " ....

34. Last time I went to a restaurant for dinner, I talked to my friends about making a short film. My friend insists on making a film for 30 minutes, but I insist that 10 minutes is enough. As he spoke, the chicken began to freeze. I stood up on striking the table and shouted, "What's wrong with being short?" ? What's wrong with being short? This thing depends on technology! "Then I feel that people around me are casting pity eyes. ...

35. Once I was waiting for my friend at the bus stop, just beside the traffic lights, and I stood there waiting. The sidewalk turned red at the green light. At this time, a 60-year-old grandmother rushed out and the taxi coming to her suddenly braked. The driver was very angry and put his head out of the window and scolded, "Grandma, I want to die, and suddenly I rushed out and said, you." The old woman immediately replied, "Is it true? Young man, don't make grandma happy! " Everyone standing on the bus platform is dizzy ~ ~ ~

36. In middle school, the physics teacher gave lectures. Triboelectricity said: We take off our sweaters in winter. The sweater creaked. And lightning. But not in summer. Why? Boy in the back: Because I don't wear sweaters in summer.

37. There used to be a baby (male) in our dormitory, who was honest and a little stupid, sometimes stupid and cute. One night after the lights went out, everyone was chatting again. He said, when I have money, I will find three girls. We were angered by him and asked him what happened next, but he said calmly, playing mahjong …