How to communicate when a 20-year-old son is addicted to games?

Many parents privately report that children play games with their mobile phones all day, even in the dark during holidays, often p

How to communicate when a 20-year-old son is addicted to games?

Many parents privately report that children play games with their mobile phones all day, even in the dark during holidays, often playing until midnight, and can't afford to sleep in the sun the next day. No matter how parents persuade their children, they are indifferent, even locking the door and refusing to communicate with their parents.

Parents have read many parenting books and learned many methods and skills, but they still feel at a loss and don't know what to do.

Indeed, if parents can't establish effective communication channels with their children, or even build a bridge of communication, it is tantamount to a blood vessel in the human body being blocked. In the long run, the consequences are unimaginable!

On May 6, 2020, a junior high school student in Huludao City, Liaoning Province recharged more than 60,000 yuan for playing games. After being discovered by his parents, he jumped off his parents' balcony and eventually passed away. ......

Hangzhou 1 1 year-old boy refused to do his homework. His parents smashed his mobile phone and jumped off the 12 floor in a rage. ......

There are countless such cases, and many children drop out of school because they are addicted to mobile games. It is a wonderful time, but it makes parents feel sad and helpless!

However, we can't help asking: Is the culprit of all the problems really mobile games?

I believe that more than half of the parents will give a positive answer. Some parents even say, "Aren't you excusing the game company?"

Are there any other factors in this?

After taking over a lot of case consultation, we summed up a rule: behind every problem child, there is a problem family. Whether children are addicted to mobile games or tired of dropping out of school, improper parental discipline has played a great role in "promoting".

Parents can recall:

1. Have you ever scolded, blamed, nagged, urged, beaten or scolded your children?

2. Do you always feel that your children are not good enough? Even scary?

Do you often compare your children with others' children?

4. Are you impatient with children and easy to lose your temper?

5. Do couples often quarrel in front of their children?

6. Have you ever violated children's privacy and personal space?

7. Do you respect children and communicate on an equal footing?

8. Have you ever apologized to your children?

Recalling the above eight points in detail, let's think about the above question: Is the culprit of all the problems really mobile games? Perhaps many parents also hesitated.

I often tell my parents that it is not terrible to have problems. The terrible thing is that we don't realize the problem ourselves. Simply blaming the cause of the problem on external factors will not help parents solve the problem, but will only lead parents to become more depressed and fall into the "victim trap".

In fact, no matter whether children are addicted to mobile phones or tired of learning or rebellious, the solution will always focus on parent-child relationship and parent-child communication.

All relationships in this world are established through interpersonal communication, including verbal communication and nonverbal communication.

There is a saying in The Little Prince:

"The most conquering weapon in the world is language. A word can make a person fall to the bottom, and a word can also make a person regain strength. "

But many parents are also very helpless, because children play games with their mobile phones all day, and their attention is focused on mobile games, and they are not willing to communicate with adults at all. Some children even lock their doors, and it is difficult for parents to even see their children's faces, let alone communicate. So what should parents do to successfully open their children's hearts and establish benign communication with them?

(1) Stop all wrong disciplinary actions. What are the wrong disciplinary behaviors of parents? Criticism, reprimand, blame, abuse, nagging, preaching, urging, etc. , all belong to the wrong discipline behavior.

Many parents use nothing more than nagging and preaching. Some children start playing mobile phones when they come home from school, and they don't stop playing until 10 in the evening. In these short four or five hours, many parents nagged and lectured more than three times, even five or ten times. If you don't believe me, you can record it next time.

Babbling and preaching can't stop children's behavior, but it will lead to children's emotional frustration, tit-for-tat confrontation with their parents, and even quarreling and shoving.

A parent once described such a scene:

On Friday, the children go home from school and have dinner, and play on the sofa with their mobile phones in their hands. They didn't stop playing for an hour. I walked over and said, "Don't play with your mobile phone all the time. It's bad for your eyes. You have been playing for an hour. It's time to stop! " After listening, the child impatiently replied "I know". Half an hour passed and the child did not stop. I said a few words in the past, and the child went back to his room with his mobile phone.

I guess the children continue to play games in the house. Sure enough, I heard him and his teammates through the door. I knocked at the door loudly and said, "If you keep playing like this, I will close the net and play all day!"! Turn off the phone and take it out! " After listening to my words, the child shouted loudly, "Do you always say that I am bored?"

After listening to this, I was so angry that I loudly reprimanded the child at the door for not being sensible, not understanding the hard work of parents, not making progress, and the child hid in the house without saying a word. ......

In this incident described by this parent, we can see that the wrong discipline behaviors include nagging, reprimanding, blaming, preaching and so on. However, the multi-pronged approach has not brought good results, but has led to a greater gap between mother and child. However, many parents know that this is ineffective and continue to do it. This is because they have left the circle of disciplining children and entered the circle of emotional venting.

(2) After replacing nagging and preaching with appropriate reminders and respecting children's decision to stop improper discipline, many parents don't know what to do. Obviously, I can't nag when I watch my children play with their mobile phones, but I can't help but want to say it. As a result, I can suppress myself.

Here, you can use the function of reminding your parents to condense your thoughts into a simple sentence: "Son, mom thinks you can study for a while now. Of course, it's up to you. It's just mom's advice. " After that, parents can leave their children and do their own things.

Parents and children are two independent individuals, and there should be no question of who is who. Therefore, parents should remember one thing when disciplining their children: children have their own ideas, and we can make suggestions, but we can't control his behavior. At the same time, parents should have their own life and study, and should not revolve around their children all day.

If parents always focus on their children's problems and don't spend time thinking about their own problems and enriching their knowledge, they can't solve them effectively. When we enrich ourselves with knowledge, we also nourish our children, because children are leaves and parents are roots.

(3) Use timely affirmation and praise to guide children's language and behavior. Bette Salle, a Swiss psychologist, described an experiment in his book Psychological Mysteries Behind Behavior: the experimenter asked the subjects to say some words at will, such as house, school, book, etc.

When the subjects say these words in turn, the experimenter will nod his head to express his affirmation of plural words (such as students and professors), and without knowing it, the subjects will unconsciously say more plural words, as shown in the following figure:

From this, psychologists come to the conclusion that:

"When people are encouraged and praised at the right time, they will unconsciously change their language and behavior. The affirmation and praise of others-the "nodding" in the experiment can make the behavior of the subjects (the people who take the test) unconsciously develop in the direction that the experimenter hopes. "

Therefore, when communicating with children who are addicted to games, we can also use this skill-to guide children's language and behavior with timely affirmation and praise, so that children can develop in the direction we hope.

For example, if we want our children to talk to us more, then we can say to our children, "Son, your mother is very happy and moved because you are willing to talk to her!" "

Or say to the child, "Is the request you just made unreasonable? Mom won't say anything for the time being, but you are willing to tell mom the truth. That's good. Stick to it! " In this way, the child will know that his mother is willing to listen to his voice, and his mother's affirmation is actually an invitation for heart-to-heart communication. When children are affirmed and encouraged by their mothers, they are of course more willing to talk to their parents.

Parents will always remember one sentence: it is not terrible for children to have problems. The terrible thing is that we don't realize the root of the problem and can't find the source, just like we are facing three or five strange roads and don't know where to go. In the end, it takes time and effort, and you may not get good results. It can be said that the direction is wrong, and our efforts are in vain!