Who can tell me some jokes?

1. When I go to work in the morning, the bus is very crowded and there are so many people.

At the second stop, a little beauty came up, followed by a man. They don't seem to know each other I haven't spoken for several times. Xiaomei should be around 1.62, and I am 1.80, which is basically one head taller than her. The kind of packaged soybean milk that Xiaomei is holding. He stood in front of me. Because it was too crowded, Xiaomei stood in the middle and couldn't catch the handrail at all. Maybe she's afraid that soy milk will spill. She held the paper cup filled with soybean milk high above her shoulders and took a sip from time to time. I didn't eat breakfast in the morning, and I was really hungry when I smelled soybean milk. She took a sip and the whole country rested. The straw is just not far from my mouth, about 3 cm at most.

After a while, I couldn't help it. I opened my mouth and took a sip. It's very light. Xiaomei didn't notice it. Then she took a sip, then raised her shoulder, and I took another sip. After a while, the soybean milk should be gone, but I don't know. She said to herself, "What a world this is! The soybean milk seller lied. They pack so little, and a few moves will soon be finished. " I almost laughed at that time. When she lifted the paper cup to her shoulder again, I smoked it step by step. As a result, because there was not much inside, I made a "hem" sound when I smoked. Xiaomei turned around fiercely, and I was petrified at that time. I have her straw in my mouth. Where is the stiffness? It was embarrassing. MB, I have the idea of jumping off a car. Xiaomei said, "What are you doing? Does it taste good？ Do you want me to buy you another drink? Look at you dressed so handsome, you don't look like a poor man. " Me: "..."

I'm still scared when I think about it. At the next stop, Xiaomei got off, and several people around me were watching me all the time. I said to myself, "It's my girlfriend. You're kidding me." I just finished. The man who got on the bus with Xiaomei said, "What are you talking about, brother? I'll let you drink soy milk, and so will you. " Is it my girlfriend? "Me:" Ah, then why don't you get off? "The elder brother said," she has arrived, and I haven't. I have a few more stops to go. Are you a little shameless? I drank all the soy milk. So many people, I won't say more. You want my girlfriend too. Is it mine? " I whispered, "It's yours, it's yours, I don't want it. " 。"

I just got to the station, so I jumped down. . . I'm sweating all over.

Too flustered.

It's so tangled

I am sad.

2. Once I suddenly thought of going swimming, I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket, because there was no other color, only red. As a result, I didn't expect the swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, a wisp of red came out of my lower body and rippled in the water ... An uncle swam past me, looked at the red "blood" under me and looked at my bare upper body. For an instant, his expression was very contradictory. ...

3. I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with low emotional intelligence finally met a girl he liked, and they just started dating.

Once a girl was ill, and a boy accompanied her to the infirmary for intravenous drip.

Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, and nothing happened.

Thinking of breaking the silence, the boy asked, "Is it cold?"

"cold"

"Cold, I'll cover it for you?"

The girl blushed and whispered "good"

Then the boy stood up. . . . . . . . . . Cover the drip bottle with your hand.

When I was a child, I always bullied my sister because of my age. One night, my father came to tuck us in and suddenly found my three-year-old sister sitting in the dark watching me sleep!

Why don't you go to bed? Dad asked.

Sister quickly said: shh! Keep your voice down and hit her when she falls asleep!

5.

This man is hard of hearing as he grows old. I remember when I was a child at my grandmother's house, one morning my grandfather was going fishing, and I met the old man next door as soon as I went out. The old man said to my grandfather, "Go fishing!" My grandfather said, "No! I'm going fishing. " Then the old man said, "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I was stunned.

6.

I didn't pay attention to washing the dishes. I dropped it on the floor. Fortunately, except for a corner on the side, it became a small gap.

Then continue to wash the dishes. My right hand didn't pay attention. I passed through the gap ... it was broken.

I thought: Is it really that fast? I can break my hand. Then I tried it with my left hand and it broke.

I thought to myself, that was fast. If this bowl is used for eating, it will soon be miserable. Then nc, I tried it with my mouth ... my lip was broken ...

7.

A couple on the bus, the woman let a pervert touch her, and her boyfriend was expressionless. After arriving at the station, her boyfriend pulled the pervert out of the car, beat him skillfully and took his girlfriend away. Analysis of the reasons for a website's voting. 75% voted "This kid is waiting for his skills to cool down ..."

8.

There is a steamed stuffed bun shop near the subway station, and the business is very good. Next to the queue every day is a train ticket sales point.

Queue up there to buy steamed buns today. When I was about to arrive, I heard two men behind me say, Oh, this is the steamed stuffed bun shop, the train ticket conductor … Ah, it's over there!

9.

Once, I went to the underground city to brush the map with the warriors ... half an hour passed, and suddenly a message came from the loudspeaker, which almost killed me. "The students from the middle school affiliated to Zhejiang XX Mine came and ran away." .....

10.

When buying gloves, the boss wants 35, and I said 30. The boss insisted on 35 and refused to give in after several talks. I thought about it and gave a 50, and he quickly gave me 35. . . .

1 1.

When we were in high school, our toilet had a door with a spring, which could return to its original position by itself, but it could only be opened inward, not outward.

Many people have the habit of opening the toilet door and kicking it.

Most people just kick about knee-high. I have a classmate who has practiced martial arts, probably to show off or to maintain his flexibility. He always lifts his feet high and kicks them to about the height of his chest.

One night, this man went to WC, walked to the door, without thinking, lifted his foot and kicked.

As soon as our dean had finished speaking, he pushed the door and went out.

So our dean was kicked back to the toilet by my classmates. . .

12.

Take your wife to check early, and after taking blood:

Nurse: You can get the list on the 32nd.

Wife: 65438+1October 32 or February 32.

I (weak): February 1.

Nurse (Khan): Yes ~ Yes ~ Yes ~

13.

I flew a few days ago and found a beautiful woman sitting next to me. According to the principle of chatting up, I blurted out, where do you get off?

14.

The cat jumped on someone, found a new girlfriend, and wanted to visit her home. Knowing that he often swears, his girlfriend repeatedly warned him not to talk nonsense, and some people readily agreed. After the meeting, someone responded freely without saying anything, and his girlfriend's parents were very satisfied. After dinner, in the cold winter, my girlfriend's parents insisted on sending each other to the side of the road. Some people are very touched and their brains are hot. He blurted out, "Uncle, don't see me off. Go back quickly. Look at that!"

15.

Today, my boss asked me to delete all the CS in Internet cafes. I have been busy all night. Why do you want to delete CS? Actually, the cause is this. I heard the news of the temporary inspection by the Public Security Bureau today. For several days in a row, I became a street sweeper and drove all creatures below 18 out of the internet cafe. So when the police uncles came from afar, my boss and I were not nervous. However, it is a pity. When the police uncles just stepped into the door of the Internet cafe, a group of people playing CS in the Internet cafe shouted excitedly: "The police are coming! The police are coming! The police are in the dog hole! Brothers, let's go! Kill them! " All right. I admit, at that moment, not only the faces of the police uncles were green, but also the faces of my boss and I were horribly green.

16.

There is a big sister who has done something very funny.

She has a mobile phone and a PHS. One day, she changed a new mobile phone card. A colleague asked her what her new number was. She said she forgot, so she dialed her PHS with her changed mobile phone.

While dialing, I continued to chat with my colleagues. After PHS rang, she answered and asked, "Hello? ..... hello? ..... You talk, don't talk, I hang up! "

All the colleagues present were stunned.

Then she pressed the hook and said, "psycho, don't talk on the phone."

17. My wife went on a business trip and didn't come back for several days.

She secretly sent me a short message at the meeting in the afternoon. The leader next to him slept like a dead pig. It's so funny ~

As a result, the telecom problem was sent to my mobile phone in the middle of the night.

I almost jumped off the building.

18. I remember that a buddy slept in the last row in the evening study in high school. I woke up suddenly, and then turned off the lights to sleep. At that time, the whole class looked silly.

19. Worried about the names of children in the future, the first generation. Uncle's cousin is called Chen Guandong, and Bo Er's cousin is called Chen Guannan. Yesterday, my mother said that a cousin of Sanbo's family gave birth to a baby named Chen Guanbei. Shit, the family is sinister! Third brother, this is hurting me. However, I just finished watching "The Prosperous Age", and after admiring it, I have secretly planned to be crowned champion. You can't tell my little cousin.

20. In my junior year, I had lunch with bf in the school cafeteria at noon. There were so many people that I finally got a face-to-face seat. The couple sitting behind me are also face to face. I'm back to back with that boy. Suddenly, the couple quarreled from the beginning. It seems that the rice cooked by that boy is not delicious, and I don't care. I continued to eat happily ~ I heard a bang while eating, and suddenly I felt a very hot feeling coming from my hair on my back. By feeling, a pot of spicy rice noodles covered my head and was hit by a stone in one minute ~ numb. At this moment, a male voice whispered in my ear: Sorry, she is going to hit me!

2 1. I have a friend He said that his college classmates once went to the university cafeteria for dinner. At that time, he was holding a lunch box and hesitated to eat. He murmured: chicken or fish? Aunt in the canteen urged him to choose quickly. As soon as he patted his head, he shouted, eat the chicken! Aunt in the canteen froze for three seconds and gave him a sausage. . .

22. The big cat at home gave birth to six kittens, which are very cute. Because they are just born and haven't opened their eyes yet. For some reason, a kitten can't find a guy to eat with, or the competition is too great to catch it. One day, the big cat went out to eat. I went to see it and found that the kitten was holding the tail of another kitten, sucking and sucking.

23.

The students told stories about her middle school days. In class, a boy fell asleep at his desk and was found by the teacher. The teacher is very calm: the deskmate cares.

. . .

This is really a washing tool. . . The deskmate took off his coat and put it on the sleeping boy. . .

24. My computer password is: Fuck you, and then yesterday my boss wanted to use my computer, and then asked me to send the password to his mobile phone. ...

25. One day, a group of young people of unknown origin came to open a private room for their birthday. They are all dressed up, thinking that another black sheep from Gao Qian is coming to have fun. After asking, don't miss it, don't serve food, so I sent a platter, which didn't matter.

Comrade JC will check after midnight. But I don't think these people are taking drugs. JC looked at a bunch of young people and asked me, we don't know each other. Without saying anything, I caught it. So, comedy happened.

A man with glasses is lying on the wall, swimming on all fours. The expression is very obscene. JC, go up and drag it down. Glasses man: awesome, I've become a gecko, and you can still recognize me.

26. It turns out that when I was at school, my deskmate made it specially.

Once he was caught sleeping in class by the teacher, who said xxx stood up.

I woke him up and said that the teacher told you to stand up. He glared at the teacher and refused to stand up.

Teacher is anxious xxx, you stand up for me! He still didn't get up and rolled his eyes at the teacher.

The teacher lost his temper, xxx. I can't control students like you to continue their classes.

I whispered xxx at the bottom. You're really against the teacher.

Xxx said that I actually wanted to stand up.

But ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ my legs are numb. . .

27. At the New Year's Eve, some tables have famous brands, and everyone else can sit casually. Then I heard a woman say, "Go and sit in the front, where there is your memorial tablet." I suddenly collapsed. ...

28. In the second half of the semester, one of our classmates was arrested by Duan Chang for texting in the toilet, but he refused to give up his comrades. Duan Chang calmly sent a short message on his mobile phone-"Come to the men's room on the second floor to get the answer."

However, after that, my colleagues came to ........... from all directions and were wiped out. ......

29. A guy in my roommate, who is very fancy and has numerous girlfriends, asked him one night, "Why do you like women so much?"

"I lacked maternal love since I was a child, and my parents are not around."

"What if there is a lack of fatherly love?"

This man said the words that he regretted all his life, "I have you."

Since then, this man has been taken great care of in our dormitory.

20 10 jokes

1. Chatting with my boyfriend, when it comes to rising, my saliva splashed all over his face. Then instinctively wipe it off by hand. I was a little embarrassed, but I deliberately shifted my focus and pretended to be angry: "What? Don't like me, "he said with a gentleman's smile. "No, wipe it evenly!"

2. In the past, the school said that it was necessary to have a physical examination and a stool for laboratory tests, and then everyone took some ~ and then an alumnus ~ put it in Chow Tai Fook's bag and box, and then walked halfway ~ and was taken away by a motorcycle driver. . . . . .

3. Girlfriend has small breasts. We bury her every day. One day, she finally couldn't bear it anymore and shouted at us, "What about my small breasts? I will follow my dad! "

4. I took my family to swim on the beach in Jinshan today, mainly to play with the children in the sand. In the process of piling sand, the lifeguard (commander) on the distant high platform shouted with a megaphone: Parents with children should pay attention, please take good care of their children, especially those with their own children and other people's wives, please don't leave them aside, I can see that!

In other words, I have a female colleague named Li Rui and a male colleague named Li. ...

(Reader's supplement: It is also said that China has a national policy called "family planning", Li Sheng has one, and then the director of the family planning office went out. . . Then, there is a national leader named "* * *"! )

6. In winter, I eat hot pot with my classmates. After eating, I came out first, waiting for the students behind me. I pick my teeth according to the black glass of an off-road vehicle, and then apply lip balm ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

7. When I first went to college, because our place was messy, some friends in the dormitory went to the market to buy knives and put them in the dormitory for self-defense. After buying it, I passed a bank, and someone happened to carry boxes of money to the cash truck after work. We didn't want the escort to misunderstand, so we asked a friend to hide the knife in his clothes. As a result, when I came to the escort with a gun, the boy fell to the ground. Later, we left silently, afraid to pick a knife. . .

Triboelectricity, a middle school physics teacher, said: We take off our sweaters in winter. The sweater creaked. And lightning. But not in summer. Why? Boy in the back: Because I don't wear sweaters in summer.

9. My friend was drunk once. According to civilized language, he was in the toilet, holding the phone in his right hand and pressing his left hand in the mirror, looking at the "prisoner" in the mirror affectionately: Did you eat well? Has the prison been strictly controlled recently? Leave as soon as possible ...

10. My parents are not at home tonight, so I have to cook and stir-fry by myself. After pouring the oil into the pot, I heard the phone ringing in the bedroom, ran back to the bedroom with my mobile phone, and walked to the kitchen while talking on the phone. When I got to the kitchen, I saw the oil boiling and spilled everywhere. I threw my mobile phone in the pot when I got excited. . . . . .

1 1. Some buses in Hangzhou are high-end, so the glass is stuffy. It says: Break the glass in an emergency. The temperature has risen these days, and the bus is hot, and there are many people on the bus. The most depressing thing is not knowing that the immoral guy put a silent fart in the car. . . Later, the glass broke. . .

12. One night, my parents came back from playing mahjong. I woke up when they entered the room, but I was still confused. Suddenly my leg cramps died (I think it is very long), and then I jumped out of bed. At that time, my consciousness was very vague, and I just wanted to take two steps to suppress the feeling of cramp. As a result, I took two steps and felt that I could not persist any longer. I plopped down on my knees in front of my father and gave him a fright. Kneeling down, I felt no cramps, then stood up silently and turned back to my room to sleep. There was not a word in the whole process. I guess my father was petrified at that time.

On July 22, 2009, I met a buddy on a BBS and said, "TMD, the eclipse was in the daytime, which made me wait all night for nothing!" "

14. The last time I watched a CCTV program, I couldn't remember the name, but I remember that at the beginning, a reporter asked a person at the train station, "Are you happy?" Ask everyone, some people say happiness, some people say unhappiness, and then ask a farmer ... reporter: "Are you happy?" The farmer looked at the reporter several times and said innocently, "My surname is Wang".

15. I perform plays at school. Before my monologue appeared, I noticed some girls changing clothes backstage-so I got **high. This play is Superstar of Jesus Christ, and I play Jesus. I only wear a few pieces of cloth. As a result, all the audience saw that Jesus was shamefully hard when he was crucified.

16. Punching in the bus usually sounds like "beep", and some student cards sound like "beep, student card" ... One of our classmates, a woman, rushed to take the bus, but she didn't have any money, and the bus came in a hurry ... She queued up with others as usual to get on the bus, and took the school student card to the machine to shake it when punching in. .....

17. The head teacher in junior high school likes to pick his nose. Once in self-study, the teacher came in to see if our homework was done well. After a visit, he became interested in my neighbor's homework. While sticking his head out to watch him do his homework, don't forget to pick his nose with his hand. Just listen to "pa", the teacher's booger actually fell on the neighbor's exercise book! At this time, the teacher should also be embarrassed to stand there and not know what to say. At this time, something terrible happened: I saw my neighbor slowly raise his head, look at the teacher and say, thank you, Long En!

18. Take the computer test, wait in the preparation area first, and then enter the examination area through a big glass door. After I finished the exam, I touched the door for a long time, but I couldn't touch the glass. The kind teacher next to me reminded me: "classmate, the door is open." ………

19. I received a short message from a strange number in the morning: "Happy New Year to your sister, the longer the more beautiful!" I thought for a long time, but I replied, "Who's calling, please?" A: "I'm your sister, I just changed my number!" " "

20. A naughty pupil reads comics in a comic book shop. Suddenly, a middle-aged mother shouted in the street, "Xiao Ming, you son of a bitch are still fooling around." If I catch you, you will die. I saw this pupil lose his cartoon and run ... for about 50 meters, panting. "... why should I run away? "I'm not Xiao Ming. 」

2 1. When I was in junior high school, I was very keen on constellations. One day, several girls were discussing constellations with relish. As soon as a boy came up, I grabbed him and asked, "What's your seat?"

The boy was stunned for 3 seconds and murmured, "It's made of meat ..." (It seems a bit similar).

22. Zheng Xiding's daughter-in-law went to her father-in-law's house to find her husband. Seeing my father-in-law washing his face, he asked, Dad, where's Ding? Father-in-law is unhappy and continues to wash his face. The daughter-in-law was angry and asked, Dad, where is Zheng Xiding? Father-in-law is furious: wash your face! Some children in the south may not understand, and the "Ding" in the north means ass.

23. There are three new omens before the earthquake:

24. Every time a wife quarrels with her husband, she has to go to the toilet for half a day. This happens more often, and her husband has to ask her, "What are you doing in the toilet? It seems quite Japanese? " The wife said, "Brush the toilet!" The husband asked, "Can you get rid of the air by brushing the toilet?" The wife said, "I don't know. It's all your toothbrush anyway."

25. A lady went to take pictures. After the photo shoot, I'll get the auto-developed photos. After reading it, I exclaimed, "How come I look like a monkey!" "The lady behind said coldly," that's mine. Yours has to wait. "

26. A person was sentenced to 12 years, and it was boring in prison. One day, he found that an ant could understand him, so he began to train it. A few years later, ants can stand on their heads and do somersaults, which makes him quite proud.

When he finally got out of prison, the first thing he did was run to the bar, ready to show off his magic ants. He first asked the bartender for a glass of beer, then took the ants out of his pocket and put them on the table. He said to the bartender, "Look at this ant ..."

The bartender came over, killed the ant at once, and said sorry to him, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll get you a new one right away!" " "

27. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold. ...

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A sniffles, and B and C are covered with A crystals.

Let us know next time ...

Half an hour later, A: Attention …

B, C, Wen Wen quickly got into the quilt and made sure there was no contact with the outside world …

As a result, a fart.

28. One day, one of my classmates went to the bank to withdraw money, thinking that there were still dozens of dollars in it, so he simply took it out together, so he said loudly to MM sitting in the bank, "Take out all the money inside!"

As soon as the bank's MM swiped the card, she immediately looked up at the megaphone and said seriously to her classmates, "There is only one dollar and fifty cents in it. Do you want to take it all out? "

There are many people waiting in line at the back. ...

29. One day, I (a man) just came out of the school's collective bathroom, and a pretty girl came up at the door and asked, "Hey, are there many people inside?" I was cheated at that time, I didn't know what to say for a while, and finally I managed to squeeze out the word "not much". . Meimei seemed to realize something and left silently. ...