Funny joke, I need it urgently.

1. Students go to the toilet during recess, and when they finish, they find that there is no paper, and they can't wait for people, so their mobile phones are in arrears. In desperation, he called 10086 for help. . . It is said that there was silence for a long time, and later ... his classmate received such a short message in class: Hello, China Mobile User, your classmate is in the toilet and asked you to send him toilet paper. Please contact 10086 for details.

2.

There is an old teacher in the Foreign Languages Department of our school. He is an old man with gray hair and bright eyes. He often wears an old-fashioned Chinese tunic suit, much like a national cadre in the 1950s. After retirement, the old professor gave full play to his afterheat and made a program "Learning English Every Day" for international radio stations every morning.

The program was broadcast live, early in the morning. Radio International is near Babaoshan, far away. So the old professor will go there before dawn every day.

One day, the old professor got up late. Don't be late. Take a taxi.

"Master, go to Babaoshan."

In the early morning fog, the host felt cold.

The old professor looked serious and said nothing all the way. Master flew all the way, and it's a long way. It's going to be broadcast live soon.

The old professor anxiously grabbed the master's shoulder:

"Hurry up, hurry up, it will be dawn soon!"

3. I went to Manbar again and rented A Jin Tianyi. As soon as I saw the second page, I burst into tears. I don't know who drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote, this is the murderer. ...

Our math teacher always likes telling jokes that nobody laughs at.

Our whole class discussed making fun of him, and when he said the first sentence in class, we all laughed in unison.

He came that day and silently said that his father had passed away.

I laughed at once, and everyone else was silent.

5. I got up in the morning and saw a Netease comment. The original is a screenshot.

First floor: Everybody calm down. Come and listen to the fifth floor. ! ~

Second floor: I think the fifth floor is very reasonable.

The third layer: the fifth layer speaks the voice of the people.

Fourth floor: The fifth floor is really nice!

Fifth floor: upstairs are full of idiots.

6. When driving today, the electronic eye of speed measuring flashed at me. I was definitely not speeding, so I turned around and passed the electronic eye at a slower speed, and it flashed again. I was puzzled, tried again, and really flashed again. I thought it was funny, so I slowly passed it again ... and then I got four tickets for not wearing my seat belt.

7. Go to the supermarket

I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins.

A child ran over and sang: A flock of ducks passed by the bridge in front of the door. Count it, 24678. . . .

Then the cashier was very depressed and poured the half-counted coins back and counted them again. ....

8. For a female friend's birthday, the four of us agreed to send her "Happy Birthday" at 0: 00, each of whom sent a word, and I got the second one.

As a result, they didn't send it

9. The funeral procession downstairs is playing "Go Home Often"

I wonder what that family thinks.

10. Transfer from Douban:

I suddenly received a phone call that day: "Guess who I am? Guess there is a gift! "

I guessed all possible people, and they were wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who are you? Don't say I'm dead! "

As a result, the man said, "I'm a courier, and you have a package ..."

I vomited blood at that time.

1 1. I remember when I was in college, I went to see a movie one year.

At home, the home team played badly!

Finally, we couldn't help it and began to shout "stupid X!"

At this moment, a big man stood up with a giant horn in his hand and shouted, "Stop shouting silly X!" " "

Suddenly, the audience was silent.

(..., there are still strong fans. )

After a pause, the big man continued, "Everyone shouted at me, stupid X!" "

wordless ...

12. I'll write one too. It's my neighbor's sister

When she was a child, she lived in a bungalow and had a big cat at home. Cats are very kind to her, especially those close to her.

One day, she woke up in the morning, OMG, there was a dead mouse by the pillow. She was scared to death. She screamed for her father. Her father was shocked as soon as he entered the door. Then he looked carefully, and the big cat squatted at her window and watched. It turned out that this big cat caught the dead mouse and wanted to give it to the neighbor and sister ORZ. . .

13. A classmate of mine from high school went to the highway intersection as a toll collector after graduation. One day, a Japanese man came to his window and asked for directions. Japanese fluent English made him unable to understand a word, but a strong sense of patriotism told him not to lose face in front of the Japanese, so he just smiled and nodded, "Yes, yes, yes ~!" "Then the Japanese rode his bike on the highway!

14. There are frequent scandals in Wuhan University. I don't know if this counts. Wuhan University has a Zhouyi class. The teacher came in with a compass and walked around the classroom. Then, he spit out a sentence: students, it is not appropriate to have class today. Let's finish school.

15. In primary school, one of my male classmates picked up a piece of paper while walking and opened it. That's a piece of paper with a curse on it. It says that if you don't copy the contents of this paper to others 50 times tomorrow, you will die ugly, and so on. Scared by my classmates, I quickly copied 50 copies overnight when I got home. The next day, I sent it to others. At first, I sent several copies, but later everyone knew what it was, and said nothing about the paper he handed me. So the morning passed, and he still accumulated dozens of copies in his hand.

In the first music class in the afternoon, the teacher happened to call his name and let him sing. Only the little boy stood up with tearful eyes and said simply, "People are dying ... how can they be in the mood to sing?" .

16. I bought a bag of cockroach medicine on Taobao. When I opened it, a live cockroach ran out. . .

17. The students traveled and climbed to the top of the mountain. A girl stood on the top of the mountain very excitedly and shouted: motherland, my mother! (I think this sentence is more like a river crab) Then a boy who has a crush on this girl shouted excitedly: motherland, my mother-in-law!

18. When I was a sophomore, I often ate casserole on the second floor of the canteen.

Once I ordered a casserole, and I stood there waiting. I saw a bowl of casserole sent backstage, and the waitress at the front desk was picking around in the casserole with chopsticks. After half a minute, I finally looked up in surprise and shouted: beef casserole, whose beef casserole? ...

19. Recently, I heard that there is a fire chemical industry (the salary is still very high). . I made an appointment with several classmates to go for an interview, and the result gave us a question as follows:

Let's put makeup on a dead man, fight back for salary and work, and be brave. One entered the room, the light went out, and the other died.

Everyone else lies in front of you, so start putting on makeup. . My hands are shaking. . In the middle of the result, suddenly the dead man stood up and asked, "Dude!

Who asked you to help me make up? ".I fainted when I heard it (it turned out that the dead were fake, but a living person pretended to test your courage)

Don't play like this. . . I went home in a cold sweat.

20. After the military training in senior high school, the first day of class is Chinese.

I didn't rest at the same table, so I slept in class.

The teacher saw, "Students who are sleeping,

Please answer this question. "

My deskmate woke up with a tingle. "I won't ..."

Teacher: "concentrate on the class and stop sleeping."

Sit down! Then student 53 comes to answer this question. "

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I won't ..."

The teacher fainted. "Sit down, and then the students will answer!"

The deskmate stood up and said, "Teacher, I really can't!" "

"Sit down! The representative of the Chinese class answered me! "

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I am the representative of Chinese class ..."

2 1. My buddy rented a house, and one night I went out for a walk with him after dinner in his room. Wandering for about half an hour, this guy suddenly patted his thigh and shouted, oh, no, I forgot. So we hurried back. After opening the door, I really smelled a smell of gas. The room was dark. I just wanted to turn on the light when this guy knocked my hand off. He shouted. The spark of the switch will cause an explosion. Idiot! "I broke out in a cold sweat as soon as you listen, which almost killed me. I quickly said yes, yes, it's good to have you here. Then this guy touched something in his pocket and looked at it in the moonlight. This idiot took out a lighter. ...

22. Today is my wedding day. At the wedding reception, I told my wife about our first meeting. I fell in love with her at first sight and decided that she was my lifelong companion. Just then, I found my wife suddenly lost her temper, and then I realized that I was talking about the story of my ex-girlfriend, who was on the visiting team.

23. When I was in primary school, I slept at night and dreamed of quarreling with my father. I was so angry that I woke up. When I woke up, I saw my father beside me, still very angry. I went up and slapped myself = =

24. I have a friend A, a sophomore with strict parents. On Valentine's Day, I go shopping with my girlfriend in the morning and have dinner with my family in the evening. A large table of people gathered together to watch TV and eat, and the news talked about Valentine's Day appropriately …

My second aunt chatted: A, did you talk about your girlfriend?

A: No, no, it's the age of study. (What you said is really going on)

Dad: Well, you dare not test!

At this moment, A and his girlfriend appeared in the TV news, holding hands …

25. Talking to my boyfriend, when it comes to rising, my saliva splashed all over his face. Then instinctively wipe it off by hand. I was a little embarrassed, but I deliberately shifted my focus and pretended to be angry: "What? Don't like me, "he said with a gentleman's smile. "No, wipe it evenly!"

1.

When I go to work in the morning, the bus is crowded and there are so many people.

At the second stop, a little beauty came up, followed by a man. They don't seem to know each other I haven't spoken for several times. Xiaomei should be around 1.62, and I am 1.80, which is basically one head taller than her. The kind of packaged soybean milk that Xiaomei is holding. He stood in front of me. Because of the special crowd, Xiaomei stood in the middle and couldn't catch the handrail at all. Perhaps because she was afraid of spilling soy milk, she held the paper cup filled with soy milk high above her shoulders and took a sip from time to time. I didn't eat breakfast in the morning, and I was really hungry when I smelled soybean milk. She took a sip and the whole country rested. The straw is just not far from my mouth, about 3 cm at most.

After a while, I couldn't help it. I opened my mouth and took a sip. It's very light. Xiaomei didn't notice it. Then she took a sip, then raised her shoulder, and I took another sip. After a while, the soybean milk should be gone, but I don't know. She said to herself, "What a world this is! The soybean milk seller lied. They pack so little, and a few moves will soon be finished. " I almost laughed at that time. When she lifted the paper cup to her shoulder again, I smoked it step by step. As a result, because there was not much inside, I made a "hem" sound when I smoked. Xiaomei turned around fiercely, and I was petrified at that time. I have her straw in my mouth. Where is the stiffness? It was embarrassing. MB, I have the idea of jumping off a car. Xiaomei said, "What are you doing? Does it taste good？ Do you want me to buy you another drink? Look at you dressed so handsome, you don't look like a poor man. " Me: "..."

I'm still scared when I think about it. At the next stop, Xiaomei got off, and several people around me were watching me all the time. I said to myself, "It's my girlfriend. You're kidding me." I just finished. The man who got on the bus with Xiaomei said, "What are you talking about, brother? I'll let you drink soy milk, and so will you. " Is it my girlfriend? "Me:" Ah, then why don't you get off? "The elder brother said," she arrived, and I didn't. I have a few more stops to go. Are you a little shameless? I drank all the soy milk. So many people, I won't say more. You want my girlfriend too. Is it mine? " I whispered, "It's yours, it's yours, I don't want it. " 。"

I just got to the station, so I jumped down. . . I'm sweating all over.

Too flustered.

It's so tangled

I am sad.

2.

Once I suddenly thought of going swimming and bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket, because there was no other color, only red. As a result, I didn't expect the swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, a wisp of red came out of my lower body and rippled in the water ... An uncle swam past me, looked at the red "blood" under me and looked at my bare upper body. For an instant, his expression was very contradictory. ...

3.

Tell me more about my childhood! Everyone knows the big 28 bicycles with beams! When I was four or five years old, I used to sit directly on the beam of my father's bike and sit sideways. After a long time, my feet would be numb and uncomfortable! Last time I went to grandma's house, I suggested sitting in the back seat, because my feet wouldn't get numb! Agreed! Haha, let's go! ! As a result, when I arrived at my destination, something terrible happened … My father forgot me, took my leg off from behind and kicked me straight away …

4.

I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with low emotional intelligence finally met a girl he liked, and they just started dating.

Once a girl was ill, and a boy accompanied her to the infirmary for intravenous drip.

Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, and nothing happened.

Thinking of breaking the silence, the boy asked, "Is it cold?"

"cold"

"Cold, I'll cover it for you?"

The girl blushed and whispered "good"

Then the boy stood up. . . . . . . . . . Cover the drip bottle with your hand.

5.

It is said that when I was a child, I always bullied my sister because of my age. One night, my father came to tuck us in and suddenly found my three-year-old sister sitting in the dark watching me sleep!

Why don't you go to bed? Dad asked.

Sister quickly said: shh! Keep your voice down and hit her when she falls asleep!

6.

I have a classmate who loves YY and life, and feels a little possessed.

School should do morning exercises in the morning, and he thinks that teachers must also get up early to do exercises, otherwise it is unfair.

So I went directly to consult with the principal.

The headmaster paused and said, where are you from?

My classmate said affectionately that I was sent by God to save you.

Client: ×※% () ￥××※%

7.

This man is hard of hearing as he grows old. I remember when I was a child at my grandmother's house, one morning my grandfather was going fishing, and I met the old man next door as soon as I went out. The old man said to my grandfather, "Go fishing!" My grandfather said, "No! I'm going fishing. " Then the old man said, "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I was stunned.

8.

I didn't pay attention to washing the dishes. I dropped it on the floor. Fortunately, except for a corner on the side, it became a small gap.

Then continue to wash the dishes. My right hand didn't pay attention. I passed through the gap ... it was broken.

I thought: Is it really that fast? I can break my hand. Then I tried it with my left hand and it broke.

I thought to myself, that was fast. If this bowl is used for eating, it will soon be miserable. Then nc, I tried it with my mouth ... my lip was broken ...

9.

A couple on the bus, the woman let a pervert touch her, and her boyfriend was expressionless. After arriving at the station, her boyfriend pulled the pervert out of the car, beat him skillfully and took his girlfriend away. Analysis of the reasons for a website's voting. 75% voted "This kid is waiting for his skills to cool down ..."

10.

There is a steamed stuffed bun shop near the subway station, and the business is very good. Next to the queue every day is a train ticket sales point.

Queue up there to buy steamed buns today. When I was about to arrive, I heard two men behind me say, Oh, this is the steamed stuffed bun shop, the train ticket conductor … Ah, it's over there!

1 1.

Just sent a drunk buddy home, and the man cried all the way for a massage. Sent to the door, his wife opened many relatives and friends and said to me, "This, this, this young lady is really like my wife, hehe." It's inconvenient to have an attack at the sight of his wife's face. Help him into the living room with me. He said he had to go to the bathroom, so he went in by himself. After seeing his wife, he answered the phone and left angrily with doubts. This buddy came out of the toilet and said to me, "I just called my wife and said that the company will not go back after working overtime."

12.

Once, I went to the underground city to brush the map with the warriors ... half an hour passed, and suddenly a message came from the loudspeaker, which almost killed me. "The students from the middle school affiliated to Zhejiang XX Mine came and ran away." .....

13.

When buying gloves, the boss wants 35, and I said 30. The boss insisted on 35 and refused to give in after several talks. I thought about it and gave a 50, and he quickly gave me 35. . . .

14.

One more

In high school, our toilet had a door with a spring, which could return to its original position, but it could only be opened in, not out.

Many people have the habit of opening the toilet door and kicking it.

Most people just kick about knee-high. I have a classmate who has practiced martial arts, probably to show off or to maintain his flexibility. He always lifts his feet high and kicks them to about the height of his chest.

One night, the man went to WC, walked to the door, didn't think about it, lifted his foot and kicked.

As soon as our dean had finished speaking, he pushed the door and went out.

So our dean was kicked back to the toilet by my classmates. . .

15.

Take your wife to the physical examination in the morning, and after taking blood:

Nurse: You can get the list on the 32nd.

Wife: 65438+1October 32 or February 32.

I (weak): February 1.

Nurse (Khan): Yes ~ Yes ~ Yes ~

16.

I flew a few days ago and found a beautiful woman sitting next to me. According to the principle of chatting up, I blurted out, where do you get off?

17.

I cooked porridge with an electric cooker in the dormitory last night. Suddenly my roommate was killed in the dormitory and said, no, the hospital leader led a team to check the illegal electrical appliances in the dormitory. It's next door. What should I do with a cooker? In desperation, I hid the pot directly under the bed. When the teacher came, he said, well, I can still trust Xiao Lei, so I won't look at your locker. I feel glad, the teacher went on to say, see if you use an electric blanket. As a result, I was recorded time

18.

The cat pounced on someone, got a new girlfriend, and wanted to visit her home. Knowing that he often swears, his girlfriend repeatedly warned him not to talk nonsense, and some people readily agreed. After the meeting, someone responded freely without saying anything, and his girlfriend's parents were very satisfied. After dinner, in the cold winter, my girlfriend's parents insisted on sending each other to the side of the road. Some people are very touched and their brains are hot. He blurted out: "Uncle, don't see me off, go back quickly and freeze my aunt who loves YY and life!" "

19.

Today, my boss asked me to delete all the CS in Internet cafes. I have been busy all night. Why do you want to delete CS? Actually, the cause is this. I heard the news of the temporary inspection by the Public Security Bureau today. For several days in a row, I became a street sweeper and drove all creatures below 18 out of the internet cafe. So when the police uncles came from afar, my boss and I were not nervous. However, it is a pity. When the police uncles just stepped into the door of the Internet cafe, a group of people playing CS in the Internet cafe shouted excitedly: "The police are coming! The police are coming! The police are in the dog hole! Brothers, let's go! Kill them! " All right. I admit, at that moment, not only the faces of the police uncles were green, but also the faces of my boss and I were horribly green.

20.

8 18 A sister did a funny thing.

She has a mobile phone and a PHS. One day, she changed a new mobile phone card. A colleague asked her what her new number was. She said she forgot, so she dialed her PHS with her changed mobile phone.

While dialing, I continued to chat with my colleagues. After PHS rang, she answered and asked, "Hello? ..... hello? ..... You talk, don't talk, I hang up! "

All the colleagues present were stunned.

Then she hung up and said, "psycho, don't talk on the phone."

1. My wife went on a business trip and didn't come back for several days.

She secretly sent me a short message at the meeting in the afternoon. The leader next to him slept like a dead pig. It's so funny ~

As a result, the telecom problem was sent to my mobile phone in the middle of the night.

I almost jumped off a building. ...

My husband set out and played hide-and-seek with his three-year-old daughter at home at night. I hid behind the curtain and saw my daughter lying in front of the sofa and said to the bottom of the dark sofa, Aunt, come out quickly, I see you. ...

3. I remember that a buddy slept in the last row in high school night study. I woke up suddenly, and then turned off the lights to sleep. At that time, the whole class looked silly.

4. Worried about the name of the child in the future, the first generation. Uncle's cousin is called Chen Guandong, and Bo Er's cousin is called Chen Guannan. Yesterday, my mother said that a cousin of Sanbo's family gave birth to a baby named Chen Guanbei. Shit, the family is sinister! Third brother, this is hurting me. However, I just finished watching "The Prosperous Age", and after admiring it, I have secretly planned to be crowned champion. You can't tell my little cousin.

In my junior year, I had lunch with bf in the school cafeteria at noon. There were so many people that I finally got a face-to-face seat. The couple sitting behind me are also face to face. I'm back to back with that boy. Suddenly, the couple began to quarrel. It seems that the rice cooked by that boy is not delicious, and I don't care. I continued to eat happily ~ I heard a bang while eating, and suddenly I felt a very hot feeling coming from my hair on my back. By feeling, a pot of spicy rice noodles covered my head, and I was petrified for a minute ~ numb At this moment, a male voice whispered in my ear: Sorry, she is going to hit me!

6. I have a friend. He said that his college classmates once went to the university cafeteria for dinner. At that time, he was holding a lunch box and hesitated to eat. He murmured: Do you eat chicken or fish? Aunt in the canteen urged him to choose quickly. He patted his head and shouted, Eat the chicken! Aunt in the canteen froze for three seconds and gave him a sausage. . .

7. The big cat at home gave birth to six kittens, which are very cute. Because they are just born and haven't opened their eyes yet. For some reason, a kitten can't find a guy to eat with, or the competition is too great to catch it. One day, the big cat went out to eat. I went to see it and found that the kitten was holding the tail of another kitten, sucking and sucking.

8.

The students told stories about her middle school days. In class, a boy fell asleep at his desk and was found by the teacher. The teacher is very calm: the deskmate cares.

. . .

This is really a washing tool. . . The deskmate took off his coat and put it on the sleeping boy. . .

9. My computer password is: Love YY, Love Life You, and then yesterday my boss wanted to use my computer, and then asked me to send the password to his mobile phone. ...

10. In general, early self-study in senior high schools is preceded by early self-study. Everyone gets up in the smog, washes in the smog and goes to the classroom. At this time, the female head teacher has been waiting at the door of the classroom, only to see her wearing red long trousers around her neck and her hands in her pockets looking at one classmate after another. Self-study, everyone is shrinking. ...

1 1. I remember a classmate playing a prank and putting a monster sticker on the back of my clothes when I wasn't looking. I was so stupid that I didn't notice it for several days and didn't tell me ... Then I finally found it and asked my aunt: Aunt, didn't you see this sticker when you were washing clothes? My aunt said: I saw it! I asked, then why don't you help me take it off? My aunt said innocently, I thought it was a trademark. I was afraid of washing, so I took it off and washed it, and then I dried it and stuck it on you …

12.

Once I met a primary school teacher I hadn't seen for years. I am very excited and feel very kind. I don't know what to think. I ran up and touched the teacher's head excitedly. The teacher was shocked and I was puzzled. Then I said ... you've grown so big!

That sweat at that time, I wanted to take a shit quickly …

13. One day, a group of young people of unknown origin came to a private room for their birthday. They are all dressed up, thinking that another black sheep from Gao Qian is coming to have fun. After asking, don't miss it, don't serve food, so I sent a platter, which didn't matter.

Comrade JC will check after midnight. (Just going through the motions and saying hello in advance. Without saying hello, they are sure to meet their leader. ) But I didn't expect that all these people were taking drugs. JC looked at a bunch of young people and asked me, we don't know each other. Without saying anything, I caught it. So, comedy happened.

A man with glasses is lying on the wall, swimming on all fours. The expression is very obscene. JC, go up and drag it down. Glasses man: I love YY and life. I became a gecko. You can still recognize me.

14. Send an anecdote about a classmate: the classmate is also a girl. I felt something was wrong with rf for a while and went to the hospital for examination. The doctor said it was lobular hyperplasia of breast; My classmate froze for a long time and asked angrily, what did you say? I have lobular hyperplasia? Is my only cup full, too Then what else do I have besides proliferation?

15. My classmate's father is a taxi driver. On that day, two men stretched out their hands and stopped the car:

How much is it to XXX?

Probably 10 yuan.

Can two people go 15?

..... let's go. Let's go

16. It turns out that when I was at school, my deskmate made it specially.

Once he was caught sleeping in class by the teacher, who said xxx stood up.

I woke him up and said that the teacher told you to stand up. He glared at the teacher and refused to stand up.

Teacher is anxious xxx, you stand up for me! He still didn't get up and rolled his eyes at the teacher.

The teacher lost his temper, xxx. I can't control students like you to continue their classes.

I whispered xxx at the bottom. You're really against the teacher.

Xxx said that I actually wanted to stand up.

But ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ my legs are numb. . .

17. At the New Year's Eve, some tables are famous brands, and everyone else can sit casually. Then I heard a woman say, "Go and sit in the front, where there is your memorial tablet." I suddenly collapsed. ...

18. In the second half of the semester, one of our classmates was arrested by Duan Chang for texting in the toilet, but he refused to give up his comrades anyway. Duan Chang calmly sent a short message on his mobile phone-"Come to the men's room on the second floor to get the answer."

Then ... my colleagues came from all directions, and ........... was wiped out. ......

19. There are two fruit stalls at the school gate. A girl bought bananas at booth A and kept pinching bananas when picking them. I guess it's all cooked. At this time, the stall owner of B XE booth said happily, classmate, come and buy it from me. My banana is hard. . . .

20. A guy in my roommate, who is very fancy and has numerous girlfriends, asked him one night, "Why do you like women so much?"

"I lacked maternal love since I was a child, and my parents are not around."

"What if there is a lack of fatherly love?"

This man said the words that he regretted all his life, "I have you."

Since then, this man has been taken great care of in our dormitory.