Funny joke, show me!

6 1. One day, I found that my mobile phone was missing. I searched my bag and every corner of the house, but I couldn't find it. I sat on the ground depressed, took out my mobile phone from my pocket and sent a short message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone. 62. My neighbor forgot his key, turned it over from my balcony, found the key in the house, turned it back, and then opened his door. What's even more amazing is that I met on the balcony from beginning to end and didn't feel anything wrong. Well, our heads must have passed through the same door. 63. I still remember the first time I confessed to a girl, I was so nervous that I said, "Well, that, XX, I'll be your girlfriend." 64. A young colleague asked for a bottle of Sprite at work the other day and poured it for everyone. When it was his turn, the bottle was empty. So my colleague shook the Sprite bottle and said to the waiter, "Is this still available?" The waiter ran over, took the bottle and examined it carefully. He said sincerely, "It's gone." 65. I had dinner with two enthusiastic female colleagues in the company. They introduced me to someone. I want to say: you two matchmakers are really enthusiastic. As a result, you two fat women ... 66. You play Warcraft. The counselor rounds the room, furious, grabs the mouse, drags the desktop shortcut of Warcraft into the recycle bin, empties it, and says, let you play again! 67. Once everyone was playing mahjong, and the power went out, so they lit candles and continued to play. Later, someone was too hot and shouted, "Hey ~ turn on the electric fan." Everyone advised, "No, no, the candle will be blown out. 68. I like this pair of gloves. The boss wanted 35 yuan, and I said I'd take 30 yuan. The boss insisted on 35 yuan and refused to give in after several rounds of talks. I thought about it and gave it to a 50 yuan, and he quickly gave it to me in 35 yuan. 69. A topic requires connecting the following four sentences with related words: 1. Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed; 2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously; 3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages; 4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture. The correct answer should be: "Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard and learned not only many foreign languages, but also acupuncture. As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages. I found a more fierce child writing: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed! 70. When cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" " "7 1. My name is Zhu, and I manage the computer room of the unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Director Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" "At that time, I yelled at that guy. 72. A leader led everyone to drink, raised his glass and shouted, "Let's die together! "Everyone ... 73. I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot. 74. Once I went to the market to buy vegetables for a dinner party, a Korean friend bought lettuce from 2.4 yuan. He gave all his change to the peddler, and he was still short of a dime, so he said to the peddler, "I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair." The peddler was silent for a long time and replied, "I don't want your hair." "75. I once chatted while eating in the canteen, and suddenly found myself leaving a piece of rice outside, secretly feeling sorry for the farmer's uncle's waste of food, so I picked it up and ate it. But then I found out that this meal didn't seem to be mine. Xiao Qiang gave a speech at the rally, and the people below were all listening attentively. Xiao Qiang said, "I hate two kinds of people the most! One is racist, one is black and the third is illiterate! " The people below were sweating like a pig. 77. After swimming yesterday, I opened the trunk directly, threw the key in, and then closed the trunk ... 78. I went to my good friend's house. Chatting and chatting, her father came back and called her "aunt". Embarrassed, her mother appeared again, opened her mouth and called her "uncle" ... and then she doubted her IQ infinitely. 79. Once I went to buy Regan Noodles, there was a couple in front of me. The boss asked them if they wanted coriander. The man said no and the woman said why not. I was thinking, "coriander, why do men want coriander and women don't want coriander ..." My boss asked me what to eat. I answered loudly without hesitation: "Coriander! When I was in high school, I got up early. My mother made me a schoolbag and took it to school early. Usually steamed bread. My mother cooked porridge when there was no class on Sunday. I don't know which nerve is beating I picked up the porridge and threw it in my schoolbag. 8 1. One day, I heard that there were a lot of people buying roast duck. Without thinking, her old man said, "When I got off work, there were a lot of people buying roast duck. I saw a queue waiting for roast duck in front of the window. 82. Once I had breakfast at school, a classmate swiped my card in front of me, but the machine didn't respond. I was very depressed and said that the machine was broken and I didn't brush it again. He changed another one, still the same, very angry! I just wanted to put the card in my bag and found a bank card in my hand. I laugh wildly! He pointed at me and laughed even harder, so I took my ID card! 83. In the morning, a plastic bag in the left hand is full of snacks, and a plastic bag in the right hand is garbage. I opened the trash can in the morning and threw a bag with a bang. Then I went to the company with another Shi Shiran. I was hungry at noon and wanted to eat snacks. I opened the cupboard and found a bag of garbage inside. 84. I took the subway into the gate, brushed my mobile phone on the gate, and kept telling the people waiting for me why I couldn't brush it out. The machine is broken. . . Sweating. 85.20 years ago, my mother sent my one-year-old sister to kindergarten on a 28-inch Phoenix men's bike. When she arrived at the kindergarten, she made a mantis gesture and shook her legs, feeling knocked down. She wouldn't push the car forward. A few steps later, someone shouted, "Comrade, this comrade ..." My mother turned her head and saw my one-year-old sister sitting still and lying on the ground. After more than 20 years, my sister refused to ride my mother's bike anyway. She hated it for more than 20 years ... 86. She likes to eat all melon seeds. The magic height is one foot and the height is ten feet. After eating all the pills, I poured the melon seeds on the plate into the trash can and looked at another plate of melon seeds in a daze. 87. The monitor stood by and shook his mouse, but still stood by. After shaking it hard for a long time, I found that I was shaking my mobile phone ... 88. I went shopping by bike and entered the store without locking the car. Come out after shopping, lock the car and get ready to go by bike. 89. When I was a child, I liked to bite the nib. One day, I felt something was wrong, especially salty. Then I found that I took a sip of ink. Once I peeled an apple, but the long batch didn't break. I am very proud. I threw the apple into the trash can and sent it to my mouth with the skin! 100. When I scrambled eggs and tomatoes, I smashed the cooked eggs on the side of the bowl for a long time and told my wife that the eggs were bad. 10 1. Last time I had a cold injection, the nurse told me to take off my pants, and I almost took it off to the end. 102. I was dizzy in the company once and wanted to go to the toilet. I unconsciously walked to the front of the pure water machine and looked at half a bucket of water, but I didn't react. I unzipped my crotch with a "Z" ... Suddenly I reacted violently, zipped up with a "Z" and casually returned to my seat. Fortunately, there is no one around. On second thought, I guess I was too busy at work. 103. At the picnic, I found the last cigarette butt in the cigarette case, threw zippo directly into the fire, put the cigarette case back in my bag, and had a barbecue. Then a bunch of sparks burned two people's clothes and destroyed two bowls of jiaozi. 104. Use your mobile phone as a lighter to light a cigarette, and use it as a TV remote control. 105. While cooking, the phone rang. After answering the phone, I put it directly in the dish basin. As a result, it went into the pot with the food. Then I looked at the mobile phone in the pot for a long time before I took it out quickly. Fortunately, lettuce was fried at that time ... if Mapo tofu ... it would be over ... 106. The university and roommates went home, changed clothes together after entering the door, and suddenly they saw one. . . When I got to the elevator, I "woke up" and found myself wearing only underwear. She ... . . . . Only wearing pants. . . . Fortunately, there is no one in the corridor. 107. I washed my hands in the bathroom before eating. When I saw the mirror, my brain suddenly shorted out. I skillfully took a cup toothbrush, squeezed facial cleanser on the toothbrush, and hummed my teeth, wondering why the toothpaste tasted wrong today. 108. On the first day of work, someone called the manager (female) and gave him the phone by the way. Mom, someone asked for you and answered the phone. 109. once in a computer class, I sent a message to my boyfriend and bravely shouted to the teacher: "husband! My computer is not connected! " The noisy classroom was instantly quiet. Five seconds later, everyone burst into laughter. The teacher is a little old man in his fifties. 1 10. My sister has a mobile phone and a PHS. One day, she changed a new mobile phone card. A colleague asked her what her new number was. She said she forgot, so she dialed her PHS with her changed mobile phone. While dialing, I continued to chat with my colleagues. After PHS rang, she answered and asked, "Hello? ..... hello? ..... You talk, don't talk, I hang up! " All the colleagues present were stunned. Then she hung up the phone and said, "Psycho, don't talk on the phone. 1 1 1. One day, a classmate went to Zhongguancun, and a stall owner leaned in and asked, "Do you want a hard disk? Cheap "students took it and said," How hard is it? 1 12. I remember when I was in the fifth grade of primary school, the class teacher asked a group of junior one students: What nationality are you from? The classmate said, "Yi people" and then asked the second classmate, "What about you?" Answer: "Zu Er" 1 13. Guest A: Boss, is the iced soybean milk hot? ... 1 14. A friend went to buy home appliances and saw a weighing scale on the ground. This friend is fat and wants to try the scale when he sees it. So I stepped on it immediately, with a bang. It turned out to be an induction cooker. 1 15. That was the first time I used a bus IC card. After I got on the bus, I showed my card to the driver and went straight to my seat. Don't want to, the driver said "read the card", so I read the IC card carefully: "Hefei bus IC card ~ ~", and the driver said "read it over there", so I went to the place pointed by the driver and read it hard: "Hefei bus IC card ..."116. The fourth dormitory student got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. 1 17. Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" (Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed until I sprayed the soup. Once upon a time, there was a man named Shuang. He is dead. On the day of the funeral. His family shouted, "Cool ... so cool. Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?" The family cried:' Great ... awesome! ! 1 19. One day, the turtle's father, mother and son decided to go for an outing. They took a Shandong pie and two cans of sea chicken and set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor, unloaded their equipment and prepared to eat. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener! Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." Father Tortoise: "Good son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back! Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me!" " Don't break your word! "So the turtle son set foot on the road home ... Time flies, time flies, and 20 years have passed, but the turtle son hasn't appeared yet. Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I was so hungry that I said ... "Father Tortoise:" No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for another five years, or let him go! "In five years, turtle son still didn't see. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start. He took out the pie and was about to eat it ... suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree ... turtle son: "damn it!" I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years and finally got it! I hate being cheated! 1 19. I was drinking with some friends one night, and several people drank too much. One of them fell asleep on the side of the road, so we couldn't lift him, so we discussed finding something to cover him so as not to catch cold. When I saw him a few days later, he said that he woke up the next day and found three bicycles on him. 120. Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name? Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are called Xin. Just like some people are short of water, so they are called Miao, while others are short of wood, so they are called Sen. Dad: What do you think Sister Guo Jingjing is short of in this life? 12 1. Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it? Men are willing to listen So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted. W: Does it sound like a cuckoo? Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it! 122. The tortoise is injured. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry and scolded: * * If I don't come back, I will die! At this time, there was a snail's voice outside the door: you said that Lao Tzu would not go! 123. One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. Stand up at the beginning. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it. 124. Elephants accidentally stepped on an ant nest, and their nesting ants climbed onto the elephants. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it". 125. One morning in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up and said, "I'm not dead yet!" " "The teacher said strangely," the whole class is dead. Why don't you die? "126. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now. 127. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I a stupid child? Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?" Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch named ...................................." Continue to tell the story: "Below? It's gone ... "129. A person who just learned a foreign language was walking in the street that day and accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry." 130. A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King, dear Wukong: I wrote this letter very slowly, because I know you can't read it fast! It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days! Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter? Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day! Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl! Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket! It's very late to write here. Come to my place to play when you are free. Remember not to drink more water, or you will feel uncomfortable here. I want to send you money, but the envelope is stuck! 13 1. Sina News Headline: Chongqing Railway Police Special Police is practicing anti-terrorism on the train. A netizen in Hebei commented: Can I get on the train in China? Still fucking fighting terrorism. 132. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit. 132. Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it. "When the man went again in January, the street where he lost money was dug up to build roads. He can't help but sigh, "Shanghai is the truth. "133. One day, an ant was sunbathing. When it suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly, it got up and straightened its front legs. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him. 134. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! Father earthworm said weakly. ... I suddenly want to play football. 135. The tortoise and the hare race ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, Come on, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... The tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him, Come up, too .. So the ant came up. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. 136. One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ There is a fire, and I'm still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks ... 137. A man went fishing by the river, first wearing a leaf ~ for a long time, no fish took the bait, so he changed a piece of bread ~ for a long time, no fish took the bait ~ he had to change the earthworm ~ at the same time, no fish took the bait ~ ~ He took it out in a rage. Buy it yourself! 138. My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring his handkerchief and has been sucking it through his nose. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher is > He said, "Who steals noodles in class and makes so much noise?" 139. The patient said to the dentist, "You really make money. You made $3 in three seconds. The doctor replied, "I can pull it out in slow motion if you like." "140. Narcissism means that you must be reborn as a woman in your next life and then marry a man like me. Despair "means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one:" Is there anything worse in the world? ! Eat the second one. Shit! Yes! "speechless" means that the judge asks: why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money. 14 1. The Weaver Girl came down to take a shower and got to know the Cowherd, and performed a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, so we have to take a bath outside ... 142. Xiaoming went to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet. "The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he took an examination of Xiaoming." Xiaoming looked blank ... and then said, "Ants didn't say anything ... 143. A person always farts at work, and his colleagues couldn't help but say," Can you be quiet? " Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " 144. Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." The mother mosquito said, "Ignore it. Their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit. 145. I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a pottery jar of the Western Zhou Dynasty, and sent it to the column of Jianbao for identification yesterday. The expert seriously said, "Which Western Zhou Dynasty did this belong to?" This is from last week! 146. Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said. 147. A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county, and the quality is not good. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... At this time, the prisoner cried: "You strangle me, it's so scary! 148. The father told his son a story: "Uncle asked Xiaoyang to cut wood. Unexpectedly, Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? " The son replied, "Maybe Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he didn't dare to scold him. 149. dung beetles and mosquitoes fall in love for the first time. Dung beetles: "What do you do? Mosquito: "Nurse, I got an injection." "dung beetles grabbed the mosquito's hand and wept bitterly:" Fate, I am also a doctor, Chinese medicine, and I pinch pills. 150. Men can't find a girlfriend, so they have to tell their fortune. The fortune teller said: you are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life; Not that person's eyes lit up: then I should have it all my life? The fortune teller said, well, you will get used to living alone for the rest of your life. 15 1. Someone was eating, and there was no beef in the beef Lamian Noodles, so he pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake? 152. Three mice tasted the wines of the United States, Japan and China respectively, and the mouse who drank the American wine fell down after three steps; The mouse who drank Japanese wine fell down after two steps; The mouse drinking China Erguotou, with a kitchen knife in his hand, shouted, "Where's the fucking cat? 153. While eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called the waiter and asked, "Why isn't the braised fish I ordered ready yet?" "Just a moment, sir." "What? Still waiting? The customer said angrily, "Is your fish fresh?" 154. One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked which of the two bugs under the word "stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right! 155. A man was about to jump off a building when his wife, who had just returned, shouted, "Honey, take it easy, we still have a long way to go!" Hearing this, the man jumped down without hesitation. The negotiator standing by said, "Madam, you really shouldn't threaten him with 156. Director and * * * section chief take the elevator. After the director farted, he said to the section chief, "You farted." The section chief said, "I didn't let you." Soon the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting, "What a big fart. 157. A lazy cat madly pursued a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat treated the mouse in every way, and the mouse soon became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Dear, why are you so kind to me?" The cat smiled and said, "You'll know when you get fatter. 158. Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative. Ugliness is not my intention. God, don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to set off the beauty of this world! Actually, I'm really creative. 159. Friends go climbing together. When they reached the top of the mountain, a girl shouted to the beautiful mountains and rivers: motherland! My mother! A boy who secretly loves her quickly shouted: motherland! My mother-in-law 160. I bought two puppies before, one named you "face" and the other named myself "ass"! It's not two days since Face died in a car accident. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face! If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass now! 16 1. After Tang Zeng drove Wukong away, he met the monster again. He had to recite a spell to call Wukong back to help. Soon, a voice came from the air: "Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is not in the service area. Please try again later. 162. When the mouse went to the toilet, he was too scared to say a word when he saw the bear. The bear looked at the mouse and said, "won't you lose your hair?" The mouse shivered and said nothing. The bear asked again, "Can't you depilate?" The mouse trembled and said, "No …" The bear grabbed the mouse and wiped his ass and left! [treat mice as toilet paper ... 163. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you, you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all! 164. Panda's birthday, I say to you: I made two wishes, one is to cure my dark circles, and the other is to have a color photo. 165. Bees chase butterflies, but butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: where is he better than me? Butterfly replied: people at least have their own house, unlike you who live in a dormitory. 166. Robber: "Tell me the password of the safe! I'll kill you if you don't say it! " Female employee: "Don't say it! Kill me and don't say anything! Even if you spoil me, I won't tell you! ! "After looking up and down the female staff, the robber scolded," You want to be beautiful! ""167. A reporter went to the South Pole to interview 100 penguins! Ask these penguins what they are doing all day! The first one said, "Eat, sleep and beat peas." The second said, "Eat, sleep and beat peas." I kept asking, asking 99 questions, and the100th said, "Eat and sleep." The reporter asked, "Why don't you fight peas?" Penguin said, "Shit, I'm Doudou." 168. Zhao Benshan rode a donkey into town and happened to meet Fan Wei! Wei Fan asked, "Have you eaten?" Zhao Benshan said, "Eat!" Fan Wei proudly said, "I asked the donkey, what did you say!" " Zhao Benshan turned and fanned the donkey twice and scolded, "There are relatives in the city who don't say anything." .