A joke to comfort others.

1, cigarettes are often lit, which is not difficult or difficult; On the table, some people advised that public relations should tackle key problems; Play mahjong several times, a lot of friends; Flattery is unusual, and the cause will always move forward; Text messages are the most important and the best to remember. I wish you all the best!

I was sitting at the dance and a young man came up to me. My heart is pounding. "Do you want to dance?" He asked happily. "Yes," I said, "Great," he said. "Can I sit in your chair?"

You are hardworking, simple, dignified and generous, and never show off. You are brave and harmful to the people, and you have never tried. You are a friend of everyone and a friend of the peasant brothers. If you change your delusion that you want to eat swan meat, it will be perfect!

4. Go to grandma's house for hot pot in the evening. A sparerib was added to the dining table and accidentally dropped! Distressed, I asked my grandmother, "Grandma, did you mop the floor today?" Grandma said, "Yes, I mop the floor every morning." Then I put the ribs in my mouth with confidence. Then my grandmother said, "I won't pour water for your grandfather to soak his feet at night, but save it for mopping the floor in the morning."

5. Misunderstanding of beauty: the beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting emotional derailment; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

6. I love you! Because I dreamed last night that God said to me: Tell ten people who look like pig heads that I love you. Or you'll become a pig's head. Of course, your appearance ranks first, so I love you!

7. Passers-by asked the family all night. There was only one woman at home, leaning against the door and saying, "There's no one at home." Passerby: "Aren't you human?" Woman: "There are no men in my family." Passerby: "Am I not a man?"

8. I wanted to make instant noodles on the train and shook them with a seasoning bag. One of them accidentally flew out, and when I looked intently, a man full of paper spices turned around and said leisurely, girl, you want to hit on me.

9. May all your troubles in this life be killed and your sadness go up in smoke. Sorrow will find another job and pain will be washed away. Disappointment no longer comes, and sorrow no longer comes. World hand washing day, happiness is with you!

10, I went out that day and met a handsome little brother riding a cross-country motorcycle, which was very fast and heroic. I thought young people were really tough and a generation of heroes. Before I finished thinking about the ending, I saw the motorcycle being thrown away.

1 1. The Tang Priest was caught by the banshee and tied to the cave. The Tang Priest asked, "Where is the patroness?" The banshee stripped off her clothes and said, "You lick me." The Tang Priest said, "I'll do as you say." Tang Priest licked it and said, "Delicious!" The banshee showed her true colors and said, "I'm a chicken essence!" "

12, men, like rabbits, have feelings for grass beside their nests: even if they don't eat it, they don't want others to eat it.

13, luminescence is not the patent of the sun, gold can also be used, except pests are not the patent of frogs, pesticides can also be used, and mice are not the patent of cats, so can you. What are you waiting for? Hurry up!

14, really? Go to the roadside to buy pancakes. Hey? Auntie, this touch of broken green is like falling into a girl's eyes and spreading evenly in the sun, which is very refreshing. Refreshing your mind is excellent! If you have the heart to bake and suffer, you will be exhausted and anxious. Isn't it very disappointing? " Aunt: "Speak human words!" Hey? : "Don't put onions in pancakes!"

15, my boyfriend went to a wedding reception and suddenly the power went out. Everyone is worried that someone is stealing vegetables, so they suggest clapping their hands and singing. Clap your hands, electricity suddenly came. When you look at it, a person is slapping himself with one hand and slapping himself with the other.

16. A good man is a profound book, and the more you read it, the more fascinated you become. A good woman is the king's crystal clear spring water. The more you drink it, the more fragrant it becomes. A person is a car, not only can drive, but also can repair. A woman is a cup of tea. She not only wants to drink, but also tastes.

17, I always miss you especially these days. During the day, your figure occupied my mind; At night, you appeared in my dream. I think it's time for me to find you. I really miss you … roast duck!

18, I once went to a massage parlor and asked a sister paper to help me massage. As a result, the sister paper is not particularly good, and the pressure is uncomfortable. I am so angry! I turned to her and said, sister paper, lie down. Let me press it for you. What is massage? Then I pressed it for an hour. When I finally left, my sister praised me for my skill.

19, a young man went to the master to name his son. Youth: Master, I must give my son an English name and a Chinese name. My name is Lu. Master: Its name is Lu Youqi, and its English name is Wi-Fi.

20. Today, a bloody case happened on the expressway. A crouching man pushed down the door with a baseball bat. Just as everyone exclaimed, a snail was smashed into pieces with a bang, and his mouth was still chanting: "I have endured you for a long time, and it has been following me for two hours. TM dares to overtake now. "

2 1, my god, modern civilization, making a fool of yourself can make money, and it is not illegal, otherwise it will be sentenced to life. If it is necessary, the sentence will be 10,000 years, but I like it, and I will often go to the prison to see it!

22. I was bored at home yesterday and wanted to go out to play. My father asked me what I was doing out. I said ugly people should go out more. Dad replied, "Don't wash your dirty linen in public." It seems that I am too ugly to stay on the earth. Goodbye, friends. I'm going back to Mars.

23. Today, I decided to summon up the courage to confess my long-cherished goddess, so I gave my love letter to the classmate sitting behind her. After waiting quietly for half an hour, I still didn't see any movement of the goddess. I can't take it anymore! I rushed to her seat and said to her loudly: I like you for a long time! The goddess blushed, didn't come to answer me urgently, and was kicked out by the invigilator!

24. I met my junior in the canteen today and wanted to swipe his card, but she wouldn't let me. I immediately took my junior's meal card back and broke it. I left silently and hid all my merits and fame. Come on, junior! Senior can only help you here!

25, no matter how much money, it is just a string of numbers; If you have less money, you can see the essence of life; Life is alive, money is gone-tragedy; People are in heaven, money is in the bank-washing dishes; More money and less money is a way for God to hone the world!

26. I have such a girlfriend: if she tells me that she didn't eat, I will feel hungry.

27. After the military training, handsome men became migrant workers and beautiful women became cleaners. Adam didn't know Eve, nor did Weaver ever meet Cowherd. Love, life and career start here. I hope everyone will set sail and create the future sky together!

28. Who is the most pitiful person in the world? A: Artillery company cookhouse squad soldiers! Q: Why? A: Take the blame for wearing a green hat and watch others have sex.

29. Wedding, groom: Actually, after I fell in love with you, I loved many people. There was an uproar under the stage and the bride was shocked. Seeing this scene, the groom continued with satisfaction: Many people, including your parents, your family and your friends. The applause thundered. The bride paused and asked, Does it include my boudoir?

30. The dragonfly said, "The plane is designed according to my figure." The bat said, "What are you? Without my ultrasonic radar system, the plane will become a flying chicken. "

3 1, my Mr Right is a stunning beauty, and one day she will marry me on a fire-breathing dinosaur. However, at the end of the story, I only saw her mount, but I didn't see its owner.

32. A couple quarreled. Men can't beat women. He just lay on the ground and didn't move. The woman asked, What are you doing lying on the ground? The man replied: dead! The woman asked again, why are you still open when you are dead? The man replied: die unsatisfied! The woman asked again, then why are you still breathing? The man said: I can't swallow this tone!

33, the long road of life, who is not bad! Family to take care of, lovers to get along! There is a cook at home, a kind-hearted person outside, a nice table and a missing person in the distance! Keep two, keep one, develop three, four, five, six, seven!

34. Morning exchange meeting, theme: You fool me, I fool you; Lunch, theme: you get me drunk, I get you drunk; Afternoon commendation meeting, theme: you flatter me, I flatter you; Evening dance, theme: you hold me tight, I hold you tight; Late-night dating, theme: you have me and I have you.

The boss remembered that he didn't bring his passport at the airport, so he said to the driver, "Go back and see if my passport is in the right drawer." The driver came back an hour later: "The passport is still in the drawer."

36. One day, I told you that you were a pig, and you said: I am a pig. So I started calling you a pig. Finally, one day you can't help but announce loudly in front of everyone: I'm not a pig!

37. The young couple quarreled over a trifle. After the quarrel, the husband regretted it and let his wife watch two horses and a car outside. He said, "Why can't we go forward together like those two horses?" The wife said angrily, "We are not two horses, because one of us is a donkey!" " "

38. Last night, I went to the ATM to withdraw money. The ATM shows insufficient balance. "Shit, how come I have no money!" I turned around and saw the long queue behind me, kindly reminding them that they didn't line up if they had no money, and the people behind them were scattered. I went back and thought about it. Damn it, the balance in my card is insufficient.

39. Q: What makes a man pursue a woman who doesn't want to marry home? A: What makes dogs chase cars they don't want to drive? This is also the case.

40. A close friend has a new boyfriend. After dating for a while, his girlfriend said, "You lied to me. Your father is obviously a factory chef, but you say that more than 2,000 people depend on your father for food! " Her boyfriend said, "Yes, I live on my dad's cooking!" " "

4 1. A matchmaker took a girl on a blind date and saw a handsome guy in the distance. Q: Is that okay? Woman: Will he? He fell in love with you at first sight. Seeing a one-eyed man after marriage, I asked the matchmaker angrily. I said he has a crush on you!

42. My mother told her 5-year-old son the story of' Little tadpoles looking for their mothers'. After that, her mother happily asked her son what he thought. The son said angrily, "Mother Frog is really irresponsible. Let the children find it when they are so young! " Mom is speechless.

43. The landlord just returned to the apartment after work. I just had dinner. I go to the toilet and wash my face in the water room. Idiot colleague asked me with his eyes closed, why? Do you want to rinse your mouth after going to the toilet these days? I'll give you ten points. Rinse your mouth after going to the toilet. Your whole family gargles when they go to the toilet!

44. Dad was watching TV while smoking in the living room. He saw me coming back and handed me one. I just lit a cigarette when my father suddenly took a photo and sent it to a circle of friends: my son smoked at home, making the room smell of smoke and angry. Then he said to me: Your mother will be off work soon, and the smell of smoke at home will not go away for a while. Run!

45. The wolf said to Kotaro, "Wife, I'll catch the sheep for you." Kotaro glared at it and said, "Silly, what mutton is nothing to me? If you want to catch it, catch the information. This boy is popular to eat pork now! "

46. If you want to be happy all your life, do something! If you want to be happy for a while, be an official! To be happy alone, dream! If you want a happy family, cook! If you want to make a circle of people happy, be the host!

47. I never knew that parting would be so sad, missing so strongly, and loving you would make me so crazy. But I know in my heart: I only love you!

48. The child stole the parrot kept in the hospital. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot called, Move! Seeing his mother, he shouted: The boss has changed, too! Seeing his sister, he shouted, Miss has changed! Seeing his father, he shouted, I'm still an old customer!

49. Today, my brother asked me to buy tickets in Rongchang and Yangjiaping. I finally squeezed in. When I bought the ticket, I was a beauty. He asked me where to go. Me: Rongchang, I gave it to her 100. Beauty: Oh, a 49. Do you have a dollar? I: Yes. I happily gave her a piece, but now I seem to find something wrong in Rongchang.

50. Having dinner with friends in the evening, a child at the next table was watching Pleasant Goat with an iPad, with a loud voice. Not to be outdone, my friend picked up the phone and played the theme song of the old version of Water Margin! On the one hand, pleasant goat and beautiful goat, on the other hand, it's time to shoot.

5 1. I haven't seen you for a week. I miss you very much. I want to find you every time I get greedy. In my heart, you are very important. I'm willing to pay for it. Please come to my house to bake and fry. Oh, take it easy, I said pork!

52. Grass by the green river, fried eggplant with pepper, one dish is not enough, and a plate of shredded potatoes. The grass, tomatoes and cucumbers along the green river are all big vegetables, and an termites is added. These dishes are really good, really good.

53. Your characteristics: like a plate of jade with large and small pearls on your face, the height is different from a distance, and it is uneven from a close look, with two cakes in your eyes; A unkempt little boy looks like a fool; Your style: Confidence Brothers and Xifeng Group.

Judge: How did you steal Zhang's cow? Thief: I didn't steal it. Judge: How did this cow get to your house? Thief: I found a rope on my way home from the market that day. I took it home. When I came home, I found a cow on the rope.

55. Today is the birthday of the lucky boy. He must step on a piece of auspicious clouds, put on an auspicious aura and send wealth to the world with his treasure. Friends who want to get rich quickly look out the window! If you haven't found it yet, please read this secret code quickly: Ziggy is booming!

56. A lady went to take pictures. After the photo shoot, I'll get the auto-developed photos. After reading it, I exclaimed: Why do I look like a monkey? The woman in the back said coldly, that's mine. Yours has to wait.

57. The woman asked a fireman, "You must have made great efforts to save me from danger?" Fireman: "Yes, I beat off three firemen for this!" " "

58. A man can't find a girlfriend, so he can only tell his fortune. Fortune teller: You are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life. The man's eyes lit up: what about the second half? The fortune teller said: You will get used to it for the rest of your life.

59. Kaifeng Hyundai is really a failure, and it is sunny every day. Claiming to be militarized, smoking, drinking and fighting, the computer room also has a net belt, claiming that the network speed is not bad. You have to pay five yuan at a time. The school collects money really quickly.

60. Are you the one who fascinates me? I don't feel tired watching you all day. I don't need to blink. I will look at you and accompany you every day. I'm so happy! My favorite mobile phone!

6 1, m: "It really rained today." Woman: "Yes." Man: "That's because God is drooling over you." Woman: "So that gust of wind just now was God farting on you?"

62. There is a tacit understanding that I will be scolded by you; There is a kind of harmony, let me sit and you stand; There is a friendship that tells me to eat meat and you drink soup; There is a blessing that texting makes you happy.

63. Fortune teller: "Your daughter will definitely marry in the south in the future." Hearing this, the mother took her daughter away with a sullen face. The daughter was surprised and thought that her mother didn't like southerners. When I got home, my mother said, "This fortune teller is really unreliable. Does my daughter marry a woman without marrying a man? "

64. A puppy climbed onto your dining table and crawled towards a roast chicken. You are furious and say, if you dare to do anything to that roast chicken, I will dare to do anything to you. As a result, the dog licked the chicken and you fainted. The dog said, look who is cruel.

65. Wife: Husband, I have lost weight for two weeks. Do you think I have lost weight? Husband: I haven't eaten meat for two weeks. Can I not lose weight? Wife: Where did you lose weight? Husband pointed to his face: it's thin here!

66. Brick, also known as baner brick, is one of the most distinctive cultural heritages in old Beijing. They have many characteristics, such as strong lethality, portability and high concealment, and are not considered as weapons, so ... they are the most suitable for you!

67. A girl scolded her husband: You have changed, and you have valued your friends all your life. Is it true that when a man gets married, his brain will go wrong? The husband replied: No, men get married because they have brain problems.

68. Lai Changxing and Yang Yuying are walking by the sea. Lai pointed to a warship in the distance and said, the money I spent on you in recent years is enough to buy this warship. Yang Yuying said: "You can also sink this warship with the cannon you fired at me in recent years!" !

69. A beautiful woman found lipstick too heavy, wiped it with a wet tissue and threw it on the road. An old man picked it up, looked at it for a long time and suddenly woke up. He ran after him and said, Girl, your sanitary napkin has fallen out!

70. According to unreliable statistics, this comparison of greetings from friends who are 99% and 99% ahead of you is mainly because I often miss clearing my memory, starting from happiness and consolidating my friendship with blessings.

7 1. Would you like to give me your happiness once? I promise to feed you into a little fat pig with full love.

72. Daughter: "Mom, where did I come from?" Mom: "Baby, you came out of my stomach." Daughter: "Was I born or pulled out?"

73. I counted the cold stars, one point two point three; I counted the snowflakes, one, two, three; I counted the money, 12.30 cents; I counted the piglets. Hey, where's the other one? Oh, you're reading the text message!

74. On Valentine's Day, my long-awaited MM sent a message: "Come to my house, no one!" I ran away with excitement! I knocked on the door for more than an hour and found that there was really no one.

75. Xiao Li wants to immigrate to America. The leader asked him, "Are you dissatisfied with your salary?" Xiao Li said, "Satisfied." "Not satisfied with your house?" "Satisfied" and "dissatisfied with the Internet environment?" "Satisfied" and "dissatisfied with medical care and children's schooling?" "All satisfied!" "If you are satisfied, why do you want to immigrate?" "Because dissatisfaction is allowed!"

76. The poem "Zang Er" reads: "One bucket, one hat, one boat, one foot, one inch hook; Sing a song, drink a bottle of wine, and catch a river alone. " Boat, two oars; Hook, second ring; Wine, Erguotou; Autumn, eyes and eyes. I know your "two" best, so I'll give you a poem "Zang Er", you know. I wish you happiness.

77. You sail along the You Jiang in a canoe. The true colors and charming winds are songs. Right and wrong go with the wind, and it is difficult to rest after drinking. The bad column is full of bamboo drunkenness, and the play (egg) pill is full of leisure. Please look at the first word of each sentence and read it together.

78. In junior high school, a classmate always felt that his bike was slow. When he got home, he loosened the screws around the wheel with pliers, thinking it would be quick. The next day, during the exercise, the wheels flew out of the car at high speed.

79. Reporter: "What contribution does football make to physical exercise?" "No." The coach replied. Reporter: "Why?" "Twenty-two people who need rest are running hard on the field, while 40 thousand people who need exercise are sitting and watching."

80, dear, you have changed, become so strange, and you are no longer the familiar one in your memory! It breaks my heart to look at your strange face! How can I change from a cute tadpole to a toad?

8 1, healthy strings, firecrackers; Happiness is twisted into a rope, firmly wrapped around you; Happiness turns into colored paper and folds into a swan to fly; SMS ringtone sound, warm blessing to your home. Happy!

82. Where is your report card? "Father happily asked the children who had just returned from school." I lent it to Valenka to scare his parents! "

Angry passenger: conductor, didn't I give you 5 dollars to wake me up in Cleveland? God, no wonder your neighbor is so opposed to me letting him off there.

84. The baby gave his mother a flower and said, Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Excuse me, where am I from? Mother explained it for a long time from the moment she married her father. The baby was at a loss: the deskmate said he was from Beijing.

85. My cousin is over forty years old. Starting from the text, I failed in the exam for three years. Then I practiced martial arts, and as soon as I made a move in the martial arts field, I was fired from playing drums. Change the medicine, write the prescription, eat it, and die.

86. The person I love has been taken away, and the person who loves me is terrible, either becoming bad in debauchery or perverting in silence. -For Valentine's Day!

87. The weasel proposed to the little police dog, and everyone laughed: they are a flower of the security expert system, and you can count that. The weasel is angry! Tilt up, breathe out, and say to everyone: smell me? Laozi is a petrochemical system!

88. The same eyes have different opinions, the same ears have different listening methods, and the same heart has different ideas. The world can be a better place if you want to!

It's a coincidence to see the girl across the street wearing that dress. When the boss came over, he was furious and said, I said you are still a person. You don't do good things every day. What is there to see? Go out to work if you are worthless. When the landlord left, he turned around and saw the boss's telescope with a sly smile.

90.a goes to B's house every day. B's dog always barks at A several times at first, and then it stops barking at all. A: "Your dog is really sensible and recognizes people so quickly." B: "I've never introduced it to you. The main reason is that you come too often and the dog is too lazy to pay attention to you. "

9 1, A: Yesterday, I received a letter from a guy who said he would kill me if I didn't leave his wife. If you leave his wife, you are finished! A: But that guy didn't sign the letter!

92. When I went to work at noon today, I saw a man wearing the same clothes as me walking next to me. Then a sister came over and looked at us with strange eyes. Nothing seems to have happened to the man next to me. Later, I heard my sister laughing there. I just want to say, sister, wait, I really don't know him.

93. It is a happy thing to miss you! Loving you is what I will always do! Keeping you in mind is what I have been doing! However, lying to you is how to return a responsibility!

94. Northland scenery, thousands of miles of ice, Wan Li snow; Looking inside and outside the Great Wall, beautiful women are gentle and graceful, and millions of gentlemen line up to pick them; I shrink back and dare not answer. I am afraid of honesty and violence. Today, I want to find a beautiful girl to hug. Go hand in hand with life, children and grandchildren are full.

95. Chief: Hello, comrades! Soldier: Hello, sir! The chief patted a soldier's chest and said, how well this muscle is trained! Soldier: Sir, I'm a female soldier!

96. I just went to the market to buy a fish after work at noon. The proprietress called and said that she had something urgent to go on a business trip this afternoon. Told me to get the information ready and send it to her home. When I got home, I put the fish in the living room. She is packing on the second floor. I went upstairs to help for a while and suddenly remembered my fish. Just ask: proprietress, is there a cat down there? The proprietress said angrily, I hate it. I'll know when I'm on a business trip

97. A female colleague received a rose, looked at it for a long time, and suddenly asked me: Do you know what rose sauce did?

98. Flowers are similar from year to year, but people of different ages are different. It's almost your birthday. I wrote this short message with my heart, which embodies my most sincere wishes to you. Happy birthday! Happy forever!

99. Probably every girl will worry that she can't get married, but it doesn't matter, don't care about it. You just need to live your life with peace of mind, do what you like and become the person you like, and then, after a few years, you will find that what you are worried about is true.

100, the geographical coal is Fushun and the iron is Anshan. Coal is () and iron is (). Someone replied that coal is black and iron is hard.