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20 Classic Funny Sentences _ Laugh your belly off

1, a woman asked the master: You said I was so gentle, virtuous, young and beautiful, why didn't any men like me?

The master took a rope and tied it around the neck of a cow.

Woman: What the master means is that mine is mine, not mine. You can't pull it away with a rope, right?

Master: You know too much. I mean, are you gentle and beautiful? What are you talking to me about? !

The students in the class are arguing whether to have a boy or a girl.

Jane Doe: Women can't live without men, and men can't live without women.

A man: Just have an inflatable doll.

The boy has three legs. What about you girls? Really?

Jane Doyle: Show me if you can! Let me see!

3. A buddy in the dormitory just answered the phone: I have nude photos of your girlfriend!

Give me 10 thousand yuan quickly, or it will be made public!

After listening to it, my roommate silently shed tears: Hurry up and announce it. I also want to see what my girlfriend looks like. . .

At that time, in high school, everyone in the class was very naughty ... After discussion, the teacher came and called Lafayette Jixiang (female teacher) together. The teacher entered the room without shouting and the monitor got up. Lafayette is auspicious. The shouting was deafening ... Unexpectedly, three students who were late for smoking ran in and froze with the teacher. As soon as they saw it, they immediately put their cuffs together and shouted on one knee. Minister.

5. Wait for blood test results in the hospital. . . Absolute scene. .

A four-or five-year-old girl, pressed by her parents to draw blood, cried wildly: Aunt nurse, can I not have a needle, please!

The nurse said, no, little girl: I have nothing against you. Why are you doing this to me? . .

Everyone around you is sweating in the waterfall! ! !

A child born to a mother who watched Qiong Yao's drama can't stand being hurt.

6, go to my brother's house to play, my little niece is watching a costume drama, very happy.

When I left, my little niece told me that my uncle must come often!

Son, are you possessed? I am your uncle!

7. Walking with my boyfriend at school, I feel tired wearing high heels, so I find a bench to sit with him.

I took off my high heels and he took off his flip-flops.

I suddenly lost my mind, jumped up and ran away in his flip-flops.

I feel really comfortable, and the wind is blowing under my feet.

Suddenly class began, and the crowd filed out, staring at my boyfriend, who was five or three thick, sitting barefoot in a chair with a pair of high heels on the ground. .

9. I heard a conversation between two people on the subway today:

What a coincidence! We were all pregnant when we were young! Make a young marriage for your future children!

Well, if we all have boys, let them be gay;

If it is a girl, let them be lilies;

If it's a man and a woman, let them be brother and sister!

In an instant, my outlook on life was completely subverted!

10, when I was in college, I had a very good friend.

Once I had a slight cold and he accompanied me to see a doctor. The doctor diagnosed my illness briefly and asked me how much money I had with me.

I immediately reacted and said that I only brought ten pieces.

The idiot immediately patted his chest and said, don't be afraid, I just took 500.

I gave him a hard look, and he thought I didn't believe him, so he left 500 on the doctor's desk on the spot.

The last cold cost 200 yuan.

1 1. Today my girlfriend told me: I think you should find a beautiful, generous, gentle and kind girl who will take care of you.

I'm going to lose my rhythm when I hear this, so stop her quickly:

No, no matter how good others are, I only like you.

Hearing this, my girlfriend slapped her face and roared. Doesn't my mother have anything to do with these advantages?

12. On the subway, a beggar waved a paper cup of a famous chain tea shop to beg.

When he passed an old woman with a child, the old woman pointed at him and said to the child next to him, Look,

If you drink too much milk tea, you can only come out and beg, and you are not allowed to drink it in the future, do you hear? ! !

13. Little girls don't like it, and they often make adults suffer.

Once the little girl's mother had no choice but to scare her with chopsticks: if you don't eat, you will be beaten!

The little girl looked up and said, don't use oil head!

14, I came back yesterday and saw a couple quarreling.

Just curious about the past! Hear something I shouldn't hear in my life.

The man said. If you make any fucking noise again, I'll fuck you to death in the street today.

The woman said. You only have three seconds. One second in, one second out. Still trying to fuck me.

Sprinkle some millet at home and tell me when your chicken grows up.

Then the man slapped the woman and said.

Get out. Just like your sister.

15, singing blue and white porcelain in junior high school English class.

When I reached the climax: Teacher, where are you?

Come and get my cell phone.

I'll take it in my hand and not give it to you.

If you dare to rob me.

It hurts to hit the penis.

Then the teacher heard it!

16, I heard it from my friend yesterday.

He said that someone in the forum asked a question, saying that if you go bungee jumping and find the rope broken halfway,

If you could only shout two words, what would you shout?

A lot of replies, mostly for shit. What other profiteers, mom, mom and so on,

And I was completely shocked to see a big brother's reply. Big brother returned to the word transformation! ! !

17, tell a story in high school, when I was in chemistry class and talked about the pH value. I don't know how to associate it, so I asked the deskmate: Is semen acidic or alkaline? He replied: alkaline! I asked why? He said with endless aftertaste: Because it tastes a little salty! I was sweating profusely, and soon, the whole class knew! I wonder if he is all right now.

18. Take 100 yuan in the morning and go to the newsstand to buy mineral water change.

Aunt at the newsstand said that she had just opened the door and could not open it. I thought about it. Do you have two 50-dollar tickets?

Aunt said, yes.

I said, OK, then you can change it into two 50 yuan ones first, and then I can use this 50 yuan to buy water, so you can change it, right?

Aunt smiled. I should have done it earlier. I can change 50 yuan.

19, just married soon, my best friend and daughter-in-law went shopping on weekends and went home for dinner by themselves. I was having dinner when I called.

Hey, kid, it's your dad.

I'm furious, grandson! Who are you kidding? My dad eats in front of me! Shit!

Hang up the phone angrily and continue to eat.

After a while, my dad said, could it be your father-in-law?

M: I like you. Can you be my girlfriend?

W: But I already have a boyfriend.

M: That's all right. I can wait.

W: You don't have to wait. I won't be sorry for my boyfriend.

M: What if my boyfriend likes others?

Woman: No way. He is not interested in other women.

M: I know, but he is very interested in me recently.

Interesting jingles break your stomach.

Funny jingle 1. Fate is responsible for shuffling cards, but it is ourselves who play cards!

2. My life is limited, and my food is limited ~ ~ ~

I remember one day shortly after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a short message: Let's break up! Before I could feel sad, my girlfriend sent another message: I'm sorry, I sent it wrong. This would be completely sad.

4. Yes

Occasionally, you will feel that it is cool to live in silence, but it is miserable to live in silence.

6. Take off my clothes, I am an animal. Put on my clothes, I am the devil wears Prada!

7. When men cheat, their IQ is second only to Einstein!

8. You hang out, your wife will change sooner or later!

9. I really don't understand that girls buy a lot of beautiful clothes to attract boys' attention, but boys want to see girls who don't wear clothes.

10. When I was a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. When I grow up, I find that the whole world can't save me.

1 1. Roses, chocolates and diamonds are for you. You, mine!

12. In order to avoid domestic violence, I decided not to get married!

13. Someone in the dormitory drank someone else's boiled water, which made him jump up and shout, damn it, it was too hot for pigs to stand.

14. If you see a shadow in front, don't be afraid, it's because there is sunshine behind!

15. You can live like a pig, but you can never be as happy as a pig!

16. Why do you cover your face with your ass?

17. Son of a bitch, we still have a lot to do in this life. Don't waste your time playing hide-and-seek with me, just jump out ~ ~ ~

18. A dinosaur went to the toilet when passing by Xi Jiaotong University. After coming out, she sobbed, I finally have no trouble getting married in my life.

19. I hate it. I don't eat fried noodles. I got hepatitis and went to the hospital. Golden hooked nose, toad's mouth, tiger's eyes, pig's ass and a pair of bowlegged legs.

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror. In old age, mirrors are flat.

2 1. You came to me, grinning, and stole my two cents. My two cents have been saved for 800 years. Oh, you are shameless.

22. Take your advice and leave me ten books!

23. Two farmers boasted that the chickens on our farm ate all tea leaves and laid all tea eggs. Yes, our farm gives chickens wallets to lay poached eggs.

24. Men have gold under their knees. I cut off my whole leg and didn't even find a copper coin!

25. If happiness is a cloud and pain is like a star. At that time, my life was really cloudless and starry in Wan Li.

26. Scholars play dead for their confidants, while women have plastic surgery for those who please themselves.

27. Effect of contraception: If you don't succeed, you will become an adult.

28. I remember a buddy in our dormitory grabbed someone else's buns and said while eating: This stuff is only suitable for stuffing your ass.

29. When a mouse gets angry, everyone is a sick cat.

30. It looks like a piece of shit pulled by my grandfather's pig next door, dried and fried, and then hid it for seven years before taking it out with long hair!

3 1. The unfairness of this world lies in: God said: I want light! So there was this day. The beauty said: I want a diamond ring! So she bought a diamond ring. The rich man said: I want a woman! So he had a woman. I said:

32. I want to take a bath! I cann't believe the water stopped!

33. We have some differences: she wants me to turn dung into gold, and I want her to treat gold as dung.

34. How much sadness can you have? Like a bunch of eunuchs going to a brothel.

35. Life is the mouth of Song Like Zude, and you never know who will be unlucky next ~ ~ ~

If one day I become a hooligan, please tell others that I am innocent.

37. Looking at beautiful women in the street is appreciation if you look up, and hooligans if you look down.

38. You look so promising that the pigs are alive!

39. My cousin is over forty years old. Starting from the text, I failed in the exam for three years. Then I practiced martial arts, and as soon as I made a move in the martial arts field, I was fired from playing drums. Change the medicine, write the prescription, eat it, and die.

40. I remember the primary school teacher scolding me: I slapped you! I wanted to laugh at that time, but I was afraid to laugh. Now, I dare to laugh, but I can't.

4 1. The reason why my girlfriend doesn't become a monk is that she didn't pass CET-4 and won't accept it in buddhist nun.

42. If you can't dress your woman in a wedding dress, don't stop you from unbuttoning her clothes!

43. Loneliness is a person's carnival, and carnival is the loneliness of a group of people.

44. It is forbidden to urinate here, and tools will be confiscated.

45. 18 years old appeared, 18 years old made progress every day. Dream big at the age of 20 and work hard at the age of 20. Years old is basically oriented, and years old is popular everywhere. 18 years old playing mahjong, 18 years old wandering around. Lesbians are always at home and are still hanging on the wall at the age of 20!

46. You can't have two tigers in one mountain unless there is a male and a female.

47. Boys and girls are endless scholars! First love, passionate love, extramarital love, reluctant to part!

Laugh your belly out. Super funny classic quotations

1, vulgarity is a breakthrough, especially when elegance and nobility do not work.

2. Dwelling in a humble abode, being timid and angry.

Don't always call me an animal. Get to know me better and you will know that I am worse than an animal.

4, eyebrows are cold and ashamed of adulterers, and loose soil is sweeter than skirts.

Recently, I have been under great pressure, and eating Wangwang ice cream is worse than others.

6, cow dung is cow dung, even if you are fragrant, flowers will generally not be inserted in you, because that will insult the aesthetic feeling.

7. Niu B is an ordinary person and Niu Organ is a scholar.

8. Why do we all give darkness to the devil? Because they are brave and not afraid of the dark.

Lying is a man's privilege and being cheated is a woman's patent.

10, I don't like her, I like my script, but my script is that I love her deeply.

1 1. When you chase the prince charming in your heart, the frog waiting for you is actually a prince and will be caught.

12, if something happens, don't let your feelings sow at will, or they will take root and sprout. If you want to pull, you have to toss and turn. I can't pull if I want to.

13, the feelings of two people, if only one person tries to mix honey, then in the end, it will only turn another bee into a fly.

14, drunken friends are fools, and loved ones know fools.

15, the reason why you can't hold sand is because you choose a sieve for flour, which is too thin. I can stand you because I used a net to catch big fish and let all the small fish slip by.

16, the lost happiness is the chrysanthemum on your ass, and it is often only when you have diarrhea that you think it is particularly brilliant.

17, ugliness is not your fault, nor is stupidity your fault, but showing ugliness and stupidity incisively and vividly cannot be used to show off your great achievements, so be modest.

18, you are very kind, especially when you are sad.

19. Feelings are like buying stocks and choosing junk stocks. If you lose money, it doesn't matter. The key is to learn to stop loss, but what you are most afraid of is not admitting the failure of your eyes, just holding it, waiting for the rebound, waiting and waiting until the flowers have thanked you several times.

20, with a brilliant facade, reveals the essence of dress B.

2 1, women wear makeup masks and men wear moral masks.

22. Those conceited people will crow among the cranes forever.

23. What is irony? Ironically, even if you are willing to be someone else's toilet paper, people still think your paper is soft, dirty your fingers, and hard, hurting your ass.

24. Don't always say that the mud on the wall can't be turned over, because even if you are concrete and no one turns it over with you, you still have to be on the ground and someone turns it over. No matter how bad the mud is, it will still stick to the wall

Think of your boss as a baby and then think of yourself as a breast. Give yourself a little more pressure and squeeze out a little milk, because the baby doesn't know how to appreciate the breasts that can't produce milk yet.

26. Clothes make the man, and gold depends on Buddha. But the essence is still the essence, just like you, whether it is Li Ning or Adidas, it is impossible or not.

27. One must fall in love at first sight at least once in one's life. It seems that I have made many people live this life.

28. It is said that beauty matches the beast, so I will be a beast for a while.

29, people who want to bubble can't bubble, then at most one plan is ruined; The person who wants to be soaked is soaked in formalin, which is called bleeding.

30. As the saying goes, brothers are like brothers and women are like clothes, which is quite valuable for reference, but reality has added some elements of the times to it. Now, brothers are like artificial limbs, and women are like underwear. People can be one-armed men, but they can't see people naked.

3 1, the film can be a story without a director; The story has no screenwriter, but it's nothing. Therefore, you should at least be a screenwriter in your life, and strive to develop a director if you want to be wonderful.

32. I think you are a professional weaver, specializing in catching penguins.

33. Are you a frog in the well, or did you not even run to the well?

Life always likes to throw me as a tug-of-war between angels and demons. To get back at them, I decided to make a straw rope, break it, and then they all rolled away.

35. Most people won't say I'm handsome, but generally just say I'm domineering.

36. I believe that it is a pity that Raytheon can't touch you when you go out in the rain.

37. There was once a woman who wanted to change me. As a result, she only dismantled my parts and never put them on me again.

38. Romance can never be valued, otherwise I would have been worth millions.

39. Going out for a walk doesn't suit me. My biggest wish is to sit in front of the computer and meditate on Sunday.

40, people do not YY waste teenagers! No, the cat is not feeling well!

4 1, alive, just to leap forward.

Even though I am very young, I am still great when I try to live for myself, but I don't know the size of greatness.

43. It's not that my happiness must be based on your pain, but that you should let your pain make me happy.

22 funny classic quotations _ absolutely laugh off your belly

1. After dinner in the evening, I waited anxiously in the dormitory. After a while, someone knocked at the dormitory door.

I was a little brain-dead from hunger. I shouted, "Is that you?" ?

I just heard a long voice from outside. Yes, it's me.

Dear deliveryman, don't be so cute!

2. It seems that I am too young to watch others practice driving and pass cigarettes to the coach, talking and laughing.

I only have a pack of facial tissues in my pocket, so I took out one and handed it to the coach: wipe my mouth after smoking.

People have different opinions about me. .

In the morning, the mother came into the room to wake her son: it's time for him to go to school.

Why? Mom! I don't want to go.

Give two reasons why you don't want to go.

Well, the children don't like me and the teacher doesn't like me.

So ... there's no reason not to go to school anyway

Mom! Then give me two reasons why I must go to school.

All right! First, you are 52 years old! Second, you are the principal.

4, heart jam, menstruation elder sister began to ask me why I didn't bring my girlfriend back from time to time, and asked me when I would get married.

I was forced to do nothing, saying various reasons, such as being young, wanting to play, being too busy at work, not buying a house in Beijing, being too poor and so on.

If they don't let go, I'll say I'm gay

They replied with one voice: impossible! Didn't you say that gays are handsome?

5, female colleague, 140 kg. Dance slowly with the square dance aunts every night.

Yesterday, I was dragged to see. Then someone asked me how I looked.

I said: I think you dance like a cygnet drum washing machine

6. Just now, I suddenly found out that my dog Xiaohei is a dog and was about to sit down and eat a hamburger bought by McDonald's.

Blackie suddenly shouted at the window, as if a stranger had entered the yard.

I went out to look, but I didn't see anyone. When I came back,

I found that blackie and hamburger were gone. .....

7. I wore a Rolex to highlight my identity at the class reunion. Just when I was worried about how to display it, a classmate suddenly asked what time it was.

I was overjoyed, calmly took out my mobile phone and dialed:

Manager Wang? I am a customer who bought a Rolex from you.

Right, right, right, gold watch, I want to ask, what time is it?

8. Today, my friend drove me home and habitually lit a cigarette after getting on the bus.

My friend pinched off my cigarette and said, don't smoke in the car, it will smell like smoke.

I slapped it down, and the battery car smelled like your sister's smoke!

9. I was about to take the exam for the second time. I was worried that I couldn't pass, so I prepared something and found the coach: coach, take this thing for tea.

Go away! Who do you take me for?

The coach turned me down,

By the way, I threw the bottle cap of iced black tea that said "one more bottle" in the trash can.

10, my daughter-in-law didn't go to work today, and she was in a very good mood and considerate when she went back at noon.

According to her routine, she must want something, but since she didn't say a word,

Just when I was surprised, I walked out of the balcony and saw my big winter coat there gorgeous and cool.

My mood suddenly fell to the bottom, brothers. I hid 3k ocean in my winter coat.

Forget it, see if the one behind the refrigerator is still there!

1 1, back to the familiar classroom, stroking the former desk, looking at the familiar teacher and doing the familiar papers.

I know I failed again.

12, I told my mother that when my grandmother was young, she was recognized as the first beauty in the city.

So I asked with emotion and doubt: brag, was grandma really so beautiful before?

My mother proudly said, of course! That's my mother. You think it's your mother!

13, is there anything worse than a girlfriend leaking air?

Yes, it's just that my boyfriend is leaking electricity. It's really hard.

14, I went to the supermarket in the community late last night, probably because several people in the front row were holding durex.

Only I am holding a roll of paper,

The cashier sighed at the fucking cashier!

Sigh your MB!

15. Today, my friend drove me home. After getting on the bus, I habitually lit a cigarette, and my friend cut off my cigarette.

One sentence: don't smoke in the car, it will smell like smoke.

I slapped it down, and the battery car smelled like your sister's smoke!

16, a boy and a girl are dating in a coffee shop. The boy hurried for salt.

The girl asked him why, and the boy said, I'm afraid you will ask me if I have a car in the future. I have no salt to answer.

17, walking with my new boyfriend at night, I suddenly saw two dogs having sex.

After reading it for a while, he blushed and asked me, do you have the same idea now?

I quickly explained: no, no, no, I'm not interested in male dogs!

18, I went out for a snack with my girlfriend one night, and when I came home, I met four hooligans to rob me.

I returned without saying anything 10 meter, and my girlfriend didn't move.

Rogue said to me: Yo, drink, meet a timid guy.

I said: Do you want me to hit you? My girlfriend has a black belt! ) At that time, I took out my mobile phone to take pictures!

This is why I am obedient to my girlfriend!

19, I was about to take the exam for the second time. I was worried that I couldn't pass, so I prepared something and found the coach: coach, take this thing to have tea.

Go away! Who do you take me for?

The coach turned me down,

By the way, I threw the bottle cap of iced black tea that said "one more bottle" in the trash can.

20. Once waiting for the traffic lights, there were many people on both sides. I see 30 seconds left.

I thought of the online LOL sentence again, and drew a sentence in my mind: The enemy still has 30 seconds to reach the battlefield!

Crush them!

Everyone next to me is drunk and ashamed. I am a sister!

2 1, dude, are you still wearing your jeans?

This is popular now, you know?

I looked at the chrysanthemum he leaked out and lost in thought.

22. Mentality is very important. Negative people only screw things up.

Once he has a positive attitude, he can happily screw things up.