Father-in-law had an accident and died! How can I comfort my wife?

A woman is the most vulnerable in tears, which is why she needs comfort. Comfort is an art, and sometimes one word and one action is enough.

The act of comforting people should make her feel your concern and support for her, and make her feel a sense of belonging and security. For example, give each other a deep hug and touch each other's head.

Comfort words should be incisive and concise. In particular, we should do what we can, speak according to what happened, and prescribe the right medicine. Don't be too wordy.

Of course, sometimes you have to do both.

Sometimes, you just need to be her audience, which is also a comfort.

Give others different ways of comfort according to different things. The way of comfort is discussed, but also depends on what it is.

comfortable

When others need support, or help, they often don't mean it, or beat around the bush, and after all, they don't get to the point. How to open a "heartfelt" deep dialogue? Instead of just "racking their brains" in superficial conversations? How to integrate body, mind and spirit and have the most effective dialogue in a natural posture?

It refers to putting yourself in the conversation, so that the helper can get moderate relief, and then naturally achieve the "therapeutic effect."

How to comfort others

With the growth of age and the change of the world, we often encounter the dilemma of hesitation and incomprehension. A friend called to tell you that he was unemployed; A colleague's examination report came out, confirming that he had cancer; College students are experiencing marital changes and preparing for divorce; My best friend's mother has Alzheimer's disease; My father-in-law died suddenly and my wife regretted not seeing her for the last time.

What can you do in the face of these pains or embarrassments? Should I help? How to help is effective? To what extent should we help? And when a friend cries speechless, how to contain his inner anxiety and doubt, listen wholeheartedly, and appease his pain and anxiety? And when you encounter difficulties and are on the verge of despair, how to ask for help in time? Are we capable of accepting help from others? ..........

I found that the principle of 10 is also applicable to other occasions, especially as a consultant.

For many people, it is very painful to witness the pain and anxiety of others. We often want to solve it quickly, take some actions or try to provide immediate relief. Some people prefer not to say anything to avoid saying the wrong thing and missing the opportunity to express their concern. We have many different "conversations" with different people every day. We may do exercises in our minds in advance, or say whatever comes to mind. When others need support, or help, they often don't mean it, or beat around the bush, and after all, they don't get to the point. How to open a "heartfelt" deep dialogue? Instead of just "racking their brains" in superficial conversations? How to integrate body, mind and spirit and have the most effective dialogue in a natural posture?

Nancy Gelmartin, the author of Healing Dialogue, provided the principle of 10 "therapeutic dialogue", how to bridge the gap in interpersonal communication and express concern timely and appropriately. The so-called "therapeutic dialogue" refers to putting yourself in the other's shoes, so that the help-seekers can get moderate relief, and then naturally achieve the "therapeutic effect." When you are not sure what to say. ""What do you say? ",this book can provide many practical references.

10 dialogue on therapeutic principles:

1. Listening is not keeping silent, but listening carefully to what the other person said, what he didn't say, and what he really meant. Listening doesn't mean talking or asking questions; Usually we are eager to share our stories or ask each other questions, thinking that this is the gesture we should listen to. However, the so-called listening should be to listen to each other's voice with eyes, ears and heart, and at the same time, we are not in a hurry to know the cause and effect of the matter immediately. We must be willing to let go of our "inner dialogue" for a while. The so-called "inner dialogue" refers to the unconscious dialogue in your mind when you are listening, including thinking about what to say, how to respond to each other's words, or planning the next topic.

pause

Between conversations, sometimes I speak and sometimes I listen; When you hear "I don't understand …" in your mind, it's time to stop and ask the other person "Did I miss something? We must also remind ourselves to slow down the unconscious mechanical reaction. For example, we want to solve each other's anxiety quickly, so without positive thinking, we will jump directly to the stage of taking action-saying or doing something that we think is beneficial to each other.

Stopping to think leisurely can make us stop judging, stop reacting and have curiosity. In this way, it is helpful to show empathy at important moments. If you don't make such a pause, you may say something in an instant that you will regret later. Pause is like a clutch used when driving to shift gears: first slow down to a certain extent, then fasten the gear and then accelerate.

The art of comfort lies in "saying the right thing at the right time" and "not saying the wrong thing on impulse".

3. Be a friend, not a hero

Helping others through difficult times is not the same as "saving" them from painful situations. People have the right and responsibility to bear the consequences and difficulties of their actions. We should recognize their pain, let them feel it, and don't try to disperse it quickly. We are just trying to provide them with a bridge across the river of fear.

When friends and family are in emotional or physical pain, the most basic way to support them is to allow them to cry. In the face of a person who loves to cry, the most natural reaction of people is to hope that the other person will stop crying and say to him, "Don't cry, things will be solved safely!" " ! In fact, this is not the most appropriate response. When the other person sobs or tears, we usually feel uneasy about our helplessness. However, crying is a way for the human body to try to expel emotional toxins, while tears are a healing process. So, please don't give the tissue to the other person in a hurry, just let him know that you support his mind.

Give comfort

Giving comfort is not telling others "You should feel …" or "You shouldn't feel …". People have the right to keep their true feelings. Comfort means: don't judge them, don't think they are suffering and need help; Comfort means giving them space to be themselves and identify with their feelings. We don't need to "agree or disagree" with their choices or the way to deal with difficulties to express our concern.

sympathize with

When we are busy helping others, we may forget that people will notice the fluctuations in our hearts-thoughts and feelings that are not spoken. Although people can't know exactly what we think, we can usually detect whether we are panicking, judging them or feeling sorry for them. Comfort others face to face has a lot to do with our inner state. Because of their empathy, we should not only share each other's pain, but also endure our own inner suffering. No matter what the situation, a kind look and comfort are gifts for each other.

Wait a long time

Change will bring a lot of confusion. No one can quickly correct such a chaotic situation. People need time to adjust, review, change and ask themselves, "What if? "question. In the "therapeutic conversation", we learn to accept the fact that our family, colleagues or neighbors sometimes just need us to be their "ringing box" and spare no effort to use it again and again.

Stand up bravely

No matter what situation you are in, it doesn't hurt to feel embarrassed about not knowing what to say; It won't hurt to let the people we want to help know how we feel. You can even honestly say, "I don't know how you feel or what I should say, but I really care about you." Even if you think this expression is ridiculous, you can let the other person know that you are not in a hurry to talk to him now. You can choose to express your feelings and thoughts in words. In addition to oral expression, there are many different forms of "therapeutic dialogue".

8. Provide practical resources

You don't need to help others find the answers to all the questions, but you can try your best to provide available resources-other friends, experts, friends of friends, to help them find the answers. You can call each other a few times to connect people; You can also find relevant books to show them; Or simply provide an escape space for them to find their own answers calmly.

9. Put yourself in the other's shoes and take the initiative to help

When we ask, "Is there anything I can do? Sometimes I have an answer, and sometimes I don't know what kind of help I need. However, people sometimes can't tell their real needs. Putting yourself in others' shoes is the first step to help others effectively.

10. Make good use of empathy

Even after similar experiences, we can't fully understand the feelings of others, but we can make good use of empathy to care for each other. Remember to listen to other people's stories patiently before considering whether it is necessary to share yours? And is the result of sharing beneficial to each other?