Looking for the funniest joke

Good news! ! ! After more than two years of hard reconnaissance by the FBI, people finally concluded that bin Laden was hiding in China! The following is a sentence that they hear repeatedly at 10 every night: "Turn on the light and sleep!" "

At the banquet for the successful launch of Shenzhou IV, a rocket expert enthusiastically announced to his friend: "Recently, we will send some mice to the distant moon first with Shenzhou 5." After saying his word, a lady interjected, "Is it a waste of money to kill mice like this?" Everyone: ...

American soldiers received a reward order from Bush: if an Iraqi soldier is caught, he will get100000 dollars! So Michelle and Yuri began to search near Baghdad. After several days of hard work, they were exhausted and fell asleep on the ground. When Michelle woke up, she found that they were surrounded by more than 500 armed Saddam Republican Guards. He quickly woke Yuri up and shouted, "get up, we're going to be rich!" " "

A group of girls were taking a bath by the river when a strange man burst in. Q: Where do you want them to cover first? -Cover your face first, because only your face looks different. :)

Terror words were found in junior middle school children's English textbooks: Dad died-bus, grandpa died-yes, brother died-girl, sister died-Miss ... (Do you still learn English? )

Part one: red rice and pumpkin soup, a wife and a group of children; Bottom line: boiled rice and tortoise soup, a child and a wife; Horizontal batch: Today is not what it used to be.

The so-called "pointing to the belly for marriage" means ... pointing to your girlfriend's belly and saying to your parents, "Dad, Mom, we're getting married ..." ~

The "one center, two basic points" of online men: the personal situation centered on soaking up MM is basically shameless and basically untrue.

The "four basic principles" of men on the internet: insist on asking about gender, age, marriage history and region.

Australian residents still don't have a clear sense of belonging, because they don't know whether they live on the smallest continent or the largest island on earth.

Friends are like brothers, women are like clothes, but I see people without arms and legs in the street every day, that is, I have never seen anyone without clothes ~

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Youth is a beautiful morning glow, love is a flower in a vase, family is a temporary warmth, and the grave is a permanent hometown. (The last sentence is the most classic)

Interview with a writer: "What kind of novel do you want to write most when you are in love?" "love." -"What about before marriage?" "Literature and Art" "What about after marriage?" "horror novel!"

"Do you believe the sentence" Love is eternal "? ""Of course I do, but only if husband and wife change frequently. "

Mobile phone code: the rich can flip the lid, the poor can flip the lid, and the poor can't cover it.

Sick child: "Mom, why does the aunt who sent the medicine wear a mask?" Mom: "Because the medicine my aunt gave you is delicious, the dean is afraid that they will steal it!" " Sick child: "Oh, so those uncles with scalpels wear masks because they are afraid of eating, right?" " !"

A beautiful woman is wearing a coat with the word "99" printed on her chest. The foreigner wanted to praise her, but he forgot how to say "9" in Chinese. So the foreigner said to the lady, "Miss, your two nines are really beautiful! "

Two white men said to the black man who wanted to eat chicken, "We will treat you like you treat this chicken!" " "The black man was shocked and immediately kissed the chicken's ass.

A woman took a bus and saw a seat, but it was too dirty. After wiping with paper, she stopped farting as soon as she sat down A passenger heard the sound and said, "Hey, I just love cleanliness. Have to blow after wiping ... "

During the lecture, a female teacher's jeans zipped open. When a girl saw it, she immediately stood up and reminded: "Teacher, your door is not closed properly!" " The teacher waved and said, "Never mind, the dean will visit later!" " "

"The defendant! Why did you throw two glasses at the plaintiff? " "Because the first cup missed him."

The postman had to row across the dense rainforest to deliver letters to the radio station administrator, so he was very unhappy. "If you mumble again," said the librarian, "I will subscribe to the daily newspaper! ! ! "

On the beach, many young girls are wandering around in Microsoft advertising shirts. I saw "pentium inside" printed on the chest of the advertising shirt and "plus andplay" printed on the shorts.

The old farmer visited the orchard and found a child climbing the apple tree and stealing apples. "Bunny, dare to steal apples and see if I don't tell your father!" At this time, the child looked up and shouted, "Dad, someone wants to talk to you!" " "

A young man wrote more than 700 love letters to his beloved girlfriend for two years in a row. As a result, his girlfriend finally announced that she was getting married! But the groom is the postman who sends her letters every day! ! !

One day, Mr. Shen wrote to Mr. Xiong. I forgot four points under the word "bear" and wrote "Mr. Neng." Mr. Xiong looked angry and annoyed. He wrote a reply, deliberately mistyped Mr. Shen as "your husband" and said, "If you cut off my four hooves, I will cut off your tail.

A European tourist is looking for the zipper of sportswear in a shop in Tokyo. He made a long gesture to a salesgirl. Finally, the salesgirl understood and took out a sword for caesarean section and put it on the counter. ...

The soldier asked the company commander, "What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle?" The company commander was greatly annoyed after hearing this: "Shit, what else can I do?" I stepped on the compensation at the price! "

An old lady loved playing mahjong before her death, but after her death, her children proposed to send mahjong with her. A lady is very worried: what if she calls us because she is short of hands?

In the physical health class, the teacher showed a slide of male genitalia, and the girls screamed with fear. After the teacher saw it, he quickly comforted: "Don't be afraid, it's really not that big!" ……

There was a mystery play in the theater, when suddenly someone in the audience stood up and shouted, "Where on earth is the murderer?" Get to know it quickly! "A man shouted behind him," if you don't sit down, the murderer is behind you! "! !"

A very devout Christian unfortunately got lost while exploring the African jungle. A lion found him and began to chase him. He ran as hard as he could, and finally escaped to a tree. But the lion didn't want to give up his prey, so he waited under the tree. It was dark, and he was hungry and thirsty, so he began to pray to God: "God! Please turn this man-eating lion into a Christian! " Later, I heard the lion under the tree open his mouth and say, "Dear God, thank you for a wonderful dinner!" " "

A salesman who has been walking on the railway for many years is complaining that the train is often late, and suddenly the train arrives on time, which makes him very surprised! He immediately found the conductor: "I want to propose a cigar to you, because I have been walking back and forth on this road for fifteen years, and this is the first time I got on the train on time!" " The conductor said seriously, "Please take back your cigar, it was yesterday's train!" " "

A tourist said to the female tour guide, "You showed me the scenery of Beijing and helped me a lot. I want to give you some gifts. What do you like best? " The female tour guide is greedy, but it is not convenient to make it clear. She stammered, "I like dressing up, um ... give me something to use on my ears, fingers or neck." The next day, the tourists brought a gift-a bar of soap!

In the college philosophy exam, there is a question: "If this is a question, please answer it." One student wrote succinctly: "If this is the answer, please grade it." As a result, he achieved excellent results.

Doctor: "Is there a problem?" Patient: "It hurts especially when breathing." Doctor: "Well, I'll make you stop breathing ..."

Two journalists were sent to Alaska to take photos of the scenery. They found a bear fishing and eating, so they kept taking this wonderful shot. Suddenly, the bear found them and rushed at them. Two reporters found that the situation was not good. One of them shouted anxiously, "George, what shall we do?" "I don't know, but one of us will definitely be on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper!"

In the composition class, the teacher asked each student to describe his appearance in the simplest sentences. A classmate with acne all over his face wrote: "One wave is not flat, and another wave rises!"

The English teacher said to the students before class, "No one is allowed to speak Arabic in my class." The students are really well-behaved and never use Arabic. But the class was almost over, and a student couldn't help laughing. The classmate next to him raised his hand and said, "Teacher, he smiled in Arabic."

Bug: "Xiaohua, did you use my pencil?" Xiaohua: "It's no use." Bug: "Are you really useless?" Xiaohua: "I am really useless!" " "Bug:" Alas, you are the first 17 person to admit that you are useless. "

Bug: "Do you have a ruler?" Everyday: "no" Bug: "shameless (no ruler) person, hehe ~ ~ ~ ~"

Bug: "Fang, this flower is for you." A Fang: "Bug, you are really a gentleman. I once had a classmate-like feeling with you. I didn't expect you to send me flowers ... What do you want to say to me? Never mind, go! " Bug: "I want to say-I wish you a happy Tomb-Sweeping Day!"

Bug: "The biggest sorrow in a person's life is that he doesn't even know that he is a handsome boy." ... I'm so sad! Jun Jun: "Do you know what' self-knowledge' means?" Bug: Yes, it's the one you need most! " "

Xiaohua: "Bug, when you die, I will buy you a huge wreath." Bug: "Thank you. How much will that cost? " Xiaohua: "As long as you die, I will spend any money." Bug:“。 . 。” . Xiaohua: "What, are you speechless?" Bug: "No, I was thinking, how many customers do you have to pick up to get the wreath?" ……

Niu Niu: "Bug, I want to scold you!" " "Bug:" ... "Niu Niu:" Are you afraid? Bug handed me a piece of paper, which said, "I don't talk to three kinds of people-bitches, idiots and fat people." Sorry, all three of you!

Mrs. Manson said to her daughter, "Jenny, you often eat it raw." How can you get married? " Jenny: "That can only wait until the uncooked rice is ripe."

When someone was traveling to Jingyanggang, he came to the hotel at the foot of the mountain and asked the waiter, "When do tigers usually appear on the mountain?" The waiter replied, "Usually, after you drink 18 bowls of wine in our store, the tiger will appear."

"Your face became red and round after the holiday. Maybe you ate well? " "No, my rubber mattress always leaks. I play it several times a day ... "

In the theater, an angry lady turned to several chattering girls and said, "Do you mind if I watch a play?" A girl replied, "then, you are looking in the wrong direction!" " "

A college student said to his girlfriend, "Yesterday, I went to the school cinema to see a movie. Shortly after the performance began, the power went out suddenly. We waited in the dark for more than ten minutes ... ""There was no panic in the cinema? " "Of course I panicked, but just then the phone came ..."

"What's the matter with you?" The ophthalmologist asked a teenager with long hair. "Doctor, I have poor eyesight." "Yes, I can't see your eyes at all. Tell you what, go to the barber shop and register, and then come to me. "

A man has a dog. He often barks at night, which makes him unable to sleep. The vet looked at it and said, "His ears hurt. Let him take this medicine. " The man asked the dog to take medicine, but the dog still barked at night. He went to see the vet again. "I'll give you three more pills," said the vet. "One for the dog and the other two for yourself. In this way, one of you and the dog will fall asleep. "

Jack and many soldiers marched in the military parade. When passing through the reviewing stand, his mother shouted, "There are so many soldiers … only my son has the right pace!" " "

A princess slept in the castle 100 years later, a prince finally came. When the prince saw the princess, he leaned down and kissed her. Then the spell was broken, and the princess woke up and looked at the prince shyly. At this moment, the prince breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Thank God, Aunt Zu, you finally woke up ..."

It is said that London is the foggy city in the world. No, I know a foggy city is Babylon.

London is much bigger. A: Where is it? I really can't tell you, because it's too foggy to see anything. ...

A man was asleep when he was awakened by something. He looked intently and found it was a mosquito. He raised his hand when the mosquito tried to take a second bite. At this time, the mosquito shouted, "Your blood is flowing in my body!" " "The man was speechless. ...

Jenny, who is often late, is late again today. However, Jenny's mother asked her to take a note to the manager, which said, "Sorry, my daughter is often late." This is because there are three young girls in my family, but there is only one mirror. "

Two drunks were walking on the tracks, and one of them complained, "Why isn't this staircase finished?" ! "The other snorted and said," Its handrail is still so low! "

When someone goes to the zoo to see an orangutan, he first salutes the orangutan, and the orangutan imitates his salute. The man bowed to the gorilla again, and the gorilla continued to imitate; The man was ecstatic and then scratched his eyelids at the orangutan. Unexpectedly, the orangutan did not imitate, but hit him with his big mouth! The man angrily questioned the keeper, who told him that in orangutan language, scraping the eyelids means calling the other person a fool, so the orangutan wanted to hit him. The man realized. The next day, someone went to the zoo again for revenge. He saluted and bowed to the orangutan, and the orangutan also bowed, so he took out a big stick and hit himself on the head, and then gave it to the orangutan. Unexpectedly, the orangutan did not imitate this time, but scratched his eyelids!

"Why did you cry just now?" Because my brother had a holiday and I didn't ... ""Then why didn't you? "Because I haven't gone to school ..."

Shortly after getting married, Xiao Wang left home to work in other places. He promised to send money back in two weeks. But the wife waited for a long time, but never received the money, so she telegraphed Xiao Wang: "Send the money quickly, and the landlord will force the rent." Xiao Wang called back: "It's inconvenient recently. The money must be sent back in a few days." My love, give you a thousand kisses. "A few days later, Xiao Wang received another telegram:" Honey, there is no urgent need for money now. I gave the landlord the 1000 kiss you gave me, and he said I didn't have to pay the rent ... "

Wife: "What do you like most about me? Am I beautiful or beautiful? " Husband: "No, what I like best is your sense of humor."

Believer: "God,10 million centuries is how long for you?" God: "One second!" Believer: "10 million yuan?" God: "that's only a dime!" " "Believer:" Then please give me a dime! " !" God: "that makes me think for another second!" " "

One person eats Chili as a dish, and others say enviously, "If you can eat Chili, you are not afraid of your wife." The man sighed: "I ate one by one, but my wife ate a whole plate!" " ~ ~ "

Someone took out instant noodles on the plane and was seen by a beautiful stewardess. At this time, the stewardess came up to him and said, "Sir, let me do it for you!" " "

A pair of twins are quarrelling in their mother's stomach. Suddenly, a voice sounded, "Shh", and they whispered, "Dad came in ..."

"Dude, do you know why I was scolded that day? I saw that the words on the beautiful girl's chest clothes were underlined, so I couldn't help but reach out and click. "

During the freshmen's military training, the company commander said, "Class One kills chickens, Class Two steals eggs, and I'll cook porridge. Do you understand? " Everyone later learned that it turned out to be: class one shot and class two threw eggs. Let me demonstrate!

A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch, and a policeman came to ask what happened. Drunk: "I don't know, I just arrived."

A girl and a girl are chatting. A female: "I pay great attention to contraception." Woman B: "But isn't your husband already ligated?" A lady replied, "that's why I should be more careful about contraception!" " "

A beautiful woman called a gynecologist after examination: "Did I leave my shorts there?" The doctor told her no. Beauty: "Sorry! Then I'll ask the dentist again! "

A man stared at a nude photo of a beautiful woman covered with only a few leaves. His wife saw it and said bitterly, "Don't look! These leaves won't fall until autumn! ! ! "

Occasionally into the canteen, soot pounced on his eyes. Look at the spider dancing on the left and the cockroach walking on the right. Vomiting, vomiting and countless flies.

Wine is peony, and it will dry after a toast; Wine is a rose. If you drink it dry, you won't get drunk. Wine is a big tree, if you drink it dry, you won't vomit; Wine is peony. Drink it before you want to drink it.

A girl wrote a poem saying: One evening, walking slowly, I saw a boy pretending to be cool, vomiting, vomiting, and bowing his head just to hit a tree! The boy replied to this poem: One day in the depths of self-study, I saw a dinosaur hit a tree. Terrible, terrible, poor little tree! ~

It is impossible to buy you a Mercedes; It is unrealistic to send you a BMW; Give you a Fiat, all right, but this car is made of wood. ...

Marry the lion roar and find a savage girlfriend; Meet a mean boss and make some fair-weather friends; Horizontal batch: four moldy men ~

Half a catty of wine gargles, one catty of wine warms hands, two jins of wine helps the wall, and three jins of wine I'll go. ~

Sheep eat fish, cats eat grass, and radishes love to bite rabbits. Blowing drums and horns, cars are driving on the road. Eat soybean milk, drink fried dough sticks and carry a schoolbag. Eating milk, drinking bread and carrying a bag on the train, I saw a man bite a dog, picked up the dog and smashed a brick. The brick opened its mouth and the dog was bitten by the brick!

The 40-year-old man has become better: his salary has been paid a lot, and Xiaomi has run away without salary. In the evening, he knew that he would go home early and his friends would not come to him! ~

Being single is shameful, being in love is intoxicating, getting married is too expensive, getting divorced because I don't want to waste it, and getting remarried because of no way back. There is nothing wrong with love, but love is simpler. Don't give up the whole spring date because of a rose.

These two people call texting to express their love believing in love. Sending without receiving is narcissism, unrequited love is love to send and receive, love to send and receive often ~

Running around without money is called vagrancy, and women drinking is called romance. Neither fish nor fowl talks about trends, and telling you to get out of work is called distraction!

Butterfly edge of butterfly lovers, white edge of west building, stone edge of red building, red leaf edge of Gu Kuang, sword edge of Huo Xiaoyu Liyi ... What about you and me? ...

If there is someone who can shed a real tear for you, then this person will be something you can't lose. I am looking for such a person ... people only have one heart, so you can't give it to others too early, because in the vast sea of people, you will only come together with one person. If you decide to do it too early, you will get nothing when you meet someone who is more suitable for you!

You are a lovely (poor and unloved) person, and you are really beautiful (it's really not your fault to look like this). Because of your temperament (irritable nature), we have a relationship (firm friendship).

The blue sky is special to you, but I miss you helplessly, the clouds are futile and lovely to you, I miss you helplessly, the wind is gently far away, I am waiting for you with deep affection, the rain is gentle and romantic, and I miss you alone!

One day, you ask God, "Do I smile like the Mona Lisa?" God said, "No, you laugh like her sister-Janet Martha!" " "

Hello, donor: We are the Tibetan Buddhist Council. When you receive this message, we have deducted the donation from 50 yuan from your mobile phone bill. In order to thank you, we hereby award you the highest legal number: mental retardation!

Break down the canteen and discover material civilization. Break down the library and discover spiritual civilization. Broke open the girls' dormitory and found that the key was locked in the dormitory! ..... What are you looking for? ! ! ! ~

When I miss you, I don't light the lamp. I like to think of your face in the endless darkness-because I'm really afraid of the shock your appearance brings me!

I think of Marx when I mention great men, Tang Bohu when I mention talents, Dong Cunrui when I mention heroes, and you when I mention fools! ! !

You can show other people's shortcomings better than the mirror, you are more knowledgeable than Zhuangzi, and you are more resourceful than your grandson ... So, everyone calls you "the grandson of Jingcun"! ! !