Tell me some jokes, the mature ones ~

These are my favorites. I hope you like them too. It's really funny.

Hmm. How interesting

I remember one day shortly after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a short message: "Let's break up!" " Before I could feel sad, my girlfriend sent another message: "Sorry, I sent it wrong." This can be very sad. ...

A mental patient screamed: I am the president, and you all have to listen to me. The attending doctor asked him: Who said that? Patient: God said. A patient next to him jumped up at once: I never said that!

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day, surrounding you and holding you tightly." The pot said, "It's almost fucking ripe and there's still so much nonsense."

There is a stronger dream. One night, I suddenly woke up and heard someone talking nonsense-five minutes later Yi Dexian helped me get on the horse (Romance of the Three Kingdoms)-a good start. I wonder who will cut it? (Romance of Sui and Tang Dynasties) Five minutes later-Xiao Li's flying knife really deserves its reputation! (Xiao Li flies the knife) Five minutes later-another dimension! (If I remember correctly, it should be a saint) Five minutes later-hum, hey hey, wow, hahaha (according to my guess, it may be San Xiao in Ba Shen ...) I really want to know what his dream is.

A friend's classmate, who wanted to pick up a MM in the evening self-study, went up and asked, "Classmate, what time is it?" MM looked at her watch and said, "Half past eight." The fellow looked surprised and said, "Ah, it's half past eight by my watch. Do you think we are predestined friends? " ? ! "

The ant married the elephant, but the elephant died a few days later. The ant was so sad that he cried and scolded, "Dear, why did you walk in front of me?" I don't have to do anything else in my life, so I'll bury you. "

The golfer accidentally hit the ball on an ant hill. He swung hard at the ball, but missed, but killed many ants. He hit the ball with his second swing and missed, killing more ants. "Come, come with me!" An ant shouted to his panicked companion, "As long as we can climb that ball, we will be safe."

What to see

Woman: "What are you looking at?"

Man: "Your eyes."

Woman: "It seems more than once."

Man: "Do you know why?"

Woman: (with a charming smile) …

Man: "Because you have me in your eyes!" " "

God loves you.

Moonlight night, in the park.

Girl: "No woman is more unfortunate than me, and no one loves me."

Young man: "But there are people who love you very much."

Girl: "Ah, who is it?" Hold the young man's hand at the same time.

Young man: "God!"

lags in response

On the park bench, a pair of lovers snuggled up.

The man asked, "May I kiss you?"

The woman did not answer.

The man asked again, "Can you let me kiss you?"

The woman still doesn't answer.

The man is angry: "Hey, are you deaf?" "

The woman cried and said, "Are you dead?"

Reasons for liking

The mother is talking with her son about his girlfriend. Mother asked, "What is she doing?"

What likes you? "

"It's very simple," the son said modestly. "She thinks I'm handsome and capable.

Dry, smart, interesting ... "

"Then why do you like her?"

"I just like that she thinks I'm handsome, capable, smart and funny."

Yuan Huan

A: "I was introduced to a blind date ten times in a row and finally met one."

Destiny takes a hand. "

B: "decree by destiny? How to say it? "

A: "He is my first blind date."

Go home and get pajamas

One day, a young man went to his girlfriend's house to play and got up when he left.

It rained heavily, so his girlfriend advised him to stay for the night, and then she went to prepare the bedding. wait for

When she was ready to go out, her boyfriend had already left. More than an hour.

Later, the whole body was drenched like a wet boy, and his

The girlfriend was surprised and asked, "Where have you been?"

The young man panted and replied, "I ... I'll go home and get it."

I'll change my pajamas. "

Such a date

A shy young man told his mother that he was going to the same aunt.

Mom's date.

Half an hour later, he came back.

Mom asked, "How's it going?"

"Very smooth."

"Have you seen her?"

"Of course," he giggled, "but what if?

If I don't hide behind the big tree, she will see me, too. "

Dark indication

An old maid said to her new boyfriend, "I had a dream last night."

See you propose to me. "

"How to express it?"

"I accept your proposal."

take a risk

A young man walked behind a girl and covered her eyes with his hand.

The eyes said, "If you can't guess who I am, let me kiss you. quick

Say three names! "

"Louis XVI? ..... wrong? Victor hugo? ..... take it.

Broken LUN? Still wrong? Then you win! "

Watch it for a while.

A young man went to visit his girlfriend at her house. Girlfriend parents deliberately avoided.

Open, let them fall in love alone in the living room. When they kissed,

Later, the young man found his girlfriend's little sister standing at the door watching curiously.

Look at that.

"Little sister, you go to sleep. I'll give you a silver dollar." The year of birth.

Zi said.

My little sister ran away without asking for money. After a while,

She came back and said, "I have a silver dollar. Let me watch it for a while. "

Ideal lover

A girl is chatting with her girlfriend. She said, "If my two

It's good to combine the advantages of lovers-Xiao Zhao is rich, handsome and handsome.

Harmonic wave; Xiao Li wants to marry me. "

Cleverly juggle

In the corner of the park, a young man wants to kiss his girlfriend.

But the woman pushed him away and said, "No, I can't do this before I get married."

Do it! "

"So, I'll leave you my phone number, please contact after marriage.

Let me know. "

Friendship between generations

A man said to his new girlfriend, "If you insist.

Tell me your age, so I have to tell others that you are a friend who has forgotten the year. "

blow/throw a kiss (at)

The angry father scolded his daughter, "Clara, why are you in a big school?"

Blow a kiss to that strange young man in public? What a pity! "

"Why? He blows me a kiss first, if I don't let it go.

Throw it back. Do you want me to keep it? "

I don't know

The girl asked her boyfriend who was nearly fifty years old, "Honey, how many do you have?"

Years old, you look very young. "

Boyfriend: "I don't know. You are as old as you say. "

Girl: "Then when were you born?"

Boyfriend: "When I was born, I was very confused. Who knows which one? "

Years! "

lower the standard

Woman: "You have good conditions in all aspects. Why didn't you find a woman before? "

Friends? "

Man: "Because my eyes are too high."

Woman: "Then I am honored to be your girlfriend now."

Man: "No, but now I lower my eyes."

marry

The father and son had a fierce quarrel over their son's marriage.

At this time, the son's mother came in to stop the fight. The son took his mother,

Say, "Mom, I have never interfered in your marriage, but why should Dad interfere?"

Why do you always interfere in my marriage? ! "

Enthusiastic you

A man asked after donating blood, "Is my blood warm?"

Really? "

The nurse nodded yes. The man added, "Give me a certificate."

Really? "

The nurse looked at him doubtfully. The man explained, "My girlfriend often scolds me.

I am a cold-blooded animal. I want to prove to her that I am not! "

jump

"Xiao Chen, tell me, what's the progress of your relationship with Lily?

Really? "

"No .. whenever I tell her that I love her, she quickly puts

Let's talk about marriage again "

Obey mother's instruction.

Woman: "Mom always told me that no matter what you ask me before you get married.

Yao, I should answer' no'. "

Man (thinking): "Do you mind if I shake your hand?"

Woman: "No."

Man: "Don't you object to my kissing you?"

Woman: "No."

Man: "So, you won't refuse to have sex with us, will you?"

Woman: "No."

Man: "ah! Long live your mother! "

A virgin's heart

Daughter: "Mom, there are always a few men on my way."

Stare at me. "

Mother: "Well, why not go the other way?"

Daughter: "if you change the road, there will be no one!" " "

The key (to accomplish sth)

A: "Hello! How was your date with your girlfriend yesterday? "

B: "Half the battle."

A: "What do you mean?"

B: "I went, but she didn't."

Come in through the wall

The father said to his daughter's suitor, "I didn't tell you not to do it again."

Into my house? "

"Sorry, I came over the wall this time, hee hee!"

well-wish

Jack, a bachelor in his forties, is describing his beauty to his friends.

Wish: "... a young, beautiful, gentle and virtuous person as soon as he comes back from work."

My wife stood in front of me, with delicious food and wine on the table ... you said there was this.

Is it possible? "

"yes."

"When will there be?"

"When you go to the wrong door."

An experiment in courtship

In the street, a fashionable man has been staring at a tramp.

Smart girl.

The girl stopped suddenly, turned around and asked him, "Why do you always stare at me?"

"You are so beautiful, I love you!" He said bluntly.

"I'm not beautiful. My sister is in the back. She is very beautiful. "

The man turned and left at once, but he met an old woman.

"You lied to me!" The man turned to scold the girl.

The girl smiled contemptuously: "You lied to me first."

Shorter and shorter

On the dance floor, a girl dances with a strange man.

The girl asked, "You are really a magical figure, dancing with you."

Dance, I think the dance music is getting shorter and shorter. "

The man replied, "What's so strange about this? The conductor is. "

My fiancee. "

The future husband

A dissolute and unattractive woman is watching a movie.

Later, he said, "I wonder if my future husband has any men in this film."

As brave as the protagonist? "

A gentleman next to him went on to say, "Miss, I believe your husband."

He must be a hero because he needs superhuman courage when he decides to marry you.

Gas. "

Eliminate interest

The doctor has just examined a female patient and confirmed that she is pregnant.

He said, "Madam, I have good news for you."

"It's a lady, not a wife." Young women are more upright.

"Oh, miss," the doctor said quickly, "I have some bad news.

You "

Sufficient condition

Jones dare not propose to his girlfriend in person, so he can only propose by phone.

Remote detection.

"Rita, I got five million yuan, a villa and a car.

Cars and yachts, will you marry me? "

"Of course I promise. Who are you? "

How to express

Young man: "My love for you is beyond words."

Da. "

Girl: "It's very simple! Can be expressed as a gift! "

The older, the better.

A famous actor said to his confidant, "I'm almost sixty-five."

50 years old, with 500,000 savings. I've been in love for a year now.

A light woman. If I told her that I was only fifty years old, I would marry her.

Is it possible? "

"I think," the friend replied, "if you tell her that you have

Eighty years old, then, this possibility will be much greater! "

Just once

Xiao Chen is in love, but his income is too small to satisfy his girlfriend.

Material needs.

This day is my girlfriend's twentieth birthday, so it seems that I have to do it anyway.

I sent her some gifts. He raised some money and bought her a gold ring.

Refers to another sentence on the greeting card:

"Dear Pearl Krabs, I wish you a happy birthday and would like to start today.

You were happy in all the festivals before we got married! "

A: "What eggs are the most expensive?"

B: "eggs."

A: "No, the face is the most expensive. I gave my girlfriend 100,000 yuan.

Money, but her mother said that with her daughter's face, it is not much to give100000 yuan. "

Difficult to smile

A: "My wife is really hard to make her laugh."

B: "You are a famous' laughing star' of Quyi Troupe. I didn't say that. "

Believe. "

A: "I'm telling the truth."

B: "So she has loved you for so long and never smiled once?"

A: "I laughed once."

B: "Who made her laugh?"

A: "My five-figure deposit is discounted!"

Money is marriage.

There was a young man holding his girlfriend's letter in despair.

After handing in the letter, I asked my girlfriend, "You didn't say that we were congenial, it was a previous life.".

Get married? Why did you change your mind so soon? "

The girlfriend said coldly, "Who changed his mind? I have repeatedly said,' Money is marriage.

Fate, but you have no money to buy this or that now. Of course, you have no chance.

La! "

A lover's dream

A couple went shopping and walked to the door of a gold and silver jewelry store.

The woman said, "honey, I had a dream last night that you gave it to me."

Bought a gold necklace. "

The man paused and said, "What a coincidence, that's what I did last night."

In my dream, I put a gold necklace around your neck. "

Trust/trust me

Woman: "dear! Believe me, I love you. "

Man: "I believe you, when you haven't met anyone richer than me."

Hou, you love me. "

Reasons for getting married

A: "Is the young doctor you want to marry rich?"

B: "Do you believe I married him for health reasons?

Really! "

Work hard bit by bit.

A: "Hey, that glee club actress you introduced me to,

Seems to be a man with a heart of stone. "

B: "cruel? Ah, diamonds can touch her heart. "

imagine

Man: "margot, imagine if I were the Greek king of ships.

Will you love me? "

Woman: "No, but I will marry you."

What does this mean?

Man: "Honey, I dreamed of proposing to you last night. This is what you said. "

What does this mean? "

Woman: "This shows that you have saved enough money."

Turn yourself into a dog.

Woman: "People like you, only dogs will love you."

Man: "To tell you the truth, I just inherited 10 million."

Woman: "Wang! Woof! "

feel

Girl: "Since we met, you feel ..."

Young man: "I feel that my monthly salary is not enough."

Shape a

A: "What are the conditions for you to find someone?"

B: "My qualifications are not high. That man must have a beautiful face. "

Members, strong as athletes, knowledgeable as researchers, home layout.

Like a garden, the bank deposits one million yuan; Besides, you are very considerate to me.

Clerk. "

A: "Oh-your conditions are not high! I asked my neighbor to help you.

Busy. "

B: "What does your neighbor do?"

A: "He is a writer. Let him help you create one in the novel. "

expensive

Woman: "It's precious to get love."

Man: "it's really expensive to get love."

play football

A football fan boasted happily to his girlfriend, "That's right."

Balls, like lovers, need to be wrapped. A pair of feet should be like this.

Sticking to football like candy, that would be perfect. "

Girlfriend: "well, just kick it away." That's amazing. "

Congratulations to who?

A: "Did you hear that Miss Wang and I are engaged?"

B: "I heard. If it is true, I congratulate you; If it's fake,

I congratulate Miss Wang. "

have a quick mind

A couple had a "cold war" and it was very unpleasant. Husband is soft-hearted, eat dinner.

Seeing my wife was angry and didn't eat, I quickly gave her a bowl of rice.

Son, and easily joked: "you eat this bowl of rice, only strength and."

I quarrel! "The wife immediately replied," After eating this bowl of rice, we will quarrel.

I can't get up. "

Then come back.

A newly married couple had an argument, and finally, the wife couldn't stand it any longer.

I couldn't stop crying and said, "Give you the air! I'm going to pack my things and go back

Go to your parents' house "

"Very well, dear." The husband took out the money, "here, the fare.

Here it is. "

She took the money and counted it, then said, "This money is not enough. I will come back. "

What about travel expenses? "

coordinate

Mr. Paul came home from work and found his wife cleaning.

Luggage.

He asked, "What are you doing?"

The wife shouted, "I can't stay any longer." I am old all the year round. "

It's bickering. I want to leave this house. "

Paul stood there in confusion, watching his wife come out with a suitcase.

Let's go Suddenly, he ran into the bedroom, grabbed a box from the shelf and shouted:

"Wait a minute, I can't stay in this house, I'll go with you!"

Primitive cause

Two men were chatting while eating in a restaurant.

A: "I have to eat here because my wife doesn't want to eat."

rice. "

B: "You are so lucky. I eat here because of me.

A wife must cook for herself. "

* * * Same hobby

A: "My wife found me hiding private money yesterday."

B: "Did you quarrel as a result?"

A: "No, she said that after five years of marriage, she finally found out that we were the only one.

A * * * with hobbies. "

Make shocking remarks

One day, the husband was absorbed in reading at home, and his wife was on the side.

Watch TV. At this time, a couple appeared on the TV screen, and the man was right.

The woman said, "Dear, I have always regarded you as a part of myself."

Hearing this, my wife was very moved. So, she concentrated on reading.

Her husband said, "Hello! What about you? When did you take me as a part of your body? "

The husband hates it when his wife turns on the TV and interferes with his study, so he ignores it.

"Ah! I am asking you! What part of your body am I?

Huh? ! "The wife asked again and again.

The husband replied impatiently, "it's cecum!" " "

A friend once sold popsicles in the park through work-study programs, so I was embarrassed to shout. Suddenly, someone shouted there: sell popsicles, sell popsicles. My friend was very happy to hear that. He shouted: Me too, me too.

A gentleman was touching a bicycle when a group of people came to him. A gentleman panicked and shouted, stop, stop. The pedestrians stopped in a daze. However, a gentleman rode so badly that he ran into a pedestrian. The pedestrian got up and said angrily, you told me to stop. You are good at aiming.

In the hospital, a family is very happy to have a baby. As soon as the child was born, he spoke. The child said, "Grandpa." Grandpa sighed when he died. The child said, "Grandma." Grandma sighed when she died. The child said, "Dad." His father died and saw that he was not dead. At this time, the child's uncle died.

The little girl always shows off her new toys to the little boy. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and say, you will never have this! The girl also took off her pants and said, my mother said that as long as you have this, you can have as many things as you want!

Haven't you waited for your favorite color?

Stop. The man stopped. And I ran into him. The man said you wanted me to stand still and hit me.

A college student was caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, where are you from? I'll electrocute you if you don't tell me! The college student replied to the enemy's words and was electrocuted. He said, I'm from TV University!

The university went to Shenzhen to sketch,

Walking on the road with my classmates, suddenly a male classmate walked to the side of the road.

Pat a person on the shoulder and ask "excuse me, brother".

Ask the bank teller if his brain is squeezed by the door! !

The cashier may not have heard it clearly either.

Looking back,

Nervously holding a gun (big spray) pointed at him: "What are you doing! What are you doing! " ,

My classmate pointed a gun at himself,

Frightened to tears, he said, "Big Brother, it doesn't mean anything. I asked what time it was. " . . . .

Sweating by the waterfall. . . . . . .

Once, because I had something to contact a classmate, but his number was not stored in my mobile phone, I sent a short message to another classmate who knew him very well, "Do you have XXX's phone number?"

Then I waited patiently for a reply. After 5 minutes, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the short message and wrote a "yes".

In desperation, I can only send a short message to this big brother again, "So, please tell me?" I waited another five minutes and received a reply. I can't wait to open it again, and the other two words are impressively written, "Good"!