Shit, I'm just an innocent audience who eats melon seeds, okay?

1, the bus met a beautiful young woman with a child. That young woman is elegant and beautiful. I quickly gave up my seat. After that, the child politely said thank you.

I praised my child for being polite, so I asked, Son, what should I do if you get lost?

Child: Go to the police station to find the police uncle and call his mother.

Me: Do you remember mom's phone number?

Children:13 * * * * * * *

Everyone says I'm witty.

2. Woman: Did you miss me?

Man: I've been thinking about you. . .

W: Who will you miss when you are unhappy?

Male. . .

3. In the subway, a pure beauty is on the phone: see you at the gate of the Civil Affairs Bureau in half an hour. Don't be late. . .

I can't help silently sending my blessing, wondering which guy is so lucky.

Who knows the beauty went on to say: remember to bring your household registration book and marriage certificate.

At the gate of the community, a man and a woman are quarreling.

I happened to pass by, and the man grabbed my collar and said to the woman, if you quarrel with me again, do you believe I hit him? If he calls the police, he will fine me at least 500 yuan, which will give you a bunch of snacks! !

The woman opened her mouth, awkward and silent!

Shit, I'm just an innocent audience who eats melon seeds, okay? !

Xiao Liu, a girl from 5. 18, founded an internet e-commerce company in Shenzhen.

Less than six months after its establishment, the company received the first round of venture capital of 20 million yuan, with a valuation exceeding 654.38+0 billion.

Xiao Liu said that she loved doing business under the influence of her parents since she was a child. Although her academic performance was average, she quickly earned her first bucket of gold from Taobao.

Although the value has exceeded 100 million, she still maintains a simple entrepreneurial style, and the villa bought by her father has not lived for a day.

6. When I went shopping to go to the toilet today, I saw a young uncle standing next to the ladies' room with an embarrassed face. Xiong Haizi's voice came from the ladies' room: I won't go out until you buy it for me.

7. Two grade two students in primary school, the little girl should want the little boy to buy things, staring at MengMeng's big eyes and coquetry: Look at my sincere eyes. . .

The little boy closed his eyes: I don't look! Last time, I just looked at your sincere eyes, stole one hundred dollars from my mother, and was almost killed by my mother. . .

My son was taking a bath just now. My son asked me to pass him a towel. I don't want to move

So I called my daughter-in-law and no one answered for a long time. Suddenly my son came over and said, your daughter-in-law is taking a bath with me.

9. My daughter (4 years old) was playing with two little girls of the same age, and one of them said to her: You are not as tall as us.

The daughter immediately replied: Are you as fat as me?

Me. . .

10, my five-year-old son came home from kindergarten and didn't want to do his homework. I said to him seriously: you should do your homework more actively!

Son: Dad, adults don't swear.

Me: I took an oath there.

Son: You said JJ.

Shit, my ass is bigger. What children learn all day. . .

47 classic funny quotations _ Holy shit, I'm laughing.

1 milk is not necessarily a mother, money must be a grandfather!

As long as the hoe jumps well, where can you dig down the corner?

It won't be bad if three people are not officials.

Is money really that important to you? I talked for more than three hours and didn't leave a penny behind.

Grandpa was handed down from his grandson.

Take your hand and drag your son away! If you don't go, you will continue to drag on!

What is more troublesome than meeting a bitch is meeting two bitches at the same time.

In order to build a harmonious society, wife, let's do it again.

Your new lover is someone else's whore.

10 in love, I would rather be arrogant and moldy than humble!

A person's longest love history is probably narcissism.

12 says that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers. Looking back, I actually streaked in Too Many Cooks for 20 years!

13 Everyone has a dark side. If you say you are simple, I can only say that you are not human!

47 classic funny quotations _ Holy shit, I'm laughing.

14 Yuanyang playing in the water, all fucking drowned; Fly with me, you fucking fell dead!

15 Don't talk to me about feelings. Talking about feelings hurts money.

16 summer is hard. When I was poor, I didn't even have to drink the northwest wind. Fortunately, it's autumn.

17 Youth is dedicated to the house and middle age to the children.

18 No matter how ugly you are, you should fall in love and talk about a world full of love.

19 The woman outside the umbrella is destined not to go out on rainy days.

I want to condense my life into a joke.

2 1 said my sister was beautiful, but it was all made up.

Give me your bank account number and I'll pay you back now. When I received this message, I was deeply moved.

As long as you dare to die, I dare to bury it.

24 men were dumped, the problem of money; Women are dumped, appearance problems; I got dumped. What the fuck is wrong with you?

As long as you choose crooked ways, pocket money will go out.

Commodities have a shelf life, and people sometimes get tired of looking at them. How long can you be awesome in my heart?

Thank you, thank your uncle, thank your family and thank your 18 ancestors!

I think Shenzhouxing is ok, but you don't have to pay to see if you can do it.

I told you not to push me. If you push me, I will play dead for you!

I am in the Jianghu, but there is no legend of me in the Jianghu.

3 1 Many people don't need to meet again because they are just passing by. Forgetting is the best memory we give each other.

Before I was born, my parents never asked me, do you want to have a baby? In fact, living is also forced!

Little girls want to find a white horse in their dreams. When they opened their eyes, they found that the whole world was a gray donkey. After being heartbroken, they can only choose a strong donkey, and such a donkey is named: economically applicable male.

Bajie, don't think you are a night pig standing under a street lamp.

I'm not afraid of beautiful women treating me like a pervert, but I'm afraid of ugly women treating me like a hooligan!

Kill the bird man, I am an angel!

After studying for more than ten years, I think it's better to mix kindergartens! !

I am poor, please don't rob the tomb!

Our rival in love fell into the water, so we have to pee.

When I became a swan, you were still an egg.

4 1 Everyone else is pretending to be serious, so I have to pretend not to be serious.

A short girl in Class 42 is cleaning the blackboard. It's really hard for me to see where she is cleaning up below. I went to the podium and said to her, let me help you! She said shyly, thank you. So I put my arm around her waist and picked her up.

There must be a road in front of the 43-lane mountain. I can't stop it.

44 money is not a problem, the problem is no money!

Red beans don't grow in the south, they grow on my face. I really miss them!

The so-called surprise is that the rabbit you are waiting for comes, followed by the wolf!

Just now, I told my wife that I bought her a suite in Beijing. She grabbed my hand and said, Oh, my God, is this true? Honey, I'm so excited. To be honest, I'm excited, too. After all, this is the first time I have lied.

55 swearing sentences without dirty words _ Holy shit, it's so classic.

1 Don't talk to me, because I don't understand. In others' eyes, I am stupid to quarrel with a pig.

Why am I staring at you? What can you see all over you?

It looks very sci-fi and abstract!

Finally found an adjective that suits your figure, fat but not greasy!

Don't pour all the dirty water on yourself when you do something wrong. I have to save it for flushing the toilet.

Will you stop shaking your head? It was smashed by water.

You are a real headache. Without education, I'll teach you how to stab people.

According to my observation, you must be short of calcium from childhood and love when you grow up. The left face owes pumping, and the right face owes kicking. The donkey saw the donkey kicking, and the pig saw the pig stepping.

You think you're Popeye and you can come out and yell at me after eating some spinach?

10 If I hadn't forgotten to buy condoms that night, you would have been washed down the sewer.

1 1 You either have late puberty or early menopause.

12 As far as you are concerned, you will never live through the second scene in my TV series.

13 You won't know you until you have done good deeds all your life. Even throwing it into the sun is not environmentally friendly.

14 I want to say that you are an idiot, I am praising you.

15 You need to go back to the furnace for reconstruction.

Select 55 sentences that swear without dirty words _ Holy shit, it's so classic.

Is that your face? He looks like a sesame seed cake and his face is pockmarked.

17 I really want to put my size shoes on your size face right away.

18 Don't shake your head for fear that others won't know that your mind is full of water.

19 in our country, you don't learn so many weapons, you learn swords. You don't have to learn how to use a sword. You must learn how to get drunk with a sword, because there are too many moves. Sword iron, don't learn silver sword! Finally, you reach the realm of the unity of man and sword, that is, the knight errant.

20 how far your thoughts are, how far you roll; You can roll as fast as the speed of light

2 1 Take medicine if you are sick. I don't know what medicine to take. Go to Qingshan Hospital and ask. There will be something for you.

All the places of interest you have visited will become historic sites, and the historic sites you have visited will also become history.

Your life, summed up in eight words, is absurd to live and timid to die.

24 Sprinkle soybeans in sesame fields-hybridization.

The north wind is blowing again. You are always so careless. Every time you ask me to remind you to put on more clothes, you always disdainfully answer: Why do I have such thick pigskin? Are you still afraid of that breeze?

I haven't heard anyone blow the cow so fresh and refined for a long time.

You are amazing and creative! !

If you are cool and handsome, humans can only reproduce asexually.

Children go home to buy two bottles of Fuyanjie to honor your parents.

You are so scared that you can't stand still and your hands can't stand still.

3 1 I'm not a straw boat. Don't send your bitch to me.

In fact, you are nothing but a barking dog.

Silly coins are like crops in the south, which are harvested three times a year and never rest.

Take fewer pictures, or your inferiority complex will come out.

Bitch is always a bitch, even if the economic crisis, you can't be expensive.

You don't know that you were playing with a spoon in that kindergarten when I was playing X (others called you pretending to be B)

Don't pretend to be human if you can't do it. Whole body 13.

I threw a bone to the dog, and it knew how to wag its tail at me. What are you?

When you know you are walking at the airport, hide yourself. Don't be cocky, lest others don't know.

Don't kill yourself when you open your mouth and wave your claws at me.

4 1 has a lightning rod-like head, so be careful. Don't go out when it thunders and lightning, it will be ugly to be turned black by electricity.

You are the scum of the society, the parasite of excrement, the excess fat of human body, the lowest among the lower creatures, and the scum of men.

With your eyes, the visibility is almost as wide as the ATM card slot of an ATM bank.

You chase me naked for two kilometers, and I'm a hooligan when I go back!

Seeing you, I finally believe that people are animals.

You should be pulled out of the henhouse and put in jail at once!

I don't understand. If the rope is too long, it will knot, but your tongue won't?

Give you face, you don't want it. You are shameless.

Go back and wash your face, and I'll give you 10 Jin perfume to cover your big slag smell.

50 ugliness is not your fault. Why aren't you honest? You have to show off in an ostentatious manner and let us know that you are the eldest brother.

5 1 Although you are a brainless person with negative IQ, we will not discriminate against you.

For you, I really can't think of any language to communicate with different humans!

I am just a prodigal son. Tell me.

Perhaps, I don't need anyone to understand, I am just a prodigal son, I value my friends and brothers, I like beautiful sister papers, and I prefer to flirt with beautiful sister papers! Humanism, demonization and nonsense, I have my own way. You can speak ill of me, but don't let me know that I am narrow-minded.

I am just a prodigal son. Tell me.

First, I'm just a player, always crying in other people's stories.

Dust: I am just a prodigal son. I wandered around. I sleep and know my bed.

Third, all the words are so pale. Ha ha. I am just a prodigal son. It doesn't matter. Will always wait for you.

Fourth, splash a handful of water on your face to wash away the smell of alcohol, and you can't sleep late at night. The neighbors next door are dreaming their own dreams, worrying about the life in the city tomorrow and the daily necessities in the morning. I walked lightly like rain, and I was afraid to wake their dreams. I'm just a prodigal son, afraid to walk into their dreams. Go out in the morning, don't step on polluted rain, and rush into Beijing at five o'clock. Light a cigarette, put it in your mouth and spit it out. There is no place for me in this city. I'm already in a mess. Why do I only like night in this world? I have closed my eyes and drunk the wine I just bought to dispel my thoughts. I only have my own loneliness, especially loneliness and freedom. But now I also have my dream, but it hasn't come true yet. I'm afraid it will never come true. It is Miss Wang who already has a home. Sitting on a stool will show my dreams. Hold your hand tightly and dare not relax. I'm afraid I'll never see my fantasy about you again. I'm afraid I'll never have such good luck to meet you again. I'll tuck you in. I will watch you fall asleep, and your shy mouth will be slightly upturned. That was the happiest moment of the rest of my life.

I am just a prodigal son. It's no use saying anything when I shouldn't look back. When it's time to turn around, I will naturally turn around.

I'm just a prodigal son. If I want to, I will kill you!

Seven, the benefits of being single, you don't have to find an excuse to explain how late you play, you don't have to worry about missing the phone, you don't have to worry about not returning the text message, you drink when you are happy, you drink when you are unhappy, you love people, you don't wear a green hat, and you don't have phobia. In a word, I am just a prodigal son.

Eight, sorry! I am just a prodigal son! Forgive me for not being stubborn and not letting go of love and freedom in my life!

Nine, that night, the Taiwan Province girl said a little tipsy, don't fall in love with me. I am just a prodigal son. I don't know why I suddenly feel a little sad about her.

I like the sea, but I can't go to see it because I know the sea doesn't belong to me. I'm just a woman fluttering in the wind, and there are homes everywhere. I can't park somewhere because I am a prodigal son.

Last August 7th, I went home today so happy that I missed the chance to save you. If I take you out for a trip and arrange for someone to install air conditioning at home, will the result be different if I don't go to Beijing on November 11? On August 7, I went home for the last time. At that time, I still had my home and you, but now I am just a prodigal son, not even a wanderer. I miss your mother and me.

Twelve, I am just a prodigal son, and I have been wandering back and forth in Beishangguang. The prodigal son likes to stay in the capital Shanghai. I'm not Beckham or Walker. I'm just the son of an ordinary farmer! I suddenly want to go home!

Thirteen, maybe I'm just a passer-by, or just like you said, I'm just a prodigal son.

I am just a prodigal son, and my home is just the sea.

Fifteen, "The Prodigal Son" I am just a prodigal son, wandering around. The flowing clouds showed me the way, and the breeze borrowed my wings. I wander freely, wander freely. Across rivers, across oceans, across mountains, across canyons. Now, I am tired. However, you can't rely on the shoulders you give. Because, I don't know if there will be another shoulder at the next stop.

This is the most emotional place in my university. I never forget to come in for a walk every time I come back, and I still do. Come quietly and walk gently. I'm just a prodigal son without much sustenance. I've been out for a long time and want to go home and have a look.

When I first saw you, I thought you were like a glass cup at night. Transparent, but the whole body exudes unpredictable light and shadow, not telling previous stories, nor telling people you have met. In a hurry. Who will you confuse? Does this have anything to do with me just passing by? Me too. Don't let me see you praying in the moonlight, make your body bright and transparent. You are just a glass cup, and I am just a prodigal son.

Eighteen, I am destined to be just a prodigal son, how can I be fettered?

I am just a prodigal son. Remember my name, prodigal son.

Good night, beautiful night. I am just a prodigal son. No one can convince me. I only like the night sky and the waves by the sea at night. I only like to shuttle through green forests and vast fields. Please let me pursue the invisible rainbow.

2 1. If weight is directly proportional to happiness, I am willing to be fat, but I am just a lonely prodigal son who is about to lose his waist.

Twenty-two, free dust: Keiko, in fact, I am just a prodigal son, and it is not worth doing for me. Keiko: No, actually, you are gay.

Twenty-three, do something, spend most of your time in the world. Force yourself to wallow in a pile of financial reports every day. I'm just a prodigal son, and I want to go with the flow.

24. If life is like the first time, he is still the charming prodigal son who used to laugh and laugh, and I am just a naive girl who doesn't understand the world. If it wasn't for his first kiss, maybe he was just a passer-by and wouldn't enter my heart. If I hadn't met him at an age when he didn't understand emotions, maybe I wouldn't have let him go easily, but I finally met him and left him.

Twenty-five, wow, thanks to the boring Spring Festival Gala and the network failure, which made me pass the Grand Voyage 4 for the first time in many years, thanks to Hedram! Finally got through. I am just a prodigal son. I don't deserve to be with the princess. Let me accompany you to the ends of the earth. Stupid tut tut tut, poor miss Sierra ~

I am just a prodigal son. I'm sorry there are too many lines in the two episodes. I have to laugh for a while.

I think you'd better stop loving me. I'm afraid I'm just a prodigal son, but you're not.

I summed up the reason why I am single, because I can't live with others. Because he sleeps in my house, it will dirty my sheets! You'll step on my floor! You can use my bowl! Use my towel! Will disturb my movie! Will talk to me! But I don't want to chat! I can't fart, burp, smoke and be stingy! After all, I'm just a lonely prodigal son ~

Twenty-nine, I'm just a prodigal son holding a stepping stone. I just want to break the closed wall. My heart is sincere, but I have no choice.

It's thirty, and the code word is finally comfortable in the middle of the night. It's not bad to find an outlet to vent your emotions. So I have a diary in my mobile phone that no one has read. Write code if you are unhappy. It is natural for the prodigal son to return! However, I am just a quiet bird with no feet, hahaha. . . Good Night!