joke book

An accident, the boy donated blood to his girlfriend. After breaking up, the boy asked for his blood. Girls throw sanitary napkins in boys' faces: "Here! I will pay you back in installments every month! "

Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it." The man went back in January, and the street where he lost his money was dug up to build roads. He couldn't help but sigh, "Everything in Shanghai is real."

One day, a Mr. Zhang left the personnel department of the company and went to a bar. The bartender said, Mr. Zhang, I heard that you lost your job recently? ! When Mr. Zhang panicked, the bartender quickly changed his mouth. I heard you were absent? !

A young lady had a miscarriage, and the doctor deliberately made it very painful. The young lady shouted: it hurts! I can't stand it! Doctor: If you can't stand it, you have to endure it. Don't come to me when you feel better.

In front of the counter of Lamian Noodles's store, a beautiful girl is waiting in line. When she arrived, Master Lamian Noodles asked, Do you want a thick one or a thin one? Girl: I'll eat whatever you pull.

Bookstore clerk with a straight face: don't look, this is a book seller, not a library! Customer: What's your attitude? You didn't smile. Shop assistant: Are you here to buy a book or a smile?

A meteor flashed in the night sky, and I quickly made a wish, hoping that you could become more beautiful. Who knows that just made a wish, the meteor came back and said to me: big brother! It really embarrassed me, didn't it? !

The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

Yuan is studying in other places. One day, he found that his living expenses had been used up in advance and was busy telegraphing home for help. There were only four words on the telegram: A Yuan received a phone call from home a few days after he ran out of ammunition and food: Hold on!

You know our friendship means a lot to me. I cry when you cry, and I laugh when you laugh. When you jump off a tall building, I will stick my head out without hesitation: "Wow! Strangely, not dead! "

Customer: Why does your dog like to watch you get a haircut? Barber: Oh, because sometimes I accidentally cut off customers' ears.

A group of foreigners were shopping in China and found a sign at the door that said "Be careful when skating". The international students laughed. People in China are really interesting. Think of this as a roller skating rink. Let's skate carefully!

When I was in college, I had a buddy in my dormitory. One day, I sang Xiao Qi's Wave After Wave: I want you to watch me and swim in the water with that turtle. . .

A man took off his clothes and showed his girlfriend his biceps, saying it was equivalent to 50 kilograms of explosives. He also took off his trousers and pointed to his thigh and said, "This is equivalent to 100 kg of explosives. Then he took off his underwear, and his girlfriend rushed to the door and exclaimed, "Oh, my God! The lead is so short. "

Gohan and Stupid Bear are drunk. Gofan said to the stupid bear, I knelt down for a whole hour when I proposed to my wife. Are you on your knees? Stupid bear proudly said: My wife said I wouldn't kneel, and there will be many opportunities in the future! ......

Bin Laden wrote a letter to Bush: qs-IHSIN, but Bush didn't understand it and the FBI could do nothing, so he sent it to British MI 6. The answer is: the president holds it backwards and reads it in Chinese Pinyin!

One day when you were walking in the street, you were stopped and said you were ugly, but you refused to admit it, and you were beaten: hypocrisy! I was stopped the next day and called you ugly. You admit being beaten: you are not modest! On the third day, I was stopped again, afraid to respond. I was beaten even worse: ugly is so shameful!

There is a flat-chested girl. She was afraid that her boyfriend would know that she was disgusted and never told him. The first time they went to bed, they turned off the lights and got into bed. The man began to touch the girl's chest. Then the boy said, honey, don't sleep on your stomach!

I looked at the starry sky and counted the days when I met you. It's been more than three years, we've only met twice, and you're still here. But please don't blame me for not visiting you often, but … the zoo is too far from my home!

When Fang and her boyfriend are dating in the Woods, they can hear her ugly voice singing. Xiao Fang: You scared everyone else in the forest away by singing like that! Boyfriend: that's what you want, otherwise how can you clear the field!

What should I do if I am hungry? Have a hot pot rinse! What if you are thirsty? Walk around the river! What if I have no money? Find a fool to cheat! What if you have no guts? Practice with bin Laden! What should I do if I miss you? Look at the pigsty!

After a student born on the edge of Taklimakan desert was admitted to the university, the villagers beat gongs and drums to celebrate. Tears welled up in his eyes. I was just about to thank you, but I accidentally heard an old man shout: another person is missing to grab water with us!

There is still one lap to run. He has run 44 laps. I looked at him anxiously. He ran so leisurely. I silently counted: five, four, three, two, one! Bell ... class is over!

I heard that your mobile phone doesn't have short message function, so I sent this short message to try. If you receive it and confirm that it has SMS function and it is not sent by me, please reply to me: I do, it is yours!

Single Xiao Wang asked Lao Li: Why does the law stipulate that a man can only marry one wife? Lao Li said earnestly: When you have a wife, you will find that this law actually protects men.

A bad wolf came out for food and heard a woman lecturing her child: If you cry again, I will throw you out to feed the wolf! As a result, the wolf waited all night and said, shit! The old lady broke her word!

A young man farted on the bus, and the woman sitting next to him said, "bah!" " The young man asked unhurriedly, Comrade, why did you spit out the nuts when you ate fart?

Music is played every time the pigsty is fed. Pregnant sows always enjoy themselves in secluded places, and their owners come to chase her. The sow said, "Don't make any noise, I'm giving prenatal education."

Health tip: After a full meal, don't smoke, take a bath, get angry, loosen your belt under temptation, brush your teeth, go to the toilet or drink alcohol. Do you know that?/You know what?

The white rabbit escaped from the gray wolf, who was indignant and chased after him. The rabbit dressed up as a gray rabbit and read the newspaper with glasses. The wolf asked, can you see a white rabbit? Rabbit: Is it the white rabbit that the wolf spoiled? Wolf Shame: Shit! It's in the newspaper so soon?

I have a request: invite me to dinner, I hope you can satisfy me. Otherwise, I'll write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front of it: apply for a certificate.

When Friar Sand was taking a math test, the invigilator stared at the beads around his neck for a long time and sneered: Hey, hey! Camouflage the abacus like this, don't cheat, and take it off quickly!

When I saw her face with a shy and lovely expression, I couldn't help but tremble and ask in a low voice, "What about you ... do you really like me?" She buried her head and said, "Guess!" "I like it ~" Her face is redder and her head is lower. "Guess again!"

When we were young, we didn't guess. I sing and you dance. I can sing 200 songs and you can dance 200 dances, so people affectionately call me 200 songs and you 200 dances.

In science class. The teacher asked Yingying: When is the best time to pick cherries? Yingying blushed and whispered, when no one is around!

A game is being eliminated, and the most useless person is dismissed. Suddenly, someone told Xiao Liu: "The secretary asked if you used the assessment form?" Liu Chong Jr. explained to the director, "I'm useless! I am really useless!

The traffic police said to the driver, "Where's your taillight?" The driver turned around and said in surprise, "Never mind the rear light, the key is where is my rear trailer?"

I received a letter from a guy yesterday, saying that he would kill me if I didn't leave his wife. If you leave his wife, you are finished! A: But that guy didn't sign the letter!

Do you know where God lives? In the bathroom. A: Why? Because every morning when I hear my father knocking on the toilet door, he always says,' God, why are you still in there?'

The story is simple. Go to the company in the morning, have a stomachache and go to the toilet. I found there was no paper. There is no time to go back to the office to get the paper. I noticed that the single door of the men's room next door was unlocked, and there was wrapped paper in the place where the paper was put. There was no one around, so I rushed in, knocked down the door, took the paper and ran. Who knows, I heard it inside, ouch, a sound.

Later, I heard that a boy in the office was hit by a door when he went to the toilet, and the paper was taken away until someone came in to save him. . .

According to my mother, when I was a child, I was called a hospitable person. Once an uncle came to my house, and I felt I had to be entertained. So, I didn't serve tea or water. I picked a big apple and chewed it off (I didn't peel it when I was a child) and gave it to my uncle. . . So he kept holding it awkwardly, eating, not eating, not eating, and taking it away when he left. .

The joke I heard from my father is that my father is a teacher and his colleagues are also teachers. We are a small county, and many students who are basically self-taught work in their own cities. This is the first background. .

The consequences of drunk driving being investigated by the police are very serious, so if many people in our place are stopped by the police, they would rather leave the car and run by themselves and come back for the car the next day. This is background two. .

One day, my dad's colleague had a drink and was stopped by the traffic police while driving in the street. He is afraid of being punished. He opened the door and ran away. He is also a PE teacher, confident that no one can outrun him, thinking that he has finally escaped. As a result, his mobile phone received a call, and the traffic police turned out to be his student. . Teacher, stop running. I know you. . . So go home. . .

When I was a child, I was shy and introverted. Once my grandmother took me to a neighbor's house to play, and I suddenly felt that a mighty airflow was about to come out (I just wanted to put P), but how could it be indecent in public? In desperation, I came up with a good idea: shouting at the top of my lungs to cover up the sound of exhaust. Obviously, this is not gc. Just when I started to implement my clever plan, it came. At that time, I was still young, and I couldn't skillfully control the synchronization speed of chrysanthemum and mouth. .......

I remember when I was a child, when I was in primary school, I still used pencils at that time. There seems to be no active pencil. Pencils will become dull after a while and will be thick. Sometimes, I will find a piece of paper to smooth and continue to use it (I don't know if it is a personal habit or something else).

Once, I rubbed the last page of a book with a pencil, and the whole paper was black, and then I forgot.

One day, I caught a cold and suddenly had a runny nose. I tore a piece of paper from my notebook and wiped it. As you should have guessed, my whole nose, including my nose and cheeks, is all black. I don't know. I don't know how long it took. The girl in the front row turned to ask me questions. She was startled and let out a cry. As a result, the whole class turned to look at me and I ...

I don't know if it's funny or not. It's really embarrassing.

According to a colleague, children in rural areas have never been to kindergarten before going to primary school, and they don't know how to do problems and so on. It is said that this buddy has just been in the first grade for a few days, and the teacher is very convincing. How many pieces of sugar is one piece of sugar and two pieces of sugar? The child raised his hand high and was honored to be called to the blackboard by the teacher. He raised his naive little head and asked the teacher, "Where's the sugar?"

I said, big brother, how greedy are you?

I like playing football since I was a child. One day in physical education class, we played a game. Because it was very hot in summer, and because I was young and didn't care so much at that time, I took off my clothes and went to the next class. When the teacher came in, he was unhappy to see many people in the room with bare arms, but he didn't say anything. At the end of the class, the teacher pointed at me and said, "I will put up with you for one class. Even if the boys are naked, you should follow the light." After that, the room was restless. I admit I'm a little fat. Now you can have Acup, and your hair is long, but it can't be regarded as a woman. From then on, I began to cut my hair.

My mother is a kind-hearted person, and often buys some small things at the stalls set up by laid-off workers or old ladies.

One day, I went out shopping and my newly bought leather shoes were a little dirty. Actually, I can go home and get a cloth to wipe it. My mother had to find an old lady who shined shoes in the street. Hardly had she sat down when the chengguan came.

The old lady quickly picked up the living box and the small bench where she sat, and ran away, forgetting the bench under my mother's ass.

When GC came, I saw my mother stand up quickly, put the small bench under her arm, and then ran with the old lady.

So, everyone saw an old lady in rags walking on the road with a shoeshine tool, followed by a middle-aged woman with a small bench and very bright clothes, and then several inexplicable urban management officers chased after her, but one of them was still laughing.

Finally, after the old lady ran away with my mother, my mother returned the small bench to someone else.

Mom said that people's life is hard and it is not easy to make a living. We must help people protect their means of livelihood.

Li Bai predicted thousands of years ago that 360 would defeat Tencent:

Tang poetry: exorcising ghosts

Author: Li Bai

What is the peak of the three mountains and five mountains?

Who is the hero in Liuhe 1,

Zero is too proud,

Will gather hundreds of millions of cloth dragons,

I believe Gankun will receive the sun and the moon,

Destroy those charming children,

It has been nine days since I came to worship.

The news reached the eighteenth floor of hell.

In the morning, you eat fried dough sticks at the stall, and the urban management will collect the money from the stall. You don't care if you take the money, and you don't drive it away. The young man said to the urban management: Look at the stall opposite. If you want to drive him away, I will give you 200 yuan a month. . .

A friend reported a trip to Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand, so he made an international call. 10086 asked how much it was.

Friend: Hello, I'd like to ask how much it costs to make a domestic call to Xinmatai.

10086: Are you talking about foreign countries?

Friend: Yes.

10086: Is it a new old horse, the Thailand of Mount Tai?

Friend: Yes. ....

10086: Please wait a moment. . . Music ing .....

10086: Hello, sorry to have kept you waiting.

Friend: Oh, that's all right.

10086: Sorry, I didn't find the new Matai country you mentioned.

Friend: Dizzy. ..

Dad went to Guizhou on business, and I followed.

On the way, the car stalled, and my dad and I got off to check the situation. I suspected that there was no gas, so I opened the tank cover. It's dark and I can't see clearly. When my head was short-circuited, HLL took out my cute little Z, lit it, and was about to look inside. BH's father slapped me and flew me away. .......

Dude goes to school in Japan. Last summer, his mother celebrated her 50th birthday ~ He pretended to be B and said he wouldn't go home, so he secretly bought a plane ticket to surprise her!

This is the background. . . . . . .

After he came home, he lived in various places for half a month, and hll went home on his birthday night. Here comes gc. The house is locked. . . And no keys. . . Later, neighbors told him that his mother hll 15 had traveled to Europe. . . He was left alone in the wind, in a mess. . .

A pair of female twins and a pair of male twins got married.

Followed by two replies:

1, wrong bed at the meeting.

2. It doesn't matter if you are wrong. Anyway, the original genes are the same, and paternity test is inseparable.

I had an English class two days ago, and the teacher had something to do temporarily, so I found a very young teacher to replace me. As a rule, the whole class didn't preview, so they fell asleep in class. Finally, the teacher couldn't go on, and began to sigh with emotion: "Some people went to college and exercised every day. After four years, they were still in good health. Some people went to college, studied hard and got a good job four years later. Some people go to college, fall in love every day, and settle down after four years. What can you get by sleeping every day? " At this time, I was reading a novel and picked up a sentence casually: good attitude.

I remember when I was in college, I was walking with my classmates ... Suddenly I saw a beautiful woman with "waist" and "long hair" wearing sexy clothes ... Out of my usual habit ... I quickly went forward and patted the woman on the shoulder and said, "Beauty, leave your phone number and make friends!"

Who knows, when the beauty turned around ... I saw GF's familiar face ... and looked at her angry face ... I quickly said, "Wife, don't take it seriously."

My wife also took a look at me ... walking quickly behind a boy in front ... patted the man on the shoulder and said, "Handsome guy, leave your phone number and make friends!" " !

Here comes gc ...

The man said more firmly, "How much is it?"

Left a face of black lines and a group of classmates laughing wildly. .....

A man in the dormitory, nicknamed Viagra, always keeps all kinds of cold medicine. Yesterday, a buddy in the dormitory came to eat some snacks, but today it's actually much better. Just now, when we met in the canteen, the buddy greeted him warmly: "Your viagra medicine is really good!" " Before I could have a conversation, countless MM turned their heads and looked at us contemptuously! ! !

FML = Fuck my life, hilarious and embarrassing events:

I took bus No.536 yesterday, opposite my mother-in-law. I couldn't help noticing that she was very uncomfortable. Then she looked at me, and then she threw up. The car can't stop during the rush hour, so I have to stick my head out of the window. After a while, I turned my head and glanced at my mother-in-law. Who knows, she threw up again. I'm dying. Am I that ugly? FML

Many people are particularly crowded today! There is a very lovely girl next to her. Kawaii is texting. I accidentally took a look and found that she wrote, "There are many people on the bus today, which is very crowded." After a while, I remembered something and laughed to myself. After a while, I didn't mean to look back and saw this girl continue to write "There is still an SB standing next to me" ... FML

Frankly speaking, I'm a bit horny and often pretend to be mature in front of my boyfriend. Yesterday, I rode a bike with my boyfriend. I was burying my head in my bag. The conductor came to sell tickets and said to my boyfriend, where are we going? Is it with this little friend? My boyfriend wants to know. I looked up and the conductor was looking at me with concern! ! After getting off the bus, my boyfriend's insidious smile stopped. From then on, he began to call me ~ little friend! ~~FML！

Last night, I met a foreign net friend and had dinner together. In a small restaurant, I enthusiastically introduced him to various flavors of Chongqing. I suddenly remembered a very special one, so I recommended it and promised to try it. Call the waiter, I said very gently and politely ~ Miss, please have a glass of beer .. The netizen suddenly looks like ~FML! ! !

At school, I often buy a box of yogurt to drink in class in the morning class. Once a girl sitting next to me was also drinking yogurt, and I remembered the advertisement "Do you have bacteriostatic factors?" I wanted to use it to strike up a conversation, so I blurted out without thinking, "Do you really have antibacterial sperm?" FML

Gf fell passionately on the bed and suddenly received a phone call from a friend, asking him why he called him so many times but didn't talk every time. So, it was a tragedy to find that the mobile phone was automatically dialed n times after being crushed and vowed never to use the slide phone again. I'm still wondering if my friends heard something they shouldn't have heard. FML

I talked to the girl I like on the phone at night, and she broke up with her boyfriend in tears. It's so painful now ~ I put down the phone and ran out to buy a plane ticket, stayed at the airport for one night, flew from Beijing to Wuxi the next morning, and then transferred to Suzhou by train ~ When I arrived at her hotel in Suzhou at noon, I saw her and her boyfriend walking into the hotel hand in hand when I entered the door ~FML

Go to Chongming on Saturday, drink from noon to night, and go back to the hotel to sleep at midnight. A buddy insists on squeezing the bed. It's a bird, so squeeze it. Just after sleeping for 5 minutes, my buddy suddenly said, "Anus X?" . Suddenly spit out three or two blood. Carefully protect the chrysanthemum until dawn. In the middle of the night, the guy threw up twice and threw up on the bed. . .

I like you. Do you like me?

"like"

"Let's fall in love."

"no"

"Why?"

"My husband will hit me."

"..............!"

Last night, my girlfriend and I spent a passionate night in bed. GF screams in the morning. I got up and saw a piece of red on the sheets. At that time, I thought, "It's not the first time. How can it be?" Then I found that my DD was broken. Those "reds" are mine. . . . . FML！