Collecting jokes, my boyfriend's mother is ill and I want to send her some jokes to make her happy. It should be appropriate and not messy.

1 Give you a gift with the heaviest amount of feces since there was feces. You will eat a catty and be full. Help yourself if you feel that the amount of feces is not enough!

2 vital capacity self-test tips: bend your head and suck hard after farting, and then observe whether people around you smell strange smell. If so, you must strengthen your exercise according to this method; If not, then prove that you are superman!

A man went shopping and had to pee in the corner. The old lady looked at it and said that she would be fined five yuan for urinating and urinating anywhere. Who said I peed? Can't I show it?

A new overseas travel route, the seven-day tour of Afghanistan, was grandly launched: living in a cave, learning bomb-making and escape skills, and the lucky ones had the opportunity to take photos with bin Laden as a souvenir.

5 love is in arrears, love has stopped, and fate is not in the service area; It's painful to think about it, and it's sad to think about it. When will I pay for it and turn it on again? Horizontal approval: dreams come true

At the water-splashing festival, a man suddenly cursed: Who the fuck spilled me? People advise: it is a blessing to vote for you. Bitch: Come on, which idiot threw boiling water at me?

7 jumping instructions: go to the seventh floor, gasp to the sixth floor, struggle to the fifth floor, be disabled to the fourth floor, be hospitalized to the third floor, frighten to the second floor and watch the excitement to the first floor.

That day, you cut a pig with a knife, and the pig fled into a dead end, only to hear the pig kneel down and beg for mercy from you: "We were born from the same root, so why fry each other!" "

Warning: Your mobile phone has undergone drastic internal changes due to overload and is about to explode. After reading this tip, please leave it in the empty space immediately. ...

10 Please call 1 10 for free to win a 15-day value-added tour and arrange a shuttle bus. The top ten will be sent to the detention center for a group photo, and 10,000 people will be massaged with their fists.

1 1 Four ideals of men: if money falls from the sky, all beautiful men will die. The beauty is out of her mind, crying for me to soak.

12 You already owe me a hug after reading this message; Delete this message and owe me a kiss; Save this message and owe me an appointment; If you reply, you owe me everything; If you don't reply, you are mine.

13 Congratulations on winning the grand prize. Please come to the People's Bank of China with sabre, shotgun and soil cannon at 10 this evening.

14 men are semi-finished products 20, finished products 30, fine products 40, best products 50, top products 60, waste products 70 and souvenirs 80.

15 horses jump when they are coquettish, donkeys bark when they are coquettish, men become warped when they are coquettish, and women seek when they are coquettish. The most coquettish one kept laughing at the phone.

16 A nun went to the hospital for a B-ultrasound, and the careless nurse gave her a pregnant woman's test sheet. After reading it, the nun sighed and said, "These days, even carrots are unreliable."

17 the man is not bad, a little abnormal; Men are not coquettish, they are bastards. Men don't care, they are absolutely nervous; Men are not hooligans, and their development is abnormal.

18 everyone is awake and I am drunk alone. It is most precious to have a heart. I don't regret meeting true feelings and true love, and this life is only for you (the secret is in the fifth word of every sentence)

Do you still remember me Once we climbed a cliff and you accidentally fell. I quickly asked you, "Are you hurt?" You said in a panic, "I don't know … it's not over yet!" " "

:23

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!"

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" " "

Comrades, that's enough for today. We are all big bowls! )

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. ...

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story.

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report: "rabbit, shrimp, pig tail!" No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! "

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

The coach said, "Class One kills chickens, Class Two steals eggs, and I'll cook porridge for you."

One kind of shooting, the other kind of bombing. Let me show you. )

Wo Chun, I'm stupid.

Mume smells flowers, I have no culture.

I hate the bottom, I have a low IQ,

If you hear me lying like water, ask me who I am.

Eduardo Chun Lv. A big donkey.

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is as green as a daisy. I am an asshole.

Confessions of a network administrator

At present, 98% of Internet cafe guests are idiots, who can't turn on a computer, switch input methods, convert letters into uppercase and lowercase letters, log in without a private server, open QQ voice, enter the game and never quit. I really want to crush him, knead it into a ball, twist it into a twist, fry it in the oil pan, and then take it out.

Voice chat won't turn on MIC, saying that the headset in the internet cafe is broken.

Watching movies is not Mandarin!

Ask me: "stationmaster, do you have porn?" I said no, he blamed the film for being incomplete!

QQ can't log in and say the machine is not good! Lao Tzu ran over and saw that the password was wrong, so he asked me what the password was! ! ! !

There is also a more powerful chick who took a video of an unknown netizen, called me over and asked me who the person in the video was! ! !

Faint, I still have this ability! ! ! ! ! ! !

Hit a CS, someone put smoke bombs. He was flashed and shouted: the network management collapsed. ...

The day before yesterday, an idiot MM QQ chatted and asked me how to type. I asked her, can't you type? She said yes. I said, just type (and help her adjust the input method) and call me later. Say: stationmaster, why can't I type? I said you can't call what you want, and she told me: you call "hello" first, and I'll help her. Then you know what she said. Don't go. Sit next to me and help me type. It looks like a dinosaur. Today, an idiot asked me why there are no QQ coins here. Please help me download some QQ coins ... * *, if that thing can be downloaded ~! I don't have to fucking go to work.

When the school began to call the roll, a class teacher was ingenious and said to the students, "I'll read the student number, so you can give your own names and get to know each other, okay?"

"No.0065438 +0!"

"Teacher, my name is Jiao and my name is Jiao Pei." The teacher was a little dizzy and asked, "Who gave this to you?"

"My dad." "What does your father do?"

"Open a pig farm!"

"No.002!"

A girl stood up and said, "Teacher, my name is Zhang and my name is Zhang Dekai."

"No.003!"

"Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother. My name is Zhang. "Who gave you this name?"

"It's my dad. He sells pliers. " The teacher quickly took a sip of water.

"No.004!"

"Report teacher, my name is Qu (pronounced" ou "), and my name is Qu Ye (oh yeah). This is the name my mother gave me. She said that when she gave birth to me, a computer game exploded. " The teacher felt a little uncomfortable.

"No.005!"

"Report to the teacher, foster mother!" "How do you call names? ! "

"no! Teacher, I mean my last name is Gan, and my name is foster mother. My father makes wine. " The teacher took a pill.

006! "

"Teacher, my surname is Gou, and I am told to ignore it."

"Your dad is a steamed stuffed bun shop? ! "

"Teacher, you are so smart!" The teacher has been a little shaken.

"No.007!"

"My name is Kuai (read fast, send the third sound. ) This is called goods. "

"Don't tell me your father runs a warehouse."

"Teacher, you are too old-fashioned. My father is a pimp. " Blood oozed from the teacher's mouth.

"No.008!"

"Teacher, go to hell!" "What? what did you say ? /Excuse me? ! "

"I mean, my name is Ni, and I'm going to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist. Is my name interesting? "

"Interesting, interesting." The teacher is about to cry.

"No.009!"

"Teacher, let's talk about it next time." "Why do you want to say it next time, you say it now!"

"no! Teacher, my surname is Xia, and my name is Xia Huishuo. My father is a storyteller. " The teacher felt dizzy.

"0 10! "

"Teacher, my last name is Gao."

"My name is Mei, and my name is Mei Conscience."

"My name is Wu, and my name is Kate."

"My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong." …………

The teacher turned to the sky and growled, "God, I met a group of students!" " "The teacher spurted blood and fell to the ground.

Thief's spirit

1, I got on the bus and didn't bring anything except the bus fare of 1. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, I feel very calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "An adult goes out without anything, and it's no shame to lose it." Thief company. "

The second time, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession, thank you. -thief company. "

I broke my wallet for the third time, and it contained counterfeit money of 100. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large denomination counterfeit banknotes. Please consciously hand it over to the relevant departments. Thank you. -thief company. "

The fourth time, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make such jokes and affect the normal work of our company, thank you. -thief company. "

The fifth time, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my pants: "I hate you robbers most, you have no technical content at all!" " Confiscate the tools of crime! Thief company. "

The sixth time, I was about to get on the bus, and there were too many people to squeeze in. When waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 yuan, and there was a note: "Brother, our business is not easy this day. This is 20 yuan. Where do you want to take a taxi? Please don't mess with us again! " Thief company. "

So, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed hard! Press hard! Press faster than them! Louder than them!

They couldn't help looking over, and I glanced at them contemptuously on purpose! They changed their faces and gave me a hard look! I'll stare back at you right away!

They went on playing with a livid face, but the noise exceeded mine!

Would I want to? So, I beat the keyboard with my palm! Clap hard! Clap hard!

Those two guys stopped hitting hard at first sight and started hitting the keyboard! Louder than me again!

How can I stop? Knock on the keyboard with your fist at once! Hit hard! Hit hard!

The two men looked at each other and began to hit the keyboard! The noise has surpassed me again! I won't give up! Tear off the keyboard! Just throw it on the ground! I stepped on it hard Step hard!

Everyone in the internet cafe gave me the warmest applause! Those two non-mainstream idiots are at a loss!

However, under my provocative eyes, they are also angry! They also ripped off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and step on it! Then they looked at me defiantly!

At this time, the network management of the Internet cafe surrounded them! A webmaster looked at the keyboard trampled by them and slapped it in the face! Then the network management swarmed! Beat up two non-mainstream!

Finally, two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground, and one of them pointed at me weakly and asked, "Why didn't you ... hit him?"

A webmaster kicked him in the past: "People play CS and bring their own keyboards!"

Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a dark shadow passed by and Pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.

After chasing him out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......

A driver is driving a truck full of hens, teasing his parrot while driving. When a beautiful woman hitchhiked, the driver put the parrot and the hen together in the cargo box and invited the beautiful woman to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver tentatively asked the beauty, "May I kiss you?" The beauty shook her head shyly and said, "No". After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked, "Can you hug me?" The beauty still shook her head and said, "No."The driver said angrily, "If you can't, go down." After driving for a while, the driver felt that his behavior was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and invited the beautiful woman to get on the bus. But after a while, the driver asked, "May I kiss you?" Beauty still shook her head. "Can I have a hug?" Beauty still shook her head. "If you can't, go down." This was repeated three times, and finally I got to the chicken farm. The driver opened the suitcase and found that there were few hens in Miu Miu. Only the parrot mentioned a hen and asked, "Can a beautiful woman kiss me?" The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked, "Can you hug me?" The hen still shook her head. The parrot said, "If you can't, go down." The hen was thrown out of the car. ......

The little white rabbit met a wolf while walking in the forest. He came up and put two big ear stickers on the little white rabbit and said, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.

The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came up and gave the white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I told you to wear a hat."

Tutu is depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I see. I will handle this matter, so trust the organization." On the same day, the tiger found his partner wolf. "It is wrong for you to do so. It is very difficult for me. " Then he wiped the dust off the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found a thin one, and you said you wanted a fat one. So you can hit her. Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come and find me a woman. She found plump ones, and you said you liked slim ones. She found a slim one, and you said you liked the plump one. You can beat her. It is both reasonable and powerful. "The wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were heard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I hate this in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It's the big bad wolf coming. The wolf said, "Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat." Tutu said, "So, do you want to be fat or thin?" The wolf listened, his heart sank and he was happy again. He said, fortunately, there is a plan B. He added, "Tutu, Mary, find me a woman." Tutu asked, "So, do you like plump or slim?" The wolf was silent for 2 seconds and raised his hand to give Tutu two big ear stickers. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."

The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, eldest brother, you strangled me! It's fucking horrible. .....

one

A mental hospital heard that the leader would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital at the meeting.

The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and all the people will meet them at the door. Zaihuan

When greeting, all the patients stood on both sides of the hospital gate, standing neatly. As soon as I cough, everyone plays drums together.

Palm, the warmer the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready,

We can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, everyone has no buns to eat. Remember.

have you finished? "The patients in the audience shouted together:" Remember! "

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the popular patient was already standing at the door.

At that time, with the cough of the hospital dean, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. Visiting leaders

Infected by the warm atmosphere and with a smile on his face, he applauded and walked into the hospital with everyone. See the leader has entered the doctor.

When the hospital director stamped his foot, all the applause stopped and it was neat. Only this leader is still playing drums with a smile.

The dean felt very satisfied when he walked forward. Suddenly, a disease as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcome crowd.

People, strode to the front of the leadership, picking up Yuan gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily-"Your ya don't want to eat steamed stuffed bun? ! ! ! "

There are three people, competing marksmanship together, and a black man is holding something as a target.

The first man put an apple on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 10 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew his gun and said, I'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew the muzzle and said, I'm m007.

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man's head, and then raised his hand to smash the black man's head at a distance of 100 meters. He also blew the gun and said, I'm sorry ...

You can go as far as you want!

Men's lies can lie to women for one night, and women's lies can lie to men for a lifetime!

6. If you can't dress your woman in a wedding dress, don't stop you from unbuttoning her clothes!

7. Take the road of NB and let SB say it!

8. Water can carry a boat and cook porridge!

9. Zi said in Sichuan, "How nice it is to have a boat!"

10. Driving is not difficult, but there are new people!

.............

1. We want a small MM and irrigate it with * * *; I irrigate the head of the Yangtze River and you irrigate the tail of the Yangtze River.

2. Love at first sight, then decline and finally run out.

3. A person is not lonely, but when he misses someone.

4. Life is simple. Live, relax. Life is not easy.

If you can see my back, I think it must be very sad, because I left all my happiness in front!

6. Work QQ, refuse to chat, speak forcefully, and every word is gross; Punctuation marks, half price, 1000 words or more, 20% off; Emoticon picture, ten-month subscription, audio and video, not yet opened; Pay first and then chat, chat as soon as the payment arrives, pay online and provide invoices; Free monthly rent, single charge, weekend, business as usual; Wanted criminal ``'

2. The garden can't be closed in spring. I'm pulling apricots from the wall.

Do you think I'll watch you die? I close my eyes.

6. I regard money as dirt, and my father regards me as a cesspit. (recommended by Lyra)

7. I drown my sorrows in wine, but I learned to swim in this damn pain.

I am not a casual person, but I am not a casual person.

I am in Jianghu, but there is no legend about me in Jianghu. ...

4. Take other people's road and let others have no way out.

I'd rather believe in ghosts than men's broken mouths!

1. Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible.

2. The one riding a white horse is not necessarily a prince, he may be a Tang priest; Not necessarily an angel with wings-mother said it was a bird man.

3. Time is the same as cleavage. There is still room for squeezing.

There is no room for two tigers in one mountain unless there is a male and a female.

Never treat the animals that are still dead after bleeding for a week lightly. ...

6. I, a college student's life goal: peasant woman, mountain spring, a little field.

7. Women remember: Be sure to eat, play, sleep and drink well. Once exhausted, other women spend our money, live in our rooms, sleep with our husbands, pick up our boyfriends and beat our babies.

Announcement of QQ group "handsome boy village"

1. In spring, I buried myself in the land at the entrance of the village. In autumn, I got many handsome guys. Then I changed the name of the village to "handsome boy village", and I became the village head as I wished.

The problem with chocolate is that if you eat it, it will disappear.

Don't wait until everyone says you are ugly to find out that you are really ugly.

If my friends can sell them for five dollars each, I can make a small fortune.

7. A big belly is not terrible. The terrible thing is that it is unexpectedly big.

8. The biggest advantage of blind date is that if there are problems in marriage in the future, you can put the blame on the matchmaker.

9. Women show their generosity first, but men dare not be stingy.

10. Living in bed, dying in bed, wanting to live and die, is also in bed.

Anya's QQ signature

1. Wizard, please tell the princess that I am still on my way, and there are snow-capped mountains, rivers, dragons and beautiful women ... Tell her to go back to sleep!

My lover is a stunning beauty, and one day she will marry me on a fire-breathing dinosaur. However, at the end of the story, I only saw her mount, but I didn't see its owner.

1. A tree will die if it is not skinned. People are shameless and invincible in the world.

2. Do everything, do everything. (Dai Jianwei)

The real meaning of the iron rice bowl is not to have food in one place, but to have food everywhere all your life. (Samui)

4. Sao belongs to Sao, and Sao has Sao Zhen; Cheap means cheap, and cheap has cheap dignity.

If eating more fish can make people smart, then I must have eaten at least one pair of whales.

6. Success in life lies not in getting a good deck of cards, but in how to play the bad ones well.

Appeared at the age of 7.0, and 10 is improving every day. 20-year-old dream, 30-year-old effort. At the age of 40, it is basically oriented, and at the age of 50, it is full of popularity. Playing mahjong at the age of 60 and wandering around at the age of 70. 80-year-old lesbians are very common, and 90-year-old lesbians are hanging on the wall!

8. When you were born, you cried and everyone laughed; When you left, you smiled and everyone cried.

9. Stand higher and pee farther.

10. Wear other people's shoes, go your own way and let others find it.

1 1. After several decades, we will meet again, send them to the crematorium, burn them all to ashes, and send them all to the countryside to be used as fertilizer.

1. You can't have both.

An expert looks at the door, while a layman looks at the sidewalk.

3. There are no roadside wildflowers, step on them!

Piano, chess, painting and calligraphy are not good, and washing and cooking are too tiring.

Give me a girl and I can create a country.

Ugly girls are more troublesome, and black buns are more delicious.

Tell you, the teacher is very angry now, and the consequences are very serious (after his n-th blind date failed).

Maybe it seems so, but not necessarily.

What you have said can be counted, and people you like have to change every day.

Three people are full in the morning, noon and evening, and six people pour before and after meals.

1. midnight 12 logout! Otherwise, the princess will become Cinderella again.

2. Hello, is this China Mobile? This is China Unicom. My PHS is broken. Can you send China Tietong to repair it?

3. I am an academician of the Institute of Advanced Diving, Chinese Academy of Sciences, and I have lost the Nobel Prize for a long time, and I won the Oscar Award for Lifetime Stealth. ...

Don't worry, I have no appetite when I see you, let alone sexual desire!

6. Although sleeping naked, plug and play ...

7. Split up-do you want a piece of the action?

8. God said, "Let there be light." I said, "No!" So we spent the night.

9. I pinned Konka's TV remote control on my waistband and pretended to buy a new Nokia mobile phone.

10. I think I would like it if I came later in the morning.

1. I can't give you happiness, but I can comfort you!

2. Life is so fucking interesting, because life always fucking plays with me.

3. Buddha said: "Looking back 500 times in the past life, you have to pass once in this life." I would rather pass the world by 500 times in my life.

The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I rolled my eyes with them.

7. I want to puppy love, but it's too late. ...

A couple of lovers were caught by a savage in the mountains and said that you would let you go if you ate each other's shit. The lover did it. On the way home, the woman cried. The man asked her why, and the woman said sadly, you don't love me, otherwise you won't pull so much!