Funny jokes in WeChat Moments: If anyone dares to disturb my homework again, I will play with him

1. You said you were always behind me, so did you pick up the money I dropped last time?

2. Heaven has not given me any great responsibilities, but it still tortures my mind and strains my muscles and bones.

3. I am no longer a little girl who will be impressed by one or two caring text messages. At least I have to give a red envelope.

4. If I had known that life would be so difficult, I should not have competed for first place in that swimming competition 20 years ago.

5. The meaning of a holiday is a morning when you can't afford it, a late night when you can't sleep, and a day when you can't go out.

6. After washing your hair, even if you don't go out, you should take a few selfies, otherwise it won't be in vain.

7. The teacher said, students, don’t fall in love prematurely. What you are talking about now will be other people’s wives in the future. When I heard it, I thought, damn, someone else’s wife, it’s exciting just thinking about it.

8. You have no choice but to pamper someone like me.

9. Meeting you has wiped out all my luck, and I will never have the chance to get the multiple choice question right again.

10. I asked my deskmate: If Jack Ma gave you 100 million to eat a piece of Xiang, would you do it? Deskmate: I’m not bragging, I can bankrupt Jack Ma.

11. Someone asked me what is the number one beauty in my hometown? I answered: It's me.

12. Air purifiers are the most pretentious household appliances I have ever seen, especially like those of us pretending to listen to lectures in the classroom.

13. Don't hang yourself from one tree, try several nearby trees.

14. When you feel sleepy after doing homework and want to sleep, tell yourself: That is your memorial, that is your country, and those are your people. Then I wake up instantly and I will be a wise king!

15. If anyone dares to disturb my homework again, I will play with him.

16. My girlfriend is beautiful, handsome, well-behaved, innocent, brilliant, romantic, kind, cute, slim, smart, watery, elegant, sexy, diligent, exquisite, lively, innocent, selfless, pure, and filial. Doesn’t she have any shortcomings? One of her shortcomings is that she likes to play mysteries. In my eighteen years of life, she has never appeared once

17. If I don’t say it, you don’t understand. This is the distance. If I say it, you don’t understand either. It just means you are stupid.

18. The story of Meng’s mother moving three times actually shows that she had a good son. If it were me, it would be useless to move a hundred times!

19. Any beauty you are praised for has traces of PS.

20. The final review for top students before the exam is called checking for omissions and filling in vacancies, for those who are average, it is called Jingwei filling up the sea, for those who are close, it is called Nuwa mending the sky, and for me, it is called creating the world.

21. Don't spend your best and youngest years being a fat guy who can only play with mobile phones.

22. My cousin is only 9 years old, but he is very good at playing computers. He met a girl while playing games. He called his wife online every day. One day he told me that his wife wanted him to add money to buy him equipment, so he dumped her, saying that she was too bad at running a house! I instantly felt that I was not on the same level as him!

23. Do you have a partner? I can't afford one elephant, let alone a pair.

24. Attention everyone, some experts pointed out: If your mobile phone is out of battery at night, you must remember to charge it, otherwise you will not be able to poop the next morning.

25. People are bound to make mistakes, otherwise the right path will be overcrowded.

26. If you get married in the future and the groom is not me, I will move next door to you and be a quiet Laowang.

27. I am fat to appear thin to you; lest I become thin and appear ugly to you.

28. The three most confusing sentences in class: Why are you reading? Look at the blackboard! Why are you looking at the blackboard? Look at me! What are you looking at me for? Read a book!

29. Why are we quarreling? Can't we just sit down and stab each other calmly?

30. Xiao Ming did not do well in the exam. When he came home, his father saw him and beat him severely. He went to complain to his mother and said: What will you do if someone beats your son? The mother immediately replied: I will beat whoever hits my son. Tell me, who hit you? The son said: It's okay, I'll just ask.

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Classic funny quotes on WeChat: I can’t tell you what’s good about you, I just want to see you take a shower

Funny quotes in Moments with pictures: Teacher, just tell any parent you like, don’t hold parent-teacher meetings all the time, I’m sorry, I won’t bother you anymore

Many people suddenly stopped contacting you,

He Zhongbu It has nothing to do with the importance, but it has something to do with the need.

We must admit the principle of people leaving when the tea is cold.

Even if the departure is short, leaving is just leaving.

Not everyone will look back. Waiting for you where you are.

When you care, you don’t even care about yourself.

I don’t care anymore, I can’t even care about myself.

What difference does it make if you don’t care?

Aren’t they all working hard without caring about themselves?

Love is conditional, and the condition is that you love me too.

Otherwise, what qualifications do you have to enjoy my dedication?

Speaking of the afterlife,

Then your fate in this life will be broken.

Some things have nothing to do with responsibility.

Once upon a time, that may have been just your wishful thinking.

Flowers bloom and fall, just to bear fruit.

We have to face it calmly, good or bad,

Because that is what you were pursuing at one time,

But you may be disappointed in the end.

Maybe the good night everyone says to you will seem more heart-warming.

There are many people saying good night to you.

Maybe the word "good night" has been given the meaning of "I love you",

That makes good night more special.

But the number of people who can give you good morning every morning,

will never exceed 2,

Even if the literal meaning of good morning is not so gorgeous,

But the person who says good morning to you must love you very much. Funny jokes about poisonous chicken soup in WeChat Moments

1. If being rich is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.

2. I never knew how natural it was to let nature take its course, but I knew how realistic reality was.

3. For a man, it’s not scary to be poor, nor to show off, but the most terrifying thing is to be poor and show off.

4. Believe it if you believe it, don’t believe it if you don’t believe it, and give it to the whole fucking WeChat.

5. I love you sincerely, but telling you is a big adventure.

6. Checking the time in bed every morning is not to get up, but to see how much longer you can sleep.

7. Never take advantage of small things, if you want to take advantage, take advantage of big things.

8. The world belongs to us and our sons, but ultimately it belongs to the grandchildren.

9. Smart people are all unmarried, and it is difficult for married people to become smart again!

10. You do art, and I do you. This is called in-depth art.

11. Women are trouble, and men like to cause trouble.

12. Whether you are stupid or not depends mainly on whether you can pretend to be stupid.

13. Women use stockings to conquer men, and men use stockings to conquer banks!

14. Don’t drag yourself in front of me, the blacklist will tell you that it will be more exciting with you!

15. Whoever delays me for a while, I will make him regret it for the rest of his life.

16. Men are not bad, women do not love them, and men are not lustful. They are just for decoration.

17. Talking about money doesn’t hurt feelings, but talking about feelings hurts money the most.

18. Only women and heroes have trouble, only wives and jobs are hard to find.

19. Either be tolerant or cruel. If I don’t beat you, you don’t know that I am both civil and military.

20. If you have a good life, I am happy for you; if you have a bad life, I am happy for the whole world.

21. I will work hard to realize my dreams to make up for the bragging I did when I was a child.

22. If you treat women as clothes, you will run naked sooner or later.

23. What women are good at is just makeup, but what men are good at is disguise.

24. What makes a great person is not how many people are behind him, but how many people he can support.

25. True love is like UFO, we have only heard of it, but no one has seen it.

26. Maturity is mostly prude, while childishness is the true temperament.

27. When God closes a door for you, he will release a dog for you. Funny jokes in WeChat Moments

1. It’s raining and the room is too hot. You want to go out and soak in the rain for a while. But after you go out, the light rain immediately turns into heavy rain. What will you do? Ordinary young man: Uh... Go back to the house and change clothes. Literary young man: God cried even more when he saw me so pitiful. 213 young people shouted: You did it on purpose! As a result he was struck by lightning.

One day, a professor went up the mountain to exercise and knocked down a killer. The killer said: For five hundred dollars a bullet, I can kill a person for you. The professor recently discovered that something was wrong with his wife, so he took a look at his home with a telescope and saw his wife taking off her clothes and lying on the bed, next to his neighbor. The professor said: Just do them both. The killer said: Okay, where do you want to hit them. The professor said: My wife likes to nag, so you should hit her in the mouth. As for my neighbor, you should hit his penis! So the killer took a stance and prepared to shoot, but after a long time, he did nothing. The professor asked: Why didn't you shoot? The killer said: Shh, I'm saving you five hundred dollars.

2. I picked up 20 yuan on the bus today. Another person also saw it and insisted on sharing it equally with me. I had no choice but to share it. When I was buying breakfast, I found that the 20 yuan was Mine...

3. Woman: "Am I your magic horse?" Science man: "You are my formula!" Woman: "Huh? So I am the formula... "Science and engineering man: "Jiang Zi, I can deduce it for you!"...

4. A girl sat next to me on the bus with a dog. I looked at the dog and it looked at me. I was looking at it and it looked at me. Then I became excited and kept staring at it. It kept staring at it. Suddenly the girl said that you two know each other.

5. My wife returned to her parents’ home, and I was the only one in the house. Late at night, I was suddenly awakened by a banging sound. When I listened carefully, I couldn't help but feel horrified. The sound came from the next door. The room next door was empty and no one had lived in it. It was said that the neighbor who lived next door wanted to move in two years ago, but before they could move, someone died in the house. At this time, I just felt like the ghosts from a hundred horror movies I had watched were rushing towards me. I shivered and covered my head with the quilt, and could not sleep well all night. When I woke up in the morning and opened the door, I was shocked. I saw my wife with dark circles under her eyes, holding her swollen right hand, standing at the door and yelling at me, "You bastard, you don't answer the phone when I call you, and you don't open the door when I knock on the door. What do you want to do?!"

6. Two losers smell worse than their feet. The one who said if I take off my shoes all ran away. The other one chuckled and said leisurely: If I take off my shoes, no one can run away.

7. The teacher of the human resources management class at the university is a woman. During today’s class, she said: “When I was working as a human resources manager in a company, the old employees couldn’t be taken care of, and the young ones were too young. It's so fierce, I can't stand it anymore..." The students who were listening carefully burst into laughter, and I admitted that I was evil. (First time posting, please ask.)

One day, I asked a classmate: "What was XXX (another classmate in the class) in his previous life?" "Pig." "What about you?" "Human" ." "A person would not be a human in his previous life." "If it is a god, then you are still a god now."

< p> 8. A tourist came back from a trip to Mexico and told his friend his adventure story: "It's so scary! You can't even imagine it: there are Indians on the right, Indians on the left, and Indians in front. , and even the Indians caught up behind me.

"Then what did you do?" "What can I do? I have to buy a woolen quilt they recommended." ”

9. The dry and cold in the north is a physical attack, and you can easily defend it by wearing more clothes; the wet and cold in the south is a magical attack, no matter how much clothes you wear, it is useless, you must be resistant!

10. Damn it, I can’t sleep! There is a mosquito buzzing around. My son is only five months old and I don’t dare to light the mosquito coil. I can only watch to prevent my son from being bitten and then secretly remove the quilt from my husband. Open it, hoping to feed it. I'm sorry, husband, am I very bad^_^

11. My boyfriend was playing Dota and ignored his girlfriend. She took the initiative to talk to him and he replied. He said, "I lost all night. My girlfriend said it was because you ignored me. I only know that God won't let you win in Dota." My girlfriend asked, "What should I do next?" My boyfriend replied, playing computer mode with his gay friend. Wash away the shame!

12. A college student studying tour guide visited the museum with several friends. In the ancient weapons exhibition room, he explained various weapons to his friends and said with excitement, "This is. "It was used to siege cities in ancient times," he said, pointing to a strange-shaped wooden frame. "Soldiers would lean it against the city wall and climb up to attack the city." "At this time, the administrator of the museum came over and said apologetically, "This is not a display piece. It was put together by the carpenter for us to clean the glass. ”

13. A girl loves little rabbits very much. She bought one and kept it every day. One day I looked at the rabbit and said, “Isn’t this rabbit almost ready?” Let's eat spicy rabbit meat..." MM said loudly: "How dare you! I'll gain weight later..."

14. When we walked out of the airport, the airline was crying. People were dumbfounded to see such a beautiful boy crying. The high-speed rail ignored the opinions of others. She glanced at him, grabbed him, and said fiercely: "If you cry again, I will kiss you in public. The airline cried even harder: "It's so hard to be on time. We can't arrive in Beijing at the same time!" "Idiot, I knew you were late, and the power went out while I was driving!" "

15. One person doing it is called masturbating, two people doing it is called masturbating. One person going to bed is called sleeping, and two people sleeping is called going to bed. One person's happiness is called loneliness, and two people's loneliness is called happiness. One person Being in love is called being in love, and being in love with two people is called being in love.

16. Reporter: Senior Po Meng, they all say that your soup is the most effective "love-forgetting water" in the world, but you give it away for free. Isn’t it a big loss? It’s a big loss! In the commercial era, where can I get it for free? I’ve already priced it—Wangqing Shuizhuang Mengpo Soup, authentic flavor, great effect! In addition, Naihe Bridge is advertising for rent, and interested parties will be interviewed.

17. The shortest science fiction story in the world: The last man on earth was alone in a room, and then he remembered the knock on the door. The shortest love story in the world: Old man, I will never regret following you in my life. The shortest ghost story in the world: I played rock, paper, scissors in front of the mirror, and I actually won. The shortest dirty joke in the world: Godfather, I still have it. Yes!

18. Let’s continue posting about the incident of climbing over the wall to access the Internet. Our junior high school is a private school, next to ordinary residents. When I went to the Internet with my classmate (fat guy), I climbed over and stepped on it first. The guy jumped off the roof of the house next door. The fat man was behind him for a while before he came over. I heard a faint crash. When the fat man came out, I asked what was going on. He said it was okay. He seemed to have stepped on something soft. At that time, he I didn't care and went out to play all night. The next day, the aunt next door scolded me in the school square: Who trampled my pig to death!

19. Husbands! A classmate was drinking tea at my house. One of his male classmates got up and said, "I'm going to drink some water. I drank too much." I responded, "The toilet is out of paper. Take a box of paper and put it in."

He turned his head and replied evilly: No need for paper, just shake it and it will be fine... The whole room burst into laughter... Hee hee... It's true, please...

Twenty, first time posting, please Pass! When I was in junior high school, my English teacher was a beautiful woman who often wore flesh-colored stockings and miniskirts. My deskmate and I sat in the front row, and this was the background! Once in an English class, the teacher came on leave and missed something. When I saw it, I told my classmate decisively: "Look, there is blood between the teacher's legs." Unexpectedly, the second-rate classmate took a look at it and then used the whole class to say An audible voice said: "Teacher, your leg is bleeding. Do you want a band-aid?" The teacher said shyly: "Xiao Ming, come to my office after class and lie down..."

Twenty-one , "It's raining. There are many idiots in the mental hospital taking baths in the rain with towels and soap. Only TOM is watching alone on the window sill. Someone asked curiously: TOM, what are you doing? TOM said: Those idiots are very stupid. I'll wait until the water is hot before going. "

22. I remember when I was in junior high school, I would drink Sprite in front of my classmates every time. I thought, look how good I am, the Sprite costs 3 yuan. , my deskmate also drinks mineral water every day. ...I didn’t know until now that she has been drinking Kunlun Mountain (ㄒoㄒ)

23. Love Apartment is on the air again recently. Me: Sister, did you know that Zeng Xiaoxian is actually Chen Kaige’s Nephew! My sister looked at me with disgust and said, "How is that possible? Zeng Xiaoxian's surname is Zeng, and Chen Kaige's surname is Chen. How could they be nephews?" I was stunned for a moment, and it took me half a minute to realize what was happening. Damn it, the person who plays Zeng Xiaoxian is really named Chen He! I got a big scratch!

24. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Every day when I go out, I can’t help but look back and check whether the door is locked. In order to overcome this problem, I now always use the window when I go out. . .

25. My girlfriend sent me a text message on Singles’ Day to wish me a happy holiday. I said: "I have a girlfriend, dear, I am not a bachelor." My girlfriend said: "Now you are."

26. Request anonymity. The family was having dinner at my uncle's house that day, and my uncle's son, my cousin, was also there. My aunt was very kind to me, so my dad joked and asked me to call my aunt mom. At that time, I didn’t know why but I stupidly said: Close relatives cannot get married.... The scene was quiet for three seconds

< p> 27. How can we teach children to learn integrity and honesty? We can’t even teach members of Congress.

Twenty-eight, take a taxi with your girlfriend. It was 16 yuan when we got there, and my girlfriend started rummaging through her bag. I got a 20 yuan, so I gave it to the driver. Tell your girlfriend later; there is no need to look for her. The driver said "Thank you then"... Damn~

Twenty-nine, female: Let's do this, what if my husband comes back suddenly? Man: It’s raining now, your husband won’t come back. Besides, my amazing horse is waiting for me downstairs. If your husband comes back suddenly, as soon as I whistle, Shenma will pick me up downstairs, and I will just jump out of the window, haha. Suddenly remembering the knock on the door, the man whistled, got up and jumped out of the window. The woman hurriedly opened the door and saw that it was a horse. The horse said: Sorry, please tell the owner that it is raining too much outside. I came in to take shelter.

Thirty. I took an elevator with a girl on the same floor. She farted with an exaggerated sound, and then looked directly at me with a very puzzled look. I said angrily: "Is there a third person here? Who are you showing off to?" Then she turned her face away...

31. Husband said to his wife: Wife , let’s discuss something with you! Wife: Honey, are you making trouble? Husband: Your mother, can you keep your wife Yanjie away from my Head and Shoulders next time? 32. Zhu Bajie asked Yue Lao: "Why don't you let me marry a girl from the Gao family?" Yue Lao replied: "She is a human and you are a demon. I am worried that the child you gave birth to will be a human demon!"

Thirty-three, Daqiang is 30 and 5. He lives on the roadside and drives a tricycle. He had no wife or children, but Daqiang had a positive heart and dreamed of becoming an entrepreneur like Li Ka-shing. After thinking hard all night, Daqiang came up with a way to realize his dream - raising chickens. So Daqiang raised a group of chickens in a cage. To develop good habits for your chickens, sound your car horn several times before feeding each day. A few months later, whenever Da Qiang honked the horn, the chickens would all rush over to look for food. After more than half a year, the hard work is finally bearing fruit. I look at the Mercedes-Benz, BMW, and Audi whizzing past the door. . .

Listening to the arrogant honking of those luxury cars, Daqiang showed an honest smile and silently opened the door of the chicken pen. . . . .

Thirty-four, cats and pigs are good friends. One day the cat fell into the hole, and the pig brought a rope. The cat asked the pig to throw down the rope, but it threw the whole bundle down. The cat said depressedly: "If you throw it down like this, how can you pull me up?" The pig said: " What else should we do?" The cat said, "You should hold on to one rope!" Then the pig jumped down and took the other rope and said, "It's okay now!" The cat cried...

Three 15. During military training, a man fainted and many people surrounded him. There was a boy outside shouting very experiencedly: "Pinch the man! Pinch the man!" The girl closest to the man thought for a long time, made a lot of determination, and accurately pinched the penis of the fainting man. .

Thirty-six. My nephew was in kindergarten. With dinner in the background, he said to his daddy: Dad, you have to treat your mother well in the future. When I have lunch at school, I will give it to my girlfriend. Eat a piece of meat! The whole family was stunned ^_^

Thirty-seven. The female bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily: "How many times have I told you, this ring belongs to someone from the Bird Research Station What you put on me is not a wedding ring! I'm not married yet!" 38. It is said that Gaddafi yelled after he was arrested. He kept repeating one sentence: "I am a fake! I am a fake!" The soldier believed it and casually asked: "Where is it really?" Gaddafi said something that he would regret for the rest of his life: "Really In China." The soldier looked calm, raised his gun and shot Gaddafi, saying: "There is no genuine product in China!

The manager told a joke. Everyone laughed, but one person didn't laugh. His colleagues asked him, "Why don't you laugh?" He said: I have resigned.

Forty, I agreed to meet my husband after dinner. I went for a walk and when I was about to go out, I found that the crotch of the pants he was wearing was torn. Since I couldn’t find the needle and thread, I asked him to change to another pair. Unexpectedly, my husband said confidently in front of his son: “Who dares to look at my crotch? I beat him to death. "Then he went out as if nothing had happened...

41. At the dinner party that day, a female colleague of mine dressed very fashionably came over and asked me if I looked good? I said: Just like a sunflower! She said: You mean me Innocent and beautiful, or cute? My forehead is dark, I mean you are looking for a date.

42. I was drinking beer at my friend’s house just now. Too much, I farted, and it landed on the cat's head. As a result, the cat stood up with a squeal, flapped its front paws a few times, and then fell straight back! My friend quickly sent it to the pet hospital! I just called and said that the cat was suffering from alcohol poisoning and asked me to visit him and show him some respect.

43. The puppy said to the kitten: Guess how much money I have in my pocket. Candy? The kitten said: You guessed it right? Give it to me. The puppy nodded: Yes, I’ll give you two pieces! Put the candy in the kitten's hand and say: I still owe you three yuan.

44. I accidentally overheard three single girls chatting at a party. The conversation is summarized as follows: A: I work in a bridal shop. , every man I see is getting married; B: It’s even worse for me, I work in a kindergarten, and every man I see is the father of my child; C smiled slightly: What do you think? I work in the emergency room, and every man I see is a father. She is about to die. Sure enough, every older young woman has a hard life.

Forty-five, I haven’t seen each other for several years, and I happened to go to him on a business trip. There, he was so enthusiastic, he kept me entertained, and played cards with me until about 4 or 5 o'clock the next morning! He went to work at around 7 o'clock, but he came back before 11 o'clock! I fell asleep on the bus when I was going to Mahler Gobi, and I got to the terminal! I was thinking about going back to work, but I fell asleep at the terminal again...