2 minutes of funny stand-up comedy jokes

There are funny and meaningful jokes every day. It would be great if you can use two minutes to come up with a funny joke. Below are 2 minutes of funny stand-up comedy jokes that I compiled for you. I hope they can help you.

2 minutes of funny stand-up comedy (popular)

1. Use an umbrella to cover the camera in the small room of an ATM and stay up late reading. The police came to knock on the door in about 2 hours Door. Later I opened the door, and the policeman asked me what I was doing inside. I said I was reading, and he asked me why I was reading here. I said that when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I just inserted my bank card and looked at the balance, and it made me think. Then read a book. After hearing what I said, there were little things in his eyes. Just let me go home early and rest.

2. I just saw the school status of a nymphomaniac classmate of mine: Ouch! I just realized that Lee Min Ho is also a Cancer! Yooja Lin is a Cancer, Fang Datong is a Cancer, Lu Guangzhong is a Cancer, Stephen Chow is a Cancer, Tony Leung is a Cancer Jacky Cheung is a Cancer, Jordan Chan is a Cancer, Kim Bum is a Cancer, Nikki Kwan is also a Cancer, Tom Cruise, and Tom Hanks are all Cancers~ How about all the men I like are Cancers!!

3. Haidilao finally went to sea yesterday! This copycat aircraft carrier has inherited my country’s copycat culture for many years. It has various capabilities such as loud sound, strong power storage capacity, dual SIM cards and dual standby! It is said that several island countries in the South Pacific often I heard bursts of voices in the night: "Flying freely in your heart" 4. "Classmate, how do I get to the library?" She looked at him with an unhappy face, "This is your first time this month." You’ve asked me this question three times! If you want to strike up a conversation, just say it. You can also ask me to be your girlfriend. Just find some fresh reasons. ?He smiled sheepishly. A month later, she put her arm around him and came to the library to find me after class. ?Wait a minute! How to get to the library?

5. The night before last, I discussed with a male friend and I to find a couple in Sanlitun. He first went up and slapped the man in the face and said: ?So you are bisexual!?; Then I slapped the man again and shouted loudly: ?Don't tell me, this woman is your sister again!?The scene turned out to be too shocking?

6. Girls version: I'm going, the school girls are here, the school girls are on sale, let's have your spring and autumn dreams. There are so many new properties opening in China, but have you ever seen house prices drop?

7. Never give negative reviews for sex toys sold on Taobao, even if the goods you receive are as bad as mine. , otherwise you may sign for a 0.5m*0.2m*1.6m long package in full view of the public within a week after giving a negative review, with an inflatable doll and your name and phone number written on all sides of the package. Blind your dog eyes. What’s even more bastardous is that there are no inflatable dolls inside at all, it’s all scrap newspapers!

8. One day, he said coquettishly to his mother: “I am my mother’s caring little cotton-padded jacket.” He said and hugged his mother. As a result, my mother pushed me away: ? It’s a hot day, you don’t wear a cotton-padded jacket! ? 9. A man was riding a bicycle and accidentally hit a woman. The man helped the woman up and said: "Beauty, you are so lucky!" The beauty was furious: "You hit me and you said I was lucky?!" The man explained: "You have to know, I am on vacation today." I just ride a bicycle, usually I drive a bulldozer!?

10. Mei Chaofeng changed? Mei Gancai? Mei Chaofeng was eventually crippled by the aura of the Magic City. The clouds in the west are compared with those in the east. , has been significantly weakened. From the current point of view, landing is no longer possible. After Mei Chaofeng turned into Mei Gancai, he accelerated his flight northward and headed for the Shandong Peninsula. It cannot be said that there will be no impact on Shencheng, but it will certainly not be a major disaster. This is already the second typhoon this year to be crippled by the aura of the city.

2 minutes of funny stand-up comedy jokes (classic)

1. The class bell rang, and the classroom was still noisy. The teacher slapped the table and it suddenly became quiet.

Then the teacher yelled: Can't you hear the school bell? After a while of silence, a deep voice came from the teacher's corner: Paralyzed, when did you hear the school bell?

2. The Cowherd and the Weaver Girl on Chinese Valentine's Day There are N possibilities for the failure of the Magpie Bridge meeting: 1. Weaver Girl recognizes her godfather. The Cowherd found his mistress and therefore failed to keep the appointment; 2. The magpie bridge collapsed and both of them were killed. It was later found out that the magpie had eaten unsafe food and created a shoddy project; 3. Neither of them could afford the high bridge toll. I sighed when I could look at the bridge; 4. The bridge deck was blocked after the train rear-ended and no one except the Ministry of Railways was allowed to get on the bridge.

3. My cousin’s daughter was more than 4 years old. One time, my cousin joked and asked her daughter: “We are going to raise a pig.” , but you need to arrange work. You have to choose one person to feed the pigs delicious food every day, one person to clean the pigs' room every day, one person to bathe the pigs every day, and one person to play with the pigs every day. What do you want to do? She replied without hesitation: "Be a pig".

4. The train entered the tunnel, it was dark, only a kiss was heard, and then a slap. The train came out of the tunnel, and the four strangers didn't say a word. Only Man A's eyes were blue. The old woman thought: The little girl has a beautiful heart and a beautiful heart. ?The girl thought: ?It’s strange that the old woman A didn’t kiss me either. ?A thought: ?B is so cunning, kissing me secretly but got beaten!? B thought: ?I kissed the back of my hand and slapped A again, no one noticed. ?

5. My classmate’s signature: What Chinese Valentine’s Day! It’s obviously Singles’ Day! 7.7 converted into binary is 111.111, which is even more tragic than 11.11!!!

6. My boyfriend was on a business trip today and he called me a few hours ago to say he was safe. I'm bored right now, so I just want to tease my boyfriend. Call the hotel room where he lives: Hello sir, do you need any special services? He said: No, I already have it. ?

7. Once upon a time, there was a little gangster who was herding cattle. He listened to the words of a beast, peeped at a girl bathing, and stole the girl's underwear. He threatened the kind-hearted fairy with both soft and hard tactics, and took her as his wife. After that, the fairy Stockholm syndrome. Triggering a series of incredible events. To commemorate this event, the Chinese created the Chinese Valentine's Day. (@henghaiqiao)

8. When we were in college, the professor asked us: Which one do you choose, money or wisdom? One buddy replied without thinking: Of course I want money! The professor smiled slightly and said: And I will choose wisdom. The professor then asked: "Do you know why?" The buddy, once again, said without thinking: "Of course, people will choose what they lack, I can understand it." ?

9. I watch the sky at night. Hotels and guesthouses will be full tonight, and countless girls will lose their virginity. Happily, the person lying on the bed was someone else's future wife. The tragedy is that your future wife has no idea who is in bed with you. What's even more tragic is that she lost her virginity in a hotel that cost 40 yuan a night, but today she asks you for a house worth 10,000 yuan per square meter before she will marry you. . .

10. The signature of a girl’s shoes: Whoever celebrates Chinese Valentine’s Day with me this year, I will let him celebrate Father’s Day next year!

11. I am going back to the army, and I feel very sad. Before leaving the house, my mother patted me. I said to my dad: Dad, your wife hit my dad and said to my mom: Don’t hit him, it will easily lead to military-civilian disputes. I was instantly amused by my dad, and the sadness of parting disappeared instantly.

12. After separation, each has a new life. He never takes the initiative to contact you. He silently looks at the circle of friends and looks at the space. Look at whether you are doing well recently. Your husband is not home in the middle of the night, your mother-in-law is not treating you well, and there is no one to take care of the child. Whenever I see this, my heart is really indescribable. ?The boss will give me another bunch of skewers and two bottles of Laoshan! Celebrate!

13. A friend likes to eat and drink. No, in order to eat, he thought of a bad move.

On the pretext of helping someone introduce their girlfriend, he would ask his girlfriend to act as a trustee and let others treat him. Whenever he was about to eat, he would signal his girlfriend to leave on the pretext of inappropriateness! Relying on this trick, it always works? How can you walk by the river without getting your shoes wet? Later, your girlfriend really ran away with someone else?

14. My three-year-old nephew came to my house today and saw the soup dumplings on my table. I picked it up and was about to eat it. I was afraid that everything he ate would be filled with soup, so I told him: Hot! Hot! Hot! My nephew looked at me, then at the soup bag, reacted for five seconds, and threw it away. I started crying after eating the soup dumplings: Hot?

15. Last night, the head chef in the store met an old friend (a woman who hadn’t seen him for more than ten years) who came to the store for dinner. Because the head chef didn’t He recognized him, so he didn’t have much expression at first. As for the girlfriend, she patted him on the shoulder and said, old friend, you work here! The girlfriend brought an eight or nine-year-old son, and the two elders While the friend was having a lively chat, her son said leisurely: "Mom, this is your ex-boyfriend, right?",,,,,,,,,,, After the embarrassing situation lasted for a minute, the people in the hall burst into laughter. Hahahaha

16. There was a very beautiful female colleague who got up late one day and rushed to the company without time to put on makeup. As a result, she was recorded as absent from work that day? Surprised]

17. Wukong and Tang Seng appeared on a certain satellite TV, If You Are the One. When Wukong came on stage, all the lights went out. Reason: No house, no car, only a broken stick. The profession of a bodyguard is dangerous. He is always beating up monsters and is not gentle to girls. He has been in jail and was once forced to live under the Five Fingers Mountain. Tang Monk came on stage, wow! The lights were all on. Reason: Civil servant; brother of the emperor, the toughest backstage. Proficient in Sanskrit and other foreign languages. Handsome. The most important thing: he has a BMW!

18. There is a man called Zhen Ke Suo, who married a wife called Yao No matter what, giving birth to a son will cause trouble. One day the trouble disappeared! The couple went to report the crime. The policeman asked my father: What is this man’s name? My father said: That’s weird. The policeman was very angry, and then he asked the mother what her name was. Mom said: I want you to take care of it. The policeman was very angry and said: What are you going to do? The couple said: Looking for trouble.

19. Reporter: Seriously, do you really change a diaper for your child? Yao Ming: How about you lie down and I will change a diaper for you! To tell you the truth, I can do it with just one foot. You can change the baby's diapers, feed the baby, etc. Reporter: I don’t believe it! Yao Ming: Really, you don’t even have to turn on the lights. Reporter: Impossible! How do you think you can change it? Yao Ming: Just use one foot to wake your wife up.

20. A year ago, we donated blood in the school square. CC gave a pair of manicure tools, and CC gave a watch. A girl from the next class heard about it and felt very happy. She ran over and asked the nurse: "CC gave me a pair of manicure tools." What?" The nurse said calmly: "Send a coffin?"

2 minutes of funny stand-up comedy jokes (selected chapters)

1. One day, my 5-year-old son and I Watch a TV documentary about women giving birth together. My son asked me softly: Mom, did it hurt like this when you gave birth to me? ?I replied. He hugged me and said gratefully: "Mom is so smart and knows how to give birth to a boy, otherwise I would also suffer." ?

2. If I were to select a person who moved China this year, I think I would choose Guo Meimei’s godfather. A man gave Hermès and Maserati to a beautiful woman who was only worth a QQ car for free without asking for physical compensation or other rewards. This is a noble person, a pure person, a moral person, a person who has escaped from vulgar taste, and a person who is beneficial to the improvement of women's status. (@风中风walk)

3.? I am always rejected by others, and I also want to reject others once. It’s almost Chinese Valentine’s Day, so please confess your love to me and help me once. ?Okay, I like you. ?I like you too. ?

4. Guo Meimei wants to enter the entertainment industry. The entertainment industry is anxious and boycotts them collectively. The reason is that Meimei has no bottom line; I plan to use Guo Meimei to film the online drama "Godfather". A lot of people sent private messages to I offered to play the role of godfather.

Look, it’s much lower than the bottom line in the entertainment industry! (@李春)

5. I just saw a male friend’s signature: Qixi Emblem: A girl with a simple mind, a sensitive body, no self-control, and no moral limits

6. The story of Guo Meimei’s mother and daughter tells the Chinese people that there is a legend in the Chinese stock market! A mentally retarded goddaughter should not be recognized casually, it is purely a scam!

7. The streets of Hong Kong recently There is a phenomenon: more and more people answer the phone and say: I am in Hong Kong, I will talk about it when I get back! The tone is very harsh. This attracted the attention of the Hong Kong authorities. Is there anything that cannot be said in Hong Kong? They allocated a special fund to investigate whether Hong Kong might become an area that restricts freedom of speech. In the end, it was discovered that they were from mainland China and were using roaming phones. The fee is too expensive.

8. One day, the cow posed a difficult problem to the donkey, asking which of the two bugs under the word "Stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but still couldn't answer. Niu scolded: What a stupid ass, men are on the left and women are on the right!

9. At the concert, a buddy excitedly took the microphone and said to the star on the stage: "I am your most loyal fan" , I have attended almost every one of your concerts, and today I finally got the chance! Can you talk to my girlfriend and Zhang Ying? The star felt very touched and agreed without hesitation. Then the guy said happily after hearing this Asked in front of the audience: Great, then among all the beauties, who wants to be my girlfriend?

The 10.11 new school girls will be available soon, dear! The 10-year school girls are on sale at a hot discount. ~In addition, the 2009 seniors will give it away for free, dear~ The 2008 seniors have been removed from the shelves, dear!

11. The second is a kind of beauty that is neither three nor four.

12. A woman was holding a mop in one hand and a child in the other, staring at me.

13. The saddest thing is not that you live and I die, but that the bus comes and I am still crossing the road. When I arrive, it is gone

14. Now you think it’s a waste of resources not to go out the next day after washing your hair?

15. I blame me for being too young and can’t see clearly whether it’s a human or a dog

16. Me I’ve heard the most outrageous thing in history that his eldest uncle and second uncle are women!! Haha

17. I took the bus to work today and it was a bit crowded. As soon as I got on the bus, I heard a woman shouting: What the hell are you doing? You stepped on me? Everyone in the car was shocked. . .

18. Before speaking, listen first; before responding, think first; before consuming, earn first; before quitting, try first.

19. Don’t tell ghost stories at night, because people like to hear them, and ghosts also like to hear them.

20. If you are busy, talk about it when you have something to do, and when you have nothing to do, talk about it.

21. I write your name on the soles of my shoes and stamp my feet every day when I have nothing to do.

22. The highest state of being a woman is to seduce rich and handsome men. The highest state of being a man is to be able to seduce rich and handsome men.

23. A man is bound to be free and a woman is tired of him no matter how nice he is. It’s true that men like to have freedom.

24. It’s Chinese Valentine’s Day, and the only thing that has to be romantic is couples. Being caught in the rain on the street

25. Every time I want to study hard and work hard, I fall to my knees under the pomegranate skirt of my computer and mobile phone!

26. I am not a bone, I cannot let it go Every dog ??gave chase.

27. Never believe the truths in the lyrics. In order to make up the rhyme, they can write anything!

28. Just look at it and you will know why there is famine in Africa.

29. Don’t pay attention to me so that I can’t dodge.