Please tell me a joke! !

2 When I was living on campus in high school, a classmate came home and asked him to carry something for me, so he sent me a text message: Give me some clothes and money.

3 I cooked crabs last night. After the water boiled, I threw the crabs into the pot one by one. The crab roe is very fresh and moving around in the pot.

My wife was too kind to see this, so she hid behind me and covered her eyes, not daring to look.

I said with relief: Jiajia, are we too cruel? Wife: Hmm...have you added salt?

4 Our old man who teaches chemistry has 800 degrees of myopia. After writing on the blackboard during class, he turned around and suddenly pointed at me and yelled: "What are you doing standing there!" ! Sit down! ! I was sitting in the last row of seats, and my coat was hanging on the wall behind me...

5 In the first aid class when I was in college, the professor was talking about cardiopulmonary resuscitation and demonstrating:

Professor: When pressing the chest with both hands, do not use too much force. Just press down 2~3cm. Too much force can easily break the patient's ribs!

Professor: Please see the demonstration below (press hard with both hands), there will be a click! The model's ribs were broken.

Awkwardly, get out of class is over~

6 When I went to Shenzhen for sketching in college, I was walking on the street with my classmates. Suddenly a male classmate walked to the side of the road, patted someone on the shoulder and asked: " "Brother, please", was it possible that his mind was blocked by the door, and he actually asked the bank's cashier? ! The cashier probably didn't hear it clearly either. Turning around, he nervously pointed the gun at him: "What are you going to do! What are you going to do!" When my classmate saw the gun pointed at him, he was so frightened that he He cried and said: "Brother, I don't mean anything else, I just want to ask what time it is." . . . .

Burst in sweat. . . . . . .

7 When I graduated from elementary school, I bought a damn graduation book because it said that the zodiac signs from January 20th to February 18th were -

---Water Tank Zodiac sign

Later, for a long time, people asked me what zodiac sign you were, and I always said it was Aquarius!

8 I was getting off work with my former colleague and walking to the station across the road from the company. A man walked across the street and stared at me for a while. I was about to ask him if he knew me. The man looked at me and then threw up! That's embarrassing! ~~

That man is a drunkard!

I was speechless, and my colleagues burst into laughter. From then on, the story spread throughout the ages. . .

Colleagues always say to people when they meet, "That person is ugly," and that person throws up after taking one look at her. . .

9

My friend was drunk once. According to his mother, he was in the toilet with a phone in his right hand, his left hand pressing the mirror, and the "jailed person" in the mirror. "Looking at each other affectionately and saying: How are you eating? Is the prison strict these days? Try to get out as soon as possible...

10

Once, I had to contact a classmate because I had something to do. , but his number was not saved in my phone, so I sent a text message to another classmate who was very familiar with him, "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. After 5 minutes, I finally received a reply, and I couldn't wait to open it. The text message clearly read, "Yes" in two big characters. In desperation, I could only send another text message to this big brother, "So, please tell me?" I waited for another five minutes and received a reply. I couldn't wait to open it again and read it, and there were two other words written on it, "OK"!

11

When I first went to college, I was very stupid. Once in class, the teacher asked me to make a ppt presentation. I had never used it before. It happened to be my first one. When I went up to talk, I turned on the computer for a long time and the projector didn't respond.

The following guys are shouting to press F2, press F2!

So I hesitated and asked: Are the two keys pressed at the same time?

12

A little girl ran to the counter and said to me: 'Auntie, give me a packet of ketchup.'

I am a boy, at least. This is what it said on the ID card.

So I smiled and handed it to her and said to her: 'No problem, little brother.'

The little girl was stunned for a moment. :'I'm not a little brother!'

Me: 'Then am I an aunt?'

The little girl took the ketchup and ran away in a hurry!

13

When I graduated from graduate school, a girl and two boys in the class helped her move five large boxes of things from the seventh floor to the first floor. The two boys were so tired that they almost died. The aunt who looked after the building couldn't see it. In the past, I said something that still resonates with me today: "My boyfriend is reluctant to use it, but other people's boyfriends are reluctant to use it."

14

When I went out one day, I called my friend and asked her to come out with me. Then I got on the bus and called her by the way: "Little M, you Are you here? Are you going out now?" Then my friend Xiao M said: "I am taking the bus!" I said: "I am taking bus No. 10X, which one do you take?" My friend was delighted: "Me too!"

I felt something was wrong. I saw the person opposite me looking at me like I was crazy. I subconsciously looked back and found my friend Xiao M sitting in the seat behind me: "You're here. Are you there? Why don't you say anything, hello..."

15

Once I took bus 45 to the clock tower and met a middle-aged woman on the way. There were not many people in the car at that time, but she was standing next to me and another girl. I subconsciously put my bag in front of me, but the girl next to me was looking out the window unconsciously. Soon, the middle-aged woman put her hand into MM's bag and said, "It's too late, but soon, I suddenly farted loudly. It was smelly and loud. It made people in the car look at me, and I was ashamed." I wish I could find a hole to drill. However, the smoke made the middle-aged woman quickly retract her hand to cover her nose! Haha!"

16

When I was a freshman, all the girls in the dormitory were very innocent, and none of the eight of us were seen. What do real condoms look like?

One night we got chatting and gathered in front of the computer to search for pictures. We only found pictures of unopened packaging boxes and small packages, and unopened ones. , so we decided to collectively buy one from the coin machines on the roadside.

As a result, those machines were all rusty, and a bunch of us gathered around the box to discuss whether there was anything in it and whether it was a waste. Whether a coin is worth something or something like that, passers-by were probably sweating when they saw us...

Later, I finally bought one, and one of the girls was shocked: "It's so small! "We all despised it and said we would take it back to the dormitory and dismantle it.

After opening it, most of us felt that it was similar to what we imagined, but the girl still said: "Why is it so small! So how do you cover people up? "We were all shocked. It turned out that she thought condoms were meant to cover the whole person...

Later, when we saw disposable raincoats in the supermarket, we would say "your TT" to her

17

The moral education director of our high school speaks very strongly.

Classic paragraph: There is a very uncivilized phenomenon in our school now. Many students play basketball shirtless, and most of them are boys!

Are there still a small number of shirtless girls?

18

A classmate in high school is nearly 1,000 degrees short-sighted. He can’t function without glasses...

He broke his glasses while playing ball and continued to play, continue The first three points...

The result was a hollow...

The whole audience was silent...

Then I (him and I Different team) picked up the ball and threw it to him for a kickoff...

Then he threw the ball back to me and said: Isn't it out of bounds, you guys kick off...

19< /p>

Video: Episode 23 of the TV series Sniper

Comments:

Ku6 Netizen IP: 58.57.7.* Posted at 2009-08-16 22:08< /p>

I have watched a lot of anti-Japanese movies, and why are all the traitors Chinese?

20

An aunt who was practicing riding with her~~one day her husband was riding a motorcycle The car took her home~~On the way, a man wanted to stop them and said to them~~My car was stolen by the person in front of me, lend me your car to chase him~Auntie's husband ignored him, Keep driving~ The aunt sitting in the back said something~~~~I lent you my car, what kind of car will I take to chase you later- -...

21< /p>

I was drinking with a friend once. From afternoon to evening, I drank all the white wine instead of red wine. In the end, I held the glass of wine in one hand and patted his shoulder with the other. I was about to say something that would rip my heart out. , he vomited all the red wine in his mouth and on his body. He was stunned for a second, held his head and cried, which was so heartbreaking. I said helplessly: "You just vomited all over me, it's okay." We are following each other, don’t cry." He raised his head and said to me: "X, what I vomited is blood, I must be suffering from a terminal illness..." I was speechless at the time...

22< /p>

Little A recently paid wages. Little A happily ran to the finance office to collect his wages, and then...

The accountant said: "You can come and collect your wages later. I I don’t have any change.”

23

One of my high school classmates (MM) was sent by the school to promote AIDS Day and went to attend an AIDS prevention lecture with people from the club. They moved stools and sat in a circle in the classroom to wait for the teacher to give a speech

At this time, someone came in and gave each person a banana in turn

My classmate is called Happy Hey~ Listen You can also eat fruit during the lecture. 8 wrong and 8 wrong...

She and the people next to her were chatting and laughing while peeling a banana and eating it happily

At this time, the teacher walked in Each person was given a TT

It turned out that the banana was used to cover the TT

But my classmate only had one banana peel left in his hand. .

24

When I was a freshman in high school, the college entrance examination was about to take place. The seniors in our school must have been nervous. When the flag was raised on Monday, a female sophomore classmate came on the screen to give a speech:... Dear students, Senior sister, you should face the college entrance examination seriously, give your best, and don't repeat the mistakes of the high school entrance examination...

25

The chemistry teacher did an experiment with dilute hydrochloric acid and zinc. The test tube was ready, I poured some hydrochloric acid into it, and after waiting for a long time, there was no reaction. I was very puzzled, so I asked a classmate to answer: "This classmate, can you tell me why no bubbles are produced?"

Classmate: Teacher, you didn’t put zinc in it!

Teacher: This student answered very well!

26

When I was in middle school, literary music stars became popular. My classmate had money, so he bought one. It cost 200 yuan in 1998.

I want to borrow it After playing for a while, I came to a place where he was asked to enter the password, so I asked him what the password was.

He didn’t tell me, he said don’t look at it, it’s personal information.

So, I gave up, but my curiosity never disappeared.

One day, I saw him taking out Wenquxing to play with, and I accidentally saw him entering the password. After typing in 6 identical characters, I was secretly delighted that the password turned out to be so simple, so I looked for an opportunity to look it up and take a peek.

So, one day while he was out, I dug out his Wenquxing and quickly I saw those 6 rice characters******

....

27

On a bus in Beijing, a man took A four or five year old boy.

While waiting at the traffic light, there was a police car next to the bus.

The man didn’t know why he hated pol.ice so much, and said to the boy: “Son, look, they are pol.ice. pol.ice

You know, they all belong to the people Son. I am the people, and pol.ice is my son!”

After one second, the boy shouted: “Then I am pol.ice’s grandpa!”

We sat down. The people next to me couldn't hold it back and laughed out loud.

28

I bought a ride card holder

There is a pattern on it that looks like a chicken

But we are not sure it is Chicken

They laughed at me and said I didn’t have the taste to buy such an ugly thing

I was very dissatisfied and loudly said what’s wrong with chickens. Chickens also have dignity (at that time I I am keen to say that xx also has dignity)

After I finished speaking, I found that everyone in the hall was looking at me...

29

One day.

Best friend: "I have a small waist."

I said disdainfully: "That's a pork loin for you."

My best friend was displeased and asked: "Then what kind of waist do you have?"

The answer is: "Human waist."

30

When I was in junior high school, there were two separate sets of tables and chairs. We were placed together, and I had an argument with my deskmate (male). Then I angrily buried myself in my homework and wrote my name on it. Then I stood up with a sigh and was about to hand in my homework. Then I saw my deskmate

On his little stool and then hugging his little table. . The whole thing turned outward. . .

I was stunned. I don’t know why. He slowly struggled to get up from his desk and chair and said pitifully: I thought you were going to stand up and hit me...

31

A few days ago, I finally went out on a date with my handsome guy I’ve had a crush on since junior high school

How I dressed up~ Because I was wearing clothes with a big collar, I put on a bra...

After a very sweet meal, we took a walk in the commercial street.

Suddenly, the handsome brother stopped and asked me, what is stuck under your clothes?

I was confused. Then I lowered my head and saw, OMG! The bra had slipped off! And it was stuck to the hem of my clothes~

I calmly took it off and threw it into the trash can: "I don’t know what it is~ It must have stuck somewhere."

So the two of us continued walking

But my hand was held in front of my chest and never put it down... ...

32

We were chatting in the dormitory. While chatting with us, a classmate peeled off the password of the recharge card on her mobile phone with her hands. She had already ripped through the password. Later, she used her uncanny skills to scrape out the password from the scraps of paper and top up the money.

33 Once in a physical education class, the teacher announced with a straight face and a serious face: Today, I want to criticize two classmates, a boy and a girl. A boy standing behind me muttered: "B*tch man and woman!" A couple of dogs and men! The teacher said loudly, I am talking about you, you and XX (another woman)~~The whole class burst into laughter~~

34 A few days ago, I saw a news online on my mobile phone: A singer was arrested for taking drugs while smiling. Arrest...

I am confused...

Drug taking is just taking drugs. Why do you take drugs with a smile?

Why do the news specifically point out drug taking? Did Hanxiao take drugs?

Later I found out that Hanxiao was a singer...

35 A few years ago, I was working as a secretary in a company. I felt anxious and hurried to the toilet and found the women's room. The door was ajar. Because the toilet was a single pit, I dared to enter rashly, so I knocked on the door to test. I heard a female voice calmly reply: Please come in~~! !

36 When I was looking into my pocket, a key fell off. I didn’t find it at the time, but I went back to look for it later!

There was a young couple on the roadside. The man suddenly said excitedly: Whose is it? Whose is it?

I thought it was a key and quickly said: Mine, mine! It's mine

I found out later that the woman was pregnant. . . .

Pity my face. . . It hurt for a few days

37 When I was young and ignorant, I only saw my mother wearing a bra, so I thought bras were something exclusive to my mother. So for a period of time, I went to the yard every day holding a clothes pole and took all the bras home. Neighbor women came to my house every day asking for bras. I guarded the door of my house tenaciously every day and shouted to them, it’s all my fault!~

39 When I was in school, the school was a bungalow, and the semester started in September. There are many new students coming. One day, a new student, who seemed to be a class representative, was holding a pile of homework and asked me: "Where is the math office?"

"Next to the men's restroom." The math office is indeed next to the men's restroom, but on the left.

The man walked to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" to them

There was a pause, and a voice came from inside: "No entry!"

40 When I was in elementary school, I had a dream at night. I dreamed that I had a fight with my father. I was so angry that I actually woke up in anger. After I woke up, I saw the dad next to me. He was still very angry. He went up and slapped his mouth = =

41 A morning math exercise was done, and the whole class didn't finish it. The math teacher looked puzzled and said: I finished it during the commercial time last night, and your speed was too slow. One classmate was dissatisfied on the spot and shouted: "Teacher must be watching Hunan TV's advertisement!" The whole class laughed.

42 Once I went to a friend’s house to pick up things and walked downstairs. Three people were going to go upstairs to see some children downstairs playing with the sunflower acupuncture hand.

My troubled friend came up and said: Look at me. One of the children was touched by the sunflower acupuncture point

We went upstairs. We lingered upstairs for at least half an hour. When we came downstairs, we saw that the child was still there motionless

My friend came up and gave me a sunflower acupuncture hand, and the child was bouncing around again

I sweated like crazy......................