Who knows funny jokes? Urgent need, the best classic, thank you!

1, I was watching TV on the sofa, and my wife was sitting on my lap wrapped in a bath towel, and she said, "Grandpa, do you want a little girl?" I deliberately couldn't sit still: "No, uncle, I have no money today!" " "Wife:" What money is not money, just make the little girl happy, and make up an iou afterwards! ""I'm dizzy ~ ~ ~ I still owe money for this matter! 2. I lifted my wife's chin in one hand and jokingly said, "Come on, girl, sing me a song!" My wife patted my hand: "guest officer, please show some respect, little girl, I only sell my body, not art!" " "Shocked ~ ~ ~ this hit the gun! After taking a bath, I lay in bed reading. My wife came out of the bathroom and a hungry tiger jumped on me. She said coldly, "hey, my little brother is good-looking, little girl. I'll try it today!" "I fight to death. Seeing that I was disobedient, my wife gently turned around and said, "Grandpa, did you follow that little girl?" I said, "Give me a reason first! "My wife turned around with a sly look:" My little girl just got out of prison and hasn't eaten meat for several years! " "My mom ~ ~ ~ ~ this reason is very good, there is no reason to disobey! 4. My wife asked me, "What do you men always say about women's and men's shows?" I said, "A male show is a dignified appearance and a fiery heart!" The wife asked again, "Do you think I count?" I pretended to look at her seriously, and then shook my head: "You don't count!" " The wife nodded: "I think so, too." I should belong to Ming Sao. "I snickered to myself:" accurate but not comprehensive! The wife wants to know, "What is that?" I proudly replied: "You belong to Quan Sao!" Sweat ~ ~ ~ ~ This beating is inevitable! 5. I went to KTV with my clients one night and came home very late. As soon as I got home, I thought my wife was asleep, so I crept to the bathroom to take a bath. Just after undressing, my wife suddenly appeared and said sharply, "Are you going to destroy the evidence?" I was shocked and quickly said, "No, no, I put my knife and gun in the warehouse before I went out!" " "My wife grinned twice and reached out and touched my jj:" Well, I haven't lost my gun yet, but I want to check for bullets! ""darling ~ ~ ~ ~ is there any way to check this? Is that why she stayed up all night? 6. My wife likes all beautiful things, including handsome guys and beautiful women. The greatest pleasure of shopping with my wife is that she will collect handsome guys and beautiful women everywhere for me to see. Once we were tired of shopping, we sat in front of the Starbucks window and enjoyed the beautiful women in Sichuan. My wife asked me stupidly while admiring it: "Who do you think so many beautiful women sleep with at night?" I stared at her in surprise and replied, "pervert!" " The wife was also surprised: "Ah? Wouldn't that be cheaper for those perverts? " I can't help crying and laughing. I flicked her head with my finger: "What a bargain! What have you been thinking about all day? A head of sorghum flowers! I said you are a pervert! " "oh! "My wife nodded inexplicably and said something that made my liver ache:" Then I sleep with them, who do you sleep with? "Silence ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I want to sleep with them, so you must not fail me. 7. Once I made a small fortune, I came home and threw the envelope to my wife: "Girl, you did a good job last month. This is a tip from my uncle! "My wife took the envelope with a greedy expression, shook it, hugged me and kissed me. She said very amorous feelings: "thank you, it is a little girl's duty to serve you well." You often come here! " I nodded stupidly: "Oh, sure! "Roll ~ ~ ~ ~ a pair of dew mandarin ducks! 8. My wife has the problem of breathing and snoring in the cool breeze. One night after work, I burped and went home. I asked with concern, "Are you drinking wind again? "The wife sighed sadly:" What if you don't drink the wind? "? You haven't been partial to the little girl for days, and the little girl has no income, and she still has to drink the northwest wind! "I just remembered that I haven't had sex with my wife for two or three days, so I went up to him and was all thumbs. My wife was quite cooperative at first, but the critical moment came to an abrupt end: "Well, I'd better continue to drink the wind!" " "I'm a little confused:" Why? "The wife laughed:" It's not convenient for an old friend to leave! "I said ~ ~ ~ ~ how did she behave so well these days! 9. On a Saturday, my wife had a normal rest and I had to work overtime. This guy pestered me to have sex with me in the morning, and then went back to sleep contentedly, but I went to the company tired. I said hello to her and was about to leave the bedroom when my wife came up behind me and said, "Come back another day, Grandpa!" " "I nodded:" Come! " "Huh?" Thanks to my quick response, "you still dare to come tomorrow! Come tonight! " "That's more like it! Go, little girl, go back to sleep! " Oh ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The wife is like a tiger. Slow is really bad! 10, my wife and I fell in love when we were in college. At that time, girls were allowed to enter the boys' dormitory, and boys were not allowed to enter the girls' dormitory. One late autumn night, I made my wife angry, and she left me and went back to the dormitory. At that time, there was no mobile phone, and my wife lived on the third floor, so I cried out downstairs to apologize to her. Shouting for a long time has no effect, and more and more people are watching. Seeing that the light went out, my wife asked her roommate to throw her quilt down from the window (I gave it to her, and I know it). As soon as I saw that the situation was not good, I quickly shouted, "Please throw another pillow down!" " I don't know without the following, accompanied by laughter all over the building. Men don't suffer immediate losses, so I hurried back to the dormitory and was quilt-covered by her all night. Before I woke up the next morning, my wife stood in front of me, picked up the quilt and beat me: "You have no conscience! This girl has a cold and a runny nose. You are quite comfortable for one night! " Family ~ ~ ~ ~ You think I want to! 1 1. One winter was very cold, and my wife and I went to the park to play one weekend. Seeing many people skating on the ice on the lake, I invited my wife to skate with me, but she didn't dare. In order to prove the firmness of the ice, I set an example and ran to the ice for a while, which made my wife itch. Finally, I had the idea of trying. I carried her from the center of the lake to the shore. When I was about one meter offshore, I jumped up and proved that there was no danger. And fell into the ice hole with a bang. Fortunately, the water on the shore is shallow, and it only reaches my waist. My wife screamed with fear and almost cried. I struggled to get out of the mud. After making sure I was all right, my wife asked me seriously, "Is my little brother not frozen?" I resisted the cold and nodded hard: "Not bad, that little thing belongs to the polar bear!" " "PSST ~ ~ ~ ~ Now I feel cold when I think about it! 12, one afternoon, I was at work when I suddenly got a call from my wife. I looked very anxious: "Husband, come here quickly, I hit someone, in the Wal-Mart parking lot! "I was really taken aback and left my job at hand and went to the scene. My wife is entangled with a semi-old woman in her forties. The semi-old lady's golf front bumper was hit by her car, and her rear bumper was slightly damaged. I lost 200 yuan to the semi-old lady and said a good word. The old woman was very happy and drove away happily. I asked my wife, "Where is the person you hit? Is it serious? " My wife, Lacey Xi, said, "I just met a handsome guy when I was reversing, and I accidentally bumped into the car behind someone else." "I don't know how much I have to pay for others, and I am afraid of being cheated, so I have to call you!" God save me! ~ ~ ~ ~ This is also called hitting people? When will you change your lewd habits? 13, my wife has always been particularly interested in my nipples and often sleeps at night. Once, my wife asked me, "You said men don't breastfeed. What are these two little things for? " I've thought about it for a long time, but I haven't come up with an idea yet. My wife smirked at me, and I casually said, "Is it just for a pervert like you?" The wife shook her head: "No!" I asked, "What is that?" The wife said in surprise, "I think it plays a decorative role!" " ""what? "This unconventional statement surprised me." You think, men and women are the same. Before women feed their children, * * plays the role of external decoration, and this thing of men is the role of internal decoration. If it weren't for these two things, there would be no such ornament on the stripped chest. Good looking? "Alas ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ It's a pity that my wife didn't do interior decoration design! 14, one night I was playing games in front of the computer, and my wife pestered me to play with her behind me. If I hadn't played tricks on her, I would have turned off the display screen, unplugged the mouse interface and secretly moved the chair behind me when I was at a loss. At this time, the boiling water in the kitchen was boiling, and my wife skipped to pour the boiling water. I am secretly pleased that I can finally get rid of this scourge. I don't know. Joy begets sorrow. I plopped down on the floor. Almost at the same time, I heard my kitchen wife give a cry of "Ow". I thought he was scalded by boiling water, so I jumped up and rushed into the kitchen. My wife leaned against the kitchen door and smiled, which made me very angry. My wife patted me on the shoulder: "Don't be angry, this is a test question to see if I am heavier in your heart than yourself." "I am honored to tell you that you have passed the test!" Decline ~ ~ ~ ~ What can I say? It's better to earn a good reputation than to get a little injury! 15, my wife and I both have the habit of sleeping in on weekends. Once we tossed about for half a night. As soon as I opened my eyes, I felt asleep for several days. I woke up my wife wrapped in me and slept like a dead pig. "Look at my watch. What time is it? " Sleepy-eyed, my wife took out her watch from under the pillow and looked at it: "What's the matter? It's only seven o'clock, sleep with you! " "I touched my stomach." Why do I feel so hungry? I want to eat something. "When the wife heard this, she said," Why don't we continue? "! Didn't you read the news that this kind of thing can be eaten as food and drunk as wine? Let's try, dare you? "I still refused to accept this provocation, so I got on my horse with a knife and had another hard battle. Just after the incident, my mother called and chatted with my family, asking if I had eaten after one o'clock at noon. Only then did I know that my wife, a pig, turned her watch upside down, 12: 30 7: 00. I hung up and was about to settle accounts with my wife. My wife made an adoring expression: "Husband, you are so brave. This time we actually did it for more than six hours! " Hematemesis ~ ~ ~ ~ If that's the case, I'll have to die happily! 16, during college, I went to the movies with my wife once in the evening. I was really sleepy when I watched the second half of the movie because I played poker with my buddies in the dormitory the night before. After asking my wife's permission, I slept for a while. I don't know how long it took. A girl (sitting beside her wife) got up and went out. My wife gave me a gentle push. I thought the movie was over, so I stood up and took the girl's hand and went out. The girl was startled and pulled her hand out desperately. The more I pull out, the tighter I hold on. I also wonder: why are you so serious in front of me? Didn't you just come in hand in hand? Finally, the girl was in a hurry and simply sat in my seat and lingered. As soon as I turned around, I saw my wife grinning, and the boyfriend of the girl next to me (who was also a student at first glance) stared. I quickly smiled: "Dude, your girlfriend's hands are really soft. What I said is wrong! You are so blessed! " After I came out of the cinema, my wife almost beat me to death. 17, cross-stitch was popular for some time, and my wife joined the army of embroidered mothers. When she got home at night, she buried herself in weaving and embroidery to make herself look like a weaver. That's good. After dinner, I am quiet and can surf the Internet and play games without interference. But it didn't last long. My wife said it was boring to embroider alone, and she insisted on pulling me into the team. I am reluctant, but there is nothing I can do. Fortunately, we were not born with embroidery, and we were dismissed by our wife in half a night. The comment we got was: "Go, go, your hands are as hard as your little brother, just stay where you are!" " It turns out that men don't work hard everywhere! 18, I bought the car before I got married, and I was so tired that I went back to bed and gasped. The wife skipped over and said, "can't you take this?" Aren't you more tired when we get married after that? " I asked, "What is the relationship between buying a car and marrying a wife?" The wife curled her lips: "Of course it matters! You have to go through the formalities for buying a car and register for marrying a wife; When buying a car, you should refuel and your wife should eat; Car maintenance, wife beauty ... "I said," Then we won't register, that's all! " The wife's eyes are wide open: "You keep driving, what money does the dealership make!" " I thought about it for the same reason and said to her, "I know the biggest difference between buying a car and marrying a wife!" " ""what? " "You can buy a car to buy third-party liability insurance, but you can't marry a wife. If one day you run away with a handsome guy, who should I pay for? "My wife a wink, have nothing to say. It's not easy ~ ~ ~ ~ How many years have passed? In the end, she couldn't find a reason to refute me! 19. On the night of engagement, my wife was taking off her makeup. I stupidly hugged her from behind: "Dear, this time, my uncle can redeem you, and you will really be my uncle's person in the future!" " The wife asked, "What do you mean?" I explained, "My parents-in-law used to be your guardians, but now they have changed hands to me. Isn't this wrong hand qualified to be my salvation for you? The wife turned her face: "Bah! Your boy bargained and told me to be nice to me in the future, or I would go back to my old job! "Darling ~ ~ ~ She can say that! 20. My wife is a person who loves me but does not pester me. She often advised me not to lose external communication because of my infatuation with my wife, but there was a premise that my wife should be on standby at any time, which moved me very much. Once I had dinner with the company at the same time. After 9 o'clock, my wife sent me a short message. At that time, I had just changed my new mobile phone, and a female colleague was playing in her hand and inadvertently opened the text message. I saw her blush at once, lowered her head and put her mobile phone aside. After three or four minutes, she told me, "There seems to be news for you." I took it and saw that it said, "Haven't you played yet? "I miss you and your little brother at home!" I was embarrassed ~ ~ ~ For a long time, I always felt very strange when I met that female colleague! 2 1, my wife wrapped up her skirt after taking a shower, lying on the sofa, eating a bunch of popcorn while watching TV leisurely, and I was holding one of her little feet to cut my nails. I joked: "Look at you, like a landlord, bullying us poor peasants and lower middle peasants." My wife smirked at me, and the other foot rubbed uneasily in my crotch. I asked, "What for?" The wife replied, "What's the matter? Don't you accept the landlord's rich daughter flirting with you? " I said, "Don't mess around, I have a wife!" " The wife smiled proudly and said, "That's more like it." . You won't forget your roots! ""Hum ~ ~ ~ I'm not stupid enough to make my wife happy! 22. My wife has a nickname Arlene and works as a makeup artist in a photo studio. She is a beauty, and she is good at dressing up. My wife is as good as a person. Arlene's long and short days make me jealous sometimes. Especially Arlene's theory about dressing up, his wife is simply a quotation from Chairman Mao, and no one is allowed to make comments. Once my wife chanted Arlene in front of me, and I said angrily, "I think you might as well live with Arlene!" " Arlene is almost my rival in love! "The wife dragged and dragged:" You think I don't want to live with Arlene. If I were a man, I would marry Arlene first! You really don't mess with me. I will sell our house and have a sex-change operation in the future. See what you do! " I hesitated for a long time and blinked: "forget it, if so, let Arlene change, so that we can enjoy you and save me a person!" "Ha ha ~ ~ ~ or this way to kill two birds with one stone! My wife has always disapproved of my smoking, so I always avoid smoking. Once I attended a friend's wedding with my wife, and the couple lit a cigarette for me. I sneaked out of the restaurant and smoked at the door when my wife wasn't looking. Halfway through, my wife patted me on the shoulder behind me, and I immediately greeted him with a smile: "This is a smoker, don't smoke people's faces! The wife snorted: "Well, don't make excuses! "Just smoke hard, or your little brother will be as thin as a cigarette in the future!" I stayed there for a long time ~ ~ ~ but I still can't figure out what smoking has to do with my little brother below! When I first went swimming in the sea, my wife was as excited as a child. It's a pity that she is a landlubber and laments that she didn't learn to swim at the beginning. It's a bit like learning to use it, so I have to teach her by hand. But after half an hour, this guy got bored. Perhaps more and more handsome boys and girls at the seaside attracted her attention again, so we stood in chest-deep water to play. After a while, this guy became restless and even reached into my swimming trunks and grabbed my little brother. I dissuaded her and said, "There are many people here. You thought it was at home. Let people see how bad it is! " The wife disapprovingly replied: "The water here is deep, who can see it! Besides, didn't you read the message that the little boy should hold his father's penis in the shower to prevent him from falling? I'm afraid of falling, too. If I fall and choke to death at the seaside, you will have no wife! " Oh, my God ~ ~ ~ ~ It's the first time I heard that people will fall and choke to death in the sea! 25. My wife has a strong sense of physical protection. Generally, sit-ups before going to bed at night are routine compulsory courses, and I am required to press her calf every time. Once, I deliberately made trouble and simply sat on her lap. With every fluctuation of her upper body, I grabbed her chest with both hands. The wife is a little angry: "Let's go, stop it!" "I brazenly smiled and said," I'm helping you keep in good shape. Don't be ungrateful! The wife looked blank: "What do you say?" "I pretended to be serious:" Which authoritative slimming magazine said so? I forgot my name. Thin waist and breast enhancement must be done at the same time. You see, your waist is less than one foot nine. I'll massage your chest again, and it will develop in proportion! The wife blinked: "This seems reasonable, then, come on, you continue!" " "Dear ~ ~ ~ ~ I really found myself a big job. Some people say that some people believe it! 26. I still remember the biggest ugliness with my wife. One summer, at the invitation of a friend, we went to Suzhou by train. Because of boredom, we sat on the side stool of the sleeping car and listened to music by ourselves, and I also had an atlas in my hand to study the route after getting off. At this moment, a girl with outstanding figure came up from behind me, and my wife kicked me a few feet. Before I knew it, I asked, "What's the matter?" I didn't know that the sound attracted the attention of the remaining four pairs of eyes in our bunk. My wife tore off the earphone cord on my ear and said to me eagerly, "Look at that beautiful woman! Her legs are really long and white! " It was so loud that the half-pulled people leaned out to see us, and the four of us in the same stall smiled at that time. What surprised me most was that the beauty didn't look back. Until now, I still have some regrets that I didn't see her face at that time. 27. A few days ago was our second wedding anniversary. We celebrated all day and finally waited for the romantic moment in the evening. My wife is very clever, curled up in bed like a rabbit. My heart was secretly pleased, but it broke up on purpose. After a while, I deliberately teased her and said, "What wishes does your wife have to satisfy on the second anniversary of her marriage?" My wife blushed and said, "I also want to taste the feeling of making love for the first time when I am in love!" " "I was so excited that I jumped into bed like a fish, but my wife kicked me aside and almost rolled under the bed." What are you doing? "I feel puzzled. The wife laughed: "What a suck! Did I say I wanted to talk to you? I also want to adjust this girl's appetite. I think you are still young! "28. One summer, my wife and I went to a holiday resort in the country for the summer. In the evening, we finished our homework, and I hugged my wife from behind to get ready for bed, but the croak of frogs in the pond outside could not make us fall asleep. For a long time, my wife turned around, put * * on my body, and mercilessly scolded 1: "This damn frog is really annoying. He doesn't sleep at night. Why are you howling? " I touched her hair sympathetically: "Bear with it. People are also courting. It's not easy! " "What did they do during the day? "My wife is a little disdainful." Frogs are amphibious cold-blooded animals. Too much sunlight during the day will crack their skin. "I explained patiently." Then why don't they hide in the water? "My wife is eloquent." Oh ... yeah! "I seem a little convinced. Suddenly my wife laughed, and I asked in a daze, "What are you smirking about?" What is a demon moth? " "I know why they dare not love in the water!" The wife proudly said, Why? ""it must be that the female frog is afraid of gynecological diseases underwater, and that would be in trouble! "Oh my god ~ ~ ~ ~ that's amazing. I'm dying in the dark! 29. Once I was going to Hangzhou on business for half a month, my wife was particularly depressed when I told her the news. In fact, my wife has always wanted to go to Hangzhou and see this romantic city with the beautiful legend of White Snake and Xu Xian. We once dreamed that one day when we went to Hangzhou together, we must learn to run and hug each other from both ends of the broken bridge. I really want to bring my wife this time, but my wife is really busy at work. I comforted her and said, "Although I will go for half a month, I promise you that I won't go anywhere during my stay in Hangzhou. Let's go together when we have a chance, and save the novelty until then! "I don't know what my wife said:" Living together before marriage doesn't mean that the marriage will be unhappy in the future, as long as you remember to be faithful! "I blinked for a long time and finally realized that my wife was enlightening me. On one occasion, my wife's college dormitory owner and his wife came to see us from other places and invited us to dinner in the evening. I've known their boss since college, so I'm not at home. The boss's husband is a technician and very shy. We talked and laughed at the dinner table. In the middle of the conversation, the boss's husband walked away on the pretext of going to the bathroom. The boss looked at her husband's back and sighed: "He is a good man, and he is also good to me, but he is too plain and doesn't understand amorous feelings. Unlike your family, I have cared for you in every way since college, knowing life and romance. If only our family was half as good as his! " I thought my wife would be happy, but she solemnly put chopsticks on the table and blinked and said, "stop, stop!" Boss, can you tell me the real purpose of this visit? Why do I think you're here to hit on our husband? One thing we must make clear is that sisters belong to sisters, and husbands still have to understand! "I just took a sip of beer and almost sprayed it on the boss's face!