What is it like to have a crush on someone for seven years?

01

It was getting late when I got off work. I walked out of the office building and used to look up at the sky. The city that had just rained was a bit cool. I wrapped myself in a plaid coat and walked quickly to the car, just wanting to get home quickly.

The car was passing through the reversing lights, and someone asked for a song on the radio. I didn’t pay attention to what song was requested, and who wanted to bless whom. The prelude sounded, and I couldn't help but raise my lips, oh, it turned out to be "Time" by Xu Wei.

On August 10, 2013, Harbin International Convention and Exhibition Sports Center, I and many people who had not bought tickets were outside the venue for a long time and were unwilling to leave. Although we knew we would not be able to enter that night, we Still standing there in tacit understanding, it was the place closest to Xu Wei and his "this moment".

The security staff said they couldn’t understand why people like us were so obsessed with Xu Wei. This man who does not look majestic is a memory that many people have to talk about in their youth.

Boys like Xu Wei mostly because of the return to nature, freedom and clarity in his music; while girls like Xu Wei, maybe just because the boy she likes happens to like Xu Wei.

02

The Mid-Autumn Festival in 2008 was on September 14th. Military training took a day off. In the dormitory, the girls always chatted about the boys in the class. There was one named " Jiang Chen's name was mentioned repeatedly, which made me disgusted.

They looked like nymphos, and everyone showed their liking or liking. I didn't take it seriously, thinking that he must be a guy who only showed his appearance and exaggerated. What good could he do?

I asked curiously, "Those boys are very ordinary, which one is Jiang Chen?"

Xiao Tao laughed at my ignorance, "He is the host of the welcome party with my senior sister. That."

I thought hard and could probably recall a boy who was not short and wore glasses, but I still didn't know the exact appearance.

Xiao Tao said she would point it out to me the next day, but I didn’t take it seriously.

A month of military training finally ended with everyone lamenting. After the official class started, the boys were not active. They always came late and left early, and never sat in the front row.

In a "Thinking" class, the teacher had already called the roll call, and several boys rushed to the classroom out of breath. Because there were no seats in the back row, they were forced to go to the front row. Xiaotao touched my arm. , told me in a low voice, "This is Jiang Chen."

I turned my attention to him. He is 1.8 meters tall and wears glasses. Although he is not handsome, he is elegant and has a bit of sunshine. In a group of liberal arts students with few boys. , it really made my eyes light up.

But I still don’t have any good impressions of Jiang Chen, especially since I could hear stories about him and different girls every once in a while. Although we are classmates, we only meet and occasionally say hello, and we never want to have more communication.

03

At that time, I was slightly fat, had short hair, and looked like a boy. I was the girl who was instantly overwhelmed among the group of liberal arts students. He became well-known in the class because he spoke on behalf of the group in a professional class and gave a 12-page speech about the development history of the publishing group Bertelsmann.

Later I joined the school editorial department and became an editor of the school magazine. I was labeled as "able to memorize, read and write well". I often organized various activities in the class with Zhang Yang, the class monitor, and Xiao Tao, who was in the same dormitory. , no longer unknown.

The reason we met Jiang Chen was because the department was organizing a New Year's party, and the class needed to rehearse a short drama. He played the male lead, I played the female lead, and Xiao Tao and Zhang Yang played supporting roles.

Due to rehearsals, the four of us often get together to chat. Slowly, my impression of Jiang Chen improved slightly, and I also saw some of his advantages, such as loving music, understanding movies, being good at sports, being focused on doing things, not being rigid, having a sense of humor, and caring for others.

The drama performance was well received. For a long time, the three of them called my character in the drama by the name "Xiaoya".

Even though I have a deeper understanding of Jiang Chen, I still often disparage him in person, and then secretly collect the shining points in him that others may not pay attention to. I feel more and more that he is special.

04

From strangers to friends, the most we could do was say hello when we met. I started to lose weight and grow long hair, and he continued to excel among girls.

But whenever Jiang Chen needs help, I will appear at the critical moment. I often hold his seat in elective film classes, lend him his bicycle, help him organize notes for final exams, and give him the money I earn from handing out flyers to see his girlfriend in another place.

Later, I never watched the World Cup and started to pay attention to the German team. I liked Stefanie Sun and listened to Xu Wei's songs every night. I could memorize information about the American "Guns N' Roses" and mentioned headphones. I first thought of the German brand "Sennheiser"...

At first, I just wanted to see if these were as good as Jiang Chen said. Later, Jiang Chen became the name I wrote in my textbook. You can find it everywhere.

I watched Jiang Chen change girlfriends, watched some girls accompanying him in and out of the library, and watched him eating noodles alone and feeling extremely lonely.

How can I cooperate with him? How much hypocrisy does it take to act upright? How many times have I wanted to tell him that I am still with you.

In the distance between me and Jiang Chen, I don’t know when I fell in love with him. In order to continue to be friends, I didn’t dare to confess to him, and I didn’t want to be like other girls because of my confession. It became embarrassing and embarrassing to be the cannon fodder of his determination and a burden on his heart.

I hold back and control, and carefully maintain our relationship, but I can't help but be driven by the true feelings in my heart to give, be happy, conflict, speculate, and be sad. I can't take it up, and I can't let it go.

My feelings for him are like the most secluded calla lily. Although it is born in a corner that no one knows, it still has an unchangeable flowering period. It can bloom softly and unintentionally. The withering of flowers is only the time for a flower to bloom.

05

When did I become attracted to Jiang Chen? I can't remember it anymore, maybe it was when I heard him singing Xu Wei's song.

Some people start a long and delicate love break from the moment they fall in love with someone.

The four of us teamed up to participate in a creative competition and won the prize. We celebrated in a small restaurant. We ate happily and got drunk, so we started singing. When it was Jiang Chen's turn, he cleared his throat. , sang "Time".

"In the warm and sunny spring, walking among the crowds in this city, I thought of you again in an unconscious moment...".

We beat the music softly and were intoxicated by Jiang Chen’s hoarse singing voice. At that moment, from my ears to my heart, it was the first time I felt that he had a different light shining in my heart. The way he sang freely and freely made me feel at ease and longing for him.

Jiang Chen said that when he was in high school, he often listened to "Blue Bird" and "Two Days" while riding his bicycle on the way home from school, as if he was the flying blue bird with his own vast sky. I stared at him, and then I saw a handsome young man riding a bicycle in the wind, with the corners of his clothes flying.

Later, I never heard Jiang Chen sing again. The scene at that time was fixed in my memory and became an out-of-print collection.

Jiang Chen likes Xu Wei. I have listened to all of Xu Wei’s songs and gave him a book written by Xu Wei’s fans listening to Xu Wei’s songs as a birthday gift.

During the summer vacation of my junior year, my family and I traveled to Lijiang. I heard a singer playing and singing "Story" in a bar street in Lijiang. I made a long-distance call to Jiang Chen out of nowhere, thinking that he would definitely like it. This situation must be shared with him as quickly as possible.

In my eyes, Jiang Chen is a semi-artistic young man. There are three key words in my memory, one of which is of course "Xu Wei", and the other two are "In the Past" and "Tibet" .

"In Time" is a TV series shot by Huang Lei and Liu Ruoying in Wuzhen many years ago. It tells the love story of Guzhen Youth Wen and Taiwanese designer Ying. The touching plot and charming water town make people... Intoxicated.

Jiang Chen started studying science in high school, but later changed to liberal arts after watching this drama. It was our destiny to meet each other.

Tibet is the place he and I most want to visit when we talk about travel. We once had an agreement to compete in a competition about who can go to Tibet first. It's just that he didn't understand. In fact, I didn't care about winning or losing at all. I just wanted to go to Tibet with him, but I never said that.

From the moment I found out I liked him to the time I graduated, I had three wishes: first, to take him to a place I like and wander aimlessly; second, to chat and drink with him until dawn ;Third, travel to Tibet with him.

None of these three wishes came true, but I only saw Jiang Chen drunk once.

He was very cowarded that day. He got himself drunk and made a fuss in the bathroom without coming out. After he came out, he was unconscious. He was sent to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning and hung up all night.

I have never seen him like that before. His usual calmness and calmness are gone. He looks sad and helpless, making trouble unreasonably like a child.

06

Most of the time when men get drunk in college, it’s because of feelings, but I’ve never been so lucky to get him drunk.

At the dinner party before the final exam, Jiang Chen came late and started drinking without eating anything. He mixed liquor with beer and toasted people at each table. Later, he went to the bathroom to make a fuss and ignored everyone. Zhang Yang could have helped, but he had already collapsed while blocking my drink. When I rushed in and took Jiang Chen out, he was talking nonsense that I couldn't hear clearly and collapsed on the table, his face pale.

At that time, he was unconscious and lost the ability to move. He had to rely entirely on me to hold him up. His height of 1.8 meters and his weight of 146 kilograms all fell on me.

It was too cold to stand in the cold wind in the middle of winter. I wanted to take a taxi, but the master saw Jiang Chen who was drunk and unconscious and refused to let us get in. I had to use all my strength to hold on. Feeling paralyzed, he looked around for a clinic.

The clinic near the school refused to admit Jiang Chen, saying that alcoholism could be serious or minor and that he needed to go to the hospital. When he got to the hospital, he went to the emergency room. Fortunately, his problem was not serious. After hanging up in the water, he probably felt more comfortable. After a while, he stopped talking nonsense and fell asleep.

Jiang Chen’s hands became cold and hard due to the water. I would rub them for him from time to time. That was the first time I touched his hands at close range, but it was without his consciousness. .

I looked at Jiang Chen who was sleeping deeply, and when I thought about how much I liked him, how much he liked another person, I felt sad and felt sorry for him, and couldn't help but kiss him. forehead.

Because I was carrying him around, my shoulders and arms were in pain as if they were dislocated, and I didn’t know where I had the strength.

When Jiang Chen woke up, I squatted beside the bed and he looked at me, his eyes calm and energetic.

He said: "Why don't you sit down? Why are you squatting? You are so tired."

I said: "I'm not tired. You can still remember that you were useless last night." ""

He smiled and touched my head.

I said: "Is your hand okay? It became bruised and swollen yesterday." It’s up to you.”

I clenched my fist and stretched out the back of my hand, and he touched it lightly.

That is the most real and lovely Jiang Chen I have ever seen. He is undefended, unpretentious, heroic, willful and indulgent. It is really rare to see him like that.

07

Some people say that secret love is like a war, the enemy and the fighter are both yourself. Small victories and setbacks are just your excitement and depression, but he is the center of the world and doesn't know it.

I like Jiang Chen, but I have to use the name of a friend as a shield, I am afraid of being seen through, I am afraid that friendship and love will be lost, I care but I have to pretend not to care, I want to let go completely but I am disconnected... everything , seems to be a poison in my heart, making it difficult for me to be free and easy, and it is difficult for me to get out.

He always maintained a sense of alienation from me. I was hurt again and again, and I tried again and again, but I could not open the door of his locked heart.

To me, he is always hot and cold, far and near. I contact him when I remember him, but I don’t contact him when I can’t remember him. He is like a friend when we are together, but becomes a friend the next second we are apart. Become a stranger. If I don't take the initiative to find him, he will ignore me, as if he needs to get acquainted with me again every time.

If he never needed me, I would not be persistent or have any illusions. But every time I was discouraged and wanted to retreat, he just gave me a candy. When I was high-spirited and wanted to get closer to him, he seemed to know nothing. From time to time he would give me a look, then turn around to illuminate others. I thought he could see me when he turned around, so I tried my best to add the element of love to our relationship.

I have never owned him for even a second, but I feel like I have lost him thousands of times.

In the last June of 2012, when I was about to graduate, I asked Jiang Chen to come out and make a complete break. He sat across from me, stirring the coffee and not saying a word. I went around and around and couldn't get to the topic. I just thought that I might never be able to sit with him like this again, and that I would be a stranger forever, which made my heart hurt.

After leaving the coffee shop, I walked behind Jiang Chen, and suddenly I wanted to cry. It was a cold and windy day. I stepped onto a higher step and faced the wind, fearing that he would see me cry.

Jiang Chen failed to persuade me to leave, so he put down his harsh words: "Then I'll leave first."

I knew he wouldn't leave, but when I turned around, he was really gone. .

I called his phone and turned it off.

I rushed to school crying, feeling empty in my heart. I knew that no matter how hard I tried, it was just one person's war. I called Xiaotao and asked her to pick me up at the school gate.

I hugged Xiao Tao and cried loudly, and found Jiang Chen behind me.

I was surprised. I ran over and cried and slapped his chest, but he didn’t dodge.

"Why can't you get through on the phone?" I asked.

"The battery is out," he said calmly.

"Then you were following me, why didn't you stop me? Do you know I was scared?" I cried.

"Didn't you walk to school too?" He still said calmly.

"If I can't see you, I will think that you really left me and left, and I will hate you," I said.

"You can do whatever you want." He looked down at the ground.

"Why do you do whatever you want, never caring about my feelings?" After saying that, I cried even louder.

He looked up at me and said nothing.

"Can you hug me?" I begged.

He came over slowly, hugged me tightly, and patted my back gently.

How many times have I fantasized about being embraced by him like this, but this time it finally came true, it had nothing to do with love.

08

In May 2015, Zhang Yang and I went to Beijing and chatted with other tourists at the youth hostel. We learned that Xu Wei was going to hold a concert in Beijing. Knowing that I liked Xu Wei, Zhang Yang Ask me if I want to go with you and buy scalper tickets on site.

I said that I don’t like Xu Wei to that extent yet, so I won’t go.

I suddenly thought of Jiang Chen again, and the way he shone because of his love for Xu Wei, so just like I called him in Lijiang, I suddenly wanted to contact him.

When I saw Natsume Soseki translate "I love you" into "The moonlight is beautiful tonight", I thought I understood it. It was nothing more than the implicitness of Eastern men.

That day in Beijing, the moment I wanted to tell someone "Xu Wei is having a concert", I suddenly understood what "the moonlight is beautiful" was like. It had nothing to do with being subtle. Something, and it is the opposite of implicit, it is a very direct love talk.

I found Jiang Chen’s contact information from Xiao Tao and sent him a long text message. After sending the text message, I instantly felt relaxed and didn't expect him to reply, just like I didn't need his response during those years when I loved him. For him, I can finally do whatever I want without escaping, caring, or expecting anything.

On the train leaving Beijing, I lay in Zhang Yang’s arms and slept soundly. When I woke up, Zhang Yang reminded me that there was a text message.

I opened the screen and said: "It's Jiang Chen."

I saw Zhang Yang's eyes full of tenderness: "Look."

Jiang Chen was in the text message He said that if he were here, he would definitely go to the concert. For this reason, he specially listened to two songs by Xu Wei. When I looked at the text message, I felt like I was seeing him again. I didn’t delete the number or save it.

Although it cannot be confirmed, I feel that at some point in those years, Jiang Chen also had a crush on me.

I can understand Jiang Chen very well back then, because I gradually became calmer and more restrained, and I also understood that many things were beyond your control. Regardless of whether he is still cold or not, I hope he can find where he belongs, find someone who can open up to him without any defense, talk about what is in his heart, and live a life of his own.

09

On the day Zhang Yang proposed to me, I pulled out a small notebook in which I copied many of the text messages I sent at that time. Most of those text messages were work exchanges and were relatively brief.

Zhang Yang wrote down all the text messages of more than 5 words in that book. He said that it was the only specific and detailed souvenir he left about me. The rest of the time, he watched I stared at Jiang Chen's back.

I took photos of the handwritten text messages and sent them to Xiaotao, and asked her how she felt after reading them.

She said: "The emotional world always conserves energy. If you are happy for him and worried for him, there will be someone who is sad because of you."

I said: " I’m going to marry Zhang Yang.”

Xiao Tao asked, “Does he mind if you can’t let go of Jiang Chen?”

I said, “I’ve already let go.”

Everything is just the past, not necessarily eternal. Our group of people is like some lines that pass through fixed points, and after intersecting, they become farther and farther apart. Jiang Chen gave me beauty and taught me to let go. In the end, I discovered that I could also choose to embrace another happiness.

Love is not about being drunk now, but that you are still in my eyes at this moment. Love comes and goes, it is nothing more than you igniting yourself just to illuminate the scene around others.

I think that the love of most ordinary people is nothing more than fresh lobster in my left hand and jasmine tea in your right hand. Under the shadow of the tree, I look at you in the bright piano room on the high building and miss him. The illusion of love is nothing more than the bright moon in front of the mountain and the beautiful woman behind the mountain. Looking up to see the dark sky and looking down to listen to the deer bumping into each other for no reason.

Until Zhang Yang made me understand that it doesn’t matter whether I love you or not. It’s better to just go to sleep than say good night.

Taking out the scroll-like graduation photo, I tried to look under the desk lamp to find what we looked like a few years ago. In the photo, I looked towards Jiang Chen, but I found that Zhang Yang was also looking at me.

Later, I learned that Zhang Yang had kept a bottle of iced black tea and had not opened it for seven years. He said it was during rehearsal on November 16, 2008, and I handed it to him casually. ?