For the 22-year-old self.

Everyone has a forest of his own. All the people who should have lost are lost, and the people who should have met will meet again.

? -Haruki Murakami

? The weekend I've been looking forward to for a week has finally come. It's already 8: 30 after the shift change and shower. Hesitated for a week whether to write something. When everything is inconclusive, I really dare not look back at the days when I forced myself to forget. Next Tuesday is my 22nd birthday. Although I haven't had the concept of a birthday for a long time, I always feel that I should stop at this time and sum up these two years. In the past two years, whether I am happy or sad, I have never stopped tossing. In the past two years, I have experienced a lot, lost a lot, and gained a lot, from the fullness and tension in preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination to the anxiety and tension in the first attempt, from the self-confidence in the second interview to the sadness when I failed in the postgraduate entrance examination, from the tangled contradictions before work to the despair and persistence at the beginning of work.

? My good friend Ding Qi once said that I should get everything, because I have been making choices that go against my nature. I thought about it for a moment, and it did. A person's life is sometimes determined by important choices in several important periods. People's choices are trapped in their own family and social environment. If I do it again, I will still listen to my father and report it to the public security university; I'm still a graduate student, and I want to be admitted to Peking University. In the face of work and World War II, I will still choose a way to reassure my family and ensure a secure job first. However, if I go to college for another four years, I won't choose to join some departments to enrich my resume, I won't stay up late to write those briefings, I won't take exams for grades, and I won't like people who make me sad. However, these seemingly wrong choices have accumulated into what Fu Lei said at this time. Don't be afraid of your own depravity, as long as you can constantly extricate yourself and constantly update yourself. So I want to calm my uneasy heart for a long time. Although I am still uneasy now, I am afraid that the future that was once close at hand will slip away again, and I will take away my dream and distant confidant by the way.

? I spent my summer vacation in Wuhan before my junior year. Ding Qi is a university tyrant, and he has to prepare for a mathematical modeling competition at school during the summer vacation; Ding Congcong rushed from Wuhan University to Huazhong Normal University every day to study for his second degree in psychology. My cousin, a graduate student of Peking University, just started working and was sent to Wuhan for one year. I have no reason not to go to Wuhan. During that time, I have been thinking about whether I am a master of law from the National People's Congress or a master of law from Peking University. I get up at six o'clock every morning, take the subway, cross the Yangtze River, and go to the laboratory of Ding Qi of Wuhan University of Technology to read the textbooks of civil law, criminal law and economic law. At that time, there was no clear reading goal, just a simple reading textbook. Basically alone in the lab during the day. Go to Huazhong Normal University for lunch at noon, and wait for Qizi to come back from class at night to take me to the subway station. The summer in Wuhan is unbearable, but I am very happy with my good friends and sisters. When I left Wuhan on the last day, I told Daqi that I was going to get a master's degree in law from Peking University. The big flag just said, since you have decided, you must work hard. He always thought my goal was too high. But I never explained to him that Peking University's "independent spirit and free thinking" is my belief and my nature.

? My junior year had a relatively easy time last semester, and I pushed off all the departments' work. The final exam has nothing to do with me. After the second year of high school, I didn't like any teachers, so I didn't listen much. I didn't recite the final exam well. I was too young and headstrong at that time. I think the score given by the teacher is unfair and unscientific, so I use my inaction to express my unreasonable anger at the school results. However, my wayward habit also affected my bad study methods when I took the postgraduate entrance examination. There are many scholars in our major. Although I am usually called Xueba, I am really not. Others began to recite one month before the exam, and I began to recite almost three days before the exam. A subject like management, which has no interest in it, has to stay up for three hours the day before the exam. So I was lucky enough to win the national prize in my freshman year. The other three years have nothing to do with the inspirational country award. Naturally, the final research has no advantage. I read two books for the postgraduate entrance examination this semester, namely, the Master's Guide to Law and the Great Green Book of New Oriental Postgraduate Entrance Examination Words. At that time, preparation was premature and inefficient, which was basically a waste of time. Better read some other books. After four years in college, I basically don't have my own learning methods and endorsement methods. Because I am a high school science student, solving complex physical problems is what I enjoy most. However, everything about public security is liberal arts, and exams are basically rote learning. I saw that the seniors in the same major finally began to recite. Because I don't care about the exam results, I'm like drawing a gourd ladle. As for how to read and recite, I have no system or method at all. This chaotic state continued until the end of the postgraduate re-examination. When I reflect on the whole process of my postgraduate entrance examination, I find that my previous efforts will be accumulated bit by bit and reflected in the final results. I don't blame anyone for my four-year accumulation, because my final total score was one point short.

? The next semester of junior year is a difficult internship stage. I was assigned to Chengshou Temple Police Station in Fengtai District, which is one of the busiest police stations in Beijing. There is Minute Temple, the largest village in Beijing's Third Ring Road. It is normal to call the police 100 times a day. When there were not enough people, the deputy director was also taken to the police, leaving me and the Political Committee on duty in the duty room for one night. As for being called up in the middle of the night to comment, it is commonplace, not to mention the bitter history of handling hundreds of temporary residence permits in the household registration room every day. At that time, I met a very good brother, brother Wang Chen. After the results came out, I always wanted to invite him to dinner to thank him, but I was embarrassed to see him, and I always felt that I had failed my seniors. 14 got 380+, but he gave up studying politics and law in China and chose to stay in Beijing. During that time, he often answered questions for me and tested my learning effect until the end of the initial test. But my internship status is really lax, and I can't guarantee regular review. And at that time, I was inexplicably anxious, insomnia for a month, and I didn't fall asleep at three o'clock every night. Later, I can only buy sleeping pills to adjust. During the busy internship in the police station, I finally came into contact with some practical public security work. The most important thing is that I find that I can't stand the shackles of public security work, so I am more determined to enter Peking University. At that time, I was often scolded by big flags. He opposed all my decisions since I went to college, but when I was in trouble, helpless and depressed, he always called me to comfort me and tell me the solution.

The internship is over, and I'm going home to prepare for my summer vacation review. I studied at the University of Texas with my high school friend Xiu Xiu in the summer vacation, and now she has gone to beijing university of chemical technology for postgraduate study. I also thanked her and her boyfriend for their concern. Living in their dormitory is the hottest time in summer. When you sleep with the fan on at night, you will blow away the mosquito net and get bitten by mosquitoes. If you don't turn on the fan, it will be very hot. The classroom is also very hot, and the fan overhead has no effect, just blowing a heat wave back and forth. I don't remember how I got through it. I only remember watching analysis in the morning, doing real questions in the afternoon and watching politics in the evening. Sometimes I will be lazy, stay at my brother's house and watch American dramas, and don't study for a day. The students of the University of Texas are very diligent and recite English on campus at six in the morning. I couldn't review the law at that time. I just read the book over and over again, without paying attention to the summary. English only cares about a few mistakes in one reading. Now think about it. I really couldn't learn at that time.

? In the next semester of my junior year, I was accompanied by Meng Xi and encouraged by other students who took the postgraduate entrance examination together. Time passes quickly and efficiently. But at that time, I fell into a ridiculous misunderstanding. Is to compare study time with others. I finished my day's study and didn't pay attention to reviewing and summarizing what I learned in the day. Instead, I continue to squeeze my physical and mental strength from scratch, staying up until one or two o'clock, and I don't know how much coffee I drank. Because the pressure of getting into Peking University is increasing, it is always easy to learn and finally collapse. As soon as I collapse, I'll talk to Ye Zipeng. What I remember best is what to do if I fail the exam. He said he would go even if he was transferred to Guangxi. I said I'd rather not go to World War II. Finally, he got high marks and went to the Party School. I really haven't adjusted. Fate plays tricks on people. I sighed with him in the chair in the east of the library when he failed to apply for postgraduate entrance examination, and he was silent with me in the chair in the west of the library when I failed in the second interview. Then I lost contact, which is one of the important things I lost.

The most unforgettable thing is the nervousness at the first attempt. I have never been nervous about exams since I was a child. I have been playing for two days before the college entrance examination. But the postgraduate entrance examination is like the devil, which makes me dislike me. I only slept for four hours on the two days of the exam. My mother forced me to go to bed early, but after lying down, my mind was full of memorized knowledge, and my consciousness was sometimes blurred and sometimes awake. Two days ago, I got up at four o'clock every morning to endorse. Politics is dizzy when I do multiple-choice questions. The English exam was even worse. The girl sitting next to me gave me a big reading question, and the composition template I prepared was useless. I read English at sixes and sevens, and my mind is completely confused. The next day, I didn't dare to go back at noon because I recited the last law paper in the comprehensive course of Fa Shuo badly. Eat two pieces of whole wheat bread outside the examination room of Peking University in winter, read books until the exam begins, and support the exam with a snickers in the afternoon. I felt exhausted after the exam. I cried when I saw my sister and mother at the subway station, and I lost my temper with my mother on the way back. I really hated myself at that time, as if I had been absorbed by Peking University. The result of this state is naturally unsatisfactory. Decadent and corrupt for more than a month, I was not surprised at the moment I saw the results. I scraped the score of Peking University and did extremely badly in the English exam.

? Peking University scores will be ranked, so I already know that I can take part in the second interview, and I am the last dozen. I got a chance to make up for my mistakes in the first exam. When I went back to my grandmother's house during the Spring Festival, my relatives heard that I tried it for the first time, and there was no reaction. In their eyes, I always seem to be a spoiled child. Learning this thing well is the patent of two cousins. But I have long been used to having these two cousins who have always been role models. However, my sister, who didn't support me very much before, was very happy and kept me preparing for the second interview. On the sixth day of the Lunar New Year, I followed my sister from Chinese Academy of Sciences to her dormitory to review the second exam of Peking University. Listen, do logic and read Su Li's paper. I'm happy to do it, because these are all things I like to do, and they are too technical compared with back analysis. I didn't realize at all that I had to consider adjusting my risk score. Back to school, when everyone finished the national examination and Beijing examination, and everyone was playing, I went to the eighth floor of the library with my computer on my back at 7 o'clock every day, reading books and doing logic problems. Pan Yueqiang, a successful fellow villager who has gone to Peking University Fashuo, also sent me and Ma Yihao a lot of information about his second interview. Perhaps because of the change of the president of Peking University, the re-examination of Peking University was postponed for two weeks, and the content of the re-examination changed greatly. The logic that is the easiest to score is deleted, and the TOEFL listening in the listening question bank is also replaced. I was relaxed before the second interview. At that time, I was thinking about whether to participate in the second interview of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences. Then I thought about it and didn't go. Now that I think about it, I have no regrets. I'm still young, and I still have time to stick to my original intention. The second interview is three hours, half an hour of English listening, two and a half hours to write three articles, two case studies of about 800 words and a big composition of 2000 words. I had a hunch that I was going to take the smog test before the exam, and I had a general framework in my heart, but I didn't think about the ending. It turned out to be a big composition on the smog test, but my first two case studies took up too much time, wasting 15 minutes to conceive a big composition, which led to an anticlimactic writing. Not to mention poor English listening. The listening material is a recording of a foreign professor's class. Dig out the empty word 10 and play the recording three times. But I have never prepared for this kind of question. I only filled in four blanks correctly. More than half of the candidates who take the Master of Laws in Peking University are English majors, but they can fill in 8 or 9 blanks correctly. The re-examination of Peking University accounts for a large proportion, and the English of the re-examination is single, that is, English listening 1 point = 7 points for the initial test = 3 points for the re-examination written test. As you can imagine, my final grade was 1 16, but last year, Peking University didn't recruit around 1 1, only1. When I learned the result, it happened to be the day before Ye Zipeng went to the party school for a second interview. I went to the library to send him a hair dryer. On the way, I called my mother and cried in the path behind the amphitheatre. By the way, I informed my cousin and Ding Qi of the news. Finally, I sat in a chair on the west side of the library, waiting for Ye Zipeng. He came by bike and didn't know what to say. The two of them just kept silent and put an end to the two-year postgraduate entrance examination. I went back to the dormitory and called Ding Qi for an hour, crying from beginning to end. In short, my eyes were swollen in the first few days of my academic performance. I'm not in the mood to think about adjustment. At that time, Xiamen University had a quota, and I thought about whether to adjust Xiamen University. Finally, I thought of Peking University, which made me sad, and gave up. After all, Peking University is my belief. During that time, thanks to the company of my roommates, I didn't want to go out or face the seemingly sympathetic eyes of my classmates, just pretending to be relaxed. A few days after I learned the result, my fellow villagers Zhang, Zhang and Zhang invited me to dinner, which was a comfort to me. I was really touched at that time and thanked them for remembering me when I was down and out. At that time, they were full of confidence in admission.

? Then, we should start to struggle with our future choices, whether to simply go to World War II or to take the postgraduate entrance examination while working. The process of tangled choice is painful, and the more fetters, the deeper the fetters. At that time, my father sent me a long message telling me that I could choose freely and there was no pressure at home. But in the face of my elderly parents and my sister who has been worrying about me, I really dare not be a spoiled child all the time. At that time, almost all my good friends advised me not to work, study hard for one year, and I was sure to be admitted the next year. It was like being split in two. I decided to take the postgraduate entrance examination while working during the day, but I wanted to give up my job at night. But in the end, I can only choose the way to reassure my family, first ensure a stable job, and then do it according to my own ideas after work. Fortunately, I successfully passed the policy of Shandong and got the position of Weihai. I have never been to Weihai before, but I have always had a cordial feeling about Weihai. In order not to affect my sister when I quit my job in the future, I didn't go back to Dezhou City Bureau, thinking of going to the seaside town alone to get what I wanted.

? In the remaining days of school, except for the happy days with my roommates, everything else was torture to me. The sadness of graduation separation was completely covered up by the pain of failure in postgraduate entrance examination. I can't feel the sadness of my classmates' graduation season at all, so I'd better leave school early and go home to prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination next year. During this period, I came into contact with scallops. Because both the initial test and the second test of the postgraduate entrance examination were basically defeated by English, I spent most of my time preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination, and punching cards every day became an important part of my life. Those friends who took the postgraduate entrance examination together were basically accepted, and my life was completely out of touch with them. I'd better not disturb other people's lives. I didn't go through many formalities before graduation and hid at home early. Stay at home every day and seal yourself in a cocoon to heal. Later, I really didn't want to waste time at home every day, so I made an appointment with Xiao Xu to read in the Texas library. On that day, I got up the courage to reopen the analysis I had turned over, and Xiao Xu began to study political science. Opposite the library is the city bureau. Every day at noon, I go to the city bureau canteen with my sister and get acquainted with her colleagues. Twice, my sister was so busy with work that she forgot me, so I had to eat with her director's meal card. The days of studying with Xiao Xu are very practical. I don't have to worry about how much I have to finish every day, just do what I can. Actually, I wasn't very diligent in World War II. I only watch for a few hours every day, but I don't do much. I've been summing up. I insist on punching in English every day to cultivate my sense of language and English thinking. I didn't feel anything at first, but gradually I fell in love with English, which is the weakness of more than ten years. I listen to English by bus every day, and I finished reading that English foreign journal without much effort. Later, school started. Mom will be home alone at noon. I was worried that she could always make do with eating alone, so I went home to accompany her. Reading at home is relaxing. Watch a few hours during the day and watch American TV at night. During that time, I watched Modern Family and Friends. During this period, the work procedures have been completed, so I will stay at home and wait for the notice of the report. I lock myself at home every day, lonely and miserable. My classmates have all started a new life, and only I am still standing still. This feeling is really bad. Only Ding Qi and Xiao Xu often contact me to urge my study. I don't know where I got my confidence, but my mind became very peaceful. I no longer want to "what should I do if I don't pass the exam?" I just try to satisfy myself every day. In the meantime, there was another episode. Because of my negligence, there was something wrong with the postgraduate entrance examination. /kloc-at the beginning of 0/0, my sister asked people everywhere to help me apply for a residence permit in Weihai, otherwise I would not be admitted. At that time, basically everyone went to find it, but the network that applied for the certificate was always disconnected. Three days, basically desperate, crying and sleeping during the day. My sister asked me questions every day, and finally got it done the day before the confirmation. At this time, the notice of registration came, so I took my luggage to Weihai after I got the certificate in the provincial office and started the formal work and study stage.

? In the past two years, I have been obsessed with my own goals, which has brought a lot of trouble to my family, especially my sister. Basically, she helped me solve all my troubles. So how dare I make them worry about me? I knew I would be assigned to the traffic police for a long time, but unfortunately I caught up with the grass-roots policy and worked in the traffic police brigade for a year without setting up a post. If there are no accidents in the first year, you will stand guard on the road to direct traffic. My sister couldn't help sighing that she was also standing guard on the road. I can't help it Many things have developed beyond my imagination. I have no time to complain at the moment. You can only arrange your own review in a limited three or four hours every day. I was assigned to a great unit. Get up at 5: 30 in the morning, go downstairs for training at 6: 00, have breakfast at 6: 20, officially go to work at 7: 00 and get off work at 6: 00 in the afternoon. I've been thinking about the working mode from 8: 30 in the morning to 5: 30 in the afternoon, but I didn't expect such a big gap. I can only accept it all without reservation and think nothing. When I first started training, I was comparable to military training. I practiced traffic police command gestures and my whole body ached. When I get back to the dormitory, I can't move in my bed. Leaders often hold meetings until eight or nine in the evening. I basically watch it from 9: 30 in the evening until 12. At that time, physical exhaustion was enormous, but with a firm goal in life, will played a powerful role. I don't know how I got through that month and a half. At noon, you should squeeze out about 1 hour to memorize the composition. Forget the fatigue of the day at night, and keep yourself in a state of study for only three hours. On weekends, write all the unfamiliar knowledge points on palm-sized cards, and use the time to stand guard and rest during the day to grasp repetition and consolidation. At that time, the mentality was still good, there was no tension and anxiety, just using the available time. Of course, there are times when you are lazy, such as wasting valuable weekend time. Here, I want to thank my good friend Zhang Xiangyu, who is a graduate student of Harbin Institute of Technology. Every weekend when he goes to Harbin Institute of Technology for self-study, he rubs his meal card. The final exam coincided with Christmas, and he cancelled his activities and concentrated on serving me. So, I really appreciate my friends. The second preparation for postgraduate entrance examination is obviously better than the first one, and the number of crashes is much less. One week before the exam, I planned to ask for leave two days in advance to adjust my status. Unfortunately, I met all my classmates and the leader canceled my leave. I broke down at that time, so I had to call Xiao Xu, but he still advised me to keep a good attitude. Examination on February 26th, 65438+February 25th, 65438+I stood on the main road for eight hours, feeling numb and unconscious. I only rested for 20 minutes in the morning. In order to save time, I didn't go to rest. I went to the roadside public toilet and consolidated my English composition about smog in my aunt's cabin. I get off work at 6: 30 in the evening. I went back to work, packed my things, took a taxi to Harbin Institute of Technology, printed out the forecast data of the Franco-Saxon Alliance, confirmed the examination room, bought a cup of soybean milk and breakfast for two days, rode a bicycle borrowed by my classmates, braved the strong wind at the seaside, carried an overweight schoolbag, arrived at the scheduled youth tour and settled down at eight o'clock. After dinner, I began to watch Xiao Si. I was too tired to open my eyes before ten o'clock. I can only set the alarm clock at 6 o'clock in the morning, and I have no dreams all night. I got up in the morning to see Xiao Si, and I watched the unfamiliar content again. After drinking coffee and bread, I went straight to the examination room. I didn't feel anything during the exam. I'm just doing the problem in a dull way, pouring out the knowledge that will soon become my instinct. In the afternoon, I took an English exam. Composition is not the smog I have been expecting. Fortunately, I wrote it smoothly. The next day, I took a professional class. The morning multiple-choice question continues the vague characteristics of last year, but the big problem is that the anti-charging question is more serious. I finished writing the paper half an hour in advance, checked and handed it in, and rushed back to prepare for the comprehensive class in the afternoon. As expected, I didn't take the exam at noon, but I still countered the question. After the exam in the evening, I spoke to Xiao Xu on the phone, which was an infinite relaxation. Zhang Xiangyu was invited to dinner in the evening, and they chatted happily. It's almost a month since the exam ended, and I've slacked off a lot this month. With the approaching of the preliminary test results, I feel more and more uneasy.

In the past two years, I have been obsessed with Peking University. It seems that this exam can define myself. Now I'm trapped in this circle and can't get out and concentrate on my work. Xiao Xu and Ding Qi asked me more than once, if it still doesn't work this year, what are the plans? I'm thinking, but I can't think of it. Like a sponge, Peking University has sucked up all my time and energy in the past two years. But Peking University also gave me a lot. My cousin told me that failure early is better than failure late. The low tide of 20 15 gives me time to thoroughly reflect on the four years of college and live in the present. This failure also made me see the people around me clearly and recognize the intersection principle between people. I no longer need to cater to or reject people I like or hate, but gradually have my own principles and bottom line, and will not delay my time and energy for many unnecessary things. I learned to relax in time and know that relaxation is also a part of my life. Now, when everything is still inconclusive, I write these words with peace of mind and anxiety, but I can't guarantee that fate will always take care of me. What I can do is to accept the status quo with peace of mind and actively prepare for the future. Start with Haruki Murakami's words and end with his words: "Don't worry too much about the present, and don't worry too much about the future. When you experience something, the scenery in front of you is different from before. "

In this long article, I encourage 22-year-old Xiaoqing Zi to seize the day.