Awful! rogue? As long as you look like this, even if you call a gangster, you are here to save me.

Introduction: After drinking with friends in the evening, I took a taxi home. As soon as I got into the taxi, the driver asked me: "Young man, have you been drinking?" I was a little surprised: "Yo! Master, your nose is so sharp, you can smell the smell of alcohol on me?" The driver said, "Smell it, sister! Get off the roof of my car first!" 1. One day I will I found that my roommate’s symptoms of being single were much more serious than mine. He told me: “I haven’t talked to a girl for a long time. I’m going to call my mother...”

2. Classmates go out I always didn't bring money with me when I ate. Once, I finally broke out and asked him why he didn't bring money. Who knew that guy just said "it's too heavy"? . .

3. In the dormitory, I said: "It's raining all the time, what's the trick!" Roommate: It's raining all the time, and the atmosphere is not harmonious. The test scores are so stupid that even God is crying~"

4. During recess, a male classmate accidentally touched a female classmate, and then the female classmate immediately shouted: "Rogue! Then the male classmate said: "Rogue?" As long as you look like this, even if you call the gangsters, they will save me! "Then the female classmate went out crying...

5. I asked my deskmate, "Am I tall? He: "Not high!" Me: "Sure enough, dogs look down upon people!" "Nima, you are so aggressive, it hurts me so much!

6. When my eldest daughter eats biscuits, I tell her to share some with her younger sister! She pretends not to hear and devours all the biscuits. Finished... He raised his head and asked me seriously, what did you just say?

7. After picking up my son from school, I asked him: What did he learn in kindergarten? Three meals are back

8. My son called me on his grandfather’s cell phone, and I said: Oh, dad!

9. There is a girl named "Peace Messenger" in my son's phone book. I was curious and asked my son: This SB has let me down dozens of times.

10. My daughter told me after school today: “Mom, the teacher praised me for being beautiful. I asked: "Why are you so proud?" "The teacher said that you, a little girl, are so beautiful, but why do your handwriting look so ugly?" ”

11. Don’t talk about losing money to eliminate disasters in the future! For a poor person like me, losing money is already an epic disaster!

12. When I first When I heard that snacks and drinks on the plane were free, my first thought was that I must eat well on flights in the future.

13. Those rich second generations every time I watch TV. Even though I screamed and yelled that this was not the life I wanted, I silently said in my heart that this was the life I wanted!

14. I heard the sound of "ding-dong---" and it was very strange. It's strange, I looked around - it turned out to be the sound coming from my wallet... Are you laughing at me?

15. Those who resist temptation are because they have not been tempted, and those who say they are not greedy for money are because they have no power. In the final analysis, it is poverty that makes you an upright person.

16. The rich today. If there is one hundred, he will think about it becoming two hundred tomorrow, four hundred the day after tomorrow, and eight hundred the day after tomorrow.

If the poor has one hundred today, he will spend ten yuan tomorrow. The day after tomorrow costs ten yuan.

17. I don’t want to talk when I don’t have money. Don’t call me every time you see activities that cost more than 1 yuan. I’m so envious. You are so good-looking and rich. You are always showing off your necklace or steering wheel, and you go wherever you go every day. I can only watch your posts silently, and pop in from time to time to prove that I am still alive. . If anyone feels sorry for you, please give me a red envelope to help me get through this month.

Really, I feel so tired. I won’t say anymore. I have to go out and wash my hair when it rains, otherwise the rain will stop again!

18. Chinese men should be as broad and profound as Chinese writing. If you do these four points, your wife will not run away with Lao Wang.

19. Now I can no longer even look at the words "Don't interrupt". .

20. Male: Do you want to go to graduate school? Woman: I think so! Man: Come on, I am!

21. My friend said: I haven’t returned home for 2 years. When I came home today, I heard my 4-year-old daughter call me uncle. Tears welled up and my heart was broken! Me: "It's better than you being away for 4 years and having your 2-year-old daughter call you daddy when you come home!"

22. I often have an affair with a female colleague in the company, tell dirty jokes, and have a happy relationship. One day she sent me a WeChat message saying that she had a fight with her husband and couldn't sleep at Rujia at night and couldn't go home! I thought a gentleman would not take advantage of someone's situation, so I advised her to go home early. She gave me a call back to the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China, and then disappeared. I still don't understand. (ICBC)

23. First couplet: No girl, no one. Second line: There are hands and tissues. Hengpi: I am a diaosi! hey-hey. I became energetic as soon as I heard the connotation.

24. A fat girl just bought a box of diet pills. When she walked out of the door, I heard her and her companions saying that they should go to the buffet. Anyway, I bought diet pills, so I’m not afraid. . .

25. My boyfriend is a relatively conservative person. We have been dating for a year and we slept together for the first time last night. When he took out the condom from under the pillow, I asked curiously. : "Why do you men like to put condoms under your pillow?" My boyfriend looked at me, gritted his teeth, put on his pants and left. . . Do you think there is something wrong with this person? It’s simply baffling!

26. I recently dated a girlfriend. Her family didn’t agree, so they tried to find a solution: hitting her chimney with a slingshot during the day, smashing the glass of her house with bricks at night, and finally, in the end, her father and her Brother beat me up. . . It wasn't until the village chief came forward and asked her mother to promise to marry her daughter to me that she was discharged from the hospital and returned home. . . Don't call me a scumbag, the trick passed down from my ancestors is quite effective. . .

27. The smartest time I was probably was when I was a child! A few friends were playing together, and suddenly they talked about how the electric fan has three leaves! They didn't know, but I thought about it and replied: "Because the plug has three pins, it has three leaves." After saying that, they all admired me, and later they all came to ask me if they met anyone who didn't understand!

28. If there is an afterlife, the king will be as thin as a bean sprout, never relying on and never looking for anything. He will be born too thin and run away when the wind blows. Whether it is a touch of green that turns into tomato and egg soup or a hint of fragrance from boiling soy sauce, it is a happy life. In the end, the epitaph contains only one word: "Doubi".

29. One time while taking a taxi, the driver played Match Match every day while driving! In the end, I couldn't stand it anymore and couldn't help but cursed: Can you get high scores without using free props?

30. The sophomore snuggled into the arms of the junior and said: Why doesn’t my freshman like me? The junior stroked the sophomore's head and said: It's okay, they still like girls now!

Postscript: I just passed by the kindergarten and eavesdropped on the conversation of two children. The first child said: "Why are the picky eaters all children, but why aren't the parents picky eaters?" The second child said: "They buy only what they like to eat, so why should they choose what to eat?" I was instantly petrified, it was simply the truth! Embarrassing phrases that will shock you to death

Introduction: At noon, when a large number of people with his roommates finished eating and were about to leave, Da Zhuang took out a bottle of Yida Xylitol and asked: "Who are you?" Do you want this?" All of us at the table were thinking at the same time, "Hey, you know how to live, and you still have two pills after a meal." I saw him opening the bottle cap with a smile, and then took out a toothpick...

1. A beautiful woman in the office had just returned to work on her first day after her maternity leave. A male colleague quickly made a cup of coffee and brought it to the beautiful woman. The beauty was favored and said: I am breastfeeding and cannot drink coffee! Male colleague: Who asked you to drink it? Please add some milk.

2. On the way home, a beautiful woman with a great figure passed by. When my wife saw it, she sighed and said, "Oh, look at her figure..." I was not happy at the time and said, "I'm envious of you. At first glance, you look like a miserable child who has to carry two mountains on his back to earn a living." , it’s not like you, you have plenty of money at first glance, your mother just built an airport for you...” I won’t say anymore, my face still hurts now...

3. The sun is shining brightly today. I went out shopping and saw the front. There was a goddess with an S-curve in a low skirt and black stockings. I couldn't bear it at that time, so I ran over and asked, "Does the beauty want to have sex?" The goddess looked at me and smiled: Okay! I was excited: Let’s go. Goddess: Where are you going? Just stay here. Me: Uh, no, I’ll be shy. Goddess: It’s okay. Me: Okay, let’s get started. Bang bang bang... Goddess: What else? Me: Ouch, no more, my face hurts...

4. Me: "What are you going to buy?" Beauty: "Bedding." Me: "Then do you think I can do it?" Beauty: He slapped her in the face, cursed: "Rogue," and ran away.

5. While driving, my girlfriend saw a beautiful young woman holding a child, and said with envy: Look at her figure, how good she is after giving birth! I casually said: Comparing people should be punished, but comparing goods should be... I won’t say that my face hurts...

6. At night, my daughter in kindergarten was sitting under the lamp doing her homework. She saw I was watching TV, so I tilted my head and said, "Dad, I will do something for you, and you will do something for me, okay?" I smiled and said, "Okay, what is it?" My daughter quickly grabbed it. My remote control, and then handed me the pencil in his hand and said: "You help me do my homework, and I will help you watch TV."

7. On my son's fifth birthday, my wife bought him Wearing a small suit with a small bow tie, my son looks particularly handsome in it. The little guy was showing off in front of the mirror, and suddenly said to me mysteriously: "Dad, do you think I look a little younger in a suit?"

8. Grandson: Why is he 60 years old? Is it sixty years old? Grandpa: That’s what you call Geely... In a few days, your grandson will take the exam... Grandpa: How many points will he get? Sun Tzu: It’s very auspicious to get a sixtieth grade in the exam!

9. Asked my 9-year-old nephew: "What do you want to do when you grow up?" He replied thoughtfully: "Director." Asked: "Why?" He said: "Hey, uncle, you "I understand."

10. My six-year-old son accidentally looked at his wife's ID card, and he saw that it read gender: female, ethnicity: Han. So I said to my wife: "Mom, it says on your ID card that you are a tomboy and you still don't admit it!"

11. I said to the goddess: "I like you." "Oh." "I like you." "Ah!" "Don't say a word all the time, okay?" "Okay." "You like me too, right?" "No."

12. The goddess said she She was bored and asked me if I wanted to have dinner together. I said frustratedly: "Forget it, I know you don't actually like me." The goddess immediately retorted excitedly: "Who said that?" I felt happy: " So you like me? ""No, I just want to know who told you this secret." 13. I met my ex-girlfriend and her child while chatting. Age, I asked her excitedly: "So you were already pregnant when you broke up with me. Could it be that this child is..." My ex-girlfriend interrupted me and said, "Don't think too much, it's just because you had a child with someone else. I just broke up with you.”

14. A: Today’s girls are always hooking up with strangers. Like Momo, shake it... B: Yes, I am also very annoyed by this phenomenon. A: What are you angry about? B: I’ve been dating for so long and no one has asked me out.

15. I have been chasing a girl for a while. Last night, I confessed to her: "Honey, will you be my girlfriend?" The girl said: "I just want to find someone I like. Man, it’s a pity that you’re not..." I was shocked: "Why? We get along very well during this time!" Girl: "It feels great when you go to the toilet, right?"

16. When I saw the "Be careful when bumping" placard, I wanted to tear it off, but I found that no matter how hard I jumped, I still couldn't reach it...

17 , A: It’s my first time to celebrate Chinese Valentine’s Day, can I call it the first seven? B: Let me ask you, can the clothes you wear on your birthday be called a shroud?

18. There was a girl in the dance hall. She couldn’t dance, so she was eating melon seeds next to her. A man came over and wanted to ask her to dance. He extended his hand to her, and she gave him a handful. Melon seeds...

19. A woman called the police and said: "The man in the building opposite does not wear clothes, does not draw the curtains, and exposes his lower body." Pol.ice came and looked at it carefully for a long time and said: " Why didn't I see that the man opposite was not wearing underwear? He was only visible from the waist up." The woman said angrily, "You can see it if you move a chair and stand up."

20. The rich second generation. : "Do you know who my dad is?! Ah!" pol.ice: "Who your dad is is your mother's secret!"

21. A girl came over to sell me a tourist attraction route map , I asked her: "How much?" She said: "Ten yuan a piece." I immediately took the picture and took a photo of it with my phone, and then returned the picture to her. She...

22. "This Rubik's Cube is so difficult that I couldn't figure it out even after playing for a long time." "If there's anything difficult, I can do it with my feet, and it only takes one second." " Really?" "Kick the Rubik's Cube into the paint bucket."

23. Woman: "Honey, how much do you think it will cost for me to have plastic surgery?" Man: "Two yuan." : "I hate it, I'm being serious." Man: "You're not kidding, you spend one dollar to take the bus, the doctor shakes his head after looking at it, it can't be cured, you spend one dollar and come back."

24. Me Girl, I went to my cousin's house to play in the evening. She was going back, but he had to go and see her off. Me: No need to give it away, it’s okay, I’m safe. Cousin: Once it gets dark, who cares whether you look good or not...

25. The goddess posted a beautiful selfie in the space, and a bunch of people below commented on how beautiful it is. I commented: You guys Let’s talk first, I’m going to the toilet. Then the goddess sent me a vicious message: What the hell do you mean? You went to the toilet and vomited, right?

26. Female: Wow... My wallet is so pitiful. I have never seen much money in my life. Man: Your mirror is pitiful. You have never seen a decent person in your life.

27. A couple in the elevator. Woman: "Hug." Man: "No hug." Woman: "Why?" Man: "It's not that I don't want to hug you. The time has not come yet." Woman: "Go away..."

28. Night , I had a tryst with my female classmate by the river. Looking at the gurgling water in the river and the dots of stars in the sky, I looked at her emotionally and said: "This scene, I can't help but think of an ancient love song. I sang to Listen." She nodded shyly, and I picked up the guitar at hand: "The river flows eastward, and the stars in the sky join the Big Dipper -"

29. I played the first few songs in the dormitory today. I took out the spicy sticks I bought and planned to eat them. When I smelled them, there was a slight smell, so I threw them away... Roommate 2B suddenly said: I didn't realize that you are the real rich man. You only smell the spicy sticks when you eat them...

30. In the school library, there was a very beautiful girl with long hair sitting next to me. I smiled and walked up to chat with her: "Are you a science major?" She replied without looking up: " "Ignore it."

Editor's note: I got up in the morning and washed my hair. After washing my roommate, I came over excitedly and asked, "Do you feel that you have become more handsome after washing your hair?" "It seems a little bit." The guy said directly: "My thoughts will be different once my head is filled with water."

"Your sister, come here and let's have a good talk! Northern Ireland is not afraid of funny hooligans, it's just that the hooligans are educated

1. Cherish life and stay away from Cheng Feng.

2. People In heaven, money is in the bank.

3. There are thousands of Chinese people. If it doesn’t work, let’s just change it!

4. Love in contemporary Liangshan! Uncle, four-eyed Romeo.

5. Faced with the bad problems in your private life, we choose to fight side by side and share the same hatred.

6. Go change the car, the car is the face of the man. , A man can be beaten anywhere, but he can’t be slapped in the face.

7. You can’t take revenge on your father as a career!

8. Don’t look at what listed companies are called outside. , in fact, it is no different from the wonton stall downstairs. Here, Lao Cheng is the emperor, the general, and the prime minister, and the shareholders are loyal and filial.

9. I met someone recently. She made me feel that I have all the skills in martial arts. Lost and lost all his skills.

10. Don’t you claim that you can capture all male animals within three days?

11. Don’t mention Lin Xia to me. Words are terrible. Lin Xia is stronger than a tiger...

12. The wind is rustling and the water is cold. If you don’t take the order, you will never return it.

13. That grandson is me. Watching him grow up, I understand him just like a farmer uncle understands shit

14. "You are sick" "What's wrong with me? You have medicine"

15. , I am not afraid of gangsters, I am afraid that gangsters are educated.

16. Is that a mobile phone or a massager?

17. The highest level of working is to watch other people working. Receive other people's wages.

18. You are not so active in paying taxes, so why are you so excited about someone committing suicide?

19. The ninth level of the magic of love, the highest state of the beauty hunt. ：Xiong Xiazi breaks off the corns and throws them away.

20. In today's society, love is an exchange of equal value. The only difference is whether you are buying dollars or renminbi.

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21. At least once in life, I should forget myself for someone, not asking for results, not asking for peers, not asking for what I have had, not even asking her to love me, just asking for my best years. I met that person.

23. Although I am not an impatient person, I am not a person once my temper becomes impatient.

24. I don’t keep things that I can buy. No one can take away what you can’t buy.

25. If a man can’t handle a woman, what do you think he can handle?

26. “You. "What's wrong?" "I'm wrong?" "Where's the mistake?" "I shouldn't do harm to the people."

27. Do you know what ultimately triggered the breakup between Wu Di and me? ——I fell in love with a pair of shoes, which cost 3,500 yuan. Wu Di couldn't afford them, so Andy bought them for me.

28. No matter what kind of man I am with, we women will be hurt in the end. Then why don’t I find a rich man? Even if I can’t rely on them, I can still rely on them. Money!

29. Wu Di! Do you believe it? If you step out of here today, I will start a bloody storm in the women's world in Beijing. Do you believe it?

30. Teacher Wang, I specially come to thank you today for all the care and love you gave me during the crucial four years of my life from the age of 3 to 7, which enabled me to become a child. My Yushu Linfeng and a talented person today.

31. When I grow up, if I am a woman, I will become a doctor; if I am a man, I will become a policeman.

32. Normally, if a woman is good with a man, she will no longer miss her ex. This is based on the fact that all female animals need to be loyal to the nature of a male animal in order to devote themselves wholeheartedly. To cultivate the next generation co-created with her.

33. To be precise, women are not loving two men at the same time, but comparing two men at the same time.

34. The four beauties in Beijing have gathered together. There is Lin Xia, who is as fiery and unrestrained as summer, Shen Bing, who is as fresh and cool as winter, and Yang Zixi, who is as bright and bright as spring. There is also Miss Wu, who is as enchanting as autumn!

A great sentence for talking back and arguing: Don’t be afraid of gangsters, be more gangster than gangsters

He knows that strong melons are not sweet, but he doesn’t like to eat melons.

To turn your dreams into reality, the first step is to wake up.

Beauty is seen in the eyes of the loving, but idiotic in the eyes of the ruthless.

I don’t curse because I have strong hands-on skills.

For a loser-looking person, looking in the mirror is equivalent to watching a ghost movie.

Classic sentence: If you have something, don’t get sick; if you don’t have anything, don’t have money.

Women, showing wisdom is more sexy than showing thighs.

I am depressed, and I especially want to tell the whole world.

The classroom is a place where living people stay. If you find it too noisy, you can go to the morgue.

It’s not that I’m bending the rules, it’s that your brain cells are exhausted and you can’t make the bend.

Gold always shines, glass like you can only reflect light

Don’t do anything after graduation, just be my wife

What? When I received the red envelope, I opened it and it said "One More Pack"

All wind and cooling that are not for the purpose of snow are just hooligans

This wind is so obscene, it blew my My lips were dry from kisses.

Others laugh at me for being too unrestrained, but I laugh at them for not being open-minded.

It is said that women are a disaster, but you are the result of the disaster

If you smile once for ten years, then if you smile twice, you will die immediately

Whenever When people ask me what to do, I will say to do it to death

Life is a mobile person, death is a mobile soul, is it impossible for me to use China Unicom to die?

Sister wear Tight pants are not to show off your figure, but to prevent thieves.

Boss, bring me a bottle of 520 so that I can put my broken heart back together.

If wages could rise as fast as housing prices, the world would be really lovely.

Classic Quote: If you were an angel, the price for seeing you would be my death.

Enjoying a moment of blank brain every day, my thoughts become simpler.

Don’t be afraid when you meet a gangster, be more gangster than a gangster.

Youth is running wildly and then falling gorgeously.

It’s not that I can’t read, it’s that the book doesn’t let me understand it.

In addition to sulfuric acid, there are also makeup removers that can disfigure people.

Nostalgia is not because of how good that era was, but because you were young at that time.

When there was thunder, I stood under the big tree and said to God, I also want to travel through time.

This classmate is really rude and won’t even talk to me in class.