Help joke master!

1 I am a male teacher. Hemorrhoids committed, pad a piece of sanitary towel (sanitary towel is the wife's). When I was playing basketball at school, the damn thing fell out along my trouser leg, and there was blood on it ~~~ ~

There were many students around the stadium to watch the game, NND, it's not impossible to pick it up ...

2 When I was living in high school, some students came home and asked him to pick something up for me, so they sent a text message: Burn me some clothes and money.

3 I cooked crabs last night. After the water boiled, I threw them into the pot one by one. The crab is very fresh and moves around in the pot.

My wife was careful, so she couldn't see this, so she hid behind me and covered her eyes.

I said with relief, Jia Jia, are we too cruel? Wife: Hmm ............................................................................................................................................................................

4 Our old man who teaches chemistry is 8 degrees short-sighted. After writing on the blackboard in class, he suddenly turned to me and shouted,

What are you standing for! ! Sit down! ! I was sitting in the seat in the last row, and my coat was hanging on the wall behind me ...

In the first aid class at university on the 5th, the professor gave a demonstration while talking about cardiopulmonary resuscitation:

Professor: Press your chest with both hands, not too hard, just press 2~3cm, it is easy to break the patient's ribs!

Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hands hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken.

Embarrassed to say, after class ~

6 University went to Shenzhen to sketch, and strolled along the road with his classmates. Suddenly, a male classmate walked to the side of the road, patted a man on the shoulder and asked, "Excuse me, big brother," was it because his brain was crowded by the door, and he even asked the bank teller! ! The cashier may not have heard you clearly either. Looking back, I nervously pointed at him with a gun (big spray): "What are you doing! What are you doing! " When my classmate saw the gun pointed at him,

he cried in horror and said, "No offense, but I'll ask what time it is.". . . . .

bursting waterfall sweat. . . . . . .

7 when I graduated from primary school, I bought an evil graduation book, because it said that the constellation from January 2th to February 18th was-

-Aquarius

Later, when people asked me what constellation you were, I always said it was Aquarius!

8 after work with my former colleagues, I walked across the street from the company to the station. A man came across and stared at me for a while. I just wanted to ask him if he knew me. The man looked at me and then threw up! That's embarrassing ~~

That man is a drunk!

I was speechless, and my colleagues burst into laughter. Since then, this matter has spread through the ages. . .

Colleagues say to everyone, * * * That's ugly. That person threw up at her. . .

9

My friend was drunk once. According to his mother, he was in the toilet, holding the phone in his right hand, pressing his left hand against the mirror, and looking at the "prisoner" in the mirror affectionately: Did you eat well? Has the prison been strictly controlled recently? Try to get out as soon as possible ...

1

Once, because I had something to contact a classmate, but his number was not stored in my mobile phone, I sent a text message to another classmate who knew him very well, "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. After 5 minutes, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the short message and wrote, "Yes". In desperation, I can only send a text message to this big brother again, "So, please tell me?" I waited for another five minutes and received a reply. I couldn't wait to open it again, and two other words were written impressively, "Good"!

11

When I first went to college, I was very surprised. Once again, the teacher asked me to give a ppt presentation, which I had never used before. It happened that I was the first to go up and talk, and the projector didn't respond after I turned on the computer for a long time.

the following guys shouted, press F2, press F2!

So I hesitated and asked: Are the two keys pressed at the same time?

12

A little girl ran to the counter and said to me,' Aunt, give me a packet of ketchup. '

I'm a boy, at least that's what it says on my ID card.

So I smiled and handed it to her and said,' No problem, little brother. '

The little girl was stunned:' I'm not a little brother.

me: am I an aunt?

the little girl took the ketchup and ran away in a hurry!

13

When I graduated from graduate school, a girl and two boys in my class helped her to move five boxes of things from the seventh floor to the first floor. The tired boys almost gave up their breath, and the aunt who looked at the building couldn't see the past. She said something that made me feel so sorry, "My boyfriend is not willing to use it, but someone else's boyfriend is eager to use it."

14

I called my friend when I went out one day and asked her to come out with me. Then I got on the bus and called her by the way: "Have you arrived, Xiao M? Are you going out now? " Then my friend Xiao M said, "I'm taking a bus!"

I said, "I took the 1X bus, which one do you take?" My friend was overjoyed: "Me too!"

I felt something was wrong. I saw the opposite person looking at me like a psychopath. I subconsciously looked back and found my friend Xiao M sitting in the seat behind me: "Have you arrived?" Have you arrived yet? Why don't you talk? Hey ... "

15

Once I took the No.45 bus to the Bell Tower, I met a middle-aged woman on the way. There were not many people in the car at that time, but she was standing next to me and another MM. I subconsciously put my bag in front of me, but the MM next to me looked out of the window oblivious. Soon, the middle-aged woman reached into MM's bag with one hand. Just then, I suddenly let out a loud fart, which made the car full of people look at me. I was so ashamed that I couldn't wait to find a hole drill. However, the middle-aged woman quickly retracted her hand to cover her nose! Ha ha! "

16

When I was a freshman, the girls in the whole dormitory were very simple. None of us had ever seen the real condom.

when we chatted one night, we gathered in front of the computer to search for pictures. As a result, we only found the unopened pictures of the boxes and small packages, but not the unfolded ones, so we decided to buy one from the coin machines on the roadside collectively.

As a result, all the machines were rusty, and a group of us gathered around the box to discuss whether there was anything in it, whether it was worth wasting a coin, and so on. Passers-by were probably very sweaty when they saw us ...

Finally, they bought one, and one of the girls was shocked: "It's so small!" We all despised it and said that we would take it back to the dormitory and tear it down.

After opening it, most of us thought it was similar to our own imagination, but the girl still said, "Why so small! Then how to cover people up? " We were all knocked over by thunder. It turned out that she thought that condoms were meant to cover the whole person ...

Later, when we saw disposable raincoats in the supermarket, we would all say "your TT" to her.

17

The moral education director of our high school spoke very forcefully.

Classic paragraph: Now there is a very uncivilized phenomenon in our school. Many students play basketball with bare arms, and most of them are boys!

Are there still a few girls with bare arms?

18

A classmate in high school is nearsighted for nearly a thousand degrees, and he can't be a man without glasses ...

He broke his glasses once while playing, and continued to play for the first three points ...

As a result, he got into a hollow ...

The whole audience was quiet ...

Then I (he and I are different teams) picked up the ball and threw it to him for a tee ... You kick off ...

19

Video: TV Sniper Episode 23

Comments:

Ku 6 User IP: 58.57.7. * Published at 22: 8 on August 16, 29

I watched many anti-Japanese movies, so why are all traitors from China? < p Tell them ~ ~ My car was stolen by the person in front, so lend it to me to chase him ~ My aunt's husband ignored him and kept driving ~ The aunt sat behind and said ~ ~ ~ I lent you my car, so what car shall I take to chase you?-

21

I had a drink with my friends once, and I drank it for nothing from afternoon to evening. He vomited on his mouth and all the red wine he absorbed. He froze for a second and cried with his head in his arms. It was heartbreaking. I said helplessly, "Don't vomit all over me, it's okay, don't cry." He looked ……

23

My classmate (MM) from a senior high school was sent by the school to promote AIDS Day. On that day, they moved a stool around the classroom and waited for the teacher to give a speech.

At this time, someone came in and gave everyone a banana in turn.

My classmate's name was Happy Hey ~ She could eat fruit after listening to the lecture.

She was with the person next to her. Have fun eating the skin

At this time, the teacher came in and gave everyone a TT

It turned out that the banana was used for TT

But my classmate only had a banana skin left in his hand. .

24

The college entrance examination is coming soon, and the third year of our school must be nervous. On Monday, the flag was raised, and a female sophomore gave a speech on the screen: ... All senior students should face the college entrance examination seriously, give full play to their best level, and don't repeat the mistakes made in the senior high school entrance examination ...

25

The chemistry teacher made experiments with dilute hydrochloric acid and zinc, and he prepared test tubes and so on.

classmate: teacher, you didn't put zinc!

teacher: this student answered very well!

26

When I was in middle school, Wenquxing became popular. My classmate had money, so he bought one, which cost 2 yuan in 1998.

I wanted to borrow his play for a while. When I went to a place to play, I asked him what his password was.

He didn't say, but he said not to read it, personal information.

So, I asked him. I overheard him typing the password. I was secretly pleased to see that he had typed six identical characters. The original password was so simple, so I looked for an opportunity to read it.

So, one day, while he was out, I turned out his music star and typed it quickly. I saw the six rice characters * * * * * *

...

27

there is a police car next to the bus when waiting for the traffic lights.

men don't know why they hate pol.ice so much. They say to the boy, "Look, son, they are pol.ice. Pol.ice

You know, they are all sons of the people. I am the people, and pol.ice is my son! "

a second later, the boy shouted, "then I am pol.ice's grandfather!" "

the people sitting next to us couldn't help laughing.

28

I bought a bus card holder

There was a pattern on it that looked like a chicken

But we weren't sure it was a chicken

They laughed at me and said that I had no taste to buy such an ugly thing

I was unconvinced and said loudly what's wrong with the chicken? The chicken also has dignity (I was keen to say that xx also has dignity at that time)

After that, I found that all the people in the hall had dignity.

best friend: "I have a small waist."

I disdained: "That's a pig's waist."

The best friend was unhappy and asked, "What waist are you?"

answer: "waist."

3

In junior high school, two sets of independent desks and chairs were put together, and I quarreled with my deskmate (male). Then I buried my head in anger and wrote my name in my exercise book, and then I stood up to hand in my homework. I saw my deskmate sitting on his small stool and holding his small desk. . The whole thing turned out. . . I was shocked. I don't know why. He slowly struggled to get up from his desk and chair and said piteously, I thought you were going to stand up and hit me ...

31

I finally went out on a date with my handsome brother who had a crush on junior high school the other day

I dressed up ~ I put on a chest sticker because I wore clothes with a big collar ..

I ate it very sweetly.

I looked down blankly, OMG! The chest patch slipped off! And it stuck to the hem of the dress ~

I calmly took it off and threw it into the trash can: "I don't know what it was ~ I think it stuck somewhere."

So we both continued to walk

And my hand, held on my chest, never came down ...

32

In the dormitory, a classmate chatted with us.

33

Once in physical education class, the teacher announced solemnly with a straight face: Today, I want to criticize two classmates, a man and a woman. A boy standing behind me muttered: dog men and women! A dog man and a woman! The teacher said loudly, I'm talking about you, you and XX (another woman) ~ ~ the whole class burst into laughter ~

34

The other day, I saw a news on the Internet: the singer was arrested for taking drugs with a smile ...

I wondered ...

Why do you take drugs with a smile?

why does the news specifically point out that drug addicts take drugs with smiles?

Later, I learned that Xiaoxiao was a singer ...

35

A few years ago, when I was working as a secretary in the company, I was in a hurry and rushed to the toilet. I found that the door of the ladies' room was left unlocked. Because the toilet was a single pit, I dared to enter rashly, so I knocked on the door to test it, only to hear a female voice calmly answer: Please come in ~! !

36

I dropped a key when I was looking for my pocket. I didn't find it at that time, so I went back to look for it later!

There was a couple on the roadside, and the man suddenly said excitedly, Whose is it? Whose is it?

at that time, I thought it was the key. I quickly said, mine, mine! It was my

who later learned that the woman was pregnant. . . .

pity my face. . . It hurt for a few days

37

When I was young and ignorant, I only saw my mother wearing a bra, and I thought that the bra was my mother's exclusive thing. So for a while, I went to the yard with a clothes pole every day to take all the bras home. Neighbor women come to my house every day to ask for bras, and I guard the door every day and yell at them, it's all my mother! ~

38

I'm a washerwoman. Today, I accidentally wiped out the tattoo of a social boss.

39

At school, the school was a bungalow.