Full collection of humorous jokes and jokes

1. The little me sees through everything with a worldly perspective

2. The desolate world is confusing, so stop talking nonsense in front of me

3. I I advise you not to touch my bottom line, otherwise you will not be able to bear the consequences

4. If you are always so rational, you will never get true love

5. How can you succeed without working hard? Among people, if you don’t endure hardship, how can you know the hard work of your parents

6. If you don’t have the potential to be a lady, you must have the awareness to be a tomboy

7. I am not you, do I can’t look like you want, let alone be as perfect as you think

8. What’s wrong with a female man? When I become a strong woman, I will also look down on you before.

9. Are you worthy of saying that I love you? I don’t even know how to repay my love for you, what else do you know

10. Sister drinks because she wants to forget the temporary pain. I will realize it after I pass it

11 , Even if you understand what kind of person I am, you don’t know what kind of heart I have

12. Stop pretending to be kind in front of me, I should have understood your hypocrisy long ago

13. Always pretend to be stupid, always naive, at least she looks happy

14. Everyone has their own way to go, and all the sadness has nothing to do with others

15. Don’t compare others with yourself, you never know what they have gone through

16. Whether you are here or not, I am here, waiting for you to look back again

19. I am your little monster, you will never know how much it loves Ultraman

20. Can you please not mention it to others, you once loved me

21. I didn’t have time to participate in your past, but I missed your future

22. I am not the person you want or give up if you don’t want it

23. What’s so great about being in love? Just get married if you can.

24. Not all relationships are like family love and never leave.

25. Free, from now on Then we stopped contacting each other, and finally it was time to say goodbye

26. No one will appear in your life twice, and this will not teach you to cherish it

27. Do you love someone anymore? Saying that is the saddest thing, let everything become a secret

28. The largest church in the world cannot contain your sins

29. Others do not treat you as a person. It's the same thing, so don't think too highly of yourself

30. My sister is the mandala, beautiful but also the most deadly

31. A truly brave person dares to face the dripping blood , Dare to face life head-on

32. Don’t pretend to be warm-hearted in front of your sister, she can freeze you into ice at more than ten degrees below zero

33. Don’t talk nonsense about **** men, talk about love Don’t let go when you have the ability

34. I don’t deserve your love, and you don’t deserve to trample on my love.

35. Love doesn’t matter. I only want my family affection and will never let it go. Just betray me

36. If you get too close to you, you will know that it hurts the most when the knife stabs me

37. I will let you remember me For a lifetime, so I won’t let you go easily

38. Either come and give me happiness in person, or don’t interfere with my happiness from now on

39. People don’t love me , I don’t love others; if someone loves me, he will give his body to you

40. Don’t think that if you draw an eye on your forehead, you are Yang Jian, and I am still a white-bone spirit

41. As long as you still love me, I don't mind letting you go

Give up the whole world

42. I am not gentle or ladylike, but I am strong and have a style that you don’t have

43. Agree to be my lover, then you must be worthy of your lover These two words

44. So what if you leave, I will still be the same person, and I will still be happy

45. Do you know why I don’t fall in love? Because family affection is more qualified to say forever than love

46. Your sister! Why suppress yourself and go to fulfill others

47. Everyone has his own destiny, what does everything have to do with others

48. God has destined your fate, but you can Choose to stay or leave

49. The man I like is not handsome or rich, but what does it matter?

50. If you ask me what I like about you, I Say I like you and stay away from me. A collection of humorous and funny sayings

1. God has arranged our destiny, but forgot to give us instructions.

2. When I was in college, I saw my roommate playing games in the dormitory one day. I said to him: "We have exams tomorrow, and you still don't read?" My roommate calmly replied: "The day after tomorrow, is it possible? Did I remember it wrong?" So I continued to argue with him. Just when we were having an argument, another guy in the dormitory asked in surprise: "You didn't go to the exam in the morning!"

3. Time has taught me that I don't have to wait for anyone except express delivery.

4. After growing up, I have not learned anything else, but I have mastered a special skill. I can sleep without sleeping pills during the day, and I can be excited without stimulants at night.

5. I warn you not to touch my bottom line, otherwise I will have to change my bottom line again.

6. I don’t know how to say it, but I hope everyone can stop forwarding pornographic videos in the space. I think this kind of behavior is very bad and has a really bad impact on others. For example, if you want me to crawl out of bed to look for headphones to watch in the middle of winter, that’s too much!

7. If I had known that this was a world based on appearance, I would have used my school money to have plastic surgery.

8. Girls generally don’t use voice when chatting. If a girl uses voice to chat with you, your relationship with her is definitely not ordinary. If you delete the note to you, she will be able to tell at a glance that it is from you. information.

9. What kind of brothers and what kind of friends? I have seen through it all. He talks so nice, but in such a cold weather, I am not willing to borrow my girlfriend to sleep with him for two days.

10. Mirrors are installed in the school stairs to tell you that ugly people should study more.

11. The man I love is an unparalleled hero. One day he will flash into the tower and marry me in three stages of displacement. I guessed right, but I couldn’t guess that this monkey came up with a stick.

12. I have played with many men, such as: Li Bai, Han Xin, Sun Wukong, Hou Yi, Xiang Yu, Dian Wei and so on.

13. When I saw a person who looked very much like you, I chased him. Suddenly I remembered that you were not in this city. I put down the brick in my hand and almost hit the wrong person.

14. There are no roads in the world. There are so many people walking around that I don’t know how to get around.

15. "If teachers of Chinese, Mathematics, English, Physics, Thinking, History, Geography and Politics walked into the classroom at the same time, what would you think of?" "The Eight-Power Allied Forces War of Aggression against China."

16. You If it was as long as your selfie, how could you not have a boyfriend?

17. I hope that one day we can become strangers again, and then we can get to know you again. Look at how I can kill you!

18. "What can make you put down your dignity and humble yourself?" "Copy homework"

19. I just read the news and said that both generations of mother and daughter are flight attendants. I don't know. What's so cool about this, it's just two generations of mother and daughter! Our ancestors have been farmers for eighteen generations, and I have never shown it off! Am I proud? Am I bloated?

20. Before I had time to touch the flowers and grass, the flowers and grass were plucked up by others.

21. When I used to play King of Kings, I was scolded by my teammates every day. Gradually, I improved my combat ability, and now they don’t scold me anymore, because they can no longer scold me.

22. You are only young once. How can you tell your son about those years without going crazy?

23. When I was in school, I often did dissections and was used to dead people. At night, the dormitory was hotter than a steamer. So my second-rate roommate suddenly thought: The morgue has air conditioning. How about we sleep there? , I have the key. The other idiot immediately said yes, and the two of them went. The next day, the gatekeeper was hospitalized.

24. Now I am not good in liberal arts and science, so I can only study magic.

25. When I was a kid, there was a cartoon. I just listened to the theme song and thought it was about the legendary deeds of a father and son, a master thief. That song goes like this: "The son of a big thief, and the father of a thief..."

26. If you compare yourself to me, you will definitely lose, because I am too lazy to compare with you.

27. My father taught me: "Don't be deceived by men. Don't believe what men say." For a moment, I didn't know whether I should listen to my father or not.

28. When I found that all wifi had passwords, I deeply felt the malice of this world.

29. Someone saying "I'm hungry" is a very challenging sentence: tell your mother, she will get up immediately and say "I'll get you something to eat." Tell dad, he will smile and say, "Okay, let's go out to eat." Say it to your boyfriend, and he will say gently: "What do you want to eat?" Say it to your girlfriend, and she will always reply: "Me too." Therefore, more and more boys choose to find a boyfriend.

30. I have seen countless gangsters, but I still can’t stand you, a scumbag.

31. When I was arguing with my wife, I roared: "Don't think that because you are pretty, I won't dare to hit you!" I thought she would be very happy after hearing this, but she said: "Don't think that I won't hit you because you are pretty!" What you said makes sense and I will let you go!"

32. The boy rode a tall horse to the edge of the cliff, turned back to his beloved girl and said, "Let me ask you one last question, will you marry or not? Marry me, if you don't marry me, there is no point in my life, so I will jump off this cliff." The girl was moved and shouted "Marry" to the boy, and the horse rushed down the cliff with a roar.

33. I caught the bus in the morning. When I arrived at the platform, the bus had already started. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me!" At this time, a passenger stuck his head out of the window and said to me: "Wukong, please stop chasing me."

34. Violence cannot solve problems, but it can relieve anger.

35. Ever since you borrowed money from me, I have been thinking about you every penny.

36. Many aunties said that I am handsome today, so why don’t you introduce your daughters to me!

37. I wanted to cry a little, but then it started to rain. I hurriedly ran to ask my mother about my life experience and why the fact that I was the third princess of the East China Sea had been hidden from me for so many years.

38. Always remind yourself that life is short, and you should enjoy yourself in time and sleep with those who want to sleep.

39. There is a reason why I don’t reply instantly. There is a time difference between our fairy world and the human world, so I may often not be able to reply instantly.

40. "How do girls feel about boys being dirty?" "Those who get along can work together."

41. In fact, I quite like mathematics. It does not have the roundaboutness of Chinese or the grammar of English. , without the complexity and information content of history and politics, it only has what it can’t do, what it can’t do, and what it can’t do.

42. A fat girl dared not take the elevator because she lacked confidence, so she insisted on taking the stairs to work every day. So, after nearly a month of hard work, she was fired because she was often late.

43. Parents, please pay attention: In the past few days, a new type of fraud has appeared in the society. Scammers will forge a report card with a very low score, and use e-school communication, WeChat and class teachers to In the name of others, they lied about their children's problems, sowing discord and causing serious family disagreements. Parents should delete text messages about problems immediately after receiving them and don't believe them. Feel free to forward positive energy. Collection of humorous and funny jokes

Collection of humorous and funny jokes

1. I met a gangster brother a few days ago. He has a carp tattooed on both sides of his calf, one red and one black, with the fish head facing forward on the left Up, with the right side facing down, it has a powerful shape and a ferocious face, which is very scary. During the meal, someone finally asked about the meaning of the tattoo. The eldest brother lit a cigarette and said: I was born on March 15, 1976... We all pricked up our ears, waiting for the next story that was destined to be bloody. The eldest brother breathed a cigarette and then said: I am a Pisces (@Memory Special Little Vest)

2. There was a fire in a hospital. After the firefighter put out the fire, he reported to the director: The fire has been put out, we Three injured people were found in the basement. Two of them were revived with artificial respiration, but the other could not be saved. When the dean heard this, he fainted, and everyone started to save the dean again. Finally, the dean woke up and said: Our basement is a morgue. . .

3. The pastor’s daughter was sleeping upstairs and crying. The pastor went upstairs and asked her why she was crying. Dad, I'm afraid. Don't be afraid, baby. God is with you. Dad, come and be with God, and I’ll go down and be with mom, okay?

4. At the graduation ceremony, the principal announced that the top student in the grade would come to the stage to receive the award, but he shouted continuously After several calls, the student slowly walked onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the student: What's wrong? Are you sick? Or did you not hear clearly just now? The student replied: No, I am afraid that other students did not hear clearly.

5. The kindergarten teacher is asking questions to the children. After asking one question, he asked the next one, but one child kept raising his hand high! When it was finally the child's turn, he put his hand down. The teacher asked: You have been waiting for so long, why did you put your hand down when it was your turn? The child replied: It was too late, he had already peed.

6. All-inclusive hairy leg stockings, a must-have for women to prevent sexual harassment in summer.

7. I went shopping with my girlfriend today to buy clothes. After entering a women's clothing store, I sat on the sofa. At this time, I saw a six or seven-year-old young lady running around. He suddenly ran to the door of the fitting room and shouted: The time to witness the miracle has arrived! The curtain of the fitting room was opened.

8. The man and woman have been married for half a year, and the woman has been drinking red wine for four months. One day I asked a man: They say drinking red wine is good for my appearance. Do you think I am getting younger? I am almost a girl, right? Man: I am talking about IQ. If I drink red wine for two months, I can go to kindergarten.

9. The reason why you can see the tomboyish side of a woman is because she doesn’t like you at all. . .

10. Today I took my four-year-old daughter to see the fairy tale Cinderella. She asked me: Mom, what is a stepmother? I said she is a stepmother. After watching for a while, my daughter said to me with tears in her eyes: Mom, why is this stepmother worse than you?

A collection of humorous and funny jokes

1. Brother’s words: I decorated my home very romantically today, with roses on the sofa. Put your girlfriend on the sofa and prepare to have sex. . My girlfriend is breaking up with me now. . Damn it, I forgot to remove the thorns from the rose. .

I silently made a repair: Is the puncture leaking?

2. There are a few things that Chinese people seem to like to do when they come to the United States: 1) Buy a porn magazine. 2) Go to the driving range and play with guns. 3) Go to the door of the White House and hold up a sign shouting: Obama steps down. 4) Log in to Google and search for domestic banned words. 5) Go to outlets to buy clothes. 6) When I visited a prestigious school, I found that there wasn’t even a decent school gate. 7) Find a way to circumvent the wall and return to China to download songs. 8) Do something bad and say something bad.

3. There is a widow with hundreds of millions of assets. She is nearly 50 years old, but her charm is still there and she looks much younger than her actual age. Later she married a handsome man who was only 30 years old. "How come you are so different in age? How could he marry you?" asked the widow's close friend. I hid my age. replied the widow. You said you are only 30 years old? My friend asked. Wrong. The widow said, I lied to him and said I was 70 years old!

4. I just saw a scratch accident, and the two car owners were calmly discussing the cause and compensation issues, but the two car owners nearby got into a fight while watching the excitement. The reason for their fight turned out to be that they had an argument while discussing who was fully responsible, and then got into a fight. Now the two car owners no longer care about the car and are in the middle of a fight. . .

5. Sometimes I suddenly hear the news that so-and-so is in love with so-and-so, just like hearing the news that Meng Po and the King of Hell are in love. What do you mean? Only the devil knows how they came together. (@夏正正)

6. Classmate A: This poem was written by Xin Qiji. Classmate B: How do I know? It’s Sunday.

7. A girl in the fifth grade of primary school was laughed at by her classmates because of her breast development. She went home and cried to her mother. Her mother comforted her: It doesn't matter, they will laugh at you for at least two years, and you can laugh at them for at least twenty years!

8. The school bell rang, and the students rushed out of school. On the way to the Internet cafe, two students stood out. Because these two students were at the front. Suddenly, one of the students fell and rolled twice on the ground, with blood coming out of his forehead. Another student stopped and turned to help him. Unexpectedly, the student who fell down violently opened his hand and shouted to him: Leave me alone! Go and turn on the computer...

9. It is said that the rice dumplings eaten by astronauts are sweet, and the sweet pie means that : As the first rice dumpling to enter outer space, it determines the standard of rice dumplings in the future universe. The salty pie counterattacks: This is what the sweet rice dumplings mean when they roll out of the earth, you don’t understand. [

10. Mother and daughter watched "Journey to the West" together. Mother asked: Why does Sun Wukong faint every time he blows on the monster? The daughter thought about it and said: Because it hasn't brushed its teeth in five hundred years. Bad breath! Mom said you will get bad breath if you don’t brush your teeth.

Collection of humorous and funny jokes

1. Memorize words. In addition to various techniques, the more important thing is to repeat them more. Look at your child, he usually likes to browse Weibo, right? Then change his Weibo password to long words every two days, such as ichthyology, crytoscopophilia and the like. He would have to enter it once on Weibo on his computer, he would have to enter it again on his mobile phone client, and he would have to enter it again on his iPad. Just watch, within a month, he will definitely quit Weibo!

2. There are gun battles and brotherhood. A comic filled with dangers~

3. I just saw a scratch accident. Two car owners were discussing the cause and compensation issues calmly. The two car owners nearby got into a fight while watching the fun. The reason for their fight turned out to be... An argument broke out while discussing who was fully responsible, and then they got into a fight. Now the two car owners no longer care about the car, and they are in the middle of a fight. . .

4. The girl went abroad and promised her boyfriend to get married when he returned home, and the boy’s phone calls and text messages never stopped. When the girl had a high fever, he was anxious. The girl got her master's degree in more than a year, but she married someone else. The girl said to him: Your love moved me! But when I walked out of the classroom on a snowy day and shivered with cold, it was my husband's car that stopped in front of me in time.

He said helplessly: Just because of this, you want to marry my driver?!

5. A child took a plane for the first time and lay down at the window and looked outside and said excitedly: Mom, Mom, the plane is flying. Really tall, look at the person below who is as young as Guo Jingming. The mother smiled and said: Silly boy, the plane hasn’t taken off yet, that’s Guo Jingming. . . .

6. The Dragon Boat Festival is coming soon. . . I’ll give you a fat rice dumpling in advance!

7. Today at a fast food restaurant, a kid grabbed a bunch of coins and banknotes and excitedly asked for this dish or that dish. Suddenly a woman came in, grabbed him and shouted: We are cooking at home, come back with me! Then the little kid became hysterical: The food you cooked is too bad! I saved up my pocket money for two weeks just to eat. A quick meal, don’t drag me back. Help!! Help! Her mother’s face turned green and she beat her decisively!

8. My family installed a wireless network after the last move. When I came home for the first time, I found the wireless password on the wireless router: 1234567. Then I asked my mother what if the password was so simple that the neighbors could guess it after searching it. My mother said with disdain, guess? Let them guess. , they were so exhausted that they couldn’t guess it, even the colon in front of me

9. At noon, my cousin asked his six-year-old son to take a nap. The child was too playful and didn’t want to sleep. My cousin said: You can pretend to sleep for a while. Let me take a moment. The child thought it was reasonable and said: Then I will pretend to sleep for half an hour and then get up to play. My cousin said: OK. The child lay on the bed and started pretending to sleep. When he looked back two minutes later, he was already asleep.

10. I have a friend who is over 400 years old and is a soldier. He had to memorize the eye chart thoroughly for a physical examination in advance. During the physical examination, the doctor pointed at him and asked, "What line is it?" The doctor replied with two words. !/(ㄒoㄒ)/~~It’s all in vain. . . Funny jokes, the funniest jokes

1. Yesterday I was shopping on Taobao and saw a knife seller with a negative review. I clicked on it and read it. It said: I ordered the knife from the owner and made an appointment to go one-on-one on the third day. The knife arrived on the fourth day! 2. In September, I must save money, go to bed early and get up early, run every day, change my bad temper, and lose weight. If I can't do it, I will do it again in October. 3． There was a teacher's home visit. After arriving at my home, the teacher said to my father: Hello, I am your son's class teacher. My name is Jin Lian. Dad said: Hello! Hello! Teacher Pan, please sit down. Class teacher: Sorry, my surname is Jin 4. A beautiful woman was riding a bus wearing tight denim shorts. The thief behind her slowly approached her. He pulled out the cell phone from his butt pocket, suddenly turned around and yelled: Plug it back in, my thing is so tight, you think you can pull it out? I don’t know! 5. There was a man who went to school. He was a freshman. Because his head looked like a brick, his classmates called him the Brick Man, which annoyed him. One day, he wanted to see if his head looked like a brick. He walked to the well and looked down. Suddenly, a voice came from the bottom of the well: Damn it, throw it down and try it. 6． The daughter-in-law is doing housework at home, and the husband is lying on the sofa with his legs crossed and playing with his mobile phone. The child suddenly said: Dad, you are so awesome, I really admire you! Dad asked: Why? The child said: You are really capable. You have such a good wife. She can cook, do housework, make money, and you are beautiful. That meal was so complimentary. My father was very proud. The child raised his head and said to his mother: Mom, You can't do it, look what you married~7. On the Naihe Bridge, a man said sadly to Po Meng: Po Meng, have another bowl! You have finished twenty bowls, and I have none. The man's eyes were shining with tears: But she is still there! Po Meng: Damn it, Black and White is coming out, someone is coming to cause trouble! 8． Yesterday, the school was checking for puppy love, and it was found on my girlfriend. I thought it was going to be over, but it turned out that her boyfriend was not me. 9. My husband and I are college alumni. The first time we met was when I picked up his meal card. We contacted and made an appointment at the school supermarket and returned the meal card to him. He insisted on buying me a drink and dragged me into the supermarket to buy me a bottle of water before leaving. . Later, I asked him if it was because he fell in love with me at first sight that he invited me to drink water? The husband said without thinking: I was afraid that you would secretly use your meal card, so I took you to the supermarket to buy something and check the balance. 10. My boyfriend and I are both stubborn people, so no one is willing to admit their fault when we quarrel.

Later, I saw a sentence that said couples who quarreled would make up after having sex. This trick was really tried and true, so I would quarrel with him every now and then. After a long time, he actually realized that he had made a mistake. 11． Just now, my roommate was washing fruit for us. He happily brought a bowl of fruit, and a group of people rushed forward and grabbed it all in an instant. I didn't move! It's not like Kong Rong, but he took my footbath. Watch them wolf down their food, hiding their merit and fame! 12． I was watching a movie with my husband over the weekend. Two girls were sitting in the front row, each holding a large bucket of popcorn in their hands. They had been eating it since the movie started. After eating, the two took out a large bag of melon seeds and started eating them. To be honest, it was so annoying that I wanted to curse, but I held back. I said to my husband: Take off your shoes. ! 13． I was walking around the community today and saw a buddy confessing his love to me in the community. He shouted downstairs: XXX, I love you, please be my girlfriend. I saw him shouting downstairs for a long time, but there was no response from upstairs. I guess the woman didn't like him, but I was shocked by the next scene. I saw the guy made a phone call and cursed in the sky. One sentence: Uncle, I went to the wrong neighborhood. 14. A: Do you like the gift I gave you? , B: The thief likes it, A: Then why not wear it? B: Didn’t I say that thieves like it. 15． We were arranged to go on a blind date and meet each other, but we felt that we were not satisfied with each other, so we each found excuses to leave and hurried to the next one. It was amazing that we met the same person again at the same time and place. 16. When I was a kid, I cried so much in the middle of the night that I woke up my parents. My mother asked what was wrong, and I said I wanted to eat biscuits. My mother jumped up and wanted to beat me, but my father stopped me and said forget it, I'll go buy it. In the middle of the night, I went downstairs and visited several shops. I bought some biscuits and handed them to me. I continued to cry and said, I don’t want round ones, I want square ones, and then we had a mixed doubles game! 17． Red envelopes were given out, flowers were given to me, you ate the meal, you drank the wine, the room was opened, and the TT was torn open. Now you tell me that your aunt is here, and you still have ulcers in your mouth and chrysanthemums. I have hemorrhoids, athlete's foot, and onychomycosis on my hands! Hey 18. When a friend from the north went to the southern vegetable market for the first time and saw me buying a carrot, a tomato and a small handful of bean sprouts, a complex expression of shock, disbelief and fear appeared on his face for a moment, and then stayed silent with him. I walked home and said: Just now I thought the boss was going to slap the table and hurt you. 19. When I was half asleep, I heard the sound of marbles coming from the ceiling. It was so annoying. Why wasn't the child upstairs still asleep? I turned over and planned to continue sleeping, but my wife next to me pulled my pajamas and asked: Husband, don’t we live on the top floor? I was so frightened that I jumped up from the bed. Damn it, when did I have a wife? ? 20. There used to be an isolated island, and for some reason all the people disappeared, leaving only two men and an extremely ugly woman. One couldn't help but marry the woman! The other had been waiting for eighteen years, and he smiled because those two had a daughter, and she was quite beautiful!