Seek classic jokes

1. One night, when I was on duty, someone reported to the police that a drunken man was making trouble in front of his shop, so we took him back to the police station and "restrained him until he woke up". When the man arrived at the police station, he was still unconscious and hit his head with his mobile phone. The leader was afraid of an accident, so he put away his mobile phone and put it in the duty room for me to keep.

This is a magical cottage machine. I have a rough look, there are 9 speakers! ! ! This is a terrible thing. Someone has been calling this mobile phone, and the ringtone is "Wolf falls in love with sheep". God, the phone keeps ringing. The ringtone of the mobile phone is at least 100 decibel, so big that even the general sound is covered up. I answered, and the caller is also a drunk and can't communicate. I want to turn off my phone, and I need a password! ! ! I want to wait until his battery is dead. He's been ringing for more than two hours and hasn't used up a grid of electricity! ! !

I thought, well, I pulled the battery out. What a clever mistake! I made the worst decision of my life! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! As soon as the battery is unplugged, this mobile phone actually has an alarm. Yes, it's a siren, louder than the alarm of our police car. Where did you say the battery was missing? It's been ringing for more than ten minutes, so I can't help it. I can only put the battery back, turn it on, and continue to sing Wolf in Love with Sheep.

At 2 o'clock in the morning, the man finally woke up and could communicate normally. I returned his mobile phone to him in tears and told him to leave the police station and let me live.

2. One day in the street. Walk. A girl knelt on the ground and cried. Cry until everyone is watching and ask her what's wrong. . . She said: lost. . . . .

Shopping for a day

Two girls came hand in hand.

I don't care. It's normal.

Just passing by in a hurry.

Suddenly the two girls smiled at each other and gave each other a mouth.

Although I am a beautiful old wolf, I am still shocked.

4. Two-day-style horn button navy coat, long black scarf and thin young man walk side by side. The man 1 sneezed softly and weakly. Male 2 stamped his foot lightly, raised his blue finger and said, "I told you not to listen to me and put on more clothes." Do you have a cold? " The latter two smiled at each other, and Shi Shiran went hand in hand ... I sighed: Shit, TM is more motherly than me.

5. A young man is wearing a white T-shirt. The main point of this T-shirt is that there are three bars (Adidas) on the left and right sleeves, and a big tick (Nike) on the back, which wraps around the front. I feel dizzy and my chest feels stuffy. . . .

6. After waiting for the subway for a day, a man and a woman, the richness of body language is really amazing.

Sometimes two people dance hand in hand,

Sometimes women punch themselves in the face,

Sometimes a man kneels at a woman's feet and asks her to hit him.

Sometimes bears hug,

Sometimes we bow our heads and study women's underwear together,

From time to time, Qiong Yao-style chase scenes were staged and "silvery laughter" was issued.

Sometimes women pout and stare as non-mainstream clothes,

Sometimes men call loudly to make social elite clothes,

Sometimes when a woman is angry, a man will take care of her. . .

I waited for the subway for 8 minutes, in a small place less than 1 square meter. . I really admire that two people put on such a big drama.

7. We are a small place, and there is really nothing shocking. While waiting for the bus, we saw 70+ grandfathers squatting in the green belt DB next to the platform, behind their normal-looking aunts. Both of them are dressed very cleanly, which is normal. In the subway, I saw a fat girl posing as a monkey on her thin, hesitant little boyfriend regardless of the surging crowd, shouting: kiss the cat! (If I understand correctly, it should be these three words), and then biaji gave a kiss. Repeat the language and actions more than once every three seconds, and the voice is as loud as biaji's, and then the boyfriend mumbles like an unbearable mosquito. The fat girl burst into tears and burst into tears, crying and saying loudly: you don't love me anymore, you don't love me anymore.

8. On the way home by bike around 10 in the evening.

Inactive lane

There is a man driving a battery car around.

I think maybe I'm drunk, so I'd better keep my distance.

I was just thinking, suddenly the car in front of me fell down, and so did the people.

I rode past him to see what had happened.

He said to himself, Mara is next door, asleep! ~

Can you tell me something about the school? Classmate said: Before selling Lamian Noodles's window, a man said: A bowl of Lamian Noodles, no beef, no noodles. Everyone petrified on the spot. ......

10. On the bus, I saw that children's shoes were caught in the door once when I got on the bus, and once when I got off the bus. After I got off the bus, I was so angry that I wanted to kick the back of the car and fell to the ground. PS: The handsome guy's T-shirt says: I'm very annoyed recently.

1 1. Shanghai, Dragon Dream Elevator:

Female (short, dressed in white and black), as soon as she entered the battery, she said to the ordinary man around her: Husband, I am so cold. . . .

Man: Then take it off.

Woman: Yeah. Hmm. I wore so little that I was naked when I took it off.

Man: It looks better when it's naked.

W: Then everyone can see it. What should I do? You're not jealous.

At that time, it was just me and my husband in the elevator, as well as two of them and three men. I guess they are all black lines. . . I haven't finished it on the third floor. The elevator door opened and a standard big beauty walked by in an off-the-shoulder dress.

She started again: Is that woman beautiful? Compare with me.

Man: Ugly, you are beautiful.

Result. . . . She suddenly pointed at me. How is she? . . . . .

I'm really sorry. . . . You know, this is my first day from Beijing to Shanghai.

12 I saw something many years ago and now I have to say it.

A man and a woman are fighting, both in their thirties. Women are typical bitches. As she said, the woman couldn't beat the man, so she reached into her pants and took out the WSJ with blood and stuffed it into the man's mouth.

14 A few summers ago, at the Xujiahui overpass in Shanghai (everyone who has seen it knows how high it is), a girl was wearing a short skirt and high heels, holding a lace parasol and curling down from the bridge. Suddenly, her ankle tilted, and the parasol flew up, from the stairs to the steps of the flat ground, plopping plopping in front of me, sprawled. . .

I was dumbfounded, still wondering whether to help her first or call 120 first. I saw the poor girl get up by herself, threw her long hair back carelessly without a snort, picked up her umbrella, spread it out and limped away. ....

It was noon and there were few passers-by. Only the two of us face to face. I froze for half a minute before I came to my senses. I'm impressed. . .

15. Last time I had to take a bus with BF. The row in front of us is the junction of one seat and two positions, that is to say, from the front row, there is a position for two people, but there is a position that protrudes outward (I don't like to do this kind of seat, the front is empty ~ unsafe, and it is easy for the whole person to throw it out when braking suddenly) ~ Most buses in Shanghai have this kind of seat. Sitting in a prominent position in front of us is a GG, which looks ok. When the bus arrived at the station, a fat MM came over. At that time, the bus was relatively empty, and there were quite a lot of vacancies. MM went straight to the handsome guy in front of us. At this time, my BF whispered to me: Look, that woman is going to be abnormal. . Before he could finish, the bus started, and MM stumbled all the way to the handsome guy ~ ~ As a result, it was conceivable that the fat MM fell in the handsome guy's arms ~ ~ I could only bite my lip with BF ~ ~ before laughing ~ ~

16. My roommate lost a lot of blood on a special day. She didn't know, so she gave it away after class. In the second class, a boy sat in that seat. After class, there was blood on the back of his pants. We witnessed him leave in silence. ....

17, at about 5 pm the year before last, at the busiest intersection of the busiest commercial pedestrian street in our city, a garbage collector put all the plastic bottles in a trash can in the middle of the road into her bag, then pulled out the trash can and began to poop in the bucket. There are countless passers-by around ... all black lines ...

18 I walked with my husband last night and saw someone selling cauliflower on the iron bridge. One by one, the head is neat, white and round, and the leaves below are green, which is very beautiful. I said this cauliflower is good, and it's still being sold at this late hour. On closer inspection, it turned out to be selling seven children. . .

19. I was in the elevator two days ago.

Many people came in.

A: Many people. Will they be overweight? Let me carry you.

B: wouldn't that be heavier?