Collection of sketches

Cui Yongyuan: Dear viewers, hello everyone, you are now watching the outdated column "Nonsense" of CCTV. I am the host of the program Xiao Cui. Today, I am honored to invite you to the long-famous Two old people - Uncle Lantian and Aunt Baiyun. Now I would like to invite two elderly people. Everyone is welcome.

(The matador song played)

Zhao Benshan came on stage in Song Dandan Tango. He shook his head and stretched out his hand. Zhao Benshan lowered his waist and twisted it to his waist.

Zhao Benshan: Oops, stop, this waist can’t work anymore.

Cui Yongyuan: Slow down, uncle, just sit here, are you okay?

Zhao Benshan: I can’t do it anymore. I’m getting old. I can dance up to my waist during the entire bullfight. If I come to Swan Lake, my legs will probably be broken.

Song Dandan: I see you eating pork kidneys every day to make up for it, but the waist is not repaired properly, and the face is turned into a pig kidney face.

Cui Yongyuan: Welcome uncle and aunt to the studio again.

(The two stood up and waved hello)

Cui Yongyuan: It can be said that this is the third time that these two have faced our cameras and audience. Over the past few years, everyone has gained a detailed understanding of the two of them. Could you two say hello and say a few words to everyone?

Zhao Benshan: The spring breeze of reform is blowing everywhere, Chinese football is not living up to expectations, house prices have doubled, and corrupt officials should be killed if caught. Thank you

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle still does the same thing. Auntie is also prepared.

Song Dandan: It’s my turn! The spring breeze of reform blows through the door, fortune-telling and fortune-telling are performed, and people are told not to get sick. The hospital recognizes money but not people. Thank you

Cui Yongyuan: Let’s not talk about unpleasant things during this Chinese New Year. Uncle, please talk about happy things.

Zhao Benshan: OK, leaders and comrades, hello everyone, 0606 is incredible. Liu Xiang broke the record and defeated the foreigners. Yao Ming is the only one in the basketball world. Learn to use your brain when playing. Shenzhou No. 6 went to heaven, all because of his exquisite skills. . People work hard to get rich and don't have to worry about food and clothing. The country's prosperity and strength depend entirely on the party's leadership. Looking at the general trend of the world, China has the best development. Thank you

(Sitting on the ground)

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle! It fell! Ouch, get up quickly.

Zhao Benshan: Take two steps forward and forget again.

Song Dandan: Can you come up with something new to do? I’ve been here three times and fallen twice.

Zhao Benshan: Is it embarrassing?

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle is still so humorous. Uncle and aunt look in good health!

Zhao Benshan: No, no, this person is going to be famous, he has too many social activities, his body can no longer hold up, and he is a little weak.

Cui Yongyuan: It’s an ant-eating power god, who knows who uses it.

Zhao Benshan: Come on, if the medicine is effective, who will spend money on advertising?

Cui Yongyuan: Yes, in today's society, first of all, you can't believe the advertisements, and secondly, you can't believe the weather. Forecast, thirdly, you cannot trust entertainment reports.

Zhao Benshan: Not to mention Xiao Cui, you don’t know, your aunt spends all day staring at the TV and entertainment reports in newspapers. Looks cute.

Song Dandan: Ever since Zhao Zhongxiang had a style problem, I have been looking for someone to fill the vacant idol position in my heart.

Zhao Benshan: Xiao Cui, my dream lover Ni Ping has no style problems recently, right?

Cui Yongyuan: How do I know this?

Zhao Benshan: Do you think there are still good people in the entertainment industry? Yesterday so-and-so beat and scolded a reporter for being a celebrity, today so-and-so had plastic surgery and got pregnant, and tomorrow so-and-so slept with the director and made a video. You say, Xiao Cui, why are there so few female directors in China?

Cui Yongyuan: What happened to the female director?

Zhao Benshan: Even if your uncle wants to sleep with a female director and become famous, he can’t find one.

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle, please save it, I’m still looking for it.

Song Dandan: Ever since Zhao Zhongxiang was greatly discounted in my mind, I have fallen in love with Huang Jianxiang, who explains football.

Cui Yongyuan: They are all from the Xiang generation. Didn’t you see it, but Auntie is quite fond of chasing stars?

Zhao Benshan: Does your aunt still want to pursue Liu Xiang? She probably won't be able to catch him either.

Song Dandan: But ever since Huang Jianxiang fell in love with that super girl Zhang Liangying, he divorced his wife and gave up their children.

Cui Yongyuan: Yes, later there was a commentary scandal at the World Cup.

Song Dandan: After I came back, I stopped commentating on football and went to Deyun Club to talk about cross talk.

Cui Yongyuan: It was reported that he resigned from CCTV.

Zhao Benshan: I said I devoted myself to writing this book. The title of the book has been decided, and it's called "Why I Said That at the World Cup."

Cui Yongyuan: That’s it, penalty kick, penalty kick, Grosso made a contribution, long live the great Italy, long live the great Italian left back, at this time, the soul of the left back is possessed, Maldini. . .

Song Dandan: Yes, yes, just that part. Your uncle and I watched it in the middle of the night. His howling part scared my grandson awake.

Zhao Benshan: A lot of car alarms were broken that night.

Cui Yongyuan: Then why did he say that?

Song Dandan: Some people say that he cheated and bought lottery tickets. Italy won, so he went crazy.

Cui Yongyuan: That’s what I said.

Song Dandan: Actually, none of them are right. I know the details. The real reason is that during the game, Zhang Liangying sent a text message to Huang Jianxiang. The text message said, "Brother Xiang, if Italy wins, I will marry you".

Cui Yongyuan: Ah, is it true or false?

Song Dandan: Of course it’s true, tell the truth.

Cui Yongyuan: But I just heard from my aunt that the two elders also like to watch the World Cup.

Zhao Benshan: Yes, I liked watching it when I was young, but your aunt didn’t like watching it before.

Cui Yongyuan: Auntie, you were influenced by your uncle and you liked watching it later? (Cui Yongyuan turns to Song Dandan)

Song Dandan: What do you like to watch? I have never liked it.

Cui Yongyuan: Then why did you watch the game with your uncle?

Song Dandan: That’s what happened. Isn’t this year’s World Cup held in Germany? There is a time difference between them and us here, so they are actually kicking us at night during the day. Your uncle sleeps during the day and watches football at night. What a toss-up.

Zhao Benshan: Your aunt didn’t let me watch anything she said at first, and she insisted on letting me watch daytime reruns. You said, Xiao Cui, can this live broadcast be the same as the replay? Live broadcasting is like marrying your first wife, and replaying it is like having a mistress. You said that at my age, starving to death is a small matter, but losing integrity is a big deal. Even if I have a mistress, I can't watch the rebroadcasting? Are you right?

Cui Yongyuan: Well, ah?

Zhao Benshan: It’s chaotic. To say it’s chaotic means that you can’t watch the replay.

Song Dandan: Your uncle stayed up late to watch football. The rooster he raised at home crows as soon as he wakes up in the morning. He can crow for half the morning.

Zhao Benshan: It made me so upset that I woke up and slaughtered all the roosters at home.

Song Dandan: Later I stopped talking about not letting him watch the game.

Zhao Benshan: Well, as soon as your aunt nags me, I will sharpen the knife.

Cui Yongyuan: Ah, are you trying to scare auntie?

Zhao Benshan: What are you trying to scare? This is the thirty-sixth strategy, kill the chicken to scare your wife.

Cui Yongyuan: Okay, so what does uncle think of Chinese football?

Zhao Benshan: Speaking of Chinese football, let me tell you a joke.

Cui Yongyuan: What’s the joke?

Song Dandan: I have heard this joke. Let's say a Japanese football player went to God and asked God, when will our country win the world football championship? God answered, 80 years. The Japanese players cried when they heard it and said that I might not be able to see that day. Then a Korean football player also went to God and asked God, when will our country win the world football championship? God answered, 100 years. The Korean players also cried when they heard it, saying that I would never see that day either. The last Chinese player went to God and asked God, when will China win the world football championship?

Cui Yongyuan: What does God say?

Zhao Benshan: When God heard this, I cried first. While crying, I wiped my tears and said, I can’t wait for that day.

Cui Yongyuan: Ha, there is absolutely no hope.

Zhao Benshan: So I don’t watch Chinese football at all.

Cui Yongyuan: I’ve been talking for a long time. Let’s get down to the topic. What are uncles and aunts busy with recently? Auntie, tell me.

Song Dandan: The ribbon was cut for a garden in our township the day before yesterday, and the completion ceremony of an underground tunnel in our village was unveiled yesterday. Tomorrow we are going to visit and perform at the grassroots level, and a reporter has made an appointment for an exclusive interview next week. , I have to go to Tieling TV Station to record at the end of the year.

Cui Yongyuan: Are you still going to the TV station to record?

Song Dandan: I don’t really want to go there yet. We have to consider CCTV. The impact of local TV stations is too small and has no effect.

Cui Yongyuan: Why are you going to perform on the TV station?

Song Dandan: Super Imitation Show.

Cui Yongyuan: Who are you imitating?

Song Dandan: Xiao Cui, you should have this vision.

Song Dandan: Xiao Cui, you should have this vision. You should be able to tell when I make a move.

(Put your chest out, show off your S shape)

Cui Yongyuan: Ah, I can see it. Is she the Internet celebrity Sister Furong?

Zhao Benshan: Yes, she gave herself a stage name, Grandma Furong.

Cui Yongyuan: Grandma Furong, this is a good name. My aunt imitated it very well.

Zhao Benshan: Quite similar? Give me two screws and I'm going to PK Song Zude? Who can't talk nonsense.

Song Dandan: Next, I plan to play a role on the set of Dream of Red Mansions.

Cui Yongyuan: What role do you play?

Zhao Benshan: I can play Jia Mu, what else can I play?

Song Dandan: Who said I would play Jia Mu?

Zhao Benshan: By the way, you are not suitable to play Jia Mu, given your figure and temperament. It’s suitable to play Grandma Liu.

Song Dandan: What do you know about playing Grandma Liu? If I want to play, I will play Lin Daiyu.

Zhao Benshan: Play Lin Daiyu? No matter how old you are, Lin Daiyu was younger than you when she died.

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle, you can’t say that. In fact, aunt is also very beautiful now.

Song Dandan: What’s wrong with getting older? Let me ask you, what happened when you got older? Regardless of how old Liu Xiaoqing is, she can pretend to be a disgusting little girl, so why can’t I act like that?

Cui Yongyuan: Let’s not talk about this anymore. Auntie, you should pay attention to your health. Your body is the capital of revolution.

Zhao Benshan: Xiao Cui is right, a man’s body is the capital of revolution, and a woman’s body is the capital of fame.

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle, you can really sum it up. What have you been busy with recently?

Zhao Benshan: I am studying several topics recently.

Cui Yongyuan: What are the topics?

Zhao Benshan: Is the rampant prostitution of prostitutes a step forward or a step back? How to dig coal without burying people? Cross-strait reunification and the ownership of the Diaoyu Islands. North Korea nuclear test. Beijing 2008 Olympics, Saddam's execution. . .

Cui Yongyuan: If you wait a while, this subject is too big, right? Is there anything substantial.

Zhao Benshan: Yes, first consider the issue of national football coach selection.

Song Dandan: Xiao Cui, don’t listen to him.

Cui Yongyuan: This question. . .

Zhao Benshan: Who is bragging?

Song Dandan: I don’t understand anything, so I’m still here pretending to understand. Xiao Cui, let me tell you something. Last time your uncle and I went to the photo studio to take pictures.

Zhao Benshan: Don’t mention that part. (He buried his head in his legs)

Song Dandan: The photographer asked, uncle, do you want side light, backlight, or full light? ", your uncle was embarrassed, and the shy Kazuto photographer said: "I don't care, can you leave a pair of underwear for your aunt? "

Cui Yongyuan: Such a full light?

Zhao Benshan: You are not much better. Your aunt went to the hospital for a physical checkup last time. She looked everywhere for the laboratory department, upstairs. As she was walking around, a nurse pointed to a sign in front of her and said: "Non-undergraduate students are not allowed in! "Your aunt became anxious when she heard this: "I'll just do a urine test. What else do you need a bachelor's degree?

Song Dandan: Don’t listen to his nonsense, Xiao Cui. He is jealous.

Cui Yongyuan: I think, uncle, although aunt has a lot of social activities, uncle, you should support her.

Zhao Benshan: What kind of entertainment? Does your aunt think she is a star? Who is looking for her?

Cui Yongyuan: Auntie said that she cut the ribbon for a garden in the village the day before yesterday?

Zhao Benshan: What kind of garden ribbon-cutting? It’s just an apple orchard. What kind of ribbon-cutting? Cut apple branches.

Cui Yongyuan: Yesterday, the aunt also unveiled the completion ceremony of an underground tunnel in the village?

Zhao Benshan: I just dug a vegetable cellar.

Cui Yongyuan: Then we are going to visit and perform at the grassroots level tomorrow.

Zhao Benshan: When a pharmacy opened, she was asked to perform the Yangko dance.

Cui Yongyuan: There will be reporters doing an exclusive interview with Auntie next week.

Zhao Benshan: Well, the exclusive interview is true.

Cui Yongyuan: Right.

Zhao Benshan: The book "Confinement" was not selling well, not many people bought it, so reporters came to interview her about her feelings.

Song Dandan: No more filming. What do you think these people should do? (Getting up to leave)

Zhao Benshan: This is not telling the truth.

Song Dandan: Is it embarrassing for you to tell the truth?

Cui Yongyuan: The two elders should say less.

Zhao Benshan: Wrong, okay? Here's the video.

Song Dandan: Xiao Cui, this Gulu pinched you, don’t broadcast it.

Cui Yongyuan: I remember that Gulu pinched me, so don’t broadcast it.

Zhao Benshan: Didn’t you mention it?

Song Dandan: Why are you uneducated? (Come back and sit down)

Cui Yongyuan: It’s up to me. Mom, please calm down. The two elders have been together through ups and downs for so many years, and I don’t think it’s worth it for such a trivial matter. In fact, I can hear that the aunt wants to be a celebrity, and the uncle wants to be an ordinary person, but no matter whether you are a celebrity or an ordinary person, you should have a harmonious and happy family, so let all of us here wish you the best. Uncle and aunt are always happy and live a happy life.

Zhao Benshan and Song Dandan: Thank you.

(Get up, sit down)

Cui Yongyuan: At the end of our program, as usual, we still ask each guest to summarize their inner feelings in one sentence. Auntie comes first?

Song Dandan: Just one sentence left?

Cui Yongyuan: One sentence.

Song Dandan: From the bottom of your heart?

Cui Yongyuan: Yes, from the bottom of my heart.

Song Dandan: I will definitely catch up with Liu Xiang.

Zhao Benshan: Pull him down, whatever you are doing is fine.

Song Dandan: Let me speak from the bottom of my heart.

Cui Yongyuan: If Auntie can catch up with Liu Xiang, she can also break the world record.

Zhao Benshan: Nothing serious! If I ask you to say one sentence, why do you do this? Isn't it a shame and don't say something crucial?

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle, please say a word.

Zhao Benshan: Do I have one sentence left?

Cui Yongyuan: Ah, in one sentence, yes.

Zhao Benshan: If the female director likes me, please contact me.

Song Dandan: Pull him down.

Cui Yongyuan: Thank you to the audience friends at the scene and in front of the TV for letting us end today’s nonsense with singing.

Cui Yongyuan, Zhao Benshan and Song Dandan: In a few decades, we will meet and be sent to the crematorium. All of them will be burned to ashes. You will be in a pile, I will be in a pile, and no one will know each other. All of them will be sent to the countryside. Make fertilizer. Ah, dear friends, who will be burned to ashes first? Burn you first or me first? After burning Ah Bian, burn Li Tenghui.