Laugh off your big teeth.

1. In a math class, a very complicated math problem appeared on the test paper. The math teacher wrote the problem-solving process all over the blackboard. At the moment when the solution was finished, the math teacher turned around with relief, tore the test paper beautifully, and cursed at the same time: "I'll go, this questioner has a stomachache, such a sick question." Suddenly the domineering side is exposed. ...

2. I went to the movies on Valentine's Day, which was not bad. Suddenly, the screen turned black. A host came up with a microphone and said, "Which eldest brother here brought someone else's daughter-in-law? Run, my husband is coming to catch it. " Then I looked back ... how many people were there? ...

3. My three idols when I was a child: Lei Feng, Zhang Haidi and Zhang Ga. Short for "Lady Gaga".

I fell asleep in the morning, and my daughter-in-law shook me up and said, get up, my dad is coming. I woke up, skillfully hugged my clothes, rolled under the bed and put my shoes in. Daughter-in-law knelt down and said helplessly, come out quickly Damn it, we have been married for six months.

5. When falling in love and looking for an object, it is called stock picking; Marriage is called a transaction; Giving birth to a child is called distribution; After several years of marriage, the feelings of both husband and wife are bound to fall into a frame arrangement; Husband and wife live in discord, which is empty talk; If you have a bad feeling and can't live without it, it's called locking up; It is difficult to leave, which is called solving; After the divorce, the brain drain of both sides is called hollowing out; Marry those male chauvinists, the man is the main force and the woman is the retail investor.

6. Party A said to Party B: I don't believe that Mulan disguised herself as a man and joined the army for her father. This is sheer nonsense. In the army, I ate and lived with so many soldiers, but none of them found out that she was a woman. Do you think it's possible? You are so stupid. If Mulan slept with you, would you say so?

7. On the train, a passenger said to the flight attendant, "Give me a bottle of coke. How much is it? " Flight attendant: "8 yuan." Passenger: "How big is the bottle?" Stewardess: "It's the kind that sells 3 yuan outside!" "

8. I bought a small gourd on the roadside in elementary school and secretly played under it in class. Unfortunately, the teacher found out and asked me what I was doing. I don't know where I got the courage. I raised the gourd and said to him, "I call you, do you dare to promise?"

9. Last night, my girlfriend woke up from her sleep and yelled at me: "Bitch! ! "Then he slapped me twice and shouted," I want to break up with you! " "I looked at her inexplicably and asked what was going on. She yelled again: "Nothing! "Then I fell asleep ... when I woke up this morning, she apologized to me and said that I dreamed last night that I added a lot of chopped green onion to her rice noodle, and I couldn't finish picking it, so I woke up and hit me. ...

10, when my wife came out of the bathroom, a hungry tiger pounced on her husband and said with a ferocious face, "My little brother looks good, little girl, I want to try something fresh today!" The husband fought to the death. The wife turned her head and said softly, "Grandpa, did you follow the little girl?" Husband said: "Give a reason first!" Wife: "My little girl just got out of prison and hasn't eaten meat for several years …" "

1 1, the rule of dormitory roommate survival (necessary for students majoring in chemistry and medicine): never study too well! Never be the first in the exam! Don't be too good! Never be too beautiful or too handsome! Never be too ostentatious! Don't always take part in various club activities! Don't be versatile Playing musical instruments and exercising are all good! Don't get too close to the person your roommate secretly loves or clearly loves! Most importantly, don't forget to take silver chopsticks with you! ! Life matters! ! !

12. My wife's colleague's computer is broken. My surname is Sun. Let me help repair it. His wife always calls him Monkey Sun. My wife told me not to call him Monkey Sun when I go out, otherwise it would be embarrassing. I promised well and thought about it for a long time on the way. Very funny, Monkey Sun. I told myself not to shout it out. When I got to his house, I was nervous, monkey! I have the urge to strangle myself.

13, I have a crush on a handsome boy who is practicing Sanda in my class, and I don't know how to hint. One day, I got up the courage to say, "On the evening of xx, xx, under the third tree in the playground, be there or be square." His notes are sandwiched in the textbook. Shy, I didn't sign it. That day, I waited gracefully under the tree. The handsome boy came, followed by a group of figures. The moonlight was bright, and the handsome boy saw the figure under the tree and shouted, "Who dares to write a challenge book?" ! "

14, one day, a pair of boyfriend and girlfriend quarreled fiercely, and finally the woman said, get out of here. I'm fed up with you ... the boy was wronged and said, well, I'll go out ... just a few steps later, the girl cried even more. You come back here, come into my bowl, and roll around here. Who let you go ... finally, the boy said, I knew you liked this dish!

15, the patient asked, "Doctor, what are the chances of successful operation?" The doctor replied, "I have done this operation 97 times." The patient said, "Then I'm relieved." The doctor said, "hmm! I also hope to succeed once! "

16, I went to ask for a Buddha's bead in the afternoon, and the young monk told me that the abbot had purchased the goods.

17, the success of a person's life depends entirely on the memorial service.

18, people are not afraid of death, and the biggest fear is that they don't know how to live.

19. It is said that eating longevity noodles on birthdays can prolong life. There were only noodles at home that day ... Do you want to eat?

20. User question: My Samo is in love with the neighbor's golden hair. They always stick together and often ignore me recently. But I don't quite agree with this marriage. The neighbor's house is rented and he doesn't have a car yet. Long pain is better than short pain. I want to nip their love in the bud. Who can tell me what to do? The best answer: "Sleep with that golden retriever and show it to your Satsuma."

2 1, Mom: "Aren't you shy to fight with your best friend?" Son: "He threw stones at me first." Mom was very angry: "When he threw stones at you, you should come back and tell me at once." Son: "What's the use of that? I throw more accurately than you. "

22. Mr. Zhou took the business card handed over by Mr. Chen, looked at it and said, "Mr. Dong, I've heard a lot about you." Mr. Chen took Mr. Zhou's business card and said, "Are you Mr. Ji?" Mr. Zhou is unhappy: "My name is Zhou. Why did you skin me? What have I done to offend you? " Mr. Chen said, "My family name is Chen. If you cut off my ear, you won't be interested in me skinning you. "

23. When moving a friend, we shouted "one, two, three" at the same time and lifted the furniture and put it in the car. There is a little girl watching us lift the furniture. She seems to be in a hurry, still talking about something. After loading a few large pieces, I watched the little girl trot over and said, "Uncle, three is followed by four. I have told you several times, won't you? "

24. Is Hong Haier the son of a cow? Will Princess Iron Fan have any ulterior relationship with the old gentleman? The banana fan was picked by Taishang Laojun, but it was in the hands of Princess Iron Fan. Niu Wangmo doesn't know samadhi, but Hon Hai 'er was born ... It's fucking intriguing! Wu Cheng'en played a big game of chess? !

On the 25th, the county magistrate inspected and had dinner with the villagers. The villagers said, "You're welcome. The leader will use it first, I'm not busy. At this time of day, I have to feed the dog before I can eat. I am used to it. " The magistrate was short of breath: "Can you talk?" The herdsmen are very sad: "I am used to talking to animals and don't know how to talk to people."

26, Wukong, you Po Hou, fortunately, no parents! Otherwise, see how the teacher scolds you! How many fucking times have I told you, but after the banshee catches me, wait for my signal to save me! Don't giggle! Look at being a teacher. Every time you suddenly break in, you get soft. If you do this a few times, you will become a teacher ... I'm afraid I can't help them anymore. What a pity! Wukong loves his disciples. Look at the teacher's tears and swear it won't happen again, okay?

A classic funny quotation, laughing until the dentures fall out.

1, we are all stupid, but I am playing dumb. You are really stupid.

2. The best day is nothing more than that you are joking and I am laughing.

3, nothing to bask in the sun, maybe no one will call you an idiot if you get tanned.

I want to be your heart in the next life. At least if I don't jump, you will die.

5. Life is like a piece of shit for a long time, but it turns out to be a fart.

6. I won't despise e-sports online games because I can't fully develop.

7. It's a waste of your sneaky eyes not to be a bad guy.

8, don't be proud, only young people know how to play dirty, don't admit that you are that identity so quickly!

9. Don't wait until everyone says you're ugly before you realize that you're really ugly.

10, it is forbidden to urinate here, and the tools will be confiscated.

1 1. What is love in the world? -Buddha said: waste.

12, if one day I become a hooligan, please tell them that I am innocent.

13, as long as you live better than me, I can't stand it.

14, whenever I miss a girl, I put a brick on the ground, and there is the Great Wall! ! ! !

15, Meng Po, give me a bowl of soup. You fucking give me a bowl of Coca Cola. ...

16, this woman charms thousands of troops from behind. Once she turns her face, she will definitely scare off millions of heroes …

17, don't listen to good words, die in front of me.

18, the little sunflower's mother started class, and the child's cough is always very bad, mostly useless!

19, listening to nothing outside the window, just reading e-books.

20. Are you pure? Then there is no sewer in the world, and it becomes Telunsu.

2 1, I hope all the money in my pocket loves each other and has many children.

22. Some people test their strength, others test their eyesight, and we have to rely on our imagination.

23, cough ~ say what you should say, whisper what you shouldn't say.

24. I didn't have puppy love, because I told myself that puppy love is to raise a wife for others.

25. If someone will never lose his temper again, congratulations, you finally lost her.

26. The difference between an angel and a demon: when an old woman falls, an angel will help them; And the devil is often the reason for their fall.

27. The only thing I can lift in my life is chopsticks.

28. This morning in spring, I woke up carefree, yawned at home, couldn't sleep at night, and couldn't wake up during the day.

29. Grandma said, "The power is out. Light candles and watch TV. "

30. Women don't spend money on their period, while men don't care.

Laugh off your big teeth.

Guide: A buddy, usually the wife is in charge of money at home, and married men know it. Once, his wife was on a business trip, and as a result, he didn't even have the money to eat, so he came to my house for dinner. "You don't even have money to eat. Why don't you ask your sister-in-law? " "I answered, she punched in, and I didn't answer." "Why don't you get it?" "She said the password was the date of our first movie, and I ..." "Stop it, I understand! Come, eat food ... "

Customer: Boss, why is your dog so expensive? Boss: Why is it so expensive? You watch! The boss said to the dog: three points of water plus three horizontal and one vertical, not prominent, what to read? Forget it, say it! Dog king guest: ...

2. Dapang suffers from uremia and has never found a suitable kidney source. One day, the doctor walked into the ward and said to Fat,' Fat, there is hope for your illness. Hang in there,' the big fat chicken asked coldly.' Doctor, have you found a suitable kidney source?' Doctor: "Not yet, but iphone6 is already on the market".

3. I am a woman. One day I went to an Internet cafe and something popped up in the corner of the computer. Is a webmaster. The stationmaster said, beauty, I'll give you one more hour, so I said, no stationmaster. We're all adults. I think I'll catch up with me for two dollars. ) Another message pops up ~ I didn't mean that, please put on your shoes!

4. Teacher: "Ask your parents to pick me up tomorrow" Xiaoming: "My parents are not at home" Teacher: "Who else is there in your family?" Xiao Ming: "Well ... what about my little brother?" Teacher: "Yes!" The next day, I carried my eight-month-old little brother on my back and embarked on a road of no return. ...

5. A person went up the mountain to solve the problem for the master: "Master, why didn't my technical awareness improve after playing League of Legends for three years?" The master pointed to a small dripping hole in the rock. He said excitedly, "Master, do you mean that as long as I persevere, I will make great progress in technology one day?" Master: "You are a fucking pit."

6. I heard that Crazy 6 came out and my wife wanted to buy 6 again. I try not to make her angry these days. One day, sitting on the sofa watching TV. Carelessly fart, my wife immediately dropped the crazy 5s and said angrily, I've had enough of your fart. ...

7. At the school sports meeting, he was 800 meters, and a sister shouted: Come on, I'll be your girlfriend first. All opponents stopped and waited for him to pass. What a touching story. The end result: he also began to shrink back. ...

8, it's cold, wrapped in a quilt and don't want to move. "Husband, close the door", "Husband, turn off the light", "Husband, turn off the TV" and "Husband, turn off ..." Husband roared, "I'm a fucking switch! ! ""well, don't be angry, husband. Who said you were a switch? You are a plug once in a while! "

9. My mother: "Son, haven't you met anyone yet?" Me: "Yes" Mom: "That warm man is very popular now. Many girls like that type, and you are also developing in that direction. " Me: "How can I develop like this?" "Come on, put on this autumn coat and trousers first."

10, I'm a chef. Recently, I am learning the cooking methods of Hunan cuisine from a famous chef in Hunan. Today, I want to test the results. I saw the famous chef taste my cooking and boasted loudly, "I am impressed!" " Really convinced! "When I heard that, I was flattered and asked," Is it really ... really so delicious? ""delicious, the food is burnt! "

1 1. The air conditioner broke down at night, so I asked the master to come and fix it to remind him that safety comes first. The master said: You are very sensible. I won't call you if there is nothing wrong with you. There is insurance. After that, I slipped down from the windowsill and sat on the cactus I had raised for five years. At that second, all the voice-activated lights on the first to seventh floors were on!

12, my parents didn't have time to take care of me when I was a child. My grandparents always send me to kindergarten every day. As a result, one day no one came to pick me up after school. I held the iron gate of the kindergarten until it was dark. Suddenly I saw my parents walking this way. My mother pointed at me and said to my father, "Look at this child, just like our son!

13. When I went to the bank to withdraw money, the lobby security guard asked me: What business do you want? I said: withdraw money. He added: Has it exceeded100000? I said, no, and the man said, there are more people doing business now. Go to the ATM to get it. When he finished, I was embarrassed to say that I couldn't get it from the ATM. One hundred dollars is not enough. Then those who feel despised line up with numbers.

14, I told my mother: "I want to fast and lose weight." Mother said nervously, "No, hunger strike is harmful to health." My heart suddenly warmed up: "I will pay attention." Mom still shook her head: "No, you are fatter now. People just think you've eaten too much. If you are still fat after a hunger strike, isn't it because your parents inherited it? " No, eat more. "

15, I: Honey, it's time to give pocket money. Give more this month. Girlfriend: Look at your performance tonight. Oh, 5 yuan, one minute. Me: Forget it. Two dollars can't buy anything.

16, go to the daughter-in-law's house and have dinner with the whole family. My daughter-in-law and I talked about something else in the bedroom. After that, we joked about having sex. My daughter-in-law said that I made your legs weak when you got home. Did I tell you? Then my sister-in-law came in and said, "What's wrong with my sister? He turned to his daughter-in-law and said, it's okay. I'm on your side and I'll help you!

17. Mom is always reluctant to spend money. A broken mobile phone, used for many years. I brought her an apple at home and told her 500 yuan. Call me two days later and tell me that her mobile phone has been sold 1 thousand, and many people still want it. Please send more home as soon as possible. Mom, my heart hurts a little. Hang up now!

18, my girlfriend asked me, "Do you know what I want to eat now?" I don't know. She slapped me and said, "I don't know why you don't ask?"

19, a man came to the temple to ask the master for help. Man: Master, I am ugly, and the world can't escape me. What should I do? The master smiled without a word and slowly closed his eyes. M: Does the master mean to let me turn a blind eye to external interference and be brave to be myself? Master: Get out of here before I open my eyes. You surprised me!

20. I express my little brother and just sent him to a community. It is a big bag. Call to see if the other person is at home. The man answered the phone: I am in Shanghai and my wife is at home. I knocked on the upstairs door, which was opened by a man in pajamas. He asked if he was the recipient and said yes. Do you want to make another call?

2 1, chatting with my wife in bed at night. My wife said she wanted a gold bracelet. After listening, I put my hands on my knees and kept silent. Later, my wife asked me why I didn't dare to promise. I said the man had gold under his knee, and I was just about to rub one for you!

22. My wife bagged kitchen garbage and toilet paper in the morning and took it out when I went out. When I passed by my neighbor's door, I happened to meet a neighbor smoking. He gave me one politely. Suddenly, his wife stepped forward quickly. "Look at you, everyone is a neighbor, just visiting. Why are you so polite?" With that, he took my bag and went into the house.

23. Ma Yun once polished a lamp when he was young. At this moment, the genie of the lamp appeared and said, You can have a wish. Ma Yun said, I want 65.438+050 billion. The genie said, this is too unrealistic. Tell me another one! Ma Yun: That makes me handsome. The genie looked at Ma Yun for a while and said, well, you can start with online marketing, and then, so ...

24. A young man tattooed a hate word on his stomach because he was lovelorn. Many years later, his son saw this tattoo and asked him, "Dad, Dad, who is this xiaoliang?"

25. Xiao Jing, if you can finish this scientific research project and win glory for the school, I will apply to the headmaster to hang your name on the wall of the school library! "Half a year later, a striking word" Jing "was hung on the wall of the library.

26. My cousin ate at my house that day. My mother put a fish head in her mouth and asked her if she would eat it. She said, "I will never eat fish heads again!" " Mother asked why, and she gave this answer: "Last time I ate at my uncle's house, I ate a fish head and looked up and found that they had already eaten a table!" "

27. The school held a meeting and asked, "What should I do if I find students in love?" A teacher suggested inviting parents at once. Principal: "No, the couple who invited their parents last year got engaged. The students are looking forward to inviting their parents. Let them talk, let it be! " "

28. On the bus, the old man: Give up your seat! Boy: There are so many empty seats, won't you sit down? Old man: Feng Shui is good in this position! Boy: OK! I let! Please bury it here!

29. One of my friends is hard to choose. Now I want to take the traffic police exam. I asked him that there were so many cars on the road, with different sizes and colors. How do you check the car? As a result, I said I wouldn't take the exam the next day and came back to beat me up. Said he had been thinking at home all night and hadn't decided yet.

30. My wife went to drink mutton soup, and the young lady didn't give me a spoon for mutton soup, so I shouted, "Miss, I want a spoon." The young lady glanced at me and went on doing something shyly. I shouted again: "Miss, I want a ladle!" " "The young lady blushed and didn't know what to do. The daughter-in-law slapped her and said angrily," Piao, Piao, Piao your sister? "Call a spoon."

Editor's note: I went out to walk the dog in the morning and came back to find that I didn't take the dog. Daughter-in-law said, "I told you not to go out in foggy days." Look, you brought someone else's dog back! " As soon as I heard this, I took my wife's hand and said happily, "Come on, wife, let's go out for a walk."

Classic funny quotations, dare to see you dizzy.

Wifi password

When I was eating in the restaurant, I asked my boss for the wifi password. The boss said, "LYp82NLF."

I said, "It's hard to remember."

The boss smiled and said, "A bottle of' 82 Lafite is easy to remember! "

I read "A bottle of' 82 Lafite. "As soon as I entered the password, the waiter asked," Can I open it? "

I said, "I can open it." Only heard a bang, the waiter smiled and said, "Your 82-year-old Lafite, 32,000 yuan, has been opened for you, thank you!"

This story tells us: eat well when you eat, and don't keep nagging that broken mobile phone!

This joke is too weak.

A farmer likes telling jokes. One day, a group of people were chatting and he told jokes. When he finished, everyone said, "This joke is too weak." (meaning boring)

He went on to say, "I saw a dung picker at the gate of the city this morning, and accidentally slipped, and a load of dung spilled all over the floor." Everyone said, "This is weak, too."

The man smiled and asked, "When have you ever tasted it behind my back, and everyone knows it's weak?"

I'll go! You can be cheated by listening to a joke! The city routine is deep, I want to go back to the countryside!

You will die if you don't innovate.

The boss of a company got drunk at night, met the traffic police to check the car, abandoned the car and ran away, but the traffic police didn't catch up.

The boss called his wife while running and told her to call the police immediately and say that the car at home had been stolen.

The next day, the boss took the banner to the traffic police team to get the car, held the hand of the traffic police comrade and said, Detective, solve the case quickly!

Traffic police: This is what we should do. The child who stole your car last night ran too fast. We thought it was drunk driving, but we didn't expect it to be stolen.

On the third day, the boss was drunk again and found that the car was being checked not far ahead. Thinking that he could not do the same thing again, he got off the bus, locked the door and sat on the side of the road to smoke.

The police arrived: Have you been drinking?

Boss: Yes!

Policeman: Drunk driving?

Boss: I didn't drive it. The driver did it.

The policeman went for a ride, but he couldn't see the driver: where is he?

The boss shook his head: this bastard ran away.

Seeing the policeman's surprise, the boss went on to say: When he saw you checking the car, he became angry and scolded: The policeman was not at home with his wife and children's parents in the middle of the night, but he also came out to make trouble.

As soon as I listened, I scolded him, but he refused. I slapped him when I was drunk. I didn't expect this bastard to throw away the car. You said it was irritating!

The policeman was very excited: this boy should fight, thank you for understanding! It's okay, man. You get in the car and I'll take you home.

The boss sat in the co-pilot, watching the traffic police silently realize: no innovation these days, only a dead end!

On the fourth day, the boss and other four people drank ... when they drove to the bridge, they were dumbfounded when they met drunk driving.

The boss told the whole car to get off, and everyone pushed the cart behind and pushed it to the police.

The policeman asked: What's the matter?

The four men replied, I can't drive because I'm drunk. I was close to home, so I pushed it home.

The policeman saw that the car behind him was blocked and asked, who drank the least?

The boss said, I only drank one bottle of beer.

The policeman said, a bottle of beer will do. Drive away quickly and don't get stuck in traffic!

Ideas determine the way out! That's brilliant. Ha ha ha!

Large-scale and small-scale projects

Yesterday, a friend I haven't seen for a long time came to see me and talked about the project.

He said: I have several large and small projects in my hand. I will introduce them to you and get two dollars. Do you want to take the big one or the small one?

I said, of course, it's big and useless.

He said: there are three big ones, one is to install elevators for the Himalayas, the other is to make guardrails for the Pacific Ocean, and the third is to install ceilings for the Atlantic Ocean. Which one do you choose?

I said, it's too fucking big to fix! Have a small one!

He said, well, one is to make masks for flies, the other is to make bras for mosquitoes, and the third is to make gloves for fleas. Which one do you choose?

Damn bear, I fainted! You can't do big things, and you can't do small things.