Shu Qi slogan

Use the clip here, the effect is leverage! !

Jia Xuming Zhang Kang crosstalk "News Network" lines, funny situation ~ ~

Jia: Good evening, audience.

Zhang: Good evening.

Jia: Today is Monday, April 30th, 20 12, the 10th day of the fourth lunar month. Welcome to the news broadcast program.

Zhang: The main content of today's program is

Jia: A crosstalk performer from a street shop in Beijing and a crosstalk show will be staged at Haidian Theater in Beijing.

Zhang: The United Nations Millennium Development Conference will be held at United Nations Headquarters. The main topic of the meeting will be to discuss whether Zhang Jia's cross talk symbol meets the market demand at that time and whether it leads the new trend of cross talk development.

Jia: World leaders have sent congratulatory messages. They said in their congratulatory message that in the past year, Zhang Jia's cross talk has made outstanding contributions to world peace and development, especially affirming Zhang Jia's shameless spirit.

Zhang: Celebrities from all walks of life arrived at Haidian Theatre for a four-hour official goodwill visit for the cooperative performance.

Jia: Those who watched the performance today are

Zhang: Obama

Jia: Bin Laden

Zhang: Ban Ki-moon

Jia: Gaddafi

Zhang: George W. Bush

Jia: Saddam Hussein

Zhang: Sir.

Jia: Sir.

Zhang: I read the list here.

Jia: I read the list over there.

Zhang: Both sides are very concerned about this performance.

Jia: Especially people there are more concerned.

Zhang: They said that if they didn't behave well, they would not hesitate to take them away.

Jia: The main reason is that there is no subpoena.

Zhang: We mainly recall the main news contents from 20 12 65438+ 10/0/to May 1. Please check the newsletter.

Jia: For the first time, Bi Fujian hosted CCTV Spring Festival Gala, and there was an old man who was behind the house. Sure enough, the stars of the Spring Festival Gala all showed the standard of the Avenue of Stars.

Zhang: At the the Year of the Loong Spring Festival Gala, Li was the most powerful person in history, because he followed Li from Qu Ying, Zhou Xun to Faye Wong, and as a result, he lost his voice.

Jia: On March 20th, faced with the price increase of Sinopec, PetroChina and CNOOC at the same time, China Waste Oil made it clear that it would not follow up for the time being.

Zhang: This point has won unanimous praise from all walks of life. Is this a truly responsible and conscientious central enterprise?

Jia: The Municipal Traffic Management Bureau informed that the increase in the price of No.93 gasoline led to a significant decrease in traffic volume, but the increase in pedestrian flow increased the traffic pressure. Therefore, from May 1 day, passers-by will be restricted, with one eyelid for one day, two eyelids for two days, and single and double night tours. Those who wear sunglasses will be regarded as deliberately blocking the license plate, blind people will be regarded as having no license plate, and those who cut their double eyelids will be regarded as decks.

Zhang: On March 15, it was reported that some large enterprises were selling expired food. In fact, we should not condemn them, but thank them. They help us cultivate ourselves into indestructible bodies. According to Xinhua News Agency, more than 200 diners were hospitalized for diarrhea due to the use of unsanitary tableware in a restaurant in California. However, diners from China not only did not feel any discomfort, but also participated in the rescue work. The American reporter present sighed with emotion: Gone are the days when China people got sick in East Asia. Today, everyone in China is poisonous. ! !

Jia: You see, the people who make leather shoes medicine just ate Sudan red salted duck eggs the day before yesterday, and the people who make Sudan red just drank waste oil the day before yesterday. People who make gutter oil drink milk in the morning, and people who drink milk in the morning eat lean meat every day, and they also have diarrhea in the hospital. Don't apologize, this is in line with the three-dimensional leap-forward comprehensive management! ! !

Zhang: If I want to eat jelly in the future, I will lick my shoes. If I want to eat old yogurt, I will lick my shoes. If I catch a cold, I will lick my shoes. When I have money, I will definitely buy two pairs of shoes, wear a pair and eat a pair.

Jia: Going up to the hall, going down to the kitchen, going up to the mountain, going down to the pond, making yogurt and pressing capsules, 20 12 leather shoes are as busy as a bee.

Zhang: There are news about exposure of toxic food around us every day. Occasionally, I saw the contents of harmful substances clearly marked on cigarette packages, and clearly reminded me that smoking is harmful to health. I was inexplicably moved. It is still the most conscientious cigarette industry.

Jia: His deeds are very touching. People praise and learn from the good example of small Shenyang, vigorously carry forward the spirit of small Shenyang, and a large number of pacesetters have emerged in various places to learn from small Shenyang.

Zhang: The people's tolerance for corruption has reached a critical point. Therefore, the relevant departments decided to greatly raise the critical point of the people.

Jia: The central government decided to invest 1 100 million yuan to arrange for 40,000 bureau-level cadres to take the Long March again. Once the news leaked, it caused a heated discussion among netizens.

People have expressed their willingness to fight the national army without any reward, and they also said that they would never let a corrupt official live in northern Shaanxi.

Zhang: If European and American schools hold parent-teacher conferences in March and April next year, the two sessions may not be held next year.

Jia: The candidate countries that moved China this year are Indonesia, Viet Nam, Myanmar, Thailand and the Philippines.

Zhang: General Zhang, a famous military scientist, conducted a questionnaire survey on the military strength of various countries: First, the United States can hit whoever it wants! Second: I will fight whoever Britain and America fight! Third: France, I will hit whoever hits me! Fourth: Japan, whoever hits me, I will let the United States hit him! Fifth: Korea, who hit me? I will practice with America! Sixth: Russia, I will hit anyone who scolds me! Seventh: In our country, whoever hits me will be scolded! .....

Jia: Eighth: North Korea, whoever hits me, I will hit South Korea.

Zhang: North Korea is really a strange country. As long as it is fat, it will become a national leader sooner or later.

Jia: North Korea was originally poor. It saved money to build rockets for so many years, but it was not expected to be released as a monkey.

Zhang: North Korea's failure to launch a rocket tells us a truth: If you still want to shoot when you are not full, you really can't hold on for a minute.

Jia: A Japanese tourist lost his bike in Wuhan and found it later. He expressed deep gratitude to the citizens of Wuhan. Actually, it's nothing. When the photographer Mr. Chen lost his computer, the whole society helped him find the photos.

Zhang: The Japanese who lost their bicycles. I want to remind you that you lost your bike after riding more than a dozen countries. Be content. If you put your first stop in China, your world tour will have only one stop.

Jia: Ask Locke: Mr. Ambassador, I heard that you are flying economy class. Are you reminding everyone that the United States owes China money? Rui Chenggang's question is reasonable, because all China people who owe money to China fly first class.

Zhang: A primary school in Guizhou was poisoned by students eating spoiled food, and the principal was dismissed on the spot. It is difficult to be a primary school principal, and university presidents will never be fired for feeding them rotten food.

Jia: Good medicine tastes bitter and is good for the disease. In order to solve the bitter problem of traditional Chinese medicine, china association of traditional chinese medicine decided to insert a tube into the body to fill the medicine, because it would be very comfortable to have a tube in the body, and started the experiment from the president of the Association.

Zhang: Recently, the medicine in Guizhentang has gone up instead of down. The bile-taking incident proved that their products were genuine.

Jia: A young man's girlfriend was arranged to leave a message "I love you" every day under a Sina Weibo. As long as she persists for 65,438+000 days, she will marry this young man. It seems that she has persisted for 99 days. When she opened Weibo for 65,438+000 days, the screen was clean.

Zhang: Internet development planning: First, comments have been closed; Second, comments have been closed; Third, close

Jia: Weibo, ranked second in the Weibo list, is: the Weibo has been deleted by the original author; The number one Weibo is: The Weibo has been deleted.

Zhang: The State Administration for Industry and Commerce investigated and dealt with a case of infringement of the exclusive right to use the Olympic trademark according to law. An underwear manufacturer in Zhejiang registered two trademarks first. Men's underwear is called bird's nest, and women's underwear is called water cube. What annoys the Olympic Committee most is the advertising slogan: same place, same dream.

Jia: 15 years ago, when I was in junior high school, the whole class watched Titanic together. Then I don't understand why Ross and Jack got into the car, the window was foggy, and one hand was patting the window. I want to watch it again this time. I heard it was deleted.

Zhang: IPAD3 was released as scheduled. It supports ten languages, but there is no Korean. Korean netizens expressed regret that South Korea is a market that cannot be ignored. Why not support Korean? China netizens said that it is still an old apple, which directly eliminated the possibility that Apple was invented by South Korea.

Jia: The war between Fang and Han Han taught us two things: one is that Han Han is not a god, and the other is that Fang is not a human being.

Zhang: As for Fang, only water can be harnessed, and water can carry a boat and overturn it.

Jia: During the match between Guangzhou Evergrande and Japanese Apollo, the fans put up the slogan "Diaoyu Island belongs to China and Aoi sora belongs to everyone".

Zhang: Aoi sora speaks for Longjing. Everyone questioned: Is Longjing scented tea green tea after all?

Jia: Both Kurai and Longjing have the word "",so we can understand what the word "well" stands for, because it is both two words.

Zhang: Here is the sports news.

Jia: After unremitting efforts, Messi's average score per game finally surpassed that of the United Arab League.

Zhang: After several years of hard work in NBA, Yi Jianlian has changed from an ordinary substitute player to a pure substitute player.

Jia: Beijing Jinyu Basketball Team won the first secondary professional basketball championship, and two of them played an extremely important role, one was Marbury and the other was Su Wei.

Zhang: Beijing fans got rid of years of scolding Beijing and turned to shout for Su Wei. The club of the municipal government presented a banner to Comrade Su Wei with tears in recognition of his great contribution to the civilized stadium. In this way, Su Wei cured her long illness.

Jia: China football failed to go to the world again, and the fans said calmly that it was the due result.

Zhang: I've been watching China's game for more than ten years. What commentators say most is that there is not much time left for China.

Jia: On the issue of national football bonuses, the Football Association recently announced a plan, in which the top ten matches will be awarded with a bonus of 5 million yuan, the World Cup bonus will be100000, and the total bonus will be * * *150000. The player bought a welfare lottery ticket.

Zhang: Shu Qi deleted all Weibo. A quarrel between a 200,000 fan and a 4 million fan forced a100,000 fan to delete Weibo.

Jia: There are countless billboards and posters all over Beijing to promote Beijing spirit, patriotism, innovation, tolerance, virtue and certification.

Z: invoice. Wechat Shake is a good social tool. In a few months, all Parkinson's patients in the country have become strong and become friends.

Jia: I heard that China plans to build its own aircraft carrier. The most pertinent suggestion of the Ministry of Railways is that China had better build an aircraft carrier.

Zhang: An English city will be built in Miyun, Beijing, where people are not allowed to speak Chinese. In fact, this matter is not new, because it has existed in China for a long time.

The precedent is that people wearing big underpants are not allowed to tell the truth.

Jia: The divorce rate in China has been rising for seven consecutive years. More than 5000 couples divorce every day. In order to control the number of divorces, Beijing will implement a lottery divorce.

Zhang: I just saw the Apple mobile phone on the Qingming Festival. I'm afraid my ancestors won't use it. The owner of the sacrifice shop said that Jobs had turned it in. Please rest assured.

Jia: Due to the sharp increase in the price of cemeteries, many people ask to be buried standing to expose their upper body, which can save land and even tombstones.

Zhang: There is a generation in China who didn't need money to go to college when they were in primary school, and they didn't need money to go to primary school when they went to college. Before they have jobs, they must find their own jobs when they can. When they don't earn money, their houses are allocated. When they earn money, they find that they can't afford a house and can't get a wife. Before entering the stock market, fools can make money. When they rushed in, they found themselves fools. They are always in no hurry for success. After complaining, they always live tenaciously. They are post-80s.

Jia: They live in the world's most expensive house, drive the world's most expensive car, pay the world's most expensive expenses, burn the world's most expensive oil, drive on the world's most blocked roads, spend the world's most money on roads, avoid the world's most luxurious cars, get in touch with the world's most intensive electronic products, and worry about the world's strangest fines. They are from Beijing.

Jia: Many people in China don't like News Network because they are jealous of China's happy life.

Zhang: Today's news broadcast is over.

Jia: Thank you for watching.