Who has the lines for Yang Shaohua's stand-up comedy "Selling Books"?

Poets sell books"

A: Brother, why are you squatting here guarding this pile of books in the summer?

B: Forget it, I’m selling books.

A: Selling books? When did you become a bookseller? You must have made a lot of money, right?

B: Money, money, you know money.

A: Hey, this guy is really boring. He won’t call me even if he has a chance to make money.

B: What are the money-making opportunities? What are the money-making opportunities? I get annoyed when I hear about money, can you please stop talking about money all the time? (A touches B's head, B knocks A's hand off and says), what are you doing?

A: Bro, what’s wrong today? Are you okay?

B: I'm annoyed enough. Please stop making noise here. Last time you cursed me to get sick, and this time you cursed me again. If I were really sick, you would be happy if I died.

A: Brother, I didn’t offend you. You took some medicine today. Why are you so energetic? Tell me if you have anything to say. We are friends. As long as I can help you, I will definitely help you. you.

B: It’s not easy to help me, I’m afraid you won’t want to help.

A: Tell me, how can I help? As long as I can help----

B: Buy my book.

A: Buying books. Which of your books is useful to me? Just let me buy it?

B: How could it be useless? Poems. Even if you don’t understand poetry, you can still teach your children to learn it when you go home.

A: I have quite a lot of poetry collections at home, including Tang poetry, Song lyrics, and Yuan operas. I don’t think I need to buy any more. It seems I can’t help with this. I bought a lot and went home It’s not like you don’t know that my wife wants to scold me. I am born with “tracheitis” and am afraid of my wife to death.

B: Don’t worry, it’s not too heavy. Mine is “New Modern Poetry Collection”.

A: "Modern New Poetry", let me read it first. After I saw it, I went home and called my wife. If my wife said I wanted to buy it, I would buy it. If my wife said she didn’t want to buy it, there was nothing I could do about it. I never make the decision when it comes to buying things.

B: You even said you would help me, but it seems all nonsense!

A: Okay, it’s not that I won’t help you, there’s nothing I can do about it. Let’s talk about how many copies you have sold first.

B: I have sold a few copies, but not a single one. Or should I be in a hurry?

A: No one stopped to take a look at your place?

B: There were quite a few people who stopped to look at it. They just looked through it and before I could say anything to introduce it, they all left again. (B finished speaking and pointed to the distance,) Did you see that there is a master there? He is so bad! I was selling poetry, and he was selling poetry too, taking away all my business.

A: What poems does he sell?

B: Tang poetry, Song lyrics, Yuan operas, The Book of Songs, and Li Sao are all from ancient times. They have everything!

A: How is his business?

B: I saw many people buying it.

A: It seems that new modern poetry is not easy to sell!

B: It’s not that it’s not easy to sell. The main reason is that the buyers were too impatient and left before I could introduce them. In fact, as long as they give me a chance to talk, I will definitely be able to sell it.

A: Really? Such confidence.

B: Of course, we people by the river, Director He said, our collection of poems is first-rate and the best.

A: Forget about your Dean He, I don’t believe him. Let's do this. I'll pretend to be a buyer and you'll be selling books here. Can you persuade me to do so?

B: OK, give it a try. If I can convince you, you have to buy my book.

A: Okay, I’ll risk it all. At most, my wife will slap her in the mouth a few more times.

B: Let’s get started.

A: I will first pretend to be an illiterate old lady who comes from the countryside and comes to the city to take care of her son.

B: Okay, no matter who you pretend to be, as long as you let me talk, I can convince you.

A: Then I’ll start.

B: Let’s start!

A: (A is walking over with his body bent and hunched over) Young man, what are you doing?

B: Oh! Auntie! Am I selling books? How about you buy a copy?

A: What book?

B: I’ll give you a copy to take a look at first.

A: No, I came from the countryside and I don’t know a word or read.

B: It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand. Go home and show it to your son or grandson.

A: Don’t tell me, my son and daughter-in-law are both teachers at the university, and they love reading.

B: Why don’t you hurry up and buy a copy.

A: Please tell me first, what books do you sell?

B: Poetry collection!

A: My daughter-in-law teaches my grandson to recite poems every day. If the poetry collection is good, the poetry collection will sell easily.

B: Then buy one!

A: I already have several books at home. Please tell me first what kind of poems are in your collection of poems. Don’t compare them to mine.

B: Okay, let me read you one. (B made the gesture of holding a book and turned to the first page) Auntie, let me read you a song called "Modility".

A: It’s good to be modest. People should be more modest. OK, read it.

B: "I can't write poetry/Do you think/I'm a piece of rat shit?"

A: Oh, young man, what are you talking about? , you said you wanted to read poetry to me, and now you say you can’t write poetry, why do people think you are a piece of mouse shit? If you don't know how to write poetry, don't write it. There are many people in the world who can't write poetry, and no one regards anyone as rat shit. Besides, if those who can’t write poetry are like mice, then who are we old women who can’t read? It's not like horse dung. Although it is good to be modest, there is no need to be so modest!

B: Forget it, aunt, it seems you didn’t understand the poem I just read.

A: Young man, you are so funny. What you just said was not a poem. Just say, aunt, I don’t know a word, but I can tell that it is not a poem. I have memorized several poems since I was a child. If you don’t believe me, I will recite them to you. "There is bright moonlight in front of the bed. I suspect it is frost on the ground. ------" I cannot remember what is underneath.

B: Let me tell you, the next sentence is "Look up at the bright moon, bow your head and think about your hometown."

A: That's right, right, it's "Look up at the bright moon, lower your head and think about your hometown." Hometown." This is called poetry.

B: Auntie, yes, what you memorized is indeed a poem. It is the Tang Dynasty poem "Silent Night Thoughts". This is also a poem for me.

This is a new poem for me. How about I read you a paragraph again.

A: Oh! This is new poetry. I have never heard of new poetry. You read another paragraph and I listen.

B: Aunt, let’s do this! The Dragon Boat Festival has just passed, let me read you a paragraph about the Dragon Boat Festival!

A: Okay, it’s good to write about the Dragon Boat Festival. Eating rice dumplings on the Dragon Boat Festival commemorates the great patriotic poet Qu Yuan.

B: Auntie, although you are illiterate, you really know a lot.

A: Who doesn’t know about this? I’ve known it since I was a kid. You read it and I listen to the poem in memory of Qu Yuan.

B: Okay, listen carefully this time. (B reopened the book and read)

Qu Yuan, Uncle KFC, and the McDonald’s clown

Sitting on the bench in front of the fast food restaurant

The other two all smiled sweetly

The one with a frown

Only Qu Yuan

He is an old employee of the Zongzi chain store

After thousands of years of work

But still not used to it

A: Stop it, stop it, young man, please stop it quickly. Why are you talking nonsense? Is it possible that Qu Yuan sat with the KFC uncle and the McDonald's clown? Don't fool Auntie, I understand this. Qu Yuan was from that dynasty, and what dynasty did KFC and McDonald's come from.

Does he want to be together? Besides, Qu Yuan was an old employee of a rice dumpling shop. This is also nonsense. I’m afraid Qu Yuan didn’t even know what rice dumplings were. It was said that eating rice dumplings was to commemorate Qu Yuan, but that was after Qu Yuan was thrown into the Miluo River. People Making rice dumplings and throwing them into the river is just a formality. Do you think Qu Yuan can really see and eat them? If it can really be seen and eaten, it must be a living person. Okay, I won’t tell you anymore, I’ll go over there and take a look.

B: Aunt, don’t leave. Buy a book of poems before you leave.

A: This is not poetry. Why should I buy a collection of poems? (A left, and after a while he came up again with a book in his hand, and walked to B) Young man, do you think this is called poetry? (Hands the book to B)

B: (B takes it, looks at the cover and reads) Three hundred Yuan songs. (Looks up and says to B) Oh, aunt, this is a Yuan song.

A: The young man selling books read to me: "Withered vines, old trees and dim crows, small bridges and flowing water, people's houses.----" Listen to how nice it sounds.

B: Oh, what he read to you is "Tianjingsha*Autumn Thoughts"

A: Okay, it's time for me to go home. (A walked a few steps down, turned back, and said to B) How about I dress up as a country aunt, but your book didn’t sell.

B: Country aunts can’t do it. Country aunts are too poor in quality to appreciate my poems. Can you pretend to be knowledgeable and high-quality?

A: Okay, how about knowledgeable, high-quality, middle-aged intellectuals?

B: Well done to middle-aged intellectuals. Middle-aged intellectuals are cultured and well-educated. They will definitely be able to appreciate my poems.

A: Okay, let’s get started.

B: Start!

A: (A walked over slowly and said to himself) There is a bookstall. I have a problem. I can’t walk when I see books. I have to go and see.

B: (to the audience) Good this time, there is a way. This master couldn't walk after seeing the book. Definitely have to buy it. (A picked up a book and flipped through it, B glanced at A and said) Sir, buy a book.

A: No rush, let me take a look first.

B: This is a good book, "Collection of Modern New Poems"

A: I saw it. I have always wanted to buy a book of modern new poetry, but after reading many, many books, it turned out that I didn’t like it at all, so I haven’t bought it yet.

B: Then you have found the right one this time. Our dean said that our collection of modern new poetry is the best collection of new poetry that collects the essence of new poetry in the world.

A: Your dean, what hospital are you from?

B: Poetry Hospital?

A: You are so funny. Senior Brother Hospital, is there a Junior Sister Hospital? Our colleague in the office is in his early thirties and has not found a partner yet. If there is a Junior Sister Hospital, I will have to check it out. Help him find a suitable one.

B: How can you speak like this? What kind of junior hospital is this? Why are you so complex in your thoughts and still an intellectual?

A: You are an unreasonable person. Didn’t you mention Senior Brother’s Hospital first? If you didn't talk about Junior Brother's Hospital first, how could I think of Junior Sister's Hospital? Besides, there is nothing complicated about finding a partner.

B: What poem am I talking about? What are you talking about, junior sister or not?

A: What else can Senior Brother be?

B: The poetry I am talking about is the poetry of "Tang poetry and Song lyrics", and "song" is the "song" of "singing"

A: Oh, I understand, what you said It is a hospital that treats patients with written poems.

B: As an intellectual, you understand the problem quickly. Last time I talked to Youju for a long time and he didn’t understand.

A: Then your dean must be an expert and his level must be very high.

B: Of course, of course.

A: Tell me the name of your dean. I still have a few acquaintances in the poetry world.

B: Our dean is a famous riverside man. Dean He.

A: Why haven’t I heard of the people by the river? Forget it, I won’t discuss it with you, I’ll just read the book first! (Opens the book and reads to himself) "Female Militia on the Prairie", (raises head and says to B) I have also been in the queue on the grassland.

It is also interesting to recall life on the grassland.

B: Yes, yes, you will definitely cheer up after reading this poem.

A: (Reading)

The female militiamen on the grassland all believe that

the house

is better if it is broken down

Clothes

old ones are good

leaders

things on the wall are good

The female militiamen on the grassland believe

Life

Bitterness is good

Horse

Community is good

Love

It’s better not to have it

No, even though the house we lived in on the grassland was very dilapidated at that time, we no longer looked forward to living in a new house that day, especially the girls. Live in a good house. Although the clothes we wore at that time were very shabby, there was a day when we didn't look forward to wearing new clothes every day, especially girls, who like beautiful new clothes the most. Although we lived a very hard life at that time, is there ever a day when we don’t look forward to a sweet life? Although we were still young at that time, we also knew that love is the sweetest and most beautiful. There can be no love in the world. There are two problems with this poem. First, it is too unrealistic. Second, there is only one word "good" in the rhyme. The rhyme of each sentence is the same "good", which is not good. It is not good to read. It doesn't sound good at all. Reading poetry should make people feel the beauty of language. But I read it for a long time and couldn't find any sense of beauty at all.

B: Sir, sir, maybe this poem is not very good. If you look at it again, there must be many good poems waiting for you to discover?

A: Okay, let me take another look. (A continues to flip through the book and read to himself)

Leaning against the mountain

My recent mood

It’s the indifference you forgot to take away

Facing the wind

My recent mood

It’s the helplessness you left behind when you left

Looking at the sea

My latest mood

It’s the melancholy you once gave me

Listening to the rain

My latest mood Mood

It is the sadness after you look back

Goodbye

You and the mood you gave me

Approaching another world

Another mountain

Another gust of wind

Another sea

Another rain...

(Looks up after reading) This poem is much better than the one just now.

B: I’m right, there must be good poems in our book that will satisfy you. And there are many good poems!

A: You can’t say that. I just said that this song is better than the one just now. But it still cannot be regarded as a good poem. This poem still cannot make people feel the beauty of language. Forget it, I won’t buy this book. I have something to do and I have to leave quickly.

B: Sir, sir, please don’t buy it. (A ignored B and walked down. After walking a few steps, he came back and said to B)

A: How about it, buddy? I pretend to be a middle-aged intellectual, educated and qualified. You The book is still not available for purchase.

B: Look at you pretending to be this person. Intellectuals are the most picky. This time, don’t pretend to be an intellectual. You pretend to be a person who is educated but not very well-educated. He is not too picky.

A: Good, someone who is well-educated but not very well-educated and not too picky. How about I dress up as an educated worker uncle this time.

B: Uncle worker, do you like poetry? You have to make him like poetry.

A: I like it. If I say he likes it, he likes it.

B: If you like poetry, OK! That's it, start. (A walked up with big strides and saw a book. He walked to the bookstall and stopped. B said to A) Uncle, this is the "Collection of Modern Poems". Do you like it?

A: I like both ancient and new poems, and sometimes I write some myself.

B: You also write poetry. Do you write ancient poems or new poems?

A: Write in ancient, modern and new styles.

B: Well, you haven’t bought a book yet.

A: Oh, let me take a look first.

B: Okay, look!

A: (A turned over the book and read to himself) "Sunset in the Desert"

Yuan

Silent

(A He shook his head involuntarily, continued reading, and continued reading to himself)

Get in the car

Squeeze in

Get off

Wait a minute

(A puts down the book and wants to leave)

B: Uncle, don’t leave. Why didn’t you buy it?

A: Your book is too advanced and I can’t understand it.

B: Uncle, this is your fault. Only if you don’t understand can you learn it. If you buy it home and study it carefully, you will understand it, right?

A: Young man, I know that I am only half-measured. I am afraid that I will not be able to understand your book in this life. And I think not many people can understand it! Regardless of the word "passing away", I can't think of any connection between the monk's death and poetry. And this "get on the bus/squeeze/get off/slow down" isn't this a matter of squeezing the bus? Why do I think of it being related to poetry? It really puzzles me. Too profound.

B: Only buy advanced things. If you don’t buy something profound, why not buy something superficial?

A: Boy, how about I tell you a story?

B: Great story telling! I have loved listening to stories since I was a child.

A: There was a family with two brothers. Their father asked the two brothers to go out to learn a trade so that they could make a living. Both brothers left. Three years later, both brothers came back. My brother learned the art of slaying dragons. (A glanced at B)

B: He is good at slaying dragons, and the name sounds good to him. He did not go out for three years in vain.

A: My younger brother learned to kill pigs.

B: Look at how hopeless this younger brother is. He learned how to kill pigs after only three years of being out.

A: My elder brother looks down on his younger brother.

B: It makes people look down on me. What kind of thing is this?

A: My younger brother didn’t care and started the business of killing pigs every day. My brother's business is getting bigger and bigger, and it's getting more popular; his career has developed.

B: My brother’s dragon-slaying skills have become even more advanced.

A: My brother learned the art of slaying dragons, but there are dragons everywhere in the world. If there are no dragons, what is there to slay? The elder brother accomplished nothing in his life until his death. He called his children to him and said to them: "Children, I have been harmed by dragon slaying skills in my life and have achieved nothing. You should never learn dragon slaying skills in the future. You should still be like your uncle. Keep your feet on the ground and do something down-to-earth!”

B: I didn’t expect that after learning such a superb dragon-slaying technique, I would accomplish nothing.

A: Young man, this illustrates a problem. Things that are too advanced are not suitable for this world. The same goes for poetry. The most important thing is that you want people to understand what you are saying. Of course, I understood the two poems just now, but no matter what, I couldn't understand how the author connected these things with poetry. So it means I don’t understand it. Since I don’t understand it, I have no choice but not to buy it. goodbye! young man.

B: Uncle, you... (A ignored B and walked down, walked a few steps and came back and said to B)

A: How about it, you have a certain culture, and People who are not intellectuals and not too picky will still not buy your book. I'm not telling you that your book won't be sold for a year.

B: You don’t help me, but you attack me.

A: I really want to help you, but how can I help you with this book and this poem? (A thinks for a moment) Let me give you an idea. Don’t waste time. Send this book out and get it done.

B: What’s your idea?

A: Give away books instead!

B: Come on, you are so funny. I gave you a book. You go help me find the police to maintain order. If there is no one to maintain order, we will have to fight for a while.

A: As for this book, does it matter if no one wants it? Don't worry, there won't be a fight without the police to maintain order.

B: You didn’t watch TV. Last time, it was in a park. They gave me a medical manual. Didn’t they start a fight?

A: Hey, this book of yours can compare with other people’s medical manuals! Don't worry, it won't work. If you don't believe me, let's give it a try.

B: Just give it a try.

A: If you yell, I will act like a passerby and see if I can snatch your book.

B: I’m giving away books, I’m giving away books, and I’m giving away the “Collection of Modern New Poems”.

A: How about I pretend to be a waste collector this time.

B: Dress up whatever you like, let’s get started!

A: Okay, you shout and start again.

B: A gift of a book, a gift of a book. "Collection of Modern New Poems" is given away.

A: (pretends to be carrying a sack, walks up to B) Brother, are you sending books?

B: Yes, free book!

A: Give it all to me alone. Save yourself the trouble.

B: Why should I give them all to you?

A: It’s not a gift to whomever I’m giving it to. You should go home as soon as you’re done. You won’t delay your work at home.

B: Only one copy will be given to each person.

A: Only one copy is given to each person. I don’t want it anymore. I can’t even buy a copy for a lot of money, so I ended up with the one you gave me.

B: How dare you treat my book as scrap. How hateful.

A: Still fighting? No one who collects scraps wants your books.

B: Look, the people you are pretending to be have the lowest quality. Just now they were country aunts who were illiterate. Now they are collecting scraps again.

A: Hey, don’t say that, country aunt, I don’t know Chinese characters, how can I buy three hundred Yuan songs instead of your book?

B: Come on, come on, can you pretend to be someone with some quality?

A: Okay, let’s pretend to be someone with some quality. This time I will pretend to be two people. Pretend to be a couple.

B: Okay, okay, it’s good to pretend to be a lover, in front of flowers and under the moon, poetic and picturesque, you will definitely be interested in my book.

A: Not necessarily,

B: Give it a try.

A: Give it a try and start shouting!

B: I’m giving away books, I’m giving away books, and I’m giving away the “Collection of Modern New Poems”.

A: (pretending to be a female voice) What about the gift book? (Pretends to be a man's voice) Let's go take a look.

B: Each of you will take one copy.

A: (pretending to be a female voice) Take a look first and then talk. (A turns over the book and pretends to be a man)

Make mistakes for love

Be careful

Often afraid of making mistakes for love

Many Heartful

Often go wrong for love

Ruthless

Never go wrong for love

Sentimental

It’s inevitable to make mistakes for love

To make mistakes for love

It’s not your fault

It’s not my fault

The only fault is that I fell in love with you

The only fault is that you fell in love with me

--------

(Pretend Female voice) What's wrong is that you fell in love with me. You fell in love with me. Ignore me. (A pretends to be a woman and walks away. A turns back and pretends to be a man.) Don't go. This is what the book says, not me. (Put down the book and go after it quickly. Walk a few steps and come back and say to B) How about it? Educated young people who are in love don’t want your book either. I almost had your book broken by someone.

B: Why am I so unlucky? They couldn't watch that song, but they watched this song "Wrong for Love". Come again, come again, I don’t believe it, I can’t even give it away.

A: Okay, start shouting and come again!

B: I’m giving away books, I’m giving away books, and I’m giving away the “Collection of Modern New Poems”.

A: Ouch! Ouch! (A walked up holding his stomach)

B: What’s wrong with this master.

A: What else is wrong? My stomach hurts!

B: If your stomach hurts, go to the toilet quickly.

A: Dude, do you have toilet paper?

B: Who will prepare toilet paper for you!

A: How about a book, buddy?

B: My book was originally given as a gift, but people have three urgent needs. You are in a hurry to go to the toilet now. You can read it after you come back from using the toilet!

A: You guys are so boring, you didn’t see that I don’t have toilet paper!

B: Prepare to use my book as toilet paper!

A: The book is also made of paper, isn’t it different?

B: (B on the concept) Hey, it’s been almost a day, and I haven’t sold a copy, and I haven’t given it away. Maybe he can take a look while squatting in the toilet, so I don’t think I have. Come to this day in vain. (Turn to A)

Brother, next time eat less food and eat more spiritual food. Give you a copy. (A walks down with the book) After all, I gave one away. (A is back again)

A: Brother, next time I give you a book, use softer paper. My butt is torn and it hurts.

B: (B saw that there was no book in A’s hand and asked) Every book has been used as toilet paper.

A: How can you use so many?

B: Where are the rest?

A: Throw it away, throw it into the pit. If you want me to fish it out for you again. But it smells weird when you take it out. You gave it as a gift anyway, so I don’t think you want it.

B: This guy----

A: What do you think, just give me a copy and throw it in the toilet. I said don't bother, no one wants your book.

B: Hey, no wonder our President He said that the quality of people today is too poor. The quality of people has dropped ten times compared with ten years ago, and has dropped twenty times compared with fifteen years ago. That’s why no one reads poetry anymore.

A: Brother, this is wrong. In the past ten years, the country has attached great importance to education, and the quality of people has been constantly improving. I think the quality of people now has improved twenty times compared to fifteen years ago. .

B: There are too many gadgets nowadays, people’s interests have shifted, and no one reads poetry anymore.

A: This statement makes a little more sense than what I just said. It's just still not right. You see (pointing in the distance with your hand), they also sell poetry collections. Why are they selling so well?

B: Are they selling ancient poems by our ancestors?

A: Isn’t this the end? It’s not that no one likes poetry, it’s that there are too few good poems nowadays, and I actually came up with some hazy poems and the like. After reading them for a long time, I didn’t understand what was going on. Who can like it. If you look at today's two-year-old children, they will definitely be able to recite a few Tang poems. But let alone children, there are only a few adults who can recite new poems. By the way, I have been selling books here with you for a long time, and I memorized a poem, "Passing Nirvana". Weird, this is also called a poem. You are not afraid of other people’s jokes either. Okay, I won’t tell you anymore, it’s time for me to go home.

B: Come on, buddy, help me pack it up. Pack it up, and I’ll go home too. I don’t think I can sell it if I keep squatting here.

This cross talk was downloaded from NetEase Poet's Inspiration last year, author: Youju;

Most of the things written in it are adapted from what happened to NetEase Poet's Inspiration. Most of the poems cited in it are also works inspired by NetEase poets. The man by the river is Mr. Linyuan of NetEase.