The controversy of true love

The word condition is mentioned in concept 2. What is emphasized here is by no means money, height and RV. But the actions and feelings of both sides. Without action, all verbal promises are nonsense.

Taking parents' love for children as an example, explain the conditions mentioned in concept 2:

1. True love has a clear object. Your parents who really love you will not spend the same time and money on a strange child. )

2. This object will cooperate with you more and more with actions. Your parents who really love you will not cheat you or spoil you. )

3. What true love pursues is that both parties feel happy for a long time. True love for your parents will make you feel the happiness of being loved. And they, too, feel this trusted happiness. )

4. True love pursues a long-term friendly lifestyle that both parties enjoy. Your parents who really love you won't quarrel with you all the time, but they are friendly with you most of the time. )

5. The emotion derived from true love should be more love. Parents who really love you will be more willing to improve the world because of you. And you, because of your parents, are more willing to improve the world. )

A word is mentioned here, which is called parents who really love you. Someone will ask, are there any parents who love you falsely? Well, in this world, there are parents who abandon their wives and children. Their actions are hard to make people believe that they are true love ... For true love, we must know "false love". If you are scarred by a certain intimate relationship, it must not be love that makes you scarred, but "false love" makes you scarred. Behind "fake love" may be numbness or hatred. We must understand this so as not to lose confidence in true love.

Lies: No parents don't love their children, which is No.1 among countless lies in the world. This lie is so absolute that it is easy to refute. In fact, we only need to find one exception to refute this assertion, and such "exceptions" are too many and terrible. For example, A Jun, a girl from Huadu District, Guangzhou, had her ears cut off by her mother; ZLL, a graduate student of Fudan University, made a sensation by killing dozens of cats, but the other side of his cat abuse was his love for cats, and this abnormal psychology of "I love you, so I abuse you" came from his father's harsh and abusive treatment, such as beating him repeatedly for trivial matters and often shutting him out for the night; ..... Despite so many cases of parents abusing their children, there are still many people who believe that "no parents don't love their children" is true. They don't talk about logical loopholes, but emphasize that those cases are special cases. A friend said to me, "Parents don't love their children, I estimate it is one in a thousand." People who hold this view can go to Baidu's "Dad Bar", "Mom Bar", "Father Bar" and "Mother Bar" to have a look, and then enter Dad, Mom, Father or Mother separately to enter the relevant post bar), and you will find that there are too many parents who abuse their children in the name of love, or those who disdain to borrow the name of love and directly abuse their children, but they seem to have deep hatred for their parents. Among the letters I received myself, at least 2% talked about parents' physical or mental abuse of themselves, and some letters were written to me for help because parents realized their abuse of their children, but they couldn't control themselves. This is a fact that must be faced squarely. Modern clinical psychologists generally believe that an adult's relationship model is, to a great extent, a reproduction of his childhood relationship model. If a person cruelly abuses or even kills others for no reason, then it can be basically inferred that this person has been cruelly abused, such as Wei Juan, a female employer in Zhuhai who abused the little babysitter Cai Minmin. From this point of view, the cold malice finally displayed on an adult can be traced back to his childhood relationship, and most of them can be traced back to his relationship with his parents. When ZLL, a master of Fudan University, abused cats, he just transferred the way his father treated him to the way he treated cats. Moreover, it is of great significance to face this fact directly. A very important reason why many people can't control themselves, or treat their spouses and children cruelly, or treat other people in society cruelly is that they can't face the fact that they have a "bad father" or a "bad mother". Our society pays special attention to filial piety. Even if parents abuse themselves, we should think that parents are right. However, this rational acceptance can't contain his emotional hatred, but parents can't hate it, so they pass this hatred on to their spouses, children or others. This transfer mechanism is the basis of many evil deeds. People often write to me saying that he wants to kill people and hurt others. If you talk to such people, they will tell you at first how they have wronged him. With the deepening of the chat, he will finally admit that it is not those people who are most sorry for him, but his parents or other "closest relatives and loved ones". In a society that pays special attention to filial piety, "no parents don't love their children" will become a huge curse, which will make us forgive those parents who abuse or even kill their children, and also make us unable to see how evil originated in the first place, so that our whole society can't face the opposite facts directly. At this point, we need to learn from European and American countries, have a mature social system, monitor the way parents treat their children, and deprive seriously unqualified parents of custody. Remember: fatherly love and maternal love are great, which is the most basic and important channel for the whole human being to constantly reproduce and pass on love. However, this is far from saying that a person automatically becomes a good parent when he has children. True love is not simple. We must be aware of this and constantly review and reflect on the specific ways we treat our children. "No parents don't love their children" is a lazy logic and the best excuse for parents to excuse themselves. If you are superstitious about this sentence, the way you treat your children must be reviewed.

This is a typical love lie in our society. Parents use this lie to control their children, teachers use this lie to control their students, men use this lie to control women, and women also use this lie to control men. This lie is our collective unconsciousness, and it comes from the same experience: at the age of 1-3, when children are toddlers and begin to explore the world, adults can't help but finish tasks for them. For example, when a child stumbles with a toy, adults hand it to him; When the child crawled around, the adults stopped him for fear; When children are playing happily and yelling, adults warn them to keep their voices down ... In short, adults seriously hinder children's efforts to explore the world for safety and love. And, when the children grow up, we will do it more and more. For example, help children solve all problems and make all decisions for them. When children refuse to accept it, they are forced to accept it in the name of "love". Parents are doing this, and so are teachers. Doing so is killing the child's life. The meaning of life lies in choices. When a person keeps making choices for his own life, no matter whether these choices are right or wrong, his life will be rich and colorful because of his own choices, and his psychological energy will continue to increase. Only by making choices can a person be considered alive. If someone else is making choices for him all his life, then his life is meaningless. No matter how much others give him, no matter how "right" those choices are, he will be weak. Making choices for children in the name of love can be extremely confusing. Parents feel that they are doing the right thing, and the children don't know how to resist. However, parents and children will be distressed because of this. Parents find that they must always worry about their children, while children will often feel "bored" and "bored", and even feel suffocated, as if someone is pinching their necks. This sense of suffocation is not difficult to understand, because parents make all the decisions for their children, which is to strangle their children's lives mentally. Moreover, this kind of "pinch" seems to be very kind. Parents think so, children think so, and society thinks so. Reason can deceive people easily, but emotion can't. Children who are badly pinched often make some extreme behaviors to express their true feelings. In 214, the situation that parents decide their children's life and teachers decide their children's study became more and more serious, and children's resistance became stronger and stronger. The common ways were internet addiction and rebellion, while the extreme ways were suicide and murder. There have been many suicides among middle school students and college students in Guangzhou in recent two years, and there is no clear reason for suicide. It seems completely inexplicable. My own understanding is that most of them were "strangled" in this way. In extreme cases, they will also directly attack those who "pinch" them. This is the psychological reason why Guangzhou Dong's college student killed his father, and it is also the reason why some middle school students lost control and violently attacked the elderly because the elderly advised them to study hard. There have been more and more reports of suicides among middle school students and college students in the past two years. Many psychological teachers who consult in schools also say that students' psychological problems are getting worse and worse, which has obviously worsened in the past two years. The root cause of this situation may be that parents and teachers are too serious to make choices for their children, and children's lives are being seriously stifled. Remember: if you really love children, please respect their independent space, please let them choose, please don't kill them mentally.

Lie: I love you, so we don't separate adults, but force children to stick together with themselves in the name of love, which is also a common lie in parent-child relationship. A mother wrote that after her son went to middle school, she would never tell her the truth again. She had no way to know what the child was thinking and was very anxious. I wrote back that this is an inevitable feature of adolescence. Children must deliberately keep a certain distance from their parents, so as to ensure their independent space. Parents don't need to be worms in their children's stomachs. Children know everything they want. As a result, I received the second letter from this email. It turns out that this mother can't use e-mail. The letter in front of her was sent by her son. This time it was written by my son himself, and he agreed with the statement, "Mom doesn't want to accept it." This is very simple. It is not the son's need to stick with the child, but the mother's need. In fact, she can admit this and say to her son, "I need you, please come closer to me and tell me the truth", instead of borrowing the love lie "I did it for your own good". Parents and children stick together. Usually, children are not inseparable from their parents, because independent growth is an impulse from life. Unless this impulse is seriously damaged, children who enter adolescence will not be willing to stick with their parents all day. Parents' serious adhesion to their children will cause many bad consequences. The most common thing is the motivation that will hinder children's outward development. In order to meet their parents' needs, children stop growing up independently and even refuse to fall in love, because they will think it is a betrayal of their parents. Remember: Parents should always ask themselves: "Are you really doing this for your children? Or for myself? "

Lies: The word mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is a lie in itself, because it sounds like a binary relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but ignores the essence-this is a triangular relationship between mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and son. Moreover, the core of this triangle relationship is the son, not the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law From this point of view, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a terrible word, because it gives her son an excuse to calmly say that this is a matter for two women, and there is not much he can do. In fact, he is the core and the key to solving the problem. If he stands by, the so-called relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is very difficult and good. This triangular relationship seems to be the result of China's traditional concept of big family. Because of the concept of big family, we are used to taking the man's old man to live together after marriage. In this way, the new family of daughter-in-law and son will be mixed up with the original extended family, which will easily lead to problems. Traditionally, the role of daughter-in-law is the least important. She is an "outsider" of a big family, and it is inevitable that it will be difficult to integrate into the system of a big family at first. In a family in the 21st century, a daughter-in-law and a son are almost equally important. She has to bear the economic pressure, go out and have a lot of resources. She must think that this is her home, not her mother-in-law's. If the mother-in-law thinks that this is her home and can't help being the master in this home, there will be conflicts. If the son is taken in by the word "mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship" and does not actively mediate, then the family will easily fall apart. However, the essence of the problem is not the big family, but the Oedipus complex, that is, the Oedipus complex-in turn, the Oedipus complex. Oedipus complex was put forward by Freud, the father of Austrian psychoanalysis, but it is generally believed in domestic psychological circles that China people's Oedipus complex is more serious. The traditional family in China is unbalanced, with parent-child relationship as the core and husband-wife relationship as the supporting role. In this mode, the relationship between mother and child is almost certainly more important than the relationship between husband and wife. In other words, for a mother, her son is her most important emotional sustenance, and her husband ranks second at most. In this way, once the son gets married, it means that the mother will lose her most important emotional sustenance, and no one is willing to accept this huge loss. Unwilling, the mother-in-law inevitably launched a battle with her daughter-in-law. It must be emphasized that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has become the most typical puzzling topic in China on the premise that parents-in-law live with their sons and daughters-in-law. On the contrary, if the parents-in-law and daughter-in-law live together, the troubles between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be replaced by the troubles of the parents-in-law and son-in-law. The relationship between husband and wife is the supporting role of parent-child relationship. This tradition not only causes mothers to love their children, but also causes fathers to love their daughters. A woman is too close to her father and spends more time with her parents than with her husband, which eventually leads her husband to leave her. The extended family is not a problem. If the extended family respects the independence of the small family, and the parents-in-law love each other and their husband-wife relationship is more important than the parent-child relationship, then even if the parents-in-law live with their son and daughter-in-law, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will not be a problem, because the mother-in-law only loses the second most important person in her life, which is affordable. Similarly, if parents-in-law love each other deeply, it is not a problem for them to live with their daughters and sons-in-law. Remember: the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a lie, and the triangle relationship is the truth, and the son, as the core of the triangle relationship, is the best candidate to mediate the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If he doesn't want his family to fall apart, he should take responsibility and actively adjust the relationship between mother and wife instead of escaping. If you are an elder, please remember that "children should not be your favorite", and your spouse is your most important lover.

Lies: Jealousy about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a smokescreen that covers up the real problem. Similarly, the word "jealousy" is often a smokescreen, covering up the real problem. Jealousy is also a lie of love. It seems that jealousy is also a triangular relationship. "I" fell in love with another person because of "you". In fact, jealousy is often an excuse to