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I don’t know I am a guest in my dream

Author: Sanmao

The moment I write this is the beginning of 1983, 00:27.

I sat at my desk and thought about a wish.

It is not that there are new hopes only in the New Year. It is a topic that the composition teacher must give to primary school students when they celebrate the New Year. If you don’t write down your plans for the year during the Chinese New Year, you’ll always feel as if you haven’t said what you should say. Writing homework once a year has become a habit, and it is not easy for people to grow up like this.

Don’t take A, B, C, and D too seriously in life in the essay book. If your ambition this year is small but sincere, and the teacher gives you a C, there will be a chance to aspire to be a doctor or scientist in next year’s book. That A, It will still come anyway.

In the composition books for many years, most of the ambitions I set were to please the teacher. Of course this is deceiving others, but there is no way to deceive yourself.

In fact, my life’s interests are many and wide. When I really think about it, I always read and read. It was not for anything else that I played truant back then. I played truant just to study.

On a rainy day, I hid in the cemetery and ate extracurricular books. The embarrassment and suffering of being cold and lying are still fresh in my memory. I still have no way to look back at that obsession.

My "Dream of Red Mansions", "Water Margin", "The Twelfth Floor", "Huizhen Ji", "Nie Haihua", "Da Drama Examination", "The Scholars", "Modern and Ancient Wonders" ", "The Legend of Heroes of Sons and Daughters", "The Romance of the Qinghong Gang", "Notes of Yuewei Thatched Cottage"... are all the lovesickness carved at that time. I asked for a seal called "No Regrets".

When I put the red ink pad on it and raised my hand, there were two regrets. Good words are eye-catching, but not shocking. I like to regard reading as an eternal pursuit, and I am willing to devote the rest of my life to books. If you lose the friends you usually reciprocate because of reading and living in seclusion, and if you appear unreasonable and lose your courtesy, then there is nothing you can do about it and you will not regret it. I am willing to lose other entertainment in the world and prosperity in the eyes of others, just because my ability is limited and my time can no longer be allocated to other businesses, just to have more and more books on the shelf. My income can be modest in terms of food, clothing, housing and transportation, but frugality cannot be mentioned in books. I am stingy with giving away every moment to others, but I am happy to spend it on reading. This is selfishness and waste on my part, and there is no explanation. Not only is there no explanation, but I feel at ease with it.

I don’t study hard, and I can’t do anything about it. In the book, I was just playing around. There are many places to visit in the book, including the Grand View Garden, which I haven’t visited yet, not to mention there are still so many places to visit.

The word "you" (you) in art mentioned by Confucius has been understood since I was a child, but the teacher just said: work while working, and play while playing. To me, these two things are neither interesting to deal with separately. The work that cannot be done by swimming is difficult to do, and the books that cannot be done by swimming are not read.

I often read and recite white characters, but I don’t want to put down the book to look up Cihai. It’s not that I don’t read Cihai, but I read it for fun, not just to look up one pronunciation.

If you really understand the meaning of the word you can’t pronounce, you will be interested in a good book. If you put down the book and go to the dictionary, your momentum will be lost. If you choose one of the two, of course you will give up the dictionary. Studying among ordinary people is a personal enjoyment and a personal experience, and it does not harm the country and the people because of reading white characters. Reading is not for anyone, including recipes. Studying is only for your own pleasure.

But I didn’t study deliberately. I have to search for things deliberately, even the scenery. What I look for is often not found, but it is very tiring.

Sometimes, when I am reading a book late at night, I suddenly look back - Hey, isn't that person in a dimly lit place? He wasn't looking for anyone or anything, so he was already hiding behind people to give people a surprise.

I have reached this point of hiding and catching, and I don’t know who I am catching or who I am hiding from. The situation is born in the heart, but the situation is not destroyed by the book. There is a dream in Huangliang, and the east is bright outside the window. One day in the world, The book has been written for thousands of years, but I feel that heaven and man are one, forgetting both things and myself, falling flowers and flowing water, heaven and earth.

Jia Zheng asked Baoyu in "A Dream of Red Mansions" to read "serious scriptures", which made Baoyu, a natural person, deeply distressed. Fortunately, my father is not Jia Zheng. The books displayed on the bookshelf since I was a child include science, gods, monsters, society, ethics, religion, love, martial arts, detective reasoning, prose, handicrafts, housework, magic, chemistry, astronomy, geography, new poetry, ancient poetry, gardening, art, Han music, jokes, philosophy, nursery rhymes, scripts, essays... really I was astonished and my heart was wandering for thousands of miles.

In my opinion, a good book is a good book, and the form is not a problem. Naturally some people will say this is too complicated. This statement reminds me of a story: two Taoist teachers disagreed in their discussions. Each was surprised by the true Taoism, and slandered each other as false. After a long period of unresolved, they finally asked Confucius to correct him. Confucius came down the steps, bowed and said: "My Tao is so great, why should it be the same? The two gentlemen have genuine Taoism, and Qiu Su admires it. How can it be false?" The two men left overjoyed. The disciple said: "Master, why are you so flattering?" Confucius said: "People of this generation have coaxed him enough, why bother with him?"

Reading all the books of talented people in the world is the greatest reward in life. As far as I am concerned, the definition of talent cannot be limited to pure literature. Of course, I also go to the library. Expensive books and out-of-print books are often already on the shelves and available for everyone to read, but they cannot be borrowed. The library I went to was in the Cultural University. Whenever I stood in front of the unpopular bookshelf and flipped through books, someone who didn't know the same interests quietly came next to me. They looked at each other and smiled, understanding each other tacitly, which was also a light joy in life.

When I go to the museum, I have to look through the information cards first, and slowly walk through the bookshelf that looks like a city wall, but I feel the wind blowing through the mountains, flowers flying all over the sky, and my heart is peaceful, clear and full.

You may not always be able to find the book you want. A "Jade Calendar" from the Renzong period of the Northern Song Dynasty is hidden on a shelf, making it easy to find. I searched and searched again and again, but this one didn't come to me. Instead, I found another one. It was another pleasure to find it among the mulberry trees and elm trees in the east.

The library has a reading room with tables and chairs for people to sit upright. This is how a reader should behave - well-behaved. When reading a book like this, there are rules for posture between people and books. Rules are two words that we cannot live without in our lives. It is not scary. Unfortunately, the fun of reading while leaning on one's side, reading on the ground, lying on the bed, reading under a tree, or reading while eating cannot be achieved in the library. I love music, but I don’t like going to concerts mostly for this reason. The library is actually good enough and we can’t ask for more. Just because my own personality is most afraid of stiffness, seriousness and fluorescent lights, and I prefer reading late at night. If I sit quietly in the library, bring my own small lamp, bring my own tea set, and live a life of reading widely, it will be a good ending. The favors, missions, time and responsibilities that kept beating in my heart did not release me. I live my life for this person and that person. When can I live for my own interests again? when? Do you have to wait until you die? If the answer is yes, I will——

I don’t borrow books from others very much. The book I borrowed was from a guest, so I was afraid that I would not treat him well. It looked like it was just a piece of paper. After flipping through it carefully, I still saw mountains as mountains and water as water, and could not enter the state of enlightenment. I also don’t like people borrowing books from me. Every time I get a good book, I buy ten of them at a time. If anyone asks for a loan, I will give one as a gift, which makes the host and guest happy.

I don’t lend out my books or toothbrushes. I force them to give others toothbrushes.

People say that if you travel thousands of miles and read thousands of books, you only need two points. In fact, I can also read while traveling. I read a book of Agatha Christie in the waiting room, and time flies by.

Back to the library. I know that Mr. Yu Dangdao’s collection of books is in the library of the Chinese Theater Group of the Drama Department of the Cultural University. When I went there for the first time, I found that there was actually a box of Mr. Yu's ashes placed next to the "Dream of Red Mansions" books. I was shocked and stood there in silence for a long time before I opened the box and picked up the book.

That time when I read the Red Mansion published by Zhi Yanzhai again, I found on the home page that the words written by Mr. Shizhi when he presented the book to Mr. Outline were still very clear in ink, and both of them had passed away. When I encounter a book in this mood, the vicissitudes beyond the book arise in my heart. Books donated by Mr. Outline after his death cannot be borrowed. The Drama Department is very strict about it. If it were mine, it would be the same one who abides by the law. The ashes of Mr. Outline are the first to keep the book, good.

When reading a book, sometimes it is not enough to just enter the world inside and play a thousand games.

As the ancients said, I may not necessarily have no opinions at all. If the writing is really wonderful, I can't help but admire it. At this time, my hands are itchy, so I must annotate the book. If you are in a library, naturally you cannot scribble on books. After reading it, and taking a walk to get some fresh air, you will always feel resentful.

If you own a book, you can talk freely to the author. In books, you can circle, click, delete, and write your own opinions on the page. Sometimes I talk about it so obsessively that one book becomes three books, including the author, Jin Shengtan, and my Rusuo. This kind of divine communication that breaks through time and space can only be compared to when people invite souls to talk.

Out-of-print books are not necessarily limited to ancient books. Fang Xin’s collection of poems, "Worship," was owned by Fang Xin when I was in college. dropped. In fact, it doesn't matter if you lose it. Things external to you come and go depending on the cause and condition. I'm very lucky that I didn't lose them. When he returned to China in 1980, he received another book as a gift from Fang Xin. He wrote four words - the book after the disaster.

This time, I photocopied it into another copy. The joy of regaining it is still precious. Sixteen years of this calamity have passed silently.

There is another hand-made book made of colored paper just for me. The book is still there. I heard that the person who gave it to me is also alive, but I don’t know where he is. I also made a colorful blank book by myself, with "My Childhood" written on the cover. My childhood has passed. I will fill up the lost years and months on the paper page by page with my heart. Very safe and happy. He also said that if you don’t lend books to others, most of your books will be scattered when you come back from a few years abroad. I guessed that the people who stole the books were the married siblings in the family. They complained that they were wronged and asked me to search every house. I went and found no old friends who belonged to me, but I came back with a few books that did not belong to me. The lax supervision of these siblings is a great advantage. People are wandering about writing books, criticizing books and monologues, but they also feel inadequate. Poetry itself has musicality. Every time I read "Human Words" and "Poet Master's Boat", I will appreciate it repeatedly and keep it in my heart. I also like to read Tang poetry, Song poetry and new poetry, and recite them with my own voice. The beauty of the words and syllables takes on a new life. Whenever I go home to live, my mother will always get up and visit her daughter’s bedroom and turn off the lights when she returns from her dreams at midnight. This is her kindness, curiosity, and habit. She walked like a cat and suddenly poked her head in, often scaring those who were concentrating on reading into screaming. Whenever she complained, it was always her fault for not coughing first.

A long poem was being recited that night, not loudly; the mother made a surprise attack as usual, and when she heard the voices, she thought that her daughter's whispers in the middle of the night were a secret for life in the back garden. She was so frightened that she turned around and ran away, not daring to enter the house. . This time it was my turn to scare my mother away unintentionally, so happy! In fact, reading is not about eating it alive in a hurry. When reading anything, you have to digest it before replenishing yourself. In the past, when I looked at Mr. Jin Yong, I only looked at what love was and how it meant life and death. Later, Mr. Ni Kuang lectured people and said that martial arts practitioners also need to carefully read their moves. What he said makes sense and should be accepted with an open mind. One day, I saw the main character in the book knocking over his opponent with the move "White Crane Sweeping Wings". I was so happy that I put down the book and began to practice Tai Chi slowly. I evolved to this move and practiced it over and over again with concentration. Reading strengthens my body and entertains me. It is an unexpected benefit. Jin Yong's novel , can do such a wonderful illusion, thank you.

When it comes to the chemical effect of books, you have to look at the situation and the situation. I have memorized the song "Song of Everlasting Sorrow" since I was a child. It was not until I accidentally thought of the last sentence in it three years ago that I suddenly understood it and urged me to write it down. Thousands of tears.

When you read more, your appearance will naturally change. Many times, you may think that many of the books you have read have become a passing smoke and can no longer be remembered. In fact, they are still potential, in your temperament, conversation, and The boundlessness of mind can of course also be revealed in life and writing. We often hear people casually say that Tuo Wu writes fluently in vernacular and that Tian Wen, Tian Xin and Ding Yamin are just talents, but no one calmly thinks about how many books this group of literary workers have read in private. All achievements in the world are not accidental. Of course, apart from studying, the innate sensitivity and intuition are innate and cannot be forced, nor can they be obtained through hard study.

It is helpless for a scholar to look dull on certain occasions. If the people in the room are talking about being promoted and getting rich, how can that person meet his best friend after drinking with him for too long? In fact, most popular novels only talk about wine, sex and wealth, and do not need to be transcendent. But the ordinary is beautiful and the ordinary is extremely profound; the only thing that can be tasted at the dinner is the sticky shark fin.

Read a book, let alone talk about it. No one at the symposium wants to listen to the book, not talk about it.

The symposium cannot talk about the fairy tales and mazes in detail, let alone the beautiful women in "Water Margin". What if we talk about the Guru Ningbo Car (meaning the Guru's Treasure) and the Tibetan Black Continent Buddha Lantern? It was spread so widely that the people who listened probably even threw the book they asked people to sign and beat them to death. Don't say it, don't say it. Silence is golden. Just watch the flowers in silence and smile.

When I read to infinity, I sat and watched the clouds rise, a red sun broke out of the sky, shining brightly. The future was bright, and I was on the other side.

Where is Nirvana? The shepherd boy points to Xinghua Village in the distance.

Still want to read. My siblings regarded me as the flute player in fairy tales and refused to go to any playground, hoping to follow my sister-in-law and listen to stories. We don’t talk about princesses and princes getting married, nor are we young women or miserable children looking for their mothers. Every weekend, in the small study room, we talk about the wanderings of the Jewish nation, the restoration of Israel, the Palestinian guerrillas, and the painter Hitler. There are also Zhang Zuolin, the king of the Northeast, Zhang Zongchang, the dog-meat general, Cixi and Guangxu, Emperor Ming of the Tang Dynasty and Yang Guifei, Miss Zhao Si during the Xi'an Incident, Baoyu Daiyu, Xue Baochai, Shen Sanbai, Yunniang Wu Song, Pan Jinlian...

I'm not afraid of the children. Bury flowers, I'm afraid they don't even know what flowers are.

Of course, I understand that when reading a book, you should not be impatient and savor it carefully. The question is, if you are born with a long life and live for a hundred years, facing China's five thousand years, should you be impatient? What's more, there is an earth and universe outside of China.

One day, there was a lecture on "A Dream of Red Mansions" with many students in class. I was just visiting the garden, but when the get out of class was over, I was already in a dream. During the break, I suddenly said something to the students in the first and second rows: If Sanmao dies—of course he will die—please burn a copy of "A Dream of Red Mansions" and don't make the mistake of burning paper money.

When it comes to what happened after his death, what he explained was his reluctance. He is really not a sensible person.

After Baoyu lost the jade, he became confused. The monk sent the jade back and left, but a few days later he came back to make noise. Baoyu heard that the monk was quarreling outside, so he wanted to return the jade to the monk and said, "I already have a heart, what do I need this jade for?" When I first woke up from the dream, the man returned to the wilderness——

The word jade was written as desire in the previous line. If you are wrong, you should not go to the dictionary and look at what Mr. Hu Juren said in the book. It is more interesting to talk about this word in "A Dream of Red Mansions". Why do I still guard this square of jade so tightly? Why does the book call it jade? How is the word jade written? Is it jade or desire? It's better to call it brick. Red brick is also a good-looking building material.

Books are actually dangerous things. Most of the idiots in the world have something to do with reading. In our family's family tree, there is an ancestor who, because he loved reading all his life and was not good at management, ruined the good family fortune. He died many years ago, and the family tree still blames him. With such a heavy brick pressed into my head, can I still be flexible as a human being? It should be flexible. Bricks can crush people to death or build skyscrapers. It depends on how people use them. It’s Chinese New Year, and I wanted to send some books to my friends as a token of my longing for them. Father said you must not be so kind. It would be strange for mahjong players not to hate you to death when they receive a book in the New Year. The color and beauty of this world also lie in the fact that everyone’s views and ambitions on value are very different. Some people love books, while others are afraid of losing. Life becomes a battleground between winning and losing. Competition doesn't suit my constitution. The colorful noise is neurasthenic and can cause stomach ulcers. The book does not compete with others, it is peaceful and quiet, although there is also real life in the book that fights to the death. But it’s not about arguing with readers.

I also have such a friend, the only one in the world who I don’t see often. Even if we don't see each other once a year, we meet by chance, exchange a few words of greeting, immediately make tea, and talk about the reading experience after we say goodbye to each other in the rainy night in Bashan.

Talking about burnt lips and tongue, skipping meals and forgetting to drink, exhausted, not even a word of private life, time is precious, only words are left to the fantasy world of books, breaking up and not daring to meet again, this kind of burning. Once a year is an overdraft of the limit of life. After they broke up, they each studied behind closed doors. Every time they met, they happened to find a strange book and expressed their love to each other through a limited-time letter. Now that God has made friends with you, you will have no regrets in life, which is called being proud of the world.

As of this writing, it is already six o'clock in the morning, and at ten o'clock there are still mundane things to worry about. Seeing dozens of new books waiting to be read on the desk, I wish I could just write them down without writing a single word. I hope that I will fall into a dream - I don't know that I am a guest in the dream, and I will be greedy for a while!

Of course, there will be readers of a certain level who will read this article and say: Sanmao, your article "Clouds in the Green Mountains and the Moon in the Sky" made a huge splash in the past. , flickering eastward and westward, what a mess. Why are you here again now?

Baoyu's last sentence in "A Dream of Red Mansions" is: "Okay, okay, no more nonsense, it's over -" and laughed away. Many people won't laugh at me, and won't let me go, so they have to show their temperament to others. Understanding is not enough, so the following two words are more important. I still have to go. Shuxiang Road is a safe place to visit frequently. Otherwise it's unbearable.

Every letter from readers asks for stories - the journey to the Amazon rainforest in South America is always hidden and unwilling to be written. I don't want you to read "Dream of Red Mansions", and then a monk will appear, and then another. You're leaving, what are you talking about?

I want to say that when people reach this point, they already know whether they are sad or happy, but their "ability to be free" is getting stronger day by day. Occasionally indulge yourself, quietly indulge in reading, and go with the flow wherever you feel like it. This interest will not harm society. Even if you set an old resolution in the new year. No one will come to give you a grade of A, B, C or D, and no one will use the reason of concern to advise you that the most important thing is to be kind, cautious about your future and your reputation. This is really great.

I hope that the year 19838485 and the years to come will be smooth and prosperous, the country will be safe, the world will be peaceful, publishing will be prosperous, and everyone will live in a lifestyle and position that suits them. To give birth to the most splendid and abundant life, this is the joy of the century.