It's urgent It's urgent Do me a favor, add humor to the script, and answer specifically! !

Lazy people wash less, but they don't know how to clean themselves. Walking with the village one night, I couldn't get rid of the ghost in the graveyard, so I waved something. When the ghost saw it, he quickly withdrew. When the village asked what musical instrument it was, the lazy man replied, "smelly socks."

be late

2. A person lives alone in a tall building and will arrive in the middle of the night. Tell him that tomorrow night will be very fascinating, please bring your own things. The next day, after a long time, the cow's head and horse's face arrived, and people accused: Why are you here? Cow's head and horse's face gasped, the elevator stopped and climbed upstairs.

3. Scared me to death

A tourist went into an old house in the mountains to shelter from the rain. Ghosts were doing harm, which coincided with the strong wind destroying the old house, and both people and ghosts fled. The man asked his chest, which scared me to death! The ghost also asked about his chest, which scared me to death! Monster: What did you die for? Ghosts are ashamed to go.

4.

Die an ugly death

When a person meets a ghost at night, he is shocked, picks his tongue with his hand, looks beyond, and his face is extremely distorted and dies. The ghost looked up and vomited.

5. Ask the spirits anxiously

Several people asked the gods to let them ask them to ask them to ask them to ask them to ask them to ask them to ask them to ask them to ask them to ask for help. Ask him why he was late. A: I just went to the toilet.

6. irrelevant

Corrupt officials died suddenly and went to the underworld to write off their accounts. When the ghost judge saw someone following him, he asked, "Who didn't make good use of Yang Shou to come here?" ? A: The unit accountant came together because the officials had emptied their accounts and had nothing to do.

Step 7 consider

The ghost successfully crossed the Naihe Bridge, and Meng Po was the only one who weighed. A group of ghosts are suspicious: do ghosts have weight? Meng Po answered: This man has a big face and an empty heart, and he has never been aware of the importance. Now, I want him to know how good he is.

8. overslept

A man was very ill and the hospital gave him first aid. After several tossing and turning, everyone was so tired at night that everyone fell asleep. The doctor who got up early shouted, Mom, I overslept and forgot to give him first aid. The nurse woke up: Mom, I overslept and forgot to give him an intravenous drip. Family members also woke up: Mom, how can you still be alive if you don't change the intravenous drip and give first aid all night? I only heard a negative voice: Mom, I overslept and forgot to be heady!

9. Do as the Romans do

A literati ghost felt on Naihe Bridge that his wife was still alive: Naihe Bridge is boundless, when will the beauty come again? Not for 30 years. I watch the bridge, you watch the house. The ghost slave was impatient and pushed him away. He replied, there are no old ghosts on Naihe Bridge, so don't come here to pretend to be old onions.

10. Know your father like a child.

An old man died, and the dutiful son invited a group of monks to cross over, but he had a special order to ask the old man's soul to go to the East. The monk wondered: going to the west is a paradise. The dutiful son replied: My father had better twist his arms and thighs in this life. People say that he leans towards the west. Just read it to the East, and he will go to the West as soon as possible.

1 1. Far away

Yan ordered a census and found that there were many birthday girls in the mountains. He asked the ghost why the sentence was unfair, and the ghost judge faltered: it's too far, and it's very tiring to go once. ...

12. Different division of labor

Horse face suddenly arrived, trying to hook Lao Zhang's soul. Lao Zhang was so scared that he paid a lot of money for cigarettes and tea. He wished he couldn't give anything for his birthday, and Ma Mian left with a bag full. Not long after, another horse face was heady again. Lao Zhang said very grievance, didn't you let me celebrate my birthday? Xinma sneered: silly, you have been fooled, it doesn't care about this area. ...

14. I forgot half.

One person died, but Heqiao drank Meng Po Tang, and suddenly kissed Meng Po nearly half an hour later. The old woman was ashamed and angry: why tease the old woman? Victim: I wanted to kiss someone before I died, but I forgot who I kissed when I was eating soup just now. Only you.

15. Respect art

The singer made many curtain calls before the audience dispersed with satisfaction. The only person who doesn't leave calls himself heady. Why wait? A: You must finish singing.

17. ism

A professor gave a lecture: It is romanticism to turn a dead person into a butterfly. Being asked to leave by a horse face is classicism. Being cremated is realism. Being frozen and resurrected is surrealism. Besides, you can't imagine me dead, can you? This is ridiculous. ...

18. Accurate calculation

Mr. Guagua (seeing the sign): You will make a small fortune today. ...

Soothsayer: Yes, I feel it, too. ...

After the fortune teller left, onlookers pointed out Mr. Guagua: That was a thief just now, and your wallet is …

Squeeze

After the painter died, his agent always sold new paintings.

One day after drinking, I finally told the truth: "Shh … he is still painting in the studio. I didn't tell him that he was dead. "

20. the price is cheap

When Yise Weng died, his son burned two papery wives and buried them together. He bought a poor paper cheaply.

After a while, Weng had a dream: "stingy, that young lady has skin disease ..."

2 1. Masquerade ball

At the end of the masquerade, the guests took off their disguises as required.

A "mummy" asked someone next to him to help him untie the shroud ... in the end, everyone only saw a pile of shroud.

22. Stupid ghost

Someone is stupid. He is often hit on the road. He says, "Watch your step, blind man!" " "There is news.

In the end, he died in a car accident, his soul wandering was no longer blocked, and he was comforted by a fat ghost and knocked to the ground.

"Watch your step, blind man!" The fat ghost roared.

23. Look at the document.

Yan is reading the report on the death of a new ghost, and he talks about it while watching it:

It's lucky to be killed.

………………

Well, the guillotine is very enjoyable.

…………

It is still happy to die of old age in bed.

………………

Killed by a car, did he go to hell on crutches?

………………

............. this, this, was cut by 178 and groaned for three hours before he died ... God, this unlucky guy met action art!

24. Limited conditions

A friend is watching "Midnight Bell" on the computer. An outsider asked: the computer effect is poor, why not use VCD?

A: You don't know, the computer screen is small, and Zhenzi can't climb out. ...

25. Excellent location

The son of the deceased cried and said, "Bull's head and horse's face, burn more money, please take my father's soul to Shanghai."

Cow's head and horse's face are strange: "How far, why is it the ghost of working father?" "

The son said, "Shanghai has a good location. When my father goes, he can get a sky-high room. "

26.4 GREAT GHOST imps and old ghosts

GREAT GHOST: Tonight we are going to scare people, whoosh, quack, click.

Child: Why do you have a problem with people?

Old ghost: Leave him alone. This guy died of a split personality.

GREAT GHOST: The threat plan didn't work tonight.

Child: It's all you. You don't choose a place to scare people. Why go to the blind massage parlor? ...

Old ghost: Kid, where's the paper money your family burned the other day?

Kidd: GREAT GHOST and I have invested together.

Old ghost: Did you make any money?

kid:…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………”

Child: I won the lottery and can go to heaven for five days!

GREAT GHOST: Fool, angels will tell you that heaven is being decorated.

The student's composition reads: "My mother is a middle-aged woman in her thirties." The teacher criticized under the word "middle age": "redundant." Then let the students copy it again. After the students copied it once, this sentence became: "My mother is an extra middle-aged woman in her thirties."

The classic joke of Hemingway, a foreigner, learning Chinese and speaking Chinese.

Snacks ye food stall

In the evening 1 1: 30, I will be online. Hemingway suddenly called and asked me to have dinner. Afraid I won't go, drive to pick me up. Come on! I can't hide! Let's go

"You don't come to pick up, I drive myself. Where to go? "

"How about the supper stand?"

"ha! Are you tired of eating in the restaurant? "

"Hey hey!"

I have an appointment to meet at the beach snack stand in Hong Kong. Hemingway is the representative of large American multinational companies in China, and he treats people well. I worked in China for a year and studied Chinese with me for a year. He has a good sense of language and has a special ability in learning languages. He has been to many countries and learned many "foreign languages". Although he is not proficient in everything, he can at least use it. He thinks Chinese is the most difficult language to learn in the world. While learning Chinese, he also played many classic jokes. Although I stumbled, I learned very well.

We arrived almost at the same time, and I chose a cleaner and better food stall.

Who knows that just entering the door, Hemingway shouted in fluent Chinese:

"Boss! Is the urine fried rice delicious? "

You scared me! I quickly stopped him:

"What? ..... What do you mean? " (what? What do you mean? )

After waiting for a while, the shopkeeper looked at Hemingway intently. All the guests looked this way. Others said:

"A foreigner has come to make trouble!" "Hit him!"

Looking at everyone's puzzled eyes, Hemingway ran to the door in three steps and two steps, carried in a big brand and put it in the hall. Write:

Urine.

fried rice

Everyone froze for five seconds, then burst into laughter.

Chinese teaching materials

Hemingway's self-selected textbook for learning Chinese is a Chinese textbook published by BBC. The advertising words on the title page of the book are extremely inflammatory, claiming that it is especially suitable for tourists and businessmen to learn Chinese quickly, and people without Chinese foundation can "speak at first sight".

I can't find a Chinese character in the whole book. It's all in English and Chinese Pinyin, and it's an illiterate Chinese textbook. It is said that this book is specially prepared for those who give up learning Chinese characters as difficult as gobbledygook and only intend to learn some spoken Chinese. Because I don't read Chinese characters at all, I just read and spell.

Hemingway proudly showed off his knowledge of Chinese as soon as he met the translator: "You cry (good) Miss Liu, and I hate the singer (very happy) for throwing you to death (knowing you)."

Hemingway cherishes the opportunity to talk with China people, and jokes emerge one after another. For example, he told his secretary, "My wife (suit) is in her wallet." In order to discuss the agreement, we arranged to meet in my office at eight o'clock. "I was worried that the road was too busy this morning and I became a monk at seven o'clock." His good friend returned to China, so Hemingway often said, "A burning man (a good man) flew away (went back)." Every time he went to the stairs, Hemingway would bow slightly and act like a typical gentleman, saying, "Please be careful to be naked (stairs), dirty, dirty together (downstairs).

Wangwen business

Hemingway: "You China people are really hardworking people."

Secretary: "What?"

Hemingway: "Whenever I pass the street in the morning, I can often see a sign on the roadside saying' Morning' to remind people who pass by to work not to be late."

out-of-control

Hemingway took part in the "Mandarin Speech Contest", and his opening remarks were as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have to apologize to you first. I can't speak Mandarin well. I have the same relationship with your language as I do with my wife. I love it very much, but I can't control it. "

Braised donkey

When Hemingway first set foot in a restaurant in China, he called steamed stuffed bun "newspaper". The waitress really patiently explained, "Newspapers are sold across the street, and daily newspapers and evening papers are readily available."

I want to eat jiaozi, but it's a pity that the "sedan chair" comes out of my mouth, and the waitress falls into the clouds.

To the waitress's bewilderment and even anger, he ordered "braised pork" and claimed that it was his favorite dish in China. Seeing the waitress look unhappy or even angry, Hemingway quickly showed her the menu. The waitress realized that he wanted to eat "braised ribs".

Very good, even better.

Shortly after Hemingway came to China, he could only speak two Chinese words: "very good" and "better".

One day, a clerk said, "I want to take two weeks off."

Hemingway said, "Very good."

The servant said, "Because my father is dead."

Hemingway said, "Better."

It's nothing.

Hemingway held a staff meeting: "People in China call things' things', such as desks and chairs, televisions and so on. But living animals are not called things, such as insects, birds, beasts, people, etc. , so you and they are not things, and I am naturally not things! "

simple meal

At a banquet held for Hemingway, the Chinese representative politely told him that when a light meal was prepared for him tonight, the foreign man looked at the table full of delicacies and said in surprise, "If this is a light meal, it is really a shit meal."

I lost my appetite all night.

Chinese is great.

Hemingway said to the translator, "Your China is wonderful, especially in writing. For example:

"China defeated the United States" means that China won;

China defeated the United States, which means that China won.

In a word, victory will always belong to you. "

Beautiful everywhere.

Hemingway didn't know the China people's "where! Where! " This is a self-deprecating word. Once when he attended a wedding, he politely praised the bride as beautiful, and the groom on the side said on behalf of the bride, "Where! Where! " Unexpectedly, this foreign man was shocked! Unexpectedly, general praise is not enough for China people, and examples are needed, so I used blunt Chinese: "Hair, eyebrows, eyes, ears, nose and mouth are all beautiful!" As a result, the audience burst into laughter

Mathematical Chinese

Hemingway came to China and named himself Zhang, a China. For a foreigner, it is really not easy to write a complicated word "Zhang"-and it is cursive.

Surprised, I couldn't help asking him. He said, "Nothing. I just wrote the number three and thirteen quarters in one stroke. "

Dizzy!

The new meaning of the word "kiss"

Hemingway studied Chinese. While studying the word "kiss", Hemingway asked a question: "Kiss means" don't "and" mouth ". How to kiss without moving your mouth? "

Someone thought for a moment and smiled and replied, "China people are more reserved, and' not talking' means' not talking'.

Can you talk when you kiss? "

Wei what

Hemingway's wife came to China and took a China name Wei. One day, the couple met a friend for a walk. After a while, they exchanged greetings.

Friend: "What's your wife's name?"

Hemingway: "The surname is Wei."

Friend: "Wei what?"

Hemingway: "Why? Why is the surname Wei? "

English-Chinese dictionary

For a time, Hemingway held a thick English-Chinese dictionary all day, took Chinese words from the dictionary, and then learned and used them.

I met him on the tree-lined road in the industrial park at dusk, and I went forward to say hello: "Hello! Hemingway, take a walk. "

He smiled and said, "Yes, I am wandering here."

I held back my laughter and asked with interest, "Do you know the meaning of wandering?"

He replied solemnly, "Of course, wandering is walking back and forth in one place."

Hemingway likes to introduce himself to everyone: "I am a rustic person." Every time I make everyone laugh their heads off. Hemingway himself was surprised because he saw in the dictionary that "countryman" translated into Chinese means "rustic person". He just wanted to tell China people that they are farmers themselves, and he didn't understand why it would lead to such a comedy effect.

Hemingway's habit of mechanically copying dictionary terms once really embarrassed him. I don't know which dictionary he found out that the English translation of the word "nonsense" has double meanings, one is useless nonsense, and the other is polite, so Hemingway boldly used his new term. A representative of China participated in the negotiation project. After the negotiation, he praised Hemingway's high level of Chinese. Hemingway quickly learned the modesty of China people and replied, "You flatter me too much. It's all nonsense. " The representative of China walked away pale at once.

Chinese zodiac

The folk Chinese zodiac in China is also a topic of great interest to westerners. Everyone wants to know what animal he belongs to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belonging to" Hemingway are often confused.

One day he excitedly said to the secretary girl, "You are a pig."

For Hemingway, it is too difficult to describe the sex of animals with Chinese word "female" or "male", because in English, both male and female can be used to describe people or animals.

One night, Hemingway took her dog for a walk in the street. After seeing me, he proudly introduced to me, "This is my bitch."

helmet

Besides driving, Hemingway usually likes riding a motorcycle, which is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He replied: Never mind, I will wear a condom. He means "helmet".

Metric words

Quantifiers in Chinese also make Hemingway nervous. Once he flaunted himself as a "hero" and asked him what he meant. He said, "A hero is a thin, tall and good-looking person." He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "hero" should naturally be a good-looking man.

Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the road. I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he seriously refuted that it was really a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by a car, and the squashed puppy naturally became a puppy, just like a piece of paper and a photo.

In addition, for example, what "a pair of pants", Hemingway plausibly defended, because pants have two legs, and the two are a pair, so that's right. Even arguing with China people, insisting that it should be "a set of ass", which sounds funny.

All kinds of "juice"

Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Rack one's brains".

The result is:

Rack one's brains, milk, juice and soup.

Ha! "You really racked your brains and didn't come up with' racking your brains'."

difficult position