Afraid that divorce will do harm to children, dare not divorce?

What psychological stages will children go through after their parents divorce? Let me start with a question that many people will ask me:

Teacher, in fact, it seems that I can barely accompany my children, at least let them grow up in a seemingly complete family. But children nowadays are too smart. If they struggle for survival between their parents for a long time, it will have a greater impact on their mental health.

Many parents think that divorced children must not have the mental health of children with complete families.

If we look at children in this way, children may have psychological problems in order to adapt to this effect. This is the so-called "self-fulfilling prophecy", so parents must pay attention to correcting their mentality.

The best way to raise children is always respect and love, not necessarily a few people.

However, there is no doubt that divorce is indeed a crisis, which will really hurt children's body and mind. But as long as it is handled properly, it can help them accept the facts, establish correct expectations, encourage them to grow up well, and the crisis of divorce can also be saved.

0 1, the tangled child may not know what divorce means and what kind of practical impact it has on his life. Some children have formed the concept of divorce. If no one explains it to him, they may imagine the worst and most terrible situation by themselves and deepen their inner fear and tension.

Life becomes unpredictable in children's eyes. For example, when he suddenly comes home, he finds that his father has packed his suitcase and is ready to leave, or suddenly needs to move out of home, live in a hotel or rental house, or even change schools, then he will lose his familiar and adapted environment and friends.

Children don't like change. Their hearts will be filled with different feelings, such as sadness, anger, worry, confusion, anxiety, confusion and so on. They have no way to understand and cope with the current situation.

In order to understand this change, children will begin to be responsible for their parents' divorce. Children may have different interpretations of their responsibilities, and some think that they have really done something wrong and let their parents divorce.

Some people feel the responsibility to make their parents feel better; Some people think they have done something bad, so they can't often see the one who has no custody.

At this time, children will also have doubts about the definition of "home". He doesn't know how to continue to interact with both parents. Some children will question whether they can have both father and mother. If they have a good relationship with their father, will their mother be sad and so on. Moreover, children may think, where is home, what it means that everyone no longer lives together and no longer participates in group activities.

03. During the fantasy period, children will want their parents to get back together. Because of the unhappiness caused by divorce, children may always have the illusion of reunion, hoping for a miracle and reconciliation between parents.

At this stage, children will also do some behaviors to try their best to promote parents' reconciliation. Children will feel that they are the only children in the world whose parents are divorced. In the process of parents' divorce, children often feel lonely, have no friends, feel inferior, and are afraid of being excluded by others because they are different, so they prefer to be alone, and in the long run, it is easy to form a withdrawn character. With the passage of time and the efforts of both parents to help their children adapt, the children will enter the adaptation period. At this stage, children will understand the meaning of divorce and accept it. Children don't like these changes, but they can adapt.

Slowly guide children to express their feelings. At this time, he can at least share his feelings with one of his parents. He needs to understand that divorce is an adult's problem and he is not responsible for his parents' problems. Let him know the boundaries between what he can control and what he can't.

How to reduce the harm of divorce to children?

0 1, parents need to adjust their status first. Many divorcees play the role of super parents in order to make up for the harm their children have suffered. In fact, it doesn't help their children.

The best way for children is to adjust yourself as soon as possible in order to become a force to support children.

In the process of parents' adjustment, many children will be very strong and silently support, and they will not start their own psychological adjustment process until they think their parents are strong enough.

When children feel that there is something wrong with their parents' marriage, they often act very sensible, but sometimes their parents don't notice.

Children will behave better than usual and often help to do things they have never done before. They will hide their anger and pain and temporarily stop their psychological adjustment, because children don't want their parents to worry. When parents start to relax and think that they have adjusted well and become stronger, they should pay special attention.

Usually at this time, children realize that they don't have to be afraid anymore, and they will express their sadness and anger. But most parents know nothing about their children's psychology. I think my life may be wrong. Before, a mother told me that everything was wrong, and now the child has gone bad. I really don't know what to do. "

I told her, "This is the growth of children. What he really wants to express is that my mother is well adjusted and strong. Now I need to cry, get angry and express my hurt feelings. I think my mother can finally accompany me through my trauma.

Don't let your child take the message for you or 02, don't enter the tug-of-war between husband and wife, or act as the monitor of the other party. After divorce, children should be prevented from becoming spies or megaphones of the other side, and children should not be allowed to become tools of struggle between parents and sacrifices of hatred. When children ask about their parents' feelings, remember to tell them as neutrally and objectively as possible, and tell them what happened. Don't let a child distinguish between parents who are good and who are bad. A child is the product of two people, and his parents are a part of him. If one of his parents says that either of them is bad, the child will feel very sad.

03. Parents need to have certain discipline rules. There is no doubt that in the process of parents' divorce, children will be negatively affected.

But it is natural that children, as the crystallization of your feelings and as a member of the family, are affected.

Don't use lies to describe the illusion of a perfect family just because you feel indebted to your child and didn't give him a "perfect" childhood, let alone take excessive care and obedience to your child after divorce because you feel indebted to your child. The best way to make children transition is not to immerse themselves in pain and ignore it, nor to care too much, but to bring up children in the original way and let them follow the original family rules.

Parents should remember to give their children some promises of love in words and actions, so that children can understand that no matter what happens between parents, they will still love them as always, and they will never abandon him, so that children can know where he will live with himself, what kind of life he will lead, what will change and what will not change.

If a child makes a mistake at home or school, let him know that you can understand that he may be in a bad mood because of his parents' divorce, but the rules can't be changed, and the wrong behavior is still wrong and needs a certain degree of punishment.

Spoiling children is the most common mistake made by divorced parents. Not strict discipline and too much material or spiritual compensation will not make children recover their emotions faster. Children will feel that their parents must be so guilty because they did something wrong, so they need to compensate me like this. Then I can blame my parents for the unhappiness in my life. Such arrogance will cultivate irresponsible children, and it will also make the divorce incident have a long-term impact on children.

Children learn self-control from an early age and will feel safe when they grow up.

After divorce, both parents still need to communicate the discipline rules and pay attention to the coordination of discipline.

For example, it will be more difficult to manage when children perceive that their parents' discipline standards are different. "Dad not only doesn't force me to do my homework. For example, the child told his mother that he also bought many toys for me to play with. You always scold me and never buy anything for me. In the future, I will go to my father and stop looking for you. This situation needs to be avoided, otherwise the conflict between husband and wife will continue to affect the children after divorce.

There is no denying that the breakdown of your relationship with your partner really makes your children grow up in a single-parent family. Maybe you will feel guilty about it, which may also affect your decision on marriage. But remember, you will always be the most important person in your life. Among many roles in life, the most important thing is to be loyal to yourself and be yourself. Because only by being yourself, when you are happy and full, can you be a good mother and a good partner, so as to achieve a better realm of life.