I have been depressed for many years. I don't know how to get out. Feeling worse and worse?

I passed by occasionally and read your story. I think I can understand your true feelings, because I was in a similar situation when I was young. Perhaps, the only difference is that my situation seemed worse at that time, because my biological mother had to leave my home when I was 9 years old (nominal age 10 years old) because of mental illness. I clearly remember the day when my mother was ill. Suddenly, she couldn't talk to me as kindly as before. I held her in my arms, crying and screaming, but she was still awake and could only mumble. Oh, my God, it's going to collapse! !

Grandma adopted me, an old man close to 70 years old, and worked hard in the fields. Grandchildren live with grandchildren. Then I went to my home (institution) in the city. I thought things would get better, because what we read in the textbook is such a happy home. I don't have to tell you the details later, do I?

Over the years, since my mother became ill, I have suffered an unusual experience. Someone kindly reminded me to be filial to my mother (although I didn't know filial piety at that time, I was only 9 years old). Some people say that my mother is mentally ill. Some people say that I abandoned my mother, which is unfilial to my son. Some people actually condemn my mother ... grandma is a very strict person. I dare not cry in front of her, but secretly cry behind her back or at night. Sometimes, when I dream that my mother is fine, I jump for joy, but when I wake up, I find it is a dream. At that time, I was depressed, hesitant and helpless ... Many times, I tried to hit a wall or commit suicide.

In this way, day by day. Suddenly one day, I thought, even if I die, I will die well. It is better to study hard and find a way out than to commit suicide. Even if you are exhausted from studying, there is still hope to die, which is better than this helpless death. I have been studying hard ever since. After arriving in the city, because Mandarin is not standard, the learning foundation in rural areas is still relatively poor, and I repeated it for one year in the third grade. However, at any time, I know very well that I would rather study to death than study. I am naughty sometimes, even naughty.

After graduating from high school, I was admitted to an ideal university and an ideal major. University study is full of ups and downs and happiness, because I feel inferior, because I am free. You know that.

After graduating from college, I went to a second-class enterprise with great expectation. But then I found that I couldn't see hope, so I quit silently, and didn't even say goodbye to the leaders who cared about me (I worked hard, and some leaders would praise me in public). I am so naughty because I feel inferior and arrogant.

I returned to the city where the university is located, accumulating bit by bit, experiencing bit by bit, reflecting bit by bit, and working hard bit by bit. I found my dream girl, virtuous, gentle, beautiful and capable. We worked hard together and bought a house. We worked hard together and gained a foothold in this city.

We work together in memory of our parents. We work together to help our brothers and sisters.

Slowly, I began to know how to love myself and others. Understand yourself and others. I gradually realized my father's difficulty: he is the eldest grandson of a landlord family. Since childhood, others have taken care of him. Later, he experienced a discontinuous transformation and became an exile, leaving no family to take care of him. So dad's growth is also full of groping and bumps. Stepmother has never been to school since she was a child, and she has to take care of her younger brothers and sisters and even take them begging together. My later life depends on my own efforts, including funding me. Therefore, I grow up day by day and know their difficulties day by day. I stopped complaining about them, and I learned to love them and understand them. Understand those who have been bad to me. They probably didn't mean it. Even if they ignored me, looked down on me or even criticized me, it was because their experiences made them unable to understand me for a while.

I can communicate with my stepmother meekly now. She can also appreciate our kindness and concern. My father died when I graduated from college, and my biological mother died 12 years ago. We still have some regrets, but we have tried our best.

In the most difficult days, I felt abnormal (many, many years), doubted whether I could stand firm in this society, doubted whether any girls would take a fancy to me, and doubted whether I (they) could buy a house. Inferiority, nervousness, jealousy, arrogance. However, I have been looking for a way out, mentally and physically. School education has really given me knowledge and skills, but I still lack a few bricks to guide myself. I climbed mountains and mountains, my iron shoes were all over, and finally I found the branches full of flowers and vitality.

I like Guanyin Bodhisattva since I was a child. During the Spring Festival of Senior Three, I earnestly prayed to the Bodhisattva to bless me to enter the university. Get what you want. In middle school, I longed for a "farewell to the sea", which was almost impossible. It cost tens of dollars, but everyone in my dad's unit gave one as labor insurance. Get what you want. I long for very good friends, and I am willing to be really good to them. Get what you want. I long for my ideal wife. Get what you want. I am eager for my dream job and get it. I long for my ideal house and get it. I longed for my ideal freedom and got it. In the process, I also threw the little secret and bad hobby of the boy I contracted into the wild (you know).

I sincerely pray for the Bodhisattva, and I do my best.

I've heard your story. Let me tell you mine. That's it.

Bless you, my friend!