Why are some people afraid to disturb others? What kind of mental state is this?

Why are some people afraid to disturb others? What kind of mental state is this? In fact, fear of disturbing others is a manifestation of inner desire for attachment. Avoidant people should not become isolated islands, but really accept others and enter relationships. Everything is not as bad as they feared. Trying to rely on someone is a wonderful experience and the first step of change. The following is a complete collection of reasons I collected for you. Let's have a look!

Fear of disturbing others is a manifestation of inner desire for attachment.

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Once there was a friend, but now he is not a friend, because he gradually alienated himself in years of communication.

Now that I think about it, our communication is like some kind of "agreement":

I paid 300 yuan for his child's full moon, and then he bought me a set of books, 308.

I sent him home at a party. After getting off the bus, he gave me 20 yuan from the window, saying it was the fare.

Another time he was hospitalized, we bought fruit to see him, and he invited us to eat hot pot the next day to thank him.

This has happened many times, and gradually, I dare not associate with him. I haven't contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me.

A few years ago, there was a literary and warm-hearted movie. Sister Tao was angry for a whole year.

Sister Tao has served the Li family for 60 years. After her illness, she refused to disturb the Li family, refused the help of others, refused the gift of the Li family, and stubbornly lived in a nursing home. She would rather live alone than waste the time of Roger, the master of the Li family.

Sister Tao has worked in the Li family for five generations. Her warmth and loyalty can be seen, which really touched the audience, but the move of "insisting on not causing trouble" triggered a heated discussion.

In the end, although Roger, the master of the Li family, is in love with his mother and son, he doesn't bother others. His strong, independent and stubborn character is still deeply imprinted in my heart, which still lingers.

There was a debate in "Seven Pa Shuo": "Is it a virtue not to disturb others?"

Alec Su first proposed to clarify the concepts: what is "others" and what is "trouble".

Roughly defined, "others" is to distinguish "intimacy".

Intimacy usually refers to family and very good friends. To my friend and Tao Jie, Roger and I are not close, but they are nobody else.

After all, I have been dating my friends for more than ten years, and Roger was raised by Tao Jie since he was a child. We are between "others" and "intimacy".

The definition of "trouble" is broad. I think at least subjectively, lifting a finger is not "trouble". For example, I saw my friend off and Tao Jie got help.

Today, people who are afraid of bothering others are such people. Even if he takes the initiative to do a small thing for them, he will soon be rejected or "return the favor." Others are under pressure to be nice to him.

They basically don't ask for help, and others had better not ask for him. They live in the crowd, but they seem to be independent of the crowd.

I seldom show my feelings. Anyone with close feelings will always avoid doing things with you, even if they do things, there will be a clear division of labor. AA system is their attitude towards feelings.

Just like the "38th parallel" on the desk, no one can cross the line, otherwise there will be minor punishment.

Or not so extreme, but in the overall life relationship, he will never have too much emotional color, withdrawn, unwilling to get close to others, and unwilling to get close to others. They don't need the care and help of others.

This is actually a less obvious "avoidant personality".

02

What they avoid is attachment. They are anti-dependent, and it is a "very troublesome thing" for them to rely on others or be dependent on others.

When dealing with them, you will agree with their "agreement" invisibly. The center of the agreement is that I do what I have to do and you do what you have to do. Our relationship is a responsibility and an obligation. Don't talk to me about feelings.

This is the feeling that my "friend" gives me. When he gave me the fare, I felt that I was nothing in his eyes, not as good as a taxi driver.

If you don't owe, there will be no attachment. Without attachment, both lovers and friends can feel at ease.

Avoidant people think that as long as there is attachment, it is easy to rely on and there will be harm.

Not disturbing others means "I'm afraid of relying on you", which means I'm very fragile and powerless. They can't bear the exposure of such fragile feelings and feel ashamed.

Such people often experience this way of raising in their early years:

One is hopeless parenting.

When the father is away, the mother is too weak to rely on her children, or maybe the mother herself is depressed, sighing all day, moping, listless, or sick in bed all the year round.

When the child has any needs, the mother can't see it, and even if she does, there is nothing she can do. It's not that she doesn't want to help, but that she can't help it.

Since then, my children have gradually formed the feeling that my needs are not satisfied by anyone.

It is not only embarrassing, but also embarrassing to become independent, hide your emotional needs and be afraid of being left hanging there.

There is also a kind of parents who are proud.

Don't allow yourself to be weak and think that others are unreliable. Children get angry when they are weak. Always teach children to be strong and independent, and society can only rely on itself. This will also make children feel that their weakness is shameful.

When I grow up, I will become a person who doesn't want to trouble others, so that I won't expose my vulnerability, and I won't feel ashamed if no one responds after exposure.

That's my friend. His parents are ill all the year round and complain to each other. When I was a child, the common scene was that my parents quarreled feebly, leaving him alone and no one was cooking. Most of the time, he cooks his own noodles, eats them himself and leaves them to his parents.

He hates being disturbed, he hates disturbing others, and he is even more unwilling to support anyone. In his view, other people's funding has a purpose, that is, they want to satisfy others.

What is even more frightening is that the way parents raise their children is to make them feel indebted all the time.

Anyway, let the child know that it is for him. When a child is born and grows up, it is an "investment" in itself, which is to be realized.

Children always feel that what they owe their parents is to be repaid twice, and they can never even appreciate the kindness of their parents.

All parents' efforts are sacrifices, and all love is hard work, all for themselves. This will make children feel that they exist to pay their debts.

Just as Nezha "returned the bones to his father and the meat to his mother", he returned all the meat to Li Jing and his wife, and thanked his parents for their kindness. Since then, they have never owed each other.

Therefore, avoidant people are most afraid of being helped and cared for by others. They subconsciously think that these are all means, and the ultimate goal is to double their repayment.

In this case, it is better to refuse, so as to save yourself trouble in the future.

So, to be afraid of being disturbed is to be afraid of being attached, and then ask for it in the name of love and care like a vampire's parents. Like a nightmare, it will overwhelm you and make you extremely scared.

In fact, what they are afraid of is not what others have done for them, but some familiar feeling, which is strongly invasive.

Rejection, independence, cold, and clear boundaries have become powerful weapons to protect themselves.

But deep down, they long for warmth, intimacy and love.

They just need more time and people who understand themselves.

They all know that fear of trouble, returning favor and indifference will affect the quality of the relationship, so they are often lonely, like an island, far from the crowd and surrounded by the sea.

Carnegie said in "The Weakness of Human Nature": "If you want a lasting friendship, then you have to let others do some small things for you, which will make others feel a sense of existence and importance."

I quite agree with this sentence. When my friend gave me 20 yuan, I was embarrassed and felt that I was not important at all, even a little pitiful.

Those who dare not trouble others need sympathy, and so do themselves. Accepting others' help is generosity, and allowing others to love themselves is compassion. On the other hand, it is really difficult for them to meet people like Shi Dongpo.

"Everything is OK" has been broadcast so far, and Su Ming Jade's cold heart has finally been warmed by Shidong. Mingyu has an obsession: I exist to repay the whole family. In this family, there is no one to rely on except myself.

The strong Mingyu survived in this way. Even when she met Shi Dongpo, she didn't expose her vulnerability for a long time. Even if she really wants to rely on this man, she dare not open her heart easily.

All the connections are clear: Shi Dongpo cares about Mingyu and her family in the name of special delivery. Mingyu always buys all this with money, never owes anything, and pays for "troublesome Shi Dongpo" every time.

However, Shi Dongpo was calm, never said much or asked much, and he would accept Su Mingyu's money and refuse. Day after day, he expressed "I am not afraid of trouble, I just want to care about you" with his actions.

So far, Mingyu is willing to open her heart to this man and accept his dedication and love.

03

When you are surrounded by avoidant people, you must learn from Shidong.

Talk less and do more.

In the eyes of avoidant people, language has some hints. They don't trust and think it's a lie, but they will silently remember each other's behavior of expressing concern, even if they don't care on the surface.

Don't rush for success. Avoidance becomes a part of personality, so it can't be changed quickly. Avoidance itself is protection.

Therefore, if you really want to help them, you must be patient enough.

Never pry into their private lives, or they will walk faster and refuse more thoroughly.

Accept their boundaries and respect them.

Just like Shi Dongpo accepted Mingyu's reward, because this is her way of life.

When you walk into a person, you must first respect his way. Even if this way is ruthless, you'd better not touch it before you know what he has experienced inside.

In this way, he will open himself up a little and gradually build trust.

As an avoidant person, I should learn from Su Mingyu's father. Su Daqiang, although he can't be unreasonable selfish and naive, at least he should know that he shouldn't always think of others. Dependence itself is reasonable and a kind of cooperation, and he should not always feel indebted to anyone.

As Cai Kangyong said in that issue of Chess Room: "Don't disturb others, that's not human. Human kindness is that you give others trouble and then know how to pay it back. That's human.

Luo Zhenyu also said: "The essence of creating trouble for others is cooperation, which is very clear, and this is also a very ingenious mechanism developed by human society."

A person who disturbs others appropriately is not demanding and greedy, but dares to show weakness. Weakness does not mean incompetence, but courage and courage to go deep into the relationship.

A person who is willing to let others trouble him is open-minded, an open acceptance and tolerance, which is not only enthusiasm, but also a manifestation of high wisdom.

The sense of boundary is the understanding after the concentration and interaction of emotions, and it is by no means the isolation of reason.

Therefore, avoidant people should not become isolated islands, but should really accept others and enter relationships. Everything is not as bad as they feared.

Trying to rely on someone is a wonderful experience and the first step of change.