The worse the child is? Parents should not create frustration, and the four concepts should jump out of the vicious circle.

Every newborn child is particularly cute (please ignore the wrinkled appearance), especially children under one year old, who are definitely the pillar in parents' minds. Even if children do nothing, when they look at them, their mouths will rise and their eyes will simply smile.

However, as they get older, some children become dishonest. Parents are getting more and more depressed, but in the end, it is found that the worse the parent-child relationship, the more deviant the child is.

What's the problem?

If I say that most of them are on my parents, many parents will definitely shout out their grievances.

Don't worry, listen to me slowly.

There are three major factors: the child's development path, which step can be taken in the future.

The second environment is not something we mortals can change, so let's leave it alone.

The third child's own reasons are mainly in three aspects:

(1) Children's self-orientation:

(2) children's interpretation:

(3) the child's congenital conditions:

As long as we think about it carefully, we can quickly understand a fact:

So, what can parents control?

Only the first item (family environment and parenting style).

If you agree with my above ideas, please continue reading.

A mother took two children to play. When they arrived at their destination, the mother told her brother in advance, "You should be a good brother and don't bully your sister. Mom doesn't want to hear her sister yelling at you. It's really bad. If you don't obey, your mother won't take you out to play in the future. "

My brother said happily, "Good." Then play with my sister.

Half an hour later, my sister ran to her mother in tears and said to her mother, "Mom, my brother bullied me, meowed ..."

Mother suddenly got angry and said to her brother, "Didn't I tell you not to bully your sister?" Why did you make her cry again? Say! What did you do? "

After listening, the younger brother looked aggrieved and angry: "I didn't do anything, and my mother knows it's my fault. Everything is my fault!" " "Say that finish and went away, a man ran to the distance to sulk.

In this case, my brother's "frustration" is caused by my mother, and my brother is moving in the direction of my mother's concern.

As a result, both mother and son are moving further and further in the direction that the other party doesn't like.

In the above example, the mother seems to be telling her younger brother, but she is actually giving her younger brother confidence and energy.

(1) Tip: Brother is a bad boy.

"You should be a good brother", the subtext of this sentence is: You are a bad brother now, you should try to become better and be a good brother.

(2) Strengthening: bullying little sister.

If I say to you, "Please don't think about a red elephant."

Excuse me, what are you thinking?

A red elephant, isn't it?

In the eyes of children, the phrase "don't bully your sister" is very weak, and the word "bully your sister" is the key point. Every time my mother tells me this, she will strengthen her brother's idea of "bullying her sister".

If there are too many times, once my brother regards bullying my sister as something that reflects his sense of value and accomplishment, then my mother can't correct my brother's behavior.

(3) There is no separation between "things" and "people"

When a child does something wrong, he is a bad boy. -This concept is harmful.

If parents can't treat things differently, it is particularly easy to "label" their children. Every time you say a negative label, it will bring heavy harm and self-denial to your child.

For example, just because a child is slow and makes many mistakes does not mean that he is a "stupid child".

What parents should think about is how to help their children speed up and improve their accuracy, rather than giving them a "conclusion" directly. Once the parents do this, "stupidity" sticks to the child's forehead. Every time a child does badly, he will think of this word and say to himself, "Mom is right, I am really stupid."

By the same token, a brother who bullies his sister cannot directly say that he is a bad boy.

Besides, in the eyes of my brother, parents still don't know whether what makes my sister yell is bullying or fun, or their unique way of getting along.

In fact, my sister also has her own way of self-interpretation in this matter. What my mother said to my brother has a negative impact not only on my brother, but also on my sister. Due to the limited number of words, this article is not mentioned for the time being.

When we have repeated conflicts with our children on the same issue, and with the passage of time, the degree of contradictions has not decreased, but has become more and more serious, then we must have entered a "vicious circle." At this time, we should not rush to give a response now, but stop, let ourselves calm down, jump out of this cycle to think and find the crux, so as to completely break this model.

We can start from these four points.

(1) Allow children to make mistakes

First of all, we should distinguish a concept:

When you realize that your usual words and deeds treat your child as a mistake, please jump out in time and distinguish between "people" and "things".

What is wrong is "things", not "people".

Secondly, we should allow children to make mistakes. Because every mistake contains opportunities for growth, as long as we make proper use of it.

Finally, when children make mistakes, should we criticize them and make them suffer, or should they learn to take responsibility and grow up?

If it is the latter, then after the child makes a mistake, we should stop criticizing and think about how to say and do it, so that the child can think and gain something.

For example:

When my sister cries for her mother, her mother can ask, "What's the matter? What do you think you did well in this matter? What are the disadvantages? How to improve in the future? "

(2) From the beginning of trust, the child's heart is more "sunny"

In the case, the mother's first sentence (you should be a good brother and don't bully your sister) became: "Mom believes in you and can have fun with your sister."

This sentence gives the child positive strength, and the child can feel the trust of his mother. Starting from this kind of trust is far better than "reminding" and "threatening". If you don't listen, your mother won't take you out to play in the future. )

(3) All "criticism" can be replaced by "encouragement"

As long as we are careful enough, every negative criticism we say to our children can be replaced by supportive encouragement.

For example:

1——

Why do you always fool around like this! I'm going to be late.

Come on, son, we'll get to school on time.

2——

You are so careless! 10 made three mistakes.

B.be more careful, son. Maybe you can get the answer right next time.

3——

A. why is the score so low in this exam? Didn't you study hard and just think about the game?

B, son, think about how to adjust your learning style in the future to improve your grades.

Think about it. If you are a child, facing three different groups, do you prefer A or B?

If you have the answer in mind, tell your child the way you like to speak.

This is called: if you want to take it, you must give it first.

(4) Learning to take responsibility is a homework that everyone must complete.

If we give our children everything when they are young, and we don't let them take responsibility when they do something wrong, whether they criticize or not, then children will learn the lesson of "taking responsibility" at a more painful cost when they grow up.

Society doesn't give you all the answers. People must learn to grow up and be responsible for their own lives.

There is a saying in the book Children: Challenge:

Therefore, instead of letting children make up lessons when they grow up, it is better to learn this lesson well and learn a sense of responsibility from an early age.

When a brother bullies (teases) his sister, he must know what his responsibility is in this matter.

Don't confuse responsibility with consequences.

(1) Consequences

(2) Responsibility

So, how to bear these two responsibilities?

It is by no means as simple as a criticism or abuse.

-these are all questions that my brother should think about.

Criticism will only make people suffer, and they can't grow. Only by thinking (reflection) can children make continuous progress.

explain

In this incident, not only my brother but also my sister needs to reflect.

Because my sister may have her own problems. Parents with two children will notice that not every time the little one cries, the responsibility lies with the big one. However, this is another topic.

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