What was I thinking when I learned that I had cancer?

( 1)

Some time ago, I was scared to pee!

I was suspected of having cancer when I was examined in the hospital.

A bolt from the blue, hearing the news, I was directly stupid.

No matter how I imagined it, I didn't expect such a thing.

I am still so young, how can I get cancer!

You see, I'm surrounded by old people and old ladies. I feel so wronged!

I disagree, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to!

I can refuse to obey my orders, but I can't do it without holding the wall. My legs are weak with fear, so I am very afraid of death.

Then, it is to do further diagnosis and examination.

In four days, I changed three departments and had three CT scans, which was a long wait.

Bye, bye, bye. . . . . .

(Please repeat it ten thousand times)

(2)

To tell the truth, these four days are quite tiring.

First of all, it was so sudden that I was unprepared. Pia pia pia, fate has given me a few big mouths, which makes me dazzled and at a loss. I've been thinking, have I done anything out of line?

As a result, my memory is full of good people and deeds!

There's only one voice left in my head. I want to live, I want to live, I want to live. . . . . .

It seems that science can't explain my current confusion.

Secondly, I can't tell my family any relevant information. All along, I have been giving good news to my family instead of worrying.

I was examined in the hospital during the day and I was worried. When I get home at night, I have to smile and pretend that nothing happened. I lied that I went out to get something for fear that they would see something strange.

This is mainly because letting them know will only increase their troubles and worry about me, but it will not help at all. Besides, there is no final diagnosis. If it is a false alarm, then I am even more sorry for everyone!

Besides, I have to prepare for the worst, just in case. . . . . . When something bad happens, try to make them accept it frankly and minimize the impact on their lives.

After all, family life has to go on.

Also, when I look back on my insignificant life, I feel a little sorry. In the end, I found that everything was just a dream. Where there is a beginning, there is an end.

If there is another chance to start over. . . . . .

Forget it, or don't if.

Living once is enough.

(3)

In the past four days, I have not been well, and my heart has changed a lot. From the initial panic to the final calm face, it seems that I have experienced a journey where you will go, and my life has been greatly impacted and influenced.

This is an unforgettable four days. I have to record it.

The Quaker's name for Sunday

At first, the doctor happened to see a black lump in a certain part of my body and told me that the specific situation was unclear and I needed to go to other departments for diagnosis.

So, I went to another department for an examination. The doctor said there might be something bad, and then I'll do a more detailed examination.

I was a little scared. After all, the doctor won't talk nonsense, and I did show the corresponding symptoms, so I did further CT examination, and the results won't come out until the next day.

After coming out of the hospital, the whole person is not very well and a little desperate, but I still have to face it. After all, I just doubt it. Of course, what worries me more is that this matter must not be known to my family, otherwise my family will be in a mess.

So, I adjusted my state and went home happily. I just sat in the study for a long time at night, looking for the Tibetan Life and Death Book in a cupboard full of books, hoping to find some answers.

(4)

the next day

After the results of the first day came out, the doctor saw from the film that there was indeed a bad situation, but whether it was benign or malignant needed further confirmation.

Then I did another CT scan. During the filming process, facing the cold machine, I felt that I was sent into a cold black hole.

On this day, my heart has calmed down a lot, and I began to consider preparing for the worst. If the result is not good, should I tell my family directly? How should I communicate with my family? How to minimize the impact on their lives?

On the way back, I simply recalled my life like watching a movie, and I felt quite good. I can't help laughing when I think of my family, wife and daughter. I don't feel like wasting my life.

In the evening, I have been struggling to tell my wife first, but I can't bear to see her busy at work, and finally said nothing.

Late at night, I sat alone in my study and wrote a long letter to my daughter. I planned to write more letters to my daughter in a limited time, from one to twenty-five, once a year to make up for my shortcomings.

Then I thought about my family. My feelings are very complicated. I can't bear to give up, but there is nothing I can do. This is destined to be another sleepless night.

(5)

the third day

On the third day, I got up early in the morning to make breakfast for my family, then rushed to the hospital, and got the results of CT scan the next day. I can probably understand what is written in the diagnosis, which generally means that the situation is not very good.

I went to see a doctor with a medical certificate. The doctor has arranged an early X-ray cancer expert diagnosis, and the time is scheduled for tomorrow.

Out of the clinic, I sat alone in the hospital yard all morning. The sun is particularly comfortable. I have never felt such beautiful sunshine.

I thought of my late grandfather, grandmother, grandfather, grandmother, uncle and my classmates. I looked up at the sky as if I could see their smiling faces without any pain.

I called my mother and asked her to tell her father to eat less spicy food. He has a bad stomach, so I called my wife again and listened to her nagging about things at work for a long time. I actually listened with relish, not as boring as before.

I called a very good friend again. She just lost her father. She told me that she missed her father very much. I was silent for a long time without saying a word.

I finally didn't have the courage to tell them the possible result.

If something really bad happens, I will choose not to tell anyone, let alone go to treatment. After all, this kind of work will only add too much burden to my family, which I don't want to see.

In the afternoon, I walked all the way from the hospital to my alma mater, Electronic Science and Technology University, and then to my former company, ZTE. I spent 1 1 year in these two places, full of memories, and now the scenery is more beautiful.

When I got home at night, my daughter threw herself into my arms and refused to come down. I played with her for hours until she cried herself to sleep in my arms.

I hold her, full of happiness. It will be her first birthday in two days. The little guy is growing so fast. I really hope that I can always accompany her to grow up healthily and happily.

In the evening, when I faced my wife alone, I got up the courage to talk to her several times, but I didn't speak at last. Perhaps the best choice is not to tell anyone.

I am willing to bear all this alone.

(6)

The fourth day

The decisive day has arrived.

I was dressed neatly and refreshed, so I went to the hospital early in the morning.

Queue, wait, diagnose, finally, I was sent to the early X cancer diagnosis room.

After careful diagnosis, the two experts finally gave a clear answer, which basically ruled out the possibility of X cancer, but there were still some problems. Go back and rest more, treat on time, and check once every three months. If there is little change, there is no problem.

Hearing this, I cried in front of the doctor.

When I came out of the hospital, I felt reborn.

In the evening, I told my wife all my experiences these days.

My wife, in tears, grabbed my ear and said, you think you are great. You are selfish and irresponsible. If you dare to do that again, I won't finish with you. . .

My lovely lady!

(7)

Four days' experience seems like a lifetime ago.

From sadness to joy, it was only a moment, but it made me feel a lot of different feelings.

From then on, I insisted on getting up early, exercising, studying and growing up, and cherishing every inch of time with my family. I think I will become more gentle, calm and grateful.

Even if the reality is unbearable, I will still keep an optimistic heart, which is my promise to myself and my family.

In addition, give yourself and the people around you some advice.

First, regular physical examination, timely detection and timely treatment must not be sloppy.

Second, strengthen exercise, cherish life and live every day well.

Third, be kind to yourself, your family and your friends, and don't let your bad temper ruin it.

Fourth, many things are really not as serious as we thought. Let go and face them frankly.

Five, do what you want to do, don't be afraid.

It's good to be alive. I love everything in this world.

Well, it's good to be alive!

The beauty of this world has always been there, with pleasant scenery, warm family, willow leaves in the morning sun, shadows in the sunset, parents' voices, lovers' nagging, distant landscapes, parting in memory and youthful songs.

All suffering will eventually turn to dust, and all happiness will soothe the injured soul.

Face up to the reality and accept ourselves. One day, our life will meet with beauty and let us fly in the gorgeous sunshine.

Thank God, after a week's interruption, I was able to continue writing and record all my experiences.

I want to say that I love you.

Xiaodinggu: A typical post-80s, full-time dad, from the workplace to entrepreneurship, engaged in agricultural e-commerce and self-media, looking for another possibility of life. Here, about agriculture, e-commerce, parent-child, parenting, handicrafts.