Talk about it in the way of terrapin

Introduction: My family has a younger brother, who is quite clever. One day lz took him to the street and saw a girl with long legs in shorts. Lz's eyes suddenly went straight and the climax came. The boy immediately ran over and hugged his sister's thigh and said, Sister, your legs are so white, don't get tanned. I'll block it for you. All right, man, do you know you took my job? outcome ...

1. I bought a new basketball with more than 800 yuan yesterday, so I asked my classmates to play basketball together. On the way, a newcomer who didn't know me came and asked to join. I agreed to let him in, and then he made a mistake and passed it far. He picked up the ball in a hurry and awkwardly. We waited and waited, then we didn't wait. This is so cheating!

2. Congratulations to the college entrance examination candidates who have finally finished the exam! Four years later, you will find that today's efforts are basically useless. It is not knowledge that changes your destiny, but your parents, your appearance, and whether your village is going to be demolished. ...

Today, I took a bus. Sister, I sit in a place where there is no sun. A girl came up to me and said, sit over there and let me sit here. Fuck you, Mahler Gobi. Are you pregnant? Holding a baby? Old people? Still disabled? Nothing! Bitch is melodramatic, where to stand hot!

4. Wash your face in the morning, and the left sleeve comes up at once, but the right sleeve doesn't come up at all. Fucking profiteers with thick sleeves and thin sleeves! Damn it! ...

People have been using WIFI to surf the internet since the office installed WIFI. I just changed my password. Colleagues came to ask me what the password was. When I said give me a dollar, he took out a dollar and said you can tell me now. I am embarrassed to say that the password is "give me a dollar". It's very kind of you to give me a dollar. Colleagues came to ask for the password one after another. After a while, the money for lunch is enough. I seem to have found the way to get rich!

6. Because of my son's puppy love, the school teacher called me to school in a hurry and said seriously, "We really love each other, please help us!" Uncle! "

7. diaosi man said to the goddess, are you thirsty? Buy you a drink? Goddess is not thirsty! Diaosi asked again: Are you hungry? Invite you to dinner, the goddess said again, I'm not hungry, I'm sleepy! Diaosi embarrassed, shyly looking at the goddess: then I invite you to sleep!

8. The high school reunion is over, and it's time to pay the bill again. To prove that I am doing well, I said to everyone, "Don't rob me. I will pay for this bowl of beef noodles myself! "

Yesterday afternoon, we had an exam. The teacher said that we must go to bed at noon, and then we all went to bed. Xueba didn't come this afternoon Nima overslept after 30 minutes of the exam. He rushed to the school and we finished it in 90 minutes. He only did it for 50 minutes, but his grades didn't affect him. ...

10, a friend natural to stay once asked her husband, "If I don't have an antivirus program, can I crush it with a compression program?" Her husband looked at her motionless for n seconds and said, "You'd better turn off the computer for a while and starve them to death!" " "

1 1. There are more than 100,000 in the pre-marriage card and I have been married for 3 years. Just now, my wife asked you how much money was left in the card, and I said more than 30. My wife said it was great. This hat is also in her thirties. Come and pay it for me.

12, what just happened is still in shock. Just leaning against a wall on the side of the road to make a phone call, a beautiful woman came by in a brand-new Buick. She was afraid of me: get out of the way, I want to back you up. Nima has such a big space that you can put your back against the wall and move away with a bang behind you. Thank you for not killing me. ...

13. One day, a new door was installed in the office, but it was very difficult. A female colleague asked the doorman if this was all right. The master said: This door is like a wife. The smoother you use it! Suddenly there was a dead silence!

14, the child dislocated his arm and took it to the village private clinic. The doctor is an old man with a gray beard. The old man put a piece of chocolate on the child's head and said: I call one, two, three, whoever grabs it will have it! One, two and three children raised their hands and grabbed them, and their arms were connected. ......

15 One of our vice presidents went to the meeting without a pen, so he took a pen from a female colleague's desk. As a result, I got angry when I wrote, and fell on the table: what a broken pen, I can't write it. The female colleague took the pen trembling and cried out in pain, you turtle, this is my eyebrow pencil! You wrote that I was bald!

16, a bowl of instant noodles is treated in two ways. Thin people eat. "No wonder you are so thin and always eat these nutritious things. Stop eating and eat skin and bones. " The fat man said, "You've been eating this junk food. No wonder you're so fat. If you don't eat it, you will die of obesity. "

17, the chairman's daughter was kidnapped. The kidnapper took a picture of her daughter and prepared to send it to the chairman for ransom. At the moment when it was about to be sent out, the chairman's daughter came out of nowhere, broke free from the rope that bound her and took the kidnapper's mobile phone. Facing the panicked kidnapper, chairman Qian Jin opened the photo album, repaired the photo and returned the phone to the kidnapper, saying, I want to send this one.

18. I went shopping with a comrade-in-arms today. There is a mobile phone hypermarket in the middle, and all mobile phones can be tried. Then he put screen locks on them one by one. When I came out, I heard the voice of the mall manager ringing all over the audience!

19, a little white rabbit came to the grocery store and asked, boss, do you have 100 carrots? Then he was caught by the grocer. After all, there are few rabbits that can talk.

20. Video chat with your boyfriend's mobile phone at night. I said to wear beautiful and sexy clothes at work today. I said I was suitable for wearing clothes with big breasts and thin waist, which looked good. When my boyfriend turned his cell phone around, I saw his mother and big sister. Their laughter is imaginary. ...

2 1, because of the hot weather, the neighbor's golden hair was shaved off. He wore a big vest with five red stars on it. "Love will win." Listen to the neighbor's aunt's criticism tonight "How many times have I said that I will go home before 9 o'clock in the evening? What time is it now? " Ah! Wear new clothes and go to other people's houses to show off your dog wife. Your wife gave birth to a baby. Did you see any puppy like you? ! Still going? How do old people grow up ... "

22. When I was a child, I was at my aunt's house. My aunt used a pressure cooker to cook chicken soup, and then there was a loud noise in the kitchen! It turned out that my cousin was greedy and opened the pressure cooker in advance. The pressure cooker exploded. My aunt anxiously asked my cousin if she was burned. My cousin walked out of the kitchen without saying a word. Many years have passed, and I still remember the picture. My cousin sat on a small stool at the door with a chicken on her head, leaving a lonely figure.

23, 20xx Shandong college entrance examination composition topic: open the window to see the problem. A picture frame under the window, through which you can see different pictures, some people see elegance and some people see vulgarity. Some people see silence, while others see noise. I was scared to death when someone saw the head teacher at the back door.

24. My distant aunt came to see me and asked me this and that: "I haven't grown so big for several years. Do you have a girlfriend? When are you going to get married? " I'm a little impatient and want to find an excuse to go out and say, "Aunt, I'll get a courier." My aunt said happily, "They are all married! When did you get married? Is the girl a courier? "

I don't mind that you let the scarecrow go, and I don't mind that you put the scarecrow on the side of the road in the dark. But, Nima, can you stop wearing wigs and skirts for scarecrows? Driving by at night almost didn't scare me! There was an accident. Who should I go to?

26. "The daughter-in-law across the street is scolding her mother-in-law again. The old man looks so pitiful! " My mother gave me a meaningful look after listening: "As long as you can find me a daughter-in-law, I am happy that she hits me every day!" " ""mom! Are you sure I'm your own? "

27. One of my college classmates posted an article today saying that "people have become much more beautiful since they changed their mobile phones." . My comments are as follows: Have you changed your smartphone? May I use the beauty camera? Then I was blacklisted, and now I can't find her among my friends. ...

28. I was offended by my girlfriend once. She had dinner at her intimate home that day and then asked me to pick her up. I just finished playing ball and I have no money with me. She said, "Nothing, I'll wait for you at the intersection when you take a taxi." Then I went, and as a result, you know, I was about to call her, but my phone was turned off, and I! Finally, I had no choice but to go home and take money to pay the fare. Women can't afford to offend!

29. The exam is over. Presumably, many fresh candidates have experienced the true face of the college entrance examination. Yes, the college entrance examination is nothing special. Just like the usual exam, I still can't answer it.

30. On the bus, a woman suddenly slapped the man next to her, called him a hooligan and touched others. The man said you could seduce your brother-in-law. Why not let me touch it now? I fucking divorced you, and then the car was quiet in an instant. After that, the car stood aside. Under our attention, the man quickly got off the bus and ran away. As a result, the woman said, I don't know him He was such a hooligan that he almost cried. ...

Editor's note: the first day of work went smoothly ... there was a big dog standing in the middle of the way home, majestic. My sister was afraid of being bitten by someone who honked her horn, so she had to ride to the edge of it slowly and said softly, make way, Nima, this product really makes way, which really gives me face. ...

40 funny quotations make you laugh.

1, that day, my boyfriend said he would play games with me. Whoever cares about each other first will lose. I promised him on impulse! I'm so proud of myself, he's going to lose! Who knows it's been more than a year. No news ... Theo, did he dump me?

Once upon a time, his eyes were as lifeless as Dong Cunrui's.

I had a secret crush on you because I was out of my mind, and now my brain is shaking dry.

4, people who can't lose weight are always in turmoil, and people who don't eat fat are fearless.

5. Your appearance is not accurate and your proportion is not good.

6. If people live by eating, that meal is not called rice, but called feed.

7. Your complex facial features can't hide your simple IQ.

8. I don't think you are a qualified friend. You better be my wife!

9. If a man doesn't help you put on a wedding dress, you can give him a cassock.

10, I took the time to pay for my mobile phone, only to know that my words are so valuable.

1 1, learn not to be angry first, and then learn to make people angry.

12, Confucius said: In a threesome, there must be my wife. Choose a beautiful one to marry.

13. Old people can't kill children, women and men.

14. If cutting my hair means cutting my memory, will I lose my memory if I cut my hair?

15, how are you now? If you have a bad life, I will feel at ease.

16, where there is no cow dung in the end of the world, why unrequited love for a piece of shit.

17, people are iron, rice is steel, and there is no soup in the bones.

18, some people are so tender that they come out as soon as they pinch, but I am so timid that I bubble when I pinch my nose.

19, through which noble family, your father is Marshal Tian Peng!

20. Sorry, public toilets are not suitable for your gender.

2 1, I didn't say you are shameless, I said shameless people are just like you.

22. Not only am I lucky, but my beriberi is also good.

23, reading a book cramps, Si Wen is like a urine collapse!

24. The train to hell has left, please don't disturb it.

25. My mother said that the prodigal son will never change his money. Who will give me gold? I will change.

26, on impulse, the crisis of later generations!

27. I passed you, but you didn't know it was me because I turned my head away.

You don't even know Yao Ming. How can I play football with you? You are so funny.

29, the face is a thing outside the body, you can want it, money is a must, you must want it.

30. There are more and more monsters in this world, but fewer and fewer Taoist priests in Tang Dynasty.

3 1, if one day I fall down. Remember, I'll come up for you.

32. I think the earth is too dangerous. I miss Mars. Add me to WeChat if you like:

33. If there is no medical insurance and life insurance, don't try to be brave after dark.

You say you are my friend, but in fact, I know that animals are indeed friends of human beings.

35. Obama, do you remember the little bin Laden on the Daming Lake?

36, what a fart, bad heart. Don't push, exercise.

37. Goose, cut the curve with a knife, pluck the hair and pour the water, light the pot!

Although I can't help all sentient beings, I can hurt them.

39. Everyone is a prisoner, and the phone number is the number.

40. The high pressure in your eyes is enough for my mobile phone to last for a year.

Huge funny quotations that make you laugh.

1, I saw someone say that the real release is probably: you won't delete his chat record or blacklist him, just let him lie in the address book and never bother to open it again. He is like the pen you dropped on the bed, and the water you spilled in the subway station. If you decide not to do this, you will never think of it again. The traces he left are like the dust sewn on the sofa at home and the stains on the range hood. You don't specialize in cleaning either, so you can clean it when you are in a good mood.

2, people hit love, and cars hit a car accident. Unfortunately, cars always collide, but people always give way.

3. "If I lose it, will you call me?" "Of course, who lost one hundred jins of meat don't find! Ha ha ha! "

People who like to make up stories behind your back have no more than three reasons: they don't reach your level; He doesn't have what you have; Try to imitate your lifestyle!

5. Generally, what you hear is basically equal to "forget it" ... people are embarrassed to refuse you directly and give you a step down!

6. If you spend the time and energy of "arguing with your girlfriend about right and wrong" on "taking her to dinner and buying her something at buy buy", both of you will feel much better.

7. When you are young, you need to suffer more, and you will be truly humble. Otherwise, your self-righteous cleverness and contempt for all superiority will destroy you sooner or later.

8. The banker's son asked the banker, "Dad, you see that all the money in your bank belongs to those customers and depositors. Then how did you earn your house, Mercedes-Benz and yacht? " Dad said, "son, there is a piece of fat in the refrigerator." Please bring it. " My son brought it. "Put it back." The son was sent back again. When he came back, his son asked, "What do you mean?" Father replied, "Do you see any oil on your hand?"

9. A friend is flying and leaning against the window. He knocked on the cabin once, and a child at the back said angrily, "Mom, that brother is masturbating!" " "The people around you are laughing, and that friend even has the determination to jump off the plane!

10, the only time the university failed, I mistook a few hundred words of love letters written to a girl I have long admired for a paper and gave them to a Marxist theory teacher ... We are all male prostitutes. The only time I was worshipped by girls in college was when I personally gave Marx's paper as a love letter to a girl I had admired for a long time. She always praises me for my high ideological awareness. Then we made up. The process is that the teacher asked me to read the love letter to the whole class in public. I quickly sent a text message to let the girls come and said that there was a surprise. She came, thinking that I confessed in public, and I was moved by her face ... Finally, I called her name, and the students cooperated and applauded loudly. The teacher's face turned green ... So, I failed this course.

1 1. Xiaoqing was chatting with a psychiatrist at the party ... Xiaoqing asked: How do you all diagnose patients? The doctor replied: I always ask them some simple questions first. If they hesitate, I can probably know that they are crazy. Xiaoqing was very interested and asked, what is this problem? Can you give me some examples? The doctor said, for example, Captain Cook traveled around the world three times, but unfortunately he died on one of them. When was it? Xiaoqing hesitated, a little embarrassed to say that I am not familiar with history. Can you give me another example?

12, studying in the grammar building, found a mobile phone to open the phone book, which was full of names like "A" and "B" ... After unremitting efforts, I finally found "My Dad" and broadcast it. After the call was connected, the person on the other end of the phone answered the phone. Man: Who are you? I don't have a caller ID. Me: I have your son's cell phone. Man: Don't touch my son. How much did you agree on?

13. Tell me about my wife. Although we are going to get married soon, my wife is still like a child. It was this summer ... My wife was wearing new suspenders (the kind with pockets on her stomach). I saw something square and flat in her belly pocket. I thought for a long time and couldn't figure out what it was, so I reached out and took it out. It turned out to be a cell phone battery. Before I knew it, my wife suddenly fainted. Before I could think, for about a second, she lay on the ground, crooked her neck and said, "Ah, there is no electricity" and then continued to lie on the ground ... I didn't eat much that day because I wanted to spray when I ate.

14, my girlfriend asked me to go to the hospital the other day. I asked what happened. She said her legs are a little bent, which is also commonly known as O-legs. She felt that it affected her beauty, so she decided to go to the hospital to see if there was any solution. Because my girlfriend has always been gentle, I feel a little embarrassed. It was her first time to come to the hospital for beauty treatment, so when the doctor asked her what was going on, she said, doctor, I have everything between my legs. The doctor was surprised and immediately said, nonsense, it was the gentlemen who didn't sew!

15, once on a business trip with a buddy. I took the train and stopped at a station in Shandong for a short time. My buddy asked for two bowls of noodles from the window ... The car started before the money was given. My buddy and I had no change and couldn't find it. When the buddy got impatient, he threw out a hundred-dollar bill and shouted, It will be the fifth carriage of this car in three days. People full of cars are not only surprised.

16, one of my buddies got cancer, and when he was dying, he called me to his side and said, "Don't say that I died of cancer after I die, say that I died of AIDS ..." I want to know, "Why? How terrible AIDS is! " The buddy said, "Only in this way can no one dare to hit my wife."

17, six months ago, in order to urge myself to lose weight, I insisted on recording my weight every day, filling out the form I made, and generating a trend chart ... Today, my colleague passed by my seat, only to see him fall back thoughtfully and whisper in my ear: That ... Can you tell me which stock you are? The trend is quite good. ...

Shit, man, I didn't mean to bite your milk! A hilarious quotation

1. In the office, a female colleague put a bag of milk on the heater. I thought it was for me to drink. Just after biting the bag, I heard: Don't bite my milk, Nima, my buddy didn't mean to bite your milk.

2. Q: Why do women ask men to have a car and a house before marriage? A: Beautiful and willful! Q: What about people like us who get married naked? A: Ugly, appointed! ! ! !

If you want to ask your friends for help, invite them to the farm for dinner. In the banquet hall, a little black dog lingered under the table. I felt sorry for it and gave it a bone. I saw it sniff and run away, wagging its tail. At this moment, I think I need pity more!

4. Accompany the goddess to have an abortion. When I walked to the door of the hospital, I suddenly heard a voice behind me: "Look at yourself, from head to toe, I need you for a day or two all the year round." The more I listen, the more unhappy I am. I turned around and beat the worker who installed the Christmas tree in front of the hospital.

5. Excuse me: Why does the law stipulate that men can only get married at the age of 24 and become soldiers at the age of 18? Answer: First, it is easier to kill the enemy than to get married. Second, women are more difficult to deal with than enemies.

6. I went to the desk of that beautiful colleague and said to her gently, "Sitting for a long time and exercising properly is good for your health. You haven't moved since you started working. " Without looking up, she said, "I do this every day. Why do you say that today? " Me: "Because when you sat down to work, the armrest of the chair lifted your skirt and the thong was exposed. I was really tired after watching it for three hours. "

7. I got a call from a colleague saying that another colleague's father-in-law had died and asked me how much it cost. Hung up the phone and whispered, hey, I need some money again. When can I collect it? Hey, wife, what are you doing with a knife?

8. One day, my sister, who just turned fourteen, asked me: Brother, my classmates said that every boy has a younger brother after birth, so your younger brother is my younger brother. Please show me, little sister. Do you think my brother can show it to you?

9. One day, I suddenly met an old classmate and talked about his family affairs. My classmate said that after he married the beauty queen, his life was worse than death. I asked why, and my classmates replied, guess which school joke it is, or the joke of sumo women's college. He weighs over 300 kilograms.

10. On the mountain, I knelt quietly in front of the closed door from morning till night. Finally, the door slowly opened. An old man stood quietly in front of me. I climbed half a step on my knees and bowed down: "Master, I have seen through the world of mortals and decided to convert to Buddhism. I know Buddhism pays attention to deep predestination. I firmly believe that I am sincere and will have a relationship with Buddha. Take me! " The old man gently put the dust in his hand on my head and said faintly, "You converted to Buddhism ... What the fuck are you doing here?" ? "

1 1. The university dormitory stinks. One day, my girlfriend visited the dormitory. After a while, my roommate suddenly said there was a smell in the air. My girlfriend said silently, I just farted a fairy. It's really a beautiful fart with a taste.

12, my colleague asked me how to say apple in English early this morning. I said "Apple"! "That's right. Get shot ":colleague. On Christmas Eve, many girls were tricked into eating bananas in the name of eating apples, and finally drank soybean milk! So don't envy those girls who receive gifts!

13, Q: Why is it Christmas Eve tonight? A: Although there are many se wolves in the street tonight, it is not safe for girls with flat breasts to go out.

14, a female high school physics teacher asked for leave, and a young and handsome male teacher took the place. Students don't want to attend class, so they say, teacher, we don't want to attend class. How about playing some exciting games? The male teacher was silent for a while and said, OK! The students closed their books and began the exam.

15, Apple is simply the Cinderella of fruit. It was packaged in fancy and turned into a safe fruit. To 10 yuan or even 20 yuan! At night 12 o'clock, I went back to the supermarket shelf the next day for 5 yuan a catty. Who knows how much you sold last night! Too bad!

16, I heard ... a colleague surnamed Wei. I went to the hospital for a physical examination. Nurse: Name. Last name is Wei. Wei What ... Colleague God replied: How do I know why? My father's surname is Wei, so my surname is Wei. ...

17, I took a long-distance bus the other day and became a sister next to me. After driving for a long time, my sister fell asleep (leaning on lz's shoulder). Lz thought of a way to strike up a conversation and poured some mineral water on her shoulder. When my sister woke up, she thought it was her own saliva. At least she can leave a phone number or something. Unexpectedly, the car suddenly turned and fell on my sister's face, and then ... it was gone.

18, q: "Does anyone know the personalized screen names of numbers, English and Chinese characters?" A: "2B Youth" ...

19, my daughter-in-law is pregnant. I took her to the hospital by bike. On the way, my daughter-in-law felt sick. I stopped. She squatted on the side of the road and vomited. An aunt came over and said, poor child, you also get carsick when you take an electric car.

20. My wife watched the Palace Opera these two days. I asked her, "Let's have a big meal tonight." My wife said, "Play it."

2 1. On the high-speed train to Wuhan, the first and second goods behind have nothing to do with car navigation. "You were seriously speeding." ...

22. I had a minor operation. After the doctor said yes, I actually asked if I could get up. Oh, my God, that's the operating table. I can't believe I call it a bed.

Husband: "What does my wife eat tonight?" Wife: "Braised beef, tomato brisket, pork bone, fish with Chinese sauerkraut." Husband: "So rich." Wife: "I said instant noodles."

24. After dinner, the wife: "Husband, don't show off your wealth!" Husband: "Where are you showing off your wealth?" Wife: "You have shredded meat between your teeth."

25. My brother and I played basketball on the court for an hour, and her girlfriend brought him water to drink. My brother shouted: Can't you see my brother here? ! Give him a drink first. I thought: They quarreled yesterday, but today they made up. The young man is very naughty ... I took a few sips, and after a few minutes, he dared to drink, muttering: no poison. ...

26. Everyone was waiting in line at dinner today. A colleague of mine asked for a pig's trotter in front of him. As a result, his colleague said, "Don't buy it, it's not chewy." I think so, too. People in front of my colleagues may feel the same way, so I didn't ask for pig's feet. Speaking of my colleague, he said, "Give me a trotter."

27. Now people know that 12.25 is Christmas. How many people know when 12.26 is? How many people know Comrade Mao's birthday? On Christmas Eve of 12.24, drums were blaring in the street. On Christmas Eve, it belongs to foreigners, and we in China are going to be so vigorous that the foreign Jesus is called Malaya! ! At Christmas, an old man like me, without a girl, can only tighten his collar at the corner in the cold wind and listen to the sad reminder from the wind that really resounds through the city: "Single boy! ~ single boy! ~ single all the way! ~~~"

28. Talk to your wife about blood type at lunch. I said I was type B, and my wife said, "I'm also type B." What a coincidence. I don't want my wife to say, "I'm afraid our son won't be type 2B!" " "

29. Today, I saw a family of three next door sunbathing downstairs. The child just turned three years old and squatted on the ground to play with shit. The child's father said to his mother, "Your son is so stupid." I thought that woman would scold her father, but her mother said, "I fucking found out."

30. I changed my composition yesterday and saw the last line of the article: "Buying this gift is shit for me." . I wonder, how can there be such an expression? What are you talking about? Turn to another page to understand. Unfortunately, there was no grid behind the post-it notes, so the students wrote the appropriate words on another page.