South wind, south wind (4) Nude under the moonlight

4. Nude under the moonlight

I have to say, in fact, I have never made such a confession to Nanfeng. I really wanted to tell Nanfeng those arrogant love words intact. But that day, I was drunk. I drank some wine, and then I felt the weight on my head becoming more and more unbearable. And that day, in fact, what I said to Nanfeng was,

'I feel like a soldier who has been shot now, Nanfeng. When I was drunk, I felt like I had been shot, but I had never been shot at all. , Nanfeng, I'm sorry, my drinking power is very bad. ’

But that’s all a story for another day. Only two days after I first met Nanfeng, my unexpected hospital stay ended, but the woman named Nanfeng insisted on continuing to take care of me for a few days, probably because the thick gauze wrapped around my head could not reassure her.

Following the southerly wind, Tongcheng entered the hottest stage of that summer. The sun seems to hang just above Tongcheng's head every day, with no intention of going anywhere else. The fire-like weather makes the riverside park as deserted as a cemetery. The few clusters of branches on both sides of the park entrance are usually surrounded by spiky branches. The unknown shrub with thorns has bloomed eye-catching purple flowers. Every day when I was bored, I would be attracted by those clusters of blooming purple flowers. I would sit on the ground and lean on the door frame, marveling at how those monsters with "sharp mouths and fangs" could bloom in such a dazzling way. The south wind usually comes from the purple just after noon.

I clearly remember that the air at the far end of my field of vision was constantly vibrating as if it was carrying something on its mind. Nanfeng often wore off-white shorts that were slightly above the knees and casually paired them with a loose T-shirt. As I approached, she would sometimes be carrying three or two oranges, and sometimes her hands would be empty. Her clothes didn't seem to have been carefully chosen to make my eyes shine, but I can still see every detail of her appearance as she walked towards me.

So, in those days when the south wind slowly approached me against the pouring sunshine, what topics did we talk about? ——I can’t remember it at all. My memory is so regrettable. All the episodes that happened and that I did not pay special attention to at the time have disappeared in my mind like a city that suddenly lost power. Even if I spare no effort or even betray my original intention and cause it, I searched painfully, and could no longer hear the slightest echo of the conversation I had with Nanfeng during that time. It was as if someone had deleted all the dialogue we had at that time, and then only stuffed a vivid scene into my memory. Silent movies are an unequal comfort.

Could it be... Could it be that during that period of time, Nanfeng and I had no conversations worth calling memories? Indeed, she always looked tired at that time. She liked to sit on the edge of my skinny bamboo bed and stare at the sky outlined by only a narrow window in a daze. The river breeze that occasionally rushed into the room would blow her golden hair towards the sky. Then she raised her head, and when she was tired of watching, she simply fell down and fell asleep. Her breasts rose and fell evenly with her breathing, and I tried my best not to look at her unintentionally exposed body. It seems like she never said anything to me! But why, why when I think of the way she untied the gauze on my forehead layer by layer and breathed gently on the wound, I think of her pacing around the house to arrange the scattered clothes for me, and I think of her suddenly coming out of her sleep. When I woke up and looked at me like an awl, my mind was buzzing like a swarm of bees.

That’s right! At that time, Nanfeng told me about her hometown. She said that in the dream just now, she returned to her childhood hometown! That's right, she raised her arms and sat up from the bamboo bed and then turned her head towards me. Her eyes were fixed on the ground and looked dull. All the agility and light escaped from her eyes at that moment. Suddenly, a gust of river wind whistled from the ground and passed under the bamboo bed, making a noise in her green floral dress that day. Then she carefully chose her words as if walking alone on the ice:

"At that time, my home was on the edge of the sea. Although I could see the sea every day, every time I saw it it was like the first time. My sister and I went to the kindergarten arm in arm every day, and the blue The big guy was lying next to him as if he was sleeping heavily. The waves were constantly covering the beach like layers of crystal quilts. Many stranded shrimps and crabs were crawling blindly on the beach, whistling. Busy in a hurry.

The distant sea breeze carried the smell of fresh tide and hit me. It’s funny to say that at that time, I thought it was the bubbles exhaled by the big and small fish in the sea that broke up and formed the faint salty smell of the tide. . Then, blown by the sea breeze in the early morning, smoke began to rise from chimneys in the village. The blue smoke that was dispersed by the sea breeze merged with the porcelain blue clouds accumulated on the sea level. Soon the porcelain blue clouds were blown away by the sunrise. Covered by the rays of the sun, it successively changed into velvety white, carmine red, and oily egg yellow. Finally, the golden light shone, and the bright golden light shone on my sister and I with a kind of peace that can only be obtained in this life. On the face, even the tall coconut trees and colorful textured conches on the beach reflect a different kind of vivid brilliance. My sister and I stopped and looked at each other, laughing even more. "

At this point, Nanfeng stopped and asked me:

"Qinling, can you see such a sea? ”

The south wind’s gaze immediately rushed toward me along with the river breeze pouring in from the window. In his gaze, it seemed that 10,000 hectares of dying cropland were eagerly looking forward to a rain. As if, the longing gaze made me fall into self-doubt: Could such a gaze come from the same woman named Nanfeng as the awl-like gaze?

I was stunned.

I thought about words such as 'Yes, I can see it', 'That's beautiful, it's right in front of me', etc., hoping to bring some comfort to the woman in front of me. But unfortunately, My stuttering problem came back to me again. I felt like my throat was stuck with a thick glue. The more I struggled to speak, the more I got lost in the first syllable.

It doesn’t matter. In other words, my intermittent stuttering problem seems to have become an insurmountable barrier for me to enter the world. Whenever I try to use language to help myself open the door to the world, whenever I am determined to use language to win for myself. When it comes to the value of being a human being, it appears as a ruthless rejecter. It makes me fall into the dilemma of being speechless. It makes the positive world that is waiting for me to enter gradually wither, corrupt and eventually lose as silence spreads. Patience, abandon me and make me live forever in the dark side of the world that is easily forgotten or has long been forgotten.

So I can only say to the south wind,

'I'm sorry'.

There was no stuttering at all.

To this day, when I recall this scene, I realize in surprise: That was the first time Nanfeng took her. The past that I tried so hard to hide was displayed in front of me. The Nanfeng that looked like that was real, and all the unknowns under her body were also shining like a beacon. But at that time, I didn't make any impression on her true face and that beam of light. In response, or in other words, at that moment, my ability to accept was castrated by my stuttering, and I decisively abandoned Nanfeng.

So, Nanfeng's body seemed to suddenly shrink the moment I opened my mouth, but it also happened. It only lasted a short time. After a while, her shoulders were raised again like a sail that had found the direction of the wind, and she regained her previous look. After she rubbed her temples with her index finger, I could no longer look for her. There was no trace of the sleep and dream she had experienced just now. The clear cries of cicadas on the zelkova tree outside the window continued intermittently from noon until now, and the whistle of a ship ready to dock in the distance was heard. Sound, the sunset rises.

"Why say sorry? You didn't do anything wrong. I never thought I would have such a dream again. It is unknown that the sea has dried up long ago. After all, I have been away from it for too long. But this sad temper is not like mine. "

I responded with an embarrassed smile.

Nanfeng continued:

"I have to go home tomorrow. My sister is back from Australia. Gotta meet. Your injury is almost healed, but don’t be careless, the illness will go away like a thread! ”

The next day, Nanfeng stopped coming. But on the day before parting, she had no intention of leaving for a long time, and night came earlier than usual. Nanfeng suggested going to the riverside. Take a walk in the park.

The park becomes lively after dark, and the river wind becomes whistling in your ears, but you can still hear the laughter and chatter of people enjoying the cool air, and at the same time, the sound of people’s footsteps can be heard everywhere. The moonlight came from close to the ground, dimly illuminating the daisies and pea flowers on both sides of the path. The whirling shadows cast by the tall zelkova trees intertwined on the path, making the path where you looked appear particularly deep. .

Nanfeng and I were walking on this park path one after another, but Nanfeng didn't seem to pay attention to everything around her. She was walking quickly in front of me, as if she was in a hurry to go somewhere or trying to Get rid of what? I don't know. We didn't even talk. She was chasing and surpassing the pedestrians walking freely, so I just followed her faster and tried my best to keep the distance between me and her.

We quickly walked out of the path that ran through the entire park, then turned back along the pedestrian avenue beside the riverside guardrail, and then made a larger circle along the park's farthest point from the river. Continue walking on the side road. This road on the easternmost side of the park rarely sees pedestrians on weekdays. There is a row of tall poplar trees growing neatly on one side, and mature iron trees and palms planted at intervals on the other side. There are no street lights along the road, and the moonlight passes through it. The broad leaves of the poplar trees only partially illuminated half of the road. When the road was halfway through, I felt exhausted. Fortunately, Nanfeng also slowed down at this time. She stopped and then turned around and waited for me to approach. The moonlight fell on her cheeks and then appeared. A bright light came out.

"I did go too fast." Nanfeng said slightly apologetically. After I calmed down a little, I continued walking forward with her.

We walked side by side, and the pace became like a normal walk. Nanfeng put her hands straight behind her back, with a relaxed look on her face. Today she used a delicate leaf-shaped The hairpin on the right side was tucked behind the ear, revealing a small mole on the earlobe of the right ear.

"Is there a girl you like in Qinling?" Nan Feng asked me.

"No." I replied subconsciously.

"Have you ever liked someone before? What type is she? I guess she must be the kind who speaks very softly and loves to laugh." Nanfeng rolled his eyes intelligently, without saying a word. Her enthusiasm and confidence were clearly revealed.

Although I have no experience with this kind of curiosity, when Nanfeng asked me a series of questions in anticipation, I still couldn't help but picture a girl's face in my mind. I gave in to Nanfeng and replied:

"I did have an experience in high school, but for a person like me, it was nothing more than an inconvenience." I suddenly I stuttered, and I did have a reason to stutter, because that face was associated with an obscure memory, and after that encounter, I lost the ability to love her.

"Why do you say that - can you tell me about it?" Nanfeng frowned, becoming more and more curious.

"Her name is Chu. One thing that is hard to forget is that she likes to wear a gray and white plaid Nizi coat in winter. By the way, she always wears a black knitted scarf. Indeed, she loves to laugh. During a running test, I staggered and ran at the end of the team. My O-shaped leg was like an exposed scar, dripping with blood and exposed to the crowd's sight. In addition, I was at the end, and I gradually heard the sound coming from the crowd. The students at the front of the team completed the test one after another with the spirit of the lesson plan. They laughed and waited at the finish line. They held their heads high as winners, declaring a kind of heroic spirit inherent in teenagers. After a while, they were on the track. All I have left is my O-shaped legs. In fact, I am paralyzed. I have long been accustomed to the ridicule thrown at me because of my stuttering and O-shaped legs. The ridicule itself has not changed its appearance, but only created it. The crowds are constantly changing: from my first playmate in childhood, to many classmates in my school days, and all the arrogant passers-by I will meet in my long or short future life, it is nothing more than this. situation. But my response to people and the emotions of this world has long been as weak as an ant, right? So when I reached the end, I was only annoyed by physical fatigue and nothing else. They dispersed with satisfaction, just like they were waiting for the moment when Hamlet stabbed his father to death in front of the screen."

"This is it. At that moment, there was a crisp sound of applause from the edge of the runway. My cheeks felt as if they were on fire, because the applause obviously came from the front of the world that I had never touched. It rushed straight towards me, loud and solemn. It scorched my soul. Chu stood upright on the edge of the withered yellow grass in winter. After making sure that I received the encouraging gaze from her, she slowly turned and left. I looked at Chu's back in a daze for a long time, Lei Ruo. Seeing the positive beauty of the world that has been playing hide and seek with me.

”

“For a period of time since then, I missed Chu all the time. Her smiling face and leaving figure made my nights endlessly lengthened. Soon after, in the physical and mental changes, Driven by ** Tongchu, I confessed my love to Tongchu. "

I was a little hesitant when I said this. I didn't observe Nanfeng's expression anymore, but after a moment of pause, I decided to finish it.

"One night after the self-study, I I ran early to the entrance of an alley that I must pass when I return home to wait for Chu to appear. An old-style incandescent street lamp hung high above my head. The winter night in the south seemed particularly cold that night. I curled up but still Shivering from the cold. Soon, Chu arrived, and the clear and regular footsteps made by the collision of her leather shoes with the ground gradually approached me. I jumped out from the weak street lights and blocked her way. Chu showed an uneasy look, and her plump cheeks twitched slightly in the shadow that could not be reached by the street lights. I quickly said:

'Chu...Chu...Chu classmate, I...I like you. '.

After saying that, I bowed solemnly to Chu and waited for her response. When she saw clearly that the person blocking her path was actually me, she laughed with relief. The series of laughter was as crisp as wind chimes. I seemed to see it bypass me, who was bowing, and pass through the alley under the street lights. You left.

‘It turns out you are still a stammerer’. After Chu Ru said this, he walked away lightly. ”

“It’s such a thing. "I finally said.

At this time, the road with clear lines of light and shadow in front of me and Nanfeng also came to an end. At the far end of the corner, the dark waves of the river surface surged.

"There is such a thing! Nanfeng felt indignant because of me, "Everyone in the world is flawed, right?" But the physical flaws are always magnified superficially, while the acne on the soul is ignored. This is simply putting the cart before the horse! "

"Then do you hate her? It's right to hate her. What she said was even more outrageous than the kind of people who never read books. "Nanfeng asked me.

For a moment, I didn't know how to answer Nanfeng. The confidence unique to a girl on Nanfeng's face seemed to declare: the answer to this question is yes, That is to say, I must hate Chu very much, because I have every reason to hate her. The fact is that as Nanfeng speculated, I did have the idea of ??becoming a tyrant again, but when I saw Nanfeng's face, it emerged. With that cleverness and confidence, I decided to lie:

“I don’t hate it, not even for a minute. Everything looks forgivable from the terminal. ”

This seems to be a lie without any reason and with vague meaning. Such a lie puts me in an embarrassing situation where I don’t understand myself more and more. I rarely lie, although it is based on I'm always taciturn.

Nanfeng's confident look faded as she lied. After a while, she smiled and said:

"What an elusive guy. ”

I thought it didn’t matter, so I didn’t answer Nanfeng’s words. We continued to walk side by side as the road extended, and finally walked back to the wide sidewalk on the riverside. At this time The darkness has completely risen from the ground in all directions, and a golden full moon hangs more and more lonely in the sky, like a huge well, and the light inside it comes from the bright world outside the well mouth. , rippling with a kind of friendly charm. I looked up at the extraordinarily bright moon with nothing to do, while Nanfeng turned his head and looked at the distant river behind him. The distant river was connected to the ocean. There is an endless sense of sight, and the lights generated by several ships are moving slowly on the dark river. At the end of this riverside avenue, there is a straight, silver-white cement road extending to the river on the left. Going out, there is a 20-meter-long white lighthouse standing at the end of the road. A strong yellow light from the attic at the top of the lighthouse shines straight on the river behind us.

Me. Asked Nanfeng what he was looking at.

"Just take a look. Can you first tell me what things can be seen from a distance? "

Nanfeng asked me with a smile.

"The dark night, the dark river, the faint light on the ship...and the lighthouse, that's all. "I replied.

"It's much more than that. "

"Huh? more than? ”

“Yes.

Have you ever heard the saying: It is our understanding of things that creates new things? " Nanfeng continued to ask me questions.

This sentence is not incomprehensible, but I still don't know how to answer it for a while.

"The night, the ship, the lighthouse you mentioned They are all objectively existing individuals, but what I see is the connection between them. Objectively existing things are unreliable. Cognition is the only thing we can rely on, not things, because your observation will change it. "

"The river carries the ship, the night renders the river water, and the ship recognizes the lighthouse. Connect the things you see with each other, and you will see a brand new story. ”

“Your angle is so wonderful!” ”

I admired from the bottom of my heart. I think Nanfeng is an elusive person. Sometimes she is melancholy, sometimes she is as light as walking on spring grass, and now she is Speaking of such mysterious words, I clasped my palms together and praised her:

"This is a point of view that really shines in front of my eyes. How did you see it? "

Nanfeng giggled after hearing this. Her laughter sounded as light as velvet. At this time, Nanfeng was like a child harvesting a palmful of colorful candies. She said to me:

“These are the words of the Buddha. The Buddha said that all appearances are false. If you see all appearances as non-appearances, you will see the Tathagata. I believe it. ”

“It’s hard to say. In that case, I’ll tell you slowly later. ”

I answered yes.

Then Nanfeng and I were silent for some time, until a majestic river wind blew between our standing bodies. . Nanfeng took advantage of the situation and moved forward. She walked happily along the silver-white straight road leading to the lighthouse, and soon we came to the lighthouse.

Nanfeng and I stood here. The two ends of the silver-white cement road looked at each other. The sound of the river water lapping on the embankment was intermittently heard. Her body looked small as she walked far away, and the falling moonlight seemed to shine through her green floral dress that day. It flowed slowly. She didn't move for a long time, just standing facing my direction, so that for a while I couldn't tell whether she was also looking at me from a distance. The August Tongcheng River at night still made me cold. I was shivering a little, and my thin T-shirt could no longer resist the coldness. I started to call Nan Feng's name. In fact, I wanted to wait for her to respond before suggesting that she leave, but she seemed indifferent as if she didn't hear her. So I had to keep calling her name, one after another,

'South Wind - South Wind'!

I shouted louder and louder to make sure that the sound was enough to cover the hissing. Of course, Jiang Feng was biting harder and harder.

Finally, Nan Feng decided to walk towards me.

I thought about it countless times during the time we were apart from each other. The scene of calling Nanfeng that day and the way she walked towards me, every time I think about it, it makes me fall into a deeper quagmire of "I never understood Nanfeng". Nanfeng - Nanfeng. , this ordinary name reappeared in the image every time, resounding like a march of volunteers from beginning to end. It bombarded my eardrums just as clearly as the river water lapping the bank at that time, but when I tried to face it alone again When Void called out this name, it was hard to say it. From then on, these two words turned into "hope" trapped in Pandora's box and stuck to my mouth like that, unable to call it out with the same determination as that time. , I am annoyed by this, and what makes me even more confused is why the south wind behaves like that when it comes to me - it is simply the beginning of the scene of hell

The direction of the south wind. I came, walking along the center of the silver-white cement road, she put her hands behind her back and tied her long golden hair into a ponytail, and walked towards me. If the coldness wasn't getting stronger, then there must be something strange happening. Only then did I lock my shoulders even more. When the moonlight provided enough light to clearly show the outline of her body, Nanfeng took off the green floral dress. Only a moment later, Nanfeng took off her underwear at the same time. , she exposed herself to the moonlight like an orange with all white attachments removed. During this period, she always maintained the calmness of a migratory bird flying south.

My eyes met Nanfeng's naked body, and I felt timid. Her smooth naked body looked like a ghost against the dark blue river water that was ignored by her but confronting me.

"This is my Yangtze River and Qinling Mountains, and now it is yours too!"

Nanfeng clenched his fist and threw these words at me. It was from that moment that Nanfeng completely changed my mind. For a huge abyss of unknown. The plump breasts, the darkness between the legs, and the graceful curves of the woman I met for the first time expanded and contracted violently in front of me like a rioting heartbeat. The moonlight was bright, but there was darkness swarming in front of my eyes from all directions. It solidified and made me breathless, followed by a feeling of dizziness. I thought about my stuttering and O-shaped legs, which prevented me from entering the front of the world. At this time, there was undoubtedly a new vulgar force that stood between Nanfeng's naked body.

I fled. This kind of escape seems to be an instinctive expression of mine when a new aesthetic situation arises, a complete posture of a weak person. I ran away, abandoning the south wind and ignoring it. I took exaggerated steps and my body was extremely tight. I ran away from the moonlight, the river, the naked body, the space filled with infinite possibilities for the growth of all things, and the south wind that sprayed with unknown beauty. , the purple pea flowers in August flew behind me silently. When I finally ran back to the rental house, I leaned over and vomited happily.

After that day, I never saw the south wind for a long time. Soon after, summer vacation came to an end.