I am a university teacher, and I take care of my baby alone after divorce: Why do Kochi's parents want to raise a "school-tired baby"?

Coordinate | Xi 'an, Shaanxi

0 1 "Superman Mom" in others' eyes

I was born in a family where my parents were extremely at odds. Growing up with my grandmother, I feel insecure inside.

In order to get more love and see, I worked hard all the way, got excellent grades and decided my life by myself. I am strong and independent externally, but I have a strong sense of inferiority internally.

I am a very tangled person, both positive and shrinking, both brave to struggle and bear, and often self-doubt.

In terms of marriage, I chose to divorce three years ago and now I am single with my baby.

I have an 8-year-old daughter who lives with me in the city where I work. Our family and I live in two cities, and I take care of the baby while working alone.

I am a "superman mother" in the eyes of my friends.

In their eyes, I have to be busy with my work and my children, but I am still patient and gentle with my children, and my children are very good.

Even though I am busy, I still love life and have my own hobbies. Stick to running, fitness, yoga, zumba and various sports every day. I often read books in my spare time, which can be regarded as a mother with her own life.

Because I am more reliable, I am often praised by my children's teachers for being smart and capable, and asked me to help organize an activity, make a newspaper and sum up my experience.

However, this is what others think of me.

In the eyes of my children and me, I am a different person.

With the growth of children, I feel more and more pressure and challenges, and I am more and more irritable.

My daughter lacks initiative in her studies, and she is very annoyed with her homework. She is in no hurry to write, and she still drags her feet when she writes.

In the second grade of primary school, I often do my homework until ten o'clock in the evening.

She doesn't want to go to class, she just wants to play every day. She often says that she is too tired to go to school and her living habits are a bit bad. My daily life, eating and sleeping, and healthy habits all make me very worried and helpless.

My temper is getting worse and worse, and my relationship with my daughter is getting more and more tense.

I often fly into a rage and do many things I regret afterwards. I wonder what we will become in the future.

I fell into anxiety and panic that no one understood.

My relationship with my daughter used to be very good.

I have been taking care of her by myself since she was born. She hasn't left me for almost a long time, and I take care of everything.

There are two reasons for this.

First, when I was young, I lived with my grandmother for a long time. The relationship with my mother is always tense when I grow up, which is a big pain point in my heart.

Therefore, I decided from the beginning of my plan to have a baby: from the moment I was born, I must not let her be separated from her mother since childhood, and it will be difficult to get close to her when I grow up.

The second reason is quite helpless, even if you want to rely on others, there is no one around you to rely on.

Relations with family of origin are distorted. My mother can't and won't take care of my children for a long time.

After my ex-husband had a child, my city helped me, and my career was not smooth, plus the pace of both sides was out of sync.

In my eyes, he has become more and more enterprising, content with the status quo, and pushed most of the responsibilities of supporting the family and taking care of the children to me.

I have to choose to overdraw myself and pay too much.

My daughter and I grew up in conjoined twins for almost 24 hours.

Before she went to kindergarten, I took her almost all the time except in class.

My daughter was nicknamed "the baby who received higher education since childhood" by my colleagues. She followed me to participate in the thesis defense of several graduates.

She was cute and naughty at that time. I am full of patience with her and I am happy to spend my time and energy with her.

She is also very warm-hearted, and often confesses to me in various fancy ways, and she is a happy little partner with me.

I've become what I hate most.

Three years ago, when my ex-husband and I decided to divorce peacefully, I was full of longing and hope for the future life of myself and my daughter.

At first, as I expected, the life of single mother and daughter suddenly became much simpler and more regular.

When I'm not at work, I pick up my children on time. At work, my colleague and friend, who is also the mother of her classmate, will pick up two children together.

I think I can finally get my life back.

I returned to my pre-marital lifestyle—

Fitness, reading, have their own hobbies and friends circle;

Send children to extracurricular classes on weekends and take children and friends to travel during short holidays;

The long vacation will send the children to grandma's house and reunite with their parents and grandparents. ......

After the divorce, it seems that the years are quiet.

Of course, I also feel pressure and challenges: three meals a day, bathing the children, cleaning the room and so on, killing a lot of personal time.

Bought a series of household artifacts, sweeping robots, dishwashers, dryers and so on. I also invited my aunt to clean regularly.

I lower the standards and requirements for housework in order to take care of my life and keep my own time.

Everything seems to have a new balance.

Then, the child went to primary school, and the balance I tried to maintain was disrupted again.

After primary school, although the children did well, we were caught in an endless cycle of war.

I am stronger and more self-disciplined, and I am a person who demands more from myself. So I have higher expectations for taking care of adult children wholeheartedly.

More importantly, I have a very strong dissatisfaction with myself.

A few years before my divorce, I had a deep obsession and was often anxious about not living hard enough.

I had a deep expectation for myself, expecting that I could become a shining existence in my career and have a practical and happy family.

Now I can only score 60 points at work, and my work performance often makes me feel gloomy. My scientific research, social service and career promotion are all disappointing.

I especially hope that I can be a proud person and the mother of a proud child.

However, under the current professional evaluation system, I am on the verge of embarrassment and can only pretend to be a Buddha.

I can't resolve this dissatisfaction, which makes me nervous, and this tension is unconsciously passed on to my children.

My daughter did well at first, and then she slowly began to lose her chain.

She lacks self-confidence and shows an aversion to learning. She would say to me, "My grandma said you just wanted me to study, and I think grandma is right!" "

Even said: "I sometimes want to run away from home!" " "

I realized that there was something wrong with our relationship. As a mother who loves her children, I am ambivalent.

On the one hand, I try my best to give the best things to my children. On the other hand, I have high expectations and requirements for her.

When she relaxes, I will feel very strong disappointment and anger, and even go on the rampage under emotional impulse.

I became more and more anxious, my daughter became more and more inferior, hated studying, and began to rebel.

Finally, the most violent conflict broke out between us.

I nagged because she missed her homework that day. She was very upset and went back to her room, packed her suitcase and said that she would go to her grandmother's house on holiday.

This sentence completely angered me, and I threw her out with my luggage.

I painfully found that my relationship with my daughter may be as bad as my relationship with my mother.

I once believed that I would not be a mother like my mother, but every time I lost control, I found that I was more and more like my mother's.

This discovery scares me: can the lack of family origin only be a curse, passed down from generation to generation?

Why no matter how much I know, how many parenting books I have read and how rich my theoretical knowledge is, when the challenge comes and things happen, I can only let my emotions dominate me?

03 education is expensive? Try the price of ignorance.

Conflicts with my daughter have become more and more frequent, and I have fallen into an endless cycle of "anger-frustration-anger again" again and again.

I have made a lot of efforts-rereading the classic methods of parenting and participating in meditation practice to calm my mood, but my life has not improved significantly.

On the surface, life is calm, but inside, it is getting more and more confused.

When I can't accept myself now, I can't accept the relationship around me.

When I can't make peace with myself, I can't see and accept the real child. The harder I work, the more anxious I am. The more I pay for my children, the farther away my children are from me.

I pay special attention to her English enlightenment, from grinding her ears when she was a child, to reading English picture books when she was older, and then spending a lot of money on one-on-one foreign teacher classes for more than three years.

To this day, the English Niu Wa I expected did not appear. On the contrary, I have a child who hates English classes and decides that he doesn't like English.

Grievance? I am particularly wronged, but I have no time to be wronged.

The most important thing is to find harmony between us again.

I can't forget it, but there will be repercussions. I accidentally saw the course of "Anxious Mom Training Camp", and I was instantly hit-I was the anxious mom who looked calm but actually exploded with anxiety.

I signed up with the idea of wasting some time.

For more than ten days, I have been studying hard, actively practicing punching in, and trying to drive the partners in the group to study together.

The quiet change brought about by learning gives me the motivation to learn and sees hope.

I was surprised to find that people's mood can be fundamentally changed in just a few days.

For me, what is lacking is never information and knowledge, but the power to make the method fall to the ground.

Knowing a lot of truth can't lead a good life. Sometimes there is some distance between knowing and doing, and "practice" is the key.

The practice is very simple and simple-"just do it, what are you afraid of, you won't die."

It is extremely difficult to say that sometimes there is a huge difference between Qian Shan's "knowledge" and "behavior". It needs some reminders and promotion, and it takes countless efforts and attempts to take that step.

How much support I need to practice together!

After learning, I resolutely chose advanced learning.

As DerekBok, former president of Harvard University, said, "If you think education is expensive, try how expensive ignorance is."

Investment in education cannot be measured by money. A good parent can influence three generations.

If you can bring happiness to yourself, your children and even your children's children, then learning is definitely worthwhile!

I've only been promoted for a month, and now I'm the squad leader of 57 Self-confident Combat Battalion Elite 1 class.

Weekly online video watching classes, voice sharing, cram school punching, practice homework in an orderly way, and a group of like-minded positive energy partners go hand in hand.

Teachers' professional guidance, constant practice, and the friends in the elite class learn and communicate together, learn from each other about various parenting issues, and give advice to each other, which makes me calm down a lot.

I realized that my obsession with my grades made my daughter and I deviate from the track in affection.

She lacks confidence in herself and loses interest and positive feelings in her studies. She is disgusted. I was unaware of all this, and I tried my best to urge her to continue to destroy her interest, sense of accomplishment and sense of belonging.

I understand that learning is temporary, but learning is a lifelong thing.

Educating a child is not only for her to get into college, but also for cultivating her ability to be happy.

I seem to have changed my soul.

I began to attach importance to the emotional connection with my daughter, began to see and truthfully feedback her emotions, affirmed her, encouraged her to try, and helped her accumulate positive feelings and experiences.

My daughter has just entered the third grade this semester, and there is a very important change, that is, she needs to write with a pen.

Their head teacher is a Chinese teacher, paying special attention to the requirements of children's glyphs.

At the end of the second grade, my daughter was once full of fear of writing, because she often said that if she could not meet the teacher's requirements, she would be torn up by the teacher.

At that time, I was simple and rude, that is, I urged her to complete the teacher's requirements in various ways.

At the beginning of this semester, when she was writing, she was completely in fear. When she first did her homework, it took her two hours to write three words.

In the past, I may attach great importance to the results of my homework, and I will be angry because she can't even complete the basic requirements, and I will not pay attention to and channel my emotions at all.

After studying, I realized that I had asked too much of her before, which made her completely lose confidence. I need to stay with her and get back her lost confidence a little bit.

Therefore, in the face of my daughter's writing jam, I am not as eager to force her to finish it as before.

I took the initiative to contact the class teacher first, explained the child's situation clearly, and asked the teacher to give her some time and space to ease her daughter's nervousness.

The second time I did my homework, my daughter's condition was much better.

I also affirmed my daughter's progress in a new way: "I feel very happy to see you write more fluently today." You are making progress. You are a very savvy child and can write very well. "

The daughter said, "Mom, my soul seems to have changed. I especially like working with you recently. "

Hearing me affirm her like this, the teacher is more tolerant of her, and her daughter's psychological burden and pressure are reduced a lot.

By the time I wrote it for the third time, the progress was more obvious.

She finished writing a word in ten minutes. I was particularly surprised and gave her feedback in time: "How did you get so fast?" Mom didn't notice, you finished writing as soon as you turned around! "

She asked me, "How long did it take me to write a word?"

I said, "Mom was busy just now and didn't pay attention. Mom will write down a word for you and see how long it takes to finish writing a word. "

Since then, we have been playing games and writing every day.

Every time, she said, "I'll hurry up this time and see if I can challenge success and set a new record!" " "

Finally, she can write a word in three minutes, and her confidence is getting higher and higher.

In the short week of the third grade, my daughter has broken through the goal that the whole second grade has not completed-writing quickly and well.

Making children feel good is extremely important for their self-confidence, interest in learning, initiative and self-discipline!

The last week of this summer vacation was particularly difficult for me and my children.

Because she went to grandma's house as soon as the summer vacation was over, all the remedial classes were concentrated in ten days after returning home.

She felt too stressed. After our discussion, she asked me to accompany her to class and give her a hand when she felt difficult.

I readily agreed.

When my daughter was in class, I also put down my mobile phone and devoted myself to studying with her.

When my daughter feels that she has no motivation to persist, I will smile and give her a hug and strength.

When she is upset, I will stop preaching and criticizing, but see and affirm her mood, have another delicious meal, or do some interesting activities together, and then continue.

The mother and daughter, who have been jumping for homework, have become allies fighting side by side.

I used to be full of doubts about myself: why did I manage my marriage badly when I was a university teacher, and I also trained my children who have been with me into "children who are tired of learning"?

Now I understand that when I turn my efforts into full expectations, my children will be under great pressure. She was afraid that her mother would be unhappy if she couldn't do it well.

Learning interest and motivation are constantly consumed in fear and worry.

Parents' high education may give children rich knowledge resources, but only children who are seen, understood and affirmed by their parents can internalize external knowledge into internal motivation and interest.

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