Emotions and sorrows, hair and festivals; Calm down, calm down, calm down.

Emotions and sorrows, hair and festivals; Calm down, calm down, calm down.

-Shirley Van Dick "High EQ comes from practice"

In 2009, under the guidance of Mr. Fu, an old friend from Zhuhai, Lao He met the founder of Huang Tingchan and started his own meditation journey. During the study of Huangting Zen in Zhongling Mountain, Taipei, the lecturer Zhang Qingxiang personally explained the Confucian classic "The Doctrine of the Mean", in which the famous sentence "Emotions and sorrows are not in the middle table, but in the middle table, and the table is harmonious" has always made CSI unforgettable.

Baidu's explanation is that all kinds of emotions such as love, anger, sadness and joy generated in our hearts will not affect our view of things, and this state is called "middle"; When expressing opinions and emotions (about something) in an appropriate way, others will not feel uncomfortable, but at the same time, they can clearly express their views. This state is called "harmony". This old saying embodies the meaning of the mean and the mean. We often say that "too much is too late to go to extremes" is the meaning to be expressed above. On the opposite sides, don't go to extremes. To find the middle way is to find the identity of both sides of the contradiction, so we say that "the struggle of contradictions lies in the identity of contradictions."

Many years ago, Lao He once read an article. The author thinks that calm and emotional stability are the highest accomplishment of a person after enlightenment.

Wang Yangming believes that emotional stability is not a gift, but an ability that can be acquired through wisdom and practice.

Orison marden said in Capital of Life: At any time, people should not be slaves to their emotions, and all actions should not be subject to their emotions, but should be controlled in turn. No matter how bad the situation is, you should try to control your environment and save yourself from the darkness.

Recently, CSI learned Sherry Van Dick's "High Emotional Intelligence from Practice" in the column of get- Listening to this book every day, and felt that it was really an operational guide to practice emotional stability, which would definitely play an important role in cultivating his emotional balance ability, improving his emotional intelligence, establishing healthy and harmonious interpersonal relationships and realizing his dream of a happy life. It can also be said that it is one of the biggest gains of CSI 202 1. Very worthy of your interested friends to seriously study and think!

Shirley Van Dick, "High EQ comes from practice"

Author's brief introduction Sherry Van Dick is a psychologist and one of the active advocates of dialectical behavior therapy. In this book, combined with his practical experience, he explained the training course of high emotional intelligence based on dialectical behavior therapy in a simple way, and told you with science and experience that high emotional intelligence can be cultivated day after day.

Based on dialectical behavior therapy, this book can not only help you improve your ability to look at things objectively, but also guide you to deal with unbalanced emotions effectively, thus improving your emotional intelligence. In this book, the author focuses on two skills to improve EQ: emotional adjustment skills and interpersonal skills.

The core content of this book mainly includes three aspects: first, the methodological background of the high emotional intelligence training course-dialectical behavior therapy; Second, how to improve their emotional adjustment ability; Third, how to improve your interpersonal skills.

order

Hello, welcome to listen to a book every day. This issue is about "High EQ comes from practice". The Chinese version of this book is about 250,000 words. I will tell you the essence of this book in 26 minutes: what can I do to become a person with high emotional intelligence.

There is a famous saying about the important role of EQ in the development of life: "A person's achievement depends on IQ 20% and EQ 80%." Because people with high emotional intelligence are often calm, good at communication, comfortable in interpersonal relationships, and can quickly achieve their goals in life. However, there is often a misunderstanding about how to improve EQ, that is, people generally think that "the so-called high EQ means speaking well". In this book, the author clearly points out that improving emotional intelligence is not just learning to say good things.

In English, the abbreviation of EQ is EQ, and the word corresponding to the letter e is emotion, which translates into emotion. Therefore, the literal translation of EQ actually refers to a person's "emotional IQ". If you search Baidu for the explanation of emotional intelligence, you will find that improving emotional intelligence is actually turning uncontrollable emotions into controllable emotions, thus enhancing your ability to understand others and get along with others. The author also mentioned in this book that the most basic thing to improve emotional intelligence is to do emotional management well. This is also the reason why the original English name of this book is "Don't TaletyYourEducation SrunyourLifetime".

The author of this book is a Canadian psychologist named Sherry Van Dick, who is one of the main promoters of "dialectical behavioral therapy", and dialectical behavioral therapy is also the theoretical basis of this book. This therapy was put forward by Dr. Martha Linehan, an outstanding psychologist at the University of Washington. So far, it has been used by many psychologists all over the world to solve patients' emotional problems, and it plays a very important role in clinical psychotherapy. Dr. Martha Linehan applied dialectical behavior therapy and established a high emotional intelligence training course popular in American universities to teach people how to understand and manage their emotions. Now, this course has become the most sought-after EQ training course for Ivy League universities such as Harvard University, MIT and Stanford University. In this book, the author explains the high EQ training course founded by Dr. Martha Linehan in a simple way according to his practical experience and dialectical behavior therapy, and introduces many skills about improving EQ. This book is very operational, and it has just been published in the United States, and it has won thousands of praises. In this book, the author will mainly tell you two skills that you must master to improve your EQ.

After introducing the basic situation of this book and the author's brief introduction, I will tell you three key contents in the book. The first key content: the methodological background of high emotional intelligence training course, dialectical behavior therapy. The second key content: how to improve your emotional adjustment ability. The third key content: how to improve your interpersonal skills.

first part

Now let's talk about the first key content: the methodological background of the high emotional intelligence training course-dialectical behavior therapy.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy was founded by Dr. Martha Linehan, an outstanding psychologist at Washington University. Based on the basic principles of dialectics, it emphasizes the dialectical balance and coordination between rationality and sensibility, acceptance and change. Dialectical behavioral therapy has achieved remarkable results in treating anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression and a series of problems characterized by emotional out-of-control and behavioral out-of-control. Not only can it help you improve your ability to look at things comprehensively and objectively, but it can also help you effectively deal with unbalanced emotions, thus improving your emotional intelligence.

As dialectical behavioral therapy has always been a very effective treatment method in international clinical psychology practice and occupies an important position in clinical psychology, in 2009, in order to make this therapy available to more ordinary people, three authoritative scholars, Dr. matthew mckay, Dr. Jeffrey C. Wood and Dr. Jeffrey Brantley, M.D., jointly compiled the book Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This book is regarded as the best self-help book for obsessive-compulsive disorder and borderline personality disorder in America. It contains many self-emotional test links, which is very instructive and targeted. The book "High Emotional Intelligence comes from Practice" that we are going to interpret today can be said to be a practical version of dialectical behavioral therapy. In this book, the author mainly talks about two skills in dialectical behavior therapy: how to improve emotional adjustment skills and interpersonal skills.

the second part

Now let's talk about the second key content: how to improve your emotional adjustment ability.

In life, you may encounter such a situation, because you can't control your emotions well, so when you are depressed, you often say something offensive, so that people around you gradually alienate you and think you are a person with low emotional intelligence and difficult to get along with. From this perspective, the fundamental reason for your low EQ is that you can't control your emotions well, which leads to your inability to get along with others. Therefore, the author says that the first step in training EQ is to improve your emotional adjustment ability. What do we do? Is there any effective way to improve our ability to adjust our emotions? Of course there is. But before you talk about methods, you need to know what emotions are and how they affect you.

The basic state of emotions can be divided into joy, anger, sadness, joy and other forms. But emotions are not that simple. In this book, the author says that emotions can actually be divided into two types: primary emotions and derivative emotions. Primitive emotion refers to your instinctive reaction to an event, and you can't change it. For example, when it thunders, you are instinctively afraid. Derived emotions are caused by your thoughts, and are your feelings after processing the original emotions. For example, when it thunders, you are afraid, but you dare not tell others that you are afraid of thunder, because it will make you feel ashamed. At this time, "fear" is your original emotion, and "shame" is your derivative emotion. If you behave abnormally under special circumstances, it is actually because you are controlled by your own derived emotions.

Let's give a more vivid example to see how derivative emotions affect your behavior. For example, on your way home, a car suddenly changed lanes and was speeding. In an instant, you feel very dangerous, even a little scared, and start to steer to avoid the car. But after a few seconds, you think the other person must have done it on purpose, so your fear immediately turned into anger, which led to aggression, began to chase the car in front of you crazily, and finally led to rear-end collision. In this example, your original emotion is the fear and fear after being surpassed by others, while the derived emotion is your own anger that "the other person must have done it on purpose", so the more you think about it, the more angry you get, and you plan to answer blows with blows. It can be seen that derived emotions are the chief culprit that leads you to make unreasonable behaviors. Therefore, the key to managing emotions is to learn to control your own derivative emotions and not let them interfere with your judgment on things.

After understanding the two categories of emotions and the influence of derived emotions on your behavior. Here's a detailed introduction to how to adjust your derivative emotions. The author mentioned four skills.

The first skill: train the ability of self-concern and get rid of thoughts and emotions. Self-concern refers to paying attention to what you are doing now, and trying not to make subjective judgments about what has happened, so as not to trigger negative derivative emotions and affect your mood. Training self-concern ability can help you get rid of the control of derivative emotions.

Let's take an example first to see what kind of consequences will be caused by lack of self-concern. A lady missed a very important meeting because she was late for work. This incident made her feel so guilty that she regretted it all day, and even sent an important email by mistake because of absentmindedness, which led to her losing an important project. From this example, we can see that people who lack self-concern are often immersed in the pain of the past and are troubled by the emotions of the past. Just like this lady, she paid too much attention to what had happened and didn't focus on what she wanted to do now, which led to such serious consequences as losing important projects.

So, how to train your self-concern ability? Dialectical behavior therapy mentions a skill that can help you get rid of negative emotions. The core of mastering this skill is to use your imagination to visualize your thoughts and emotions and imagine that they are leaving you in some way before hurting you. For example: imagine you are sitting on the grass and watching your thoughts and emotions drift away with the clouds; For example, imagine you are sitting by a stream and watching your thoughts and emotions drift away with the fallen leaves; For another example, imagine that you write your thoughts and emotions on the beach and watch them be washed away by the waves. Only by not indulging in the pain of the past can we greatly reduce the probability of derivative emotions.

The second skill: observe yourself without judgment and be good at using coping thoughts. In life, have you ever noticed such a scene: when some people are angry and hurt, the most common thing they do is to judge the people or things that cause their negative emotions, amplify the pain, and finally lead to emotional out of control. For example, if you do something wrong, you will easily deny yourself and think you are incompetent; If the other person does something wrong, he will feel guilty. The key skill of high EQ training class is acceptance and change, which can help you to adjust your mood successfully. Tagore said, "If you cry because you miss the sun, you will also miss the stars." Therefore, if you want to improve your emotional intelligence, you must be practical, don't make subjective judgments on objective things, and don't be too entangled in your own mistakes. Dialectical behavioral therapy believes that two obviously contradictory things may both be correct. The most important dialectical thought is to accept yourself without any judgment while changing destructive behavior, so that you can live a healthier life.

For example, Jim lost the watch that his girlfriend gave him. When he first found his watch lost, he was furious and felt careless and an idiot. The idea made him feel more and more sad about his lost watch. In this example, Jim thinks he is an idiot. This type of thinking is called trigger thinking, which will trigger or lead to Jim's more painful emotions. The author says that the idea of triggering often makes people feel emotional. Typical trigger thoughts are: "I can't do anything well", "I'm a loser", "Nobody cares about me" and "I don't trust anyone". If the trigger thought continues to occupy your attention and make you feel pain, it will become a powerful negative energy in your life. What do we do? What should you do when you have the idea of triggering?

The author mentioned two points. First, when a bad thing happens, don't make any judgment on it, learn to accept the reality and avoid triggering ideas from the root. Secondly, when triggering thoughts brings you negative emotions, actively use coping thoughts to calm your emotions. For example, in the event that Jim lost his watch, the idea of "feeling like an idiot" made him feel very depressed, but later, when he comforted himself with the idea that "mistakes are inevitable and no one is perfect", he felt much more relaxed. Therefore, when you have negative emotions, you can find some powerful and positive coping thoughts to remind yourself of your strength and past success. I suggest you write them down and put them where you can see them at any time, so that you can remind yourself when facing difficulties. The more frequently you examine these self-affirming thoughts, the sooner they will become an integral part of your thinking process. Common coping ideas are: "I can survive this time" and "this situation is very bad, but it is only temporary". Similarly, when someone else does something that makes you uncomfortable, you can also think about what he used to be good to you with coping thinking.

The third skill: learn to think in a balanced way. When you can concentrate on what you are doing now and not judge events, the next thing to exercise is your balanced thinking mode. Balanced thinking refers to trying to achieve the integration of rationality and sensibility without considering emotional factors. The author says whether balanced thinking is the gold standard to judge the level of emotional intelligence.

Let's take an example to see how people with balanced thinking make decisions when facing a thing. Xiao Li is very busy at work, while other colleagues are more leisure. But at this time, the boss arranged a new task for Xiao Li. Xiao Li felt bullied by her boss. He felt unfair and wronged. He was so angry that he wanted to yell at the boss, quit his job and turned away. However, Xiao Li did not do this, but chose to grit his teeth until he calmed down, and then tried to communicate with his boss, because Xiao Li clearly knew that if he did that, he would lose his job and income.

In this example, Xiao Li's way of thinking is a balanced way of thinking. People who think about balance will give priority to their long-term goals and make the most effective decisions. So, how should we exercise our ability of balanced thinking? In this book, the author mentioned a little trick, that is: when you can't do it, imagine how you would persuade a friend if he was in a similar situation.

The fourth skill: dealing with emotional crisis. Even if you do the above three things well, you will still encounter strong emotions that you cannot control. We call this situation an emotional crisis. The author gives three skills to deal with emotional crisis successfully.

First of all, you can imagine yourself as a friend in the same situation, have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself, and write a letter to yourself from the perspective of others, talking about what wrong ways you have taken to deal with emotions recently and encouraging yourself to make changes. Secondly, you can try to divert your attention, make a comfort list for yourself and think about what you can do to cheer yourself up. Finally, you should make a crisis plan for yourself, which includes: what caused your emotional crisis, what you usually do when you are in an emotional crisis, what you can try to do to divert your attention, and so on.

One of the biggest reasons why emotional crisis is easy to get out of control is that people generally don't make a response plan for it in advance, which means you can only turn back to those old, simple and inappropriate solutions. But if you can use the above three skills and plan ahead, you can greatly improve your chances of successfully handling emotional crisis.

This is the second thing I want to tell you today: how to improve your emotional adjustment ability. In this part, the author mainly introduces the influence of emotions on people and four effective skills to manage emotions. The author thinks that emotions can be divided into two kinds: primary emotions and derivative emotions, and the reason why your EQ is low is often because you are often controlled by your derivative emotions and make inappropriate behaviors, which leads to the breakdown of your interpersonal relationship. Therefore, the key to improve EQ lies in how to manage and control their own derivative emotions and prevent them from growing wildly. Here, the author mentioned four key skills to adjust emotions: first, learn to pay attention to yourself, focus on what you are doing now, and don't be bothered by past thoughts; Second, criticize less, accept more, be practical, and learn to use coping ideas; Third, focus on your long-term goals and use the thinking mode of balanced thinking to make decisions; Fourth, when you encounter an emotional crisis, you should make a good response plan for yourself in advance and plan ahead.

the third part

Next, let's talk about today's third key content: how to improve your interpersonal skills.

The author says that being able to manage one's emotions well is the premise of improving interpersonal skills. Why do you say that? Because the quality of personal emotions often affects the quality of your interpersonal relationship. For example, if you are in a good mood today, your interpersonal relationship will be harmonious; If you are in a bad mood today, then your interpersonal relationship may follow. Therefore, in order to make your interpersonal relationship more harmonious, in addition to mastering the methods of emotional management, you need to improve your interpersonal skills through some skills. What the hell should I do? The author mentioned two points in this book: first, how to maintain the existing interpersonal relationship. Second, how to broaden future interpersonal relationships.

First, how to maintain the existing interpersonal relationship.

If you have been in contact with sales, you must have heard the saying, "It is better to develop ten new customers than to maintain one old customer." In my opinion, making friends is the same. Maintaining existing interpersonal relationships is much more efficient than blindly making new friends. The most important thing to maintain the existing interpersonal relationship is to master effective communication skills. The author says that people with high emotional intelligence are using the same communication method, which is called autonomous communication. People who communicate in this way can not only express their views properly, but also know how to put themselves in others' shoes, respect others and respect themselves. So, what can ordinary people do to master the skills of autonomous communication? The author mentioned four points in the book.

The first point: when expressing emotions, replace the "you" at the beginning with "I". The advantage of this is that it can remind you to pay attention to yourself and concentrate on describing your feelings in order to gain the understanding of the other party. For example, when you want to say "You make me so angry that I don't want to talk to you anymore", you can change it to "I feel angry and I want to be quiet for a while". Although these two sentences express the same emotion, if you say it in the second way, the other person will not think you are condemning him and will naturally listen.

The second point: when you speak, try to put the part that expresses your feelings first. For example, "I'm sorry to hear that" is better than "I'm sorry to hear that". Although there seems to be no difference between the two, the first statement means that you will be responsible for your emotions, while the second statement means that you will blame your negative emotions on the other side.

The third point: when negotiating with people, speak neither soft nor hard. For example, a girl promised her sister to stay at home for a few more days in the summer vacation, but she felt very lost because she had to leave early because of something temporary. At this time, the best communication skills are: on the one hand, to understand my sister's lost mood and apologize for her decision, on the other hand, to express her truest thoughts and feelings frankly. When communicating, don't be too soft on Nuo Nuo and don't be too aggressive.

Fourth, learn to listen actively and find the needs of others. As we all know, good communication goes both ways. Active listening includes not only listening, but also feedback. The author says that good communication bears the responsibility of truly understanding each other, and the ultimate goal of communication is to make changes. The standard of active listening is to understand each other's needs and give effective feedback.

For example, in the process of communicating with each other, if you can't accurately understand each other's feelings and wishes. You can just ask him, "I don't quite understand what you mean. Can you explain it again? " "What changes do you think we should make in this situation?" The more active you ask, the more you know, and the more capable you are of finding a win-win solution. If you want to listen actively, you can refer to the following three points. First, try not to interrupt others when they are talking; Secondly, don't judge other people's language at will; Finally, on the basis of not violating your own values and moral standards, recognize each other in time and give feedback to let them know that you are not only listening, but also understanding what he said.

Second, how to broaden future interpersonal relationships.

Some people tend to choose autism when their emotions are too intense to escape the concern of all their relatives and friends; Others are used to venting their emotions in inappropriate ways, such as taking out their friends and letting them drift away from themselves. Both situations will lead to a result, that is, you become lonely and lonely. So, when your social circle is narrow, what should you do to broaden your interpersonal relationship? Next, let's talk about two ways to broaden interpersonal relationships.

The first method: you can consider repairing an old friendship. Most people may have had this experience. My good friend and I had an argument over something, and then we gradually alienated each other. If you have ever felt sorry and sad for the end of this friendship, what you have to do now is to try to be kind to each other, make the situation clear at that time and show your true thoughts, because it takes much less time and energy to save a friendship than to make a new friend.

The second method: You can try to develop your social relationship through a wide range of people in your social circle. For example, a man who is engaged in the IT industry has not talked about his girlfriend until he is 30 years old because he usually has less contact. In order to improve his chances of falling in love, he began to try to get along with a colleague with a wide range of friends. He believes that as long as he can establish a good friendship with this colleague, he can indirectly expand his social circle through this colleague. So, he began to take the initiative to chat with this colleague, often eating together and traveling together. As a result, driven by this colleague, he not only made many friends from all walks of life, but also really succeeded in making his favorite girlfriend. How's it going? Is this example enlightening? Therefore, if you want to expand your social circle, but you can't start, you might as well use the strength of others to develop your friendship.

This is the third thing I want to tell you today. If you want to improve your interpersonal skills, you can start from two aspects. On the one hand, we should maintain the existing interpersonal relationship, on the other hand, we should broaden our future interpersonal relationship. On how to maintain the existing interpersonal relationship, the key lies in mastering the following communication skills. First of all, when expressing emotions, replace the "you" with "I" at the beginning, and try to put the part expressing feelings first, so that the other person feels that you are expressing feelings, not blaming him. Secondly, when negotiating with others, don't be too soft or too hard, master proper limit, and let the other party understand yourself on the basis of making a stand. Finally, learn to listen actively, understand each other's needs and give effective feedback. As for how to broaden the future interpersonal relationship, we should not only master the communication skills mentioned above, but also refer to these two methods.

First, find ways to repair the former friendship;

Second, develop your social relations through others.

abstract

So much for this book. Let's sum up what we can do to become a person with high emotional intelligence.

The first main content: Dialectical behavioral therapy, as the methodological background of high EQ training course, emphasizes the dialectical balance and coordination between rationality and sensibility, acceptance and change. This is a very effective and mature treatment method in international clinical psychology practice. It can not only help people learn dialectical thinking methods and improve their ability to look at things comprehensively and objectively, but also help you effectively improve your ability to cope with emotional disorders and abnormal behavior. In this book, two skills in dialectical behavioral therapy, namely, emotional adjustment skills and interpersonal skills, are applied to help you improve your emotional intelligence.

The second main content: the basis of improving emotional intelligence is to learn to manage your emotions without being controlled by them. On how to manage emotions, the author mentioned four skills:

First, learn to pay attention to yourself, focus on what you are doing now, use your imagination to keep negative emotions away from yourself and avoid being immersed in the pain of the past;

Second, criticize less, accept more, talk about the matter, avoid inducing derivative emotions, and use coping thoughts in time;

Third, think in a balanced thinking mode, focus on your long-term goals, and not be influenced by current emotions;

Fourth, when you encounter an emotional crisis, you should make a response plan for yourself in advance and prepare for it.

The third main content: After learning emotional management, you need to master some skills to effectively improve your interpersonal skills.

First of all, you can use the following four communication skills to maintain existing interpersonal relationships. For example, when expressing emotions, replace the "you" at the beginning with "I"; For example, try to put the part of expressing feelings in front, so that the other person feels that you are expressing yourself, not blaming him; For example, when negotiating with others, you should not only ask Nuo Nuo or be aggressive; For another example, we should learn to listen actively and give effective feedback to each other to achieve a win-win situation.

Secondly, there are two ways to broaden your future relationships. The first way is to find a way to repair the previous friendship; The second way is to develop your social relations through others.

Finally, we must remember that high EQ is not born, but can be cultivated. I hope these skills mentioned today can help you.

Author: Quiet

Brain map: Moses

Report: Gu Yifei