What are the jokes?

There were three people in the family, named Robber, Kitchen Knife and Trouble respectively.

One day, Trouble disappeared. The robber came to the Public Security Bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police: "Hello, I am Robber, I brought a kitchen knife to look for trouble."

Heehee and Haha were good friends, very good friends.

One day, Haha died. Heehee was very good. Sad, he walked to Haha's grave and said: "Haha, you are dead."

One day, an elephant was walking in the forest and accidentally touched an ant nest covered with ants. The ants on the body were shaken off, but there was still one on the elephant's neck. At this time, the ants on the ground shouted to the ants above: strangle it... strangle it...

Three mice are bragging. One said: "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." The other said: "I love walking down the street twice a day, otherwise I can't sleep well." The third mouse said: "Oh my God. It’s late, go home and hug the cat to sleep.”

The couple was fighting for a child, and the wife said confidently: “If the child comes out of my belly, of course it belongs to me!” The husband said: “That’s a joke! Eight ways. Can the money taken out of the cash machine belong to the one who inserts the card?

The Chinese zodiac signs are also very popular among Westerners Interesting topic, everyone wants to find out what animal they belong to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belonging to" are often confused.

One day he said excitedly to the secretary girl: " You belong to the pig. "

In Chinese, "female" or "male" is used to describe the gender of animals. This was too difficult for Hemingway, because in English, male can be used to describe both humans and animals. Or female.

One night Hemingway was walking with her dog on the street. When she saw me, she proudly introduced to me, "This is my female dog." ”

Hard hat

In addition to driving a car, Hemingway usually likes to ride a motorcycle, saying it is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He answered: It doesn’t matter, I I know how to wear a condom. He originally meant "safety helmet".

Quantifier

The quantifier in Chinese also gave Hemingway a big headache. It's "a good-looking man." When asked what he meant, he said: "A good-looking man means a thin, tall, and good-looking man. He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "a good man" should of course be a good-looking man.

Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the highway. . I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he retorted with a serious expression that it was definitely a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by the car, and the crushed puppy naturally turned into a puppy, so Just like a piece of paper or a photo.

In addition, Hemingway plausibly defended things like "a pair of trousers" because trousers have two legs, and two are a pair. That's right. I even argue with Chinese people, insisting that it should be "a set of butts", which sounds very funny.

All kinds of "juice"

Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Wring out the ___ juice"

The result is:

"Wring out the ink", "Wring out the milk", " "Wring out the juice", "Wring out the soup".

Ha! "You are really 'racking your brains' and you didn't come up with 'racking your brains'

There is a mother who said to her child The girl said: "If someone sexually harasses you, touch the top and say "no" and touch the bottom and say "stop"!"

The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying and said to her mother, After hearing what the little girl said, the mother said angrily: "Did you reject that person?"

The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "Touch that person up and down together. So I said, "Don't stop!"

Ge Liang is a man who is proficient in the eight arts, one of which is ventriloquism. But on this day, Zhuge Liang and Liu Bei were discussing things in the tent. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid that Liu Bei would hear him, so he was embarrassed. He had an idea and said: "My lord, in order to adjust the atmosphere, how about I imitate the woodpecker call and call it to you?" Liu Bei nodded.

Zhuge Liang imitated a woodpecker and called twice, taking the opportunity to fart.

Then he asked: "How is it, my lord? Do I learn it the same way?" Liu Bei said: "You can learn it again. You farted so loudly just now that I didn't hear it."

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It was the first time for a primary school student to participate in the school's recitation competition. He was very nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweaty. It was finally her turn.

The primary school student gritted his teeth and walked to the center of the stage in a few steps: "Teachers and classmates, the title of my recitation is: The red leaves are crazy (maple)..."~~·#￥* *......

When I was still a primary school student, I was particularly envious when I saw my classmates who were asked by the teacher to read their compositions. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read them once. The opportunity finally came.

"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"

The primary school student stood up and said: ""My Teacher". Teacher, I am so much like you. "My mother...": (

This time it was a poorly trained host of a song and dance troupe.

In a performance, I rushed on stage without preparing properly. .

The performance continued

It was her turn to announce: "Friends in the audience, please listen to Duzi's flute playing..." (Note: "Duzi" means an insult in Northeastern dialect)

The audience was overwhelmed·#￥-

My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.

My sister saw it when she came home during the Chinese New Year, and happily said to my mother: "Hey! Mom, this is so green..."

My mother and I both I laughed.

There is a neighbor I call "Auntie" who rides a bicycle to work every day.

When I met her at the door early in the morning, I smiled and said politely: "Go up." Girl, the senior class..."

Bah!...I wanted to bite my tongue off at that time.

A female classmate was feeling pity for herself one day. Suddenly he turned to the person behind him and said: "Is my chest hair beautiful?"

Shocked, he said again: "Oh, I wanted to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."

Everyone stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem...

I took my son to feed the ducks. He was giving bread crumbs to the ducks and running around chasing them. I was holding his apple behind. Chase him (he doesn't like to eat, so I can only give him a few bites when he is distracted). He keeps running, and I keep calling him: "Come here and take a bite of the apple before chasing the duck!" Repeating this sentence, I finally shouted out: "Come here and have a bite of duck..." and then stopped the brake very smartly.

I remember that when I was in elementary school, there was a text called. In the middle of the story, the author turned around a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in the middle of the mountain. When one of my female classmates read it aloud, she also said it with great emotion: Turning around the mountain, I was stunned. A rag hanging from the mountain. On the mountain...

The whole class was shocked.

There is also a sentence from a Russian writer's novel: The houses here are all masters. (referring to the rich).

As a result, one of my male classmates read: The houses here belong to the old men. As soon as he finished speaking, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: What about the old ladies? Where does Erdu live?

Zhuge Liang is a man who is proficient in all kinds of skills, one of which is ventriloquism. But that day, Zhuge Liang was discussing things with Liu Bei in the tent, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.

I was afraid that Liu Bei would hear him. He had an idea and said, "My lord, in order to lighten the atmosphere, how about I call you a woodpecker?"

Zhuge Liang nodded. The imitating woodpecker called twice and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked: "How is it, my lord? Do I learn it the same way?" Liu Bei said: "You can learn it again. You farted so loudly just now that I didn't hear it."

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Electrical Appliances holds a joke-telling contest, stipulating that each appliance must tell a joke and make every audience laugh, otherwise they will be arrested and sent to Aruba.

The first person to appear was the washing machine. As soon as he finished telling the joke, the whole audience laughed.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say: "It's so cold~~~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

The smartest computer came next. As soon as he finished telling his joke, all the household appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say again: "It's so cold~~~"

So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous lamp. Desk Lamp finished telling the joke very confidently, and everyone was rolling on the ground laughing.

The rice cooker said again: "It's so cold~~~"

Just when the lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned his head He said to the refrigerator sitting behind him: "I've had enough. Just smile and don't open your mouth so wide. It's very cold!"

Electrical appliances hold a joke telling contest and stipulate that each appliance must Tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or you'll be arrested and taken to Aruba.

The first person to appear was the washing machine. As soon as he finished telling the joke, the whole audience laughed.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say: "It's so cold~~~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

The smartest computer came next. As soon as he finished telling his joke, all the household appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say again: "It's so cold~~~"

So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous lamp. Desk Lamp finished telling the joke very confidently, and everyone was rolling on the ground laughing.

The rice cooker said again: "It's so cold~~~"

Just when the lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned his head He said to the refrigerator sitting behind him: "I've had enough. Just smile and don't open your mouth so wide. It's very cold!"

Electrical appliances hold a joke telling contest and stipulate that each appliance must Tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or you'll be arrested and taken to Aruba.

The first person to appear was the washing machine. As soon as he finished telling the joke, the whole audience laughed.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say: "It's so cold~~~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

The smartest computer came next. As soon as he finished telling his joke, all the household appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say again: "It's so cold~~~"

So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous lamp. Desk Lamp finished telling the joke very confidently, and everyone was rolling on the ground laughing.

The rice cooker said again: "It's so cold~~~"

Just when the lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned his head Said to the refrigerator sitting behind him: "I've had enough. Just smile and don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"

Ugly Child

A woman Holding a child on the bus. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said: "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!"

The angry woman walked to the last row, sat down, and said to a man next to her: "This driver just insulted me!"

The man replied: "Hurry up and settle the score with him, and I will hold this ugly monkey for you!..."

Talk Bad Mandarin Jokes

1. The fish seller shouted at the top of his lungs: "Fish, fish." A date seller next to him was not to be outdone, and immediately shouted: "Oops ( Jujube, jujube. "Fish." The two quarreled.

2. The director of a township enterprise is about to visit Kobe, Japan. He cannot even speak Mandarin and usually only speaks dialects. So he asked his subordinates to find a translator. The subordinates came back and reported: "None of the Japanese translators can understand the factory director's dialect." The factory director said: "This is easy to handle. We will bring a teacher from this town and ask him to translate our dialect into Mandarin first." The subordinate said: "It's not possible yet. When we get to Japan, we have to hire someone to translate the Japanese dialect into Mandarin." 'Putonghua' is translated as the dialect of Kobe. "

3. A foreigner with a strong dialect got lost in the city. When he saw a gentle lady approaching, he went up to him and asked: " Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss..." Before she could finish her words, the lady's face turned red with anger.

4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and asked the waitress: "How much does it cost to sleep for one night (a bowl of dumplings)?" When the waiter heard this, his expression changed drastically and he said sharply: " Rogue!" When the southerners heard this, they said: "It's only six cents, cheap, come one night (bowl)"

5. A pair of farmer brothers and sisters used a cart to pull wheat to the market to sell. A southerner came to their brother and sister and asked, "Brother, how do you sell your little sister (wheat)?" The eldest brother was so angry that veins popped out on his forehead.

6. Uncle Niu was shouting: "We are selling mooncakes, four yuan for ten." Many people gathered around to buy the "cheap" mooncakes. When they paid, they realized that the old man's mooncakes were Four for ten bucks.

7. The elderly in the nursing home held a party on the night of the Mid-Autumn Festival. The host, Mrs. Wang, said: "Everyone, the performance has begun (started). Please be quiet."

8 A northerner asked where the "cable car" was in a park in Guangzhou. He searched for it according to the answer and found the "men's toilet".

9. In the early morning of the first day after a couple got married, the family got up and washed their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law: "Mother-in-law, please wash (wash) first." After that, the bride said again He said to the groom: "My mother-in-law is dead, how about you die?" After a pause, he said, "My mother-in-law and you are both dead, and I will die last." After hearing this, the mother-in-law turned pale and could not say a word. The bride then said: "Mother-in-law, why are you not dead yet?"

10. An old Putian woman was selling sugar cane on the roadside. A bus stopped and a foreigner in the car came to the old woman's stall. I bought sugar cane before. I had just weighed the sugar cane and before I paid, the car started. The old lady urged: "Hurry up, give me your money, and I will marry you (sugar cane)." The outsider was so frightened that he didn't even take the sugar cane and quickly got into the car.

11. A country girl came to the supermarket, and the waiter greeted her enthusiastically: "Miss, what do you want?" The girl said: "I want your life (noodles), pig sun (bamboo shoots)."< /p>

12. Chunhua met a friend who was shopping with her son. She hurriedly came up to say hello and praised: "This little wolf boy (boy) is so cute."

13. 1 It was class in a rural primary school, and the teacher walked into the classroom: "Stand (on) class." The students said in unison: "Good old and die (teacher)!" The teacher said: "Students who vomit blood, good on their death (on) early!"

14. Two country girls came back from the city. It was getting late. When they saw a truck approaching, they waved to the truck. The driver stuck his head out and one of the girls said: "Comrade, we can do this." (Sit in) your wife (car)?" The driver said angrily: "Who wants you to be my wife?" The other girl quickly said: "It doesn't matter, we are very close." The driver was very angry. The car drove away, and I thought: "Who will go with you personally?"

15. The village chief said at the village meeting: "Rabbits, shrimps, pickles are too expensive, I don't want pickles, I want pigs." Hoof. "Translated from his dialect into Mandarin: Comrades and fellow villagers, this is a meeting, don't talk, please pay attention.

When my friend and I first moved, there was no TV at home and we were very bored. We pretended there was a TV on the table, and then the two of us pretended to have remote controls in our hands and could change the channel. This bastard kept changing the channel. I told him, but he didn't listen, and then we started fighting.

The teacher asked Xiao Ming a question in class, but Xiao Ming stood up but remained silent.

Teacher: Xiao Ming?

Teacher: Xiao Ming

Teacher: Xiao Ming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer? At least give it a squeak!

Xiao Ming: Zhi~

Three little rabbits poop

The first one is long.

The second one is spherical.

The third one is actually triangular.

Asked, it replied: I squeezed it with my hands.

The cow called the sheep,

the sheep asked: "Who are you?"

The cow said: "I cow"

The sheep Question: Damn, who are you?

Niu: Damn, I cow

Zhu Bajie was making out with Chang'e on the moon. Suddenly a black shadow passed by. Zhu Bajie hurriedly chased out with a rake.

He came back after a while and said: Damn it, Yang Liwei...

A man raised a parrot, which was so powerful that all the other birds that were kept with it were killed by it. .

Later the owner brought back a hawk and rested it with it. When the owner came to take a look, there were parrot feathers hanging outside the cage.

The master said: "I won't do it this time."

But after a closer look, I saw that the eagle was dead, and the parrot was naked and said: "This grandson It's so awesome, I can't beat Ya Ting without taking off my shirt."

The prisoner was executed. Due to the poor quality of the bullet, the first shot didn't go off, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried, hugged the bailiff's thigh and said: Brother, strangle me to death! It’s so fucking scary...

Have you ever heard the joke “Big Pig says yes, little pig says no”, most people will answer no

I recommend it to the original poster Several classic Flash!

1. Bullying Miss 1860

Watching address: /watch/391743.html

5. Classic pig dialogue

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Viewing address: /b/16505519-1555734242.html

Today I was playing CS in an Internet cafe. Not far away, there were two non-mainstream players playing Jin5, and they were clicking the keyboard! I was very unhappy!

So, I also started pressing the keyboard! I pressed hard! I pressed harder! I pressed faster than them! It was louder than them!

They couldn’t help but watch. I came over and I deliberately glanced at them contemptuously! Their expressions changed and they glared at me fiercely! I immediately stared back!

They continued to play Jin 5 with livid faces, but the sound exceeded Me!

How could I be willing to do so? So, I simply slapped the keyboard with the palm of my hand! Slap it hard! Slap it hard!

Those two guys didn’t seem to be interested at all5 Now, I started hitting the keyboard! The sound was louder than mine again!

How could I give up? Immediately hit the keyboard with my fist! Hit it hard! Hit it hard!

Those two people Looking at each other, we started to hit the keyboard! The sound surpassed me again! I didn’t give up! I ripped off the keyboard and threw it directly to the ground! I stepped on it hard! I stepped on it hard!

All the Internet cafes Everyone gave me the warmest applause! The two non-mainstream people were dumbfounded and at a loss!

However, under my provocative eyes, they also became angry! They also pulled me away I took off the keyboard! I threw it on the ground and trampled it to pieces! Then they looked at me provocatively!

At this time, the network administrators of the Internet cafe surrounded them! One network administrator looked at it and was trampled by them. The crappy keyboard was slapped in the face! Then the network administrators swarmed up and beat up the two non-mainstreams!

Finally, the two non-mainstreams were lying on the ground, and one of them pointed at me and said I was weak asked: "Why...don't you hit him?"

A network administrator kicked him: "He plays CS, so he brought his own keyboard!"

< p>Zhu Bajie was making out with Chang'e on the moon. Suddenly a black shadow passed by. Zhu Bajie hurriedly chased him with a nail rake. After a while, he came back and said: Damn it, Yang Liwei... .

One day on the bus, a woman left her seat to buy a ticket. When she came back, she found that her seat was occupied by another woman, so she was very unwilling and said loudly. One sentence: If you can’t lay eggs, you can occupy a nest very quickly. The woman sitting on the seat heard this, stood up quickly, and said with a smile: I'm sorry for delaying your laying of eggs!

A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that it killed other birds kept with it.

Later the owner brought back a hawk and rested it with it. When the owner came to take a look, there were parrot feathers hanging outside the cage.

The master said: "I won't do it this time."

But after a closer look, I saw that the eagle was dead, and the parrot was naked and said: "This grandson It's so awesome, I can't beat Ya Ting without taking off my shirt."

A driver drove a truck full of hens and played with his parrot. When a beautiful girl hit the car, the driver took the parrot away. Put it in the cargo box with the hens and ask the beauty to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver asked the beautiful woman tentatively: "Can I kiss you?" The beautiful woman shook her head very shyly and said, "No." After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked again: "Can I give you a hug? The beauty still shook her head and said, "No." The driver said angrily, "If not, just get off."

"After driving for a while, the driver felt that what he was doing was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and asked the beautiful woman to get in the car. But after driving for a while, the driver refused to give up and asked: "Can I kiss you?" The beauty still shook her head, "Can I give you a hug?" The beauty still shook her head, "If it doesn't work, go down." "After repeating this three times, we finally arrived at the chicken farm. The driver opened the car and saw that there were not many hens left. The parrot picked up one of the hens and asked, "Can I kiss the beauty?" "The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked again: "Can I hug the beauty? The hen still shook her head. The parrot said: "If not, go down." "The hen was thrown out of the car...

The little white rabbit was walking in the forest. When he met the big bad wolf, he came up and gave the little white rabbit two The big-eared post said, "I asked you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit was aggrieved and withdrew.

The next day, she jumped out of the house wearing a hat and met the big boy again. The gray wolf came up and gave the little white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I'll let you wear a hat." "

Rabbit was depressed. After thinking for a long time, he finally decided to complain to Tiger, the king of the forest.

After explaining the situation, Tiger said, "Okay, I understand. I will handle the matter, you have to trust the organization." On the same day, Tiger found his buddy, the Big Bad Wolf. "It's not appropriate for you to do this. It's making it difficult for me to handle it." After saying that, he wiped the cigarette ashes falling on the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come here and find me a piece of meat! She found a fat one, but you said you wanted a thin one. She found a thin one, but you said you wanted a fat one. Wouldn't that be enough to beat her up? Of course, you can say the same. Tutu, come here and find me a woman. She found a plump one, but you said you liked a slim one. She found a slim one, but you said you like plump ones. You can beat her well and forcefully." The big bad wolf nodded frequently and clapped his hands, his respect for the tiger once again reaching a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were overheard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. . I hate this.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence, the big bad wolf came towards him. The big bad wolf said: "Rabbit, come here and find me." Get some meat. Tutu said: "Then, do you want to be fat or thin?" "After hearing this, the Big Bad Wolf felt his heart sink and then feel happy. Fortunately, he still had Plan B. He then said, "Tutu, Mali'er, find me a woman. Tutu asked: "So, do you like plump ones or slim ones?" "The big bad wolf was silent for 2 seconds, then raised his hand and gave Tutu two big-eared posts even harder. "Damn, I told you not to wear a hat. "

The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" "

Boss: "Ah, I'm so sorry, there aren't that many"

"That's it. . . "The little white rabbit left dejectedly.

The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" "

Boss: "I'm sorry, but there's still no one."

"That's it. . . "The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

The boss said happily: "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today!" ! ”

The little white rabbit took out the money: “Great, I’ll buy two!” "

The prisoner was executed. Due to the poor quality of the bullets, the first shot did not go off, and then the second shot was fired... The third shot... At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff. The girl's thigh said: Brother, strangle me to death! It's so fucking scary...

A primary school student confessed to his long-awaited teacher, but the teacher said it was wrong, but he didn't listen. , the teacher couldn’t bear it and said: I don’t want any children. The primary school student said: I will be careful!”

A certain mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the director convened a meeting with the patients.

The director said: "This afternoon, there are many When important leaders come to visit, everyone should go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome, all patients should stand neatly on both sides of the hospital door. When I cough, everyone should stand together. Applause, the louder the better; when I stamp my feet, I must stop them all, and no one can make a mistake.

As long as everyone is ready, we can have meat buns for everyone tonight. As long as one person messes up, everyone will have no buns to eat. Remember

? "The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember! ”

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door.

At this time, as the director coughed, All the patients applauded and the atmosphere was very warm. Infected by the warm atmosphere, they applauded with everyone and walked into the hospital.

In the hospital, the dean stamped his foot, and all the applause stopped. Only the leader was still applauding with a smile on his face

The dean was very satisfied. Suddenly, a sick man as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcoming crowd. He strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face, and shouted angrily - —“You don’t want to eat steamed buns anymore? ! ! ! ”

There were three people who were testing their marksmanship together, with a black man holding something as a target.

The first man put an apple on the black man’s head, and then At a distance of 10 meters, he raised his hand and shot the apple to pieces. He blew the gun and said: I'm Zorro!

The second man put it on the black man's head. A cherry, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot the cherry to pieces. He blew the muzzle and said: I'm007

The third person put a gun on the black man's head. He picked up a sesame seed, then raised his hand and shot the black man's head from a distance of 100 meters. He also blew the muzzle of the gun and said: I'm sorry...

A scientist arrived in Antarctica and met a group of penguins. He asked one of them: "What do you do every day?" The penguin said: "Eat, sleep and play beans." ”

Later he met a little penguin, which looked very cute, and asked it: “Kid, what do you do every day?” The little penguin said: "Eat and sleep." The scientist was stunned for a moment, and then asked: "Why don't you hit Doudou?" "

The little penguin said: "Because I am Doudou. ”

The King of Chinese Humor:/

Haha Paradise;/

Hilarious slips of the tongue

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References : Compiled by the little idiot messenger! I strongly despise copying and stealing other people’s achievements