Classic jokes

Collection of classic cold jokes in 2021

A cold joke refers to the joke itself due to problems such as boredom, homophones, translation, or omission of the subject, different logic, predicates or special content. Or due to the performer's tone or expression, etc., a joke cannot achieve the purpose of being funny, and it is difficult to make people laugh and ends up being a dead end. However, this does not mean that the joke itself is dull. This is also a manifestation of humor. The following are the classic cold jokes in 2021 that I have carefully compiled. You are welcome to learn from them and refer to them. I hope they will be helpful to you.

Classic cold joke 1

1. This morning, there was a meeting in our company. At that time, everyone in the company arrived, including the cleaning lady. Our boss sat at the front and began to talk at length about the company's development plan, market conditions, corporate culture, events, holidays, etc. Finally, the boss also emphasized that it is strictly forbidden to fall in love or act as friends among colleagues in the company. I didn’t know what was going on at the time, so I just said: Can we make an appointment? As a result, the whole venue was in an uproar.

2. You would never imagine the consequences of a woman being angry. Things like kneeling on the keyboard, expensive instant noodles, kneeling on durian, etc. are all so weak. I was dragged out of the KTV by my girlfriend because I didn't answer a phone call. On the way home, she bought a 50-kilogram bag of rice and said we would break up if she couldn't finish it tomorrow morning.

3. A boy just asked me for a mobile phone. I refused decisively. I said there is something wrong with you. Can I give you a new phone that costs thousands of dollars? He asked me for my mobile phone number, but I said I’ve been using it for several years and I can’t give it to you! Then he left, and I realized that he was really sick. He asked for his cell phone when we met. There are still phone charges included in the number. Are people so familiar with each other now?

4. My 32-year-old cousin has been single for many years and has never been able to find a wife. The two of us drank together to relieve our sorrows and stayed in front of the Civil Affairs Bureau until midnight! I trembled all over when I heard that, yes, why didn’t I think of that! I also went to look for a wife to come back. Married people will love others. If you have a child, you don’t have to spend money on milk powder. Tsk, tsk, tsk, you get a lot with one stone. I couldn’t help clinking glasses with my cousin again because of my cleverness, and continued to drink. !

5. I have been very busy recently. I haven’t called my mother for about two or three weeks. But after sending the message, I went into grudge mode! Then I immediately replied to many messages, but she didn't reply to any of them. The conversation in the family group was very lively, and I chimed in, but she just ignored me and treated me like nothing. I gave her a red envelope and accepted it all, but she still ignored me. What a headache, why are you more naive than me...

6. I caused losses to the company due to work mistakes. In order to show justice, the leader wants to deduct 1,000 from me! I didn't care too much about the money, I just thought I would use some snacks next time. After work, you should still eat and drink. Forget it, one thousand is not a lot! As a result, that night, I dreamed that I was carrying a sack and picking up mineral water bottles...

7. When I went to buy fruit with my mother, the landlady got close to my mother: "Sister, you How old is your daughter? ""25!" The boss lady said with a shocked expression: "What? 25?" I thought she would compliment me on how young I look, but she said, "You guys are getting married very late. The child is 25, and the child is already eldest. He cannot get married even if he is 25! "Boss, have you ever lost a customer?"

8. The doctor said to the patient dissatisfiedly: "You must have drank a lot of wine! Tell me honestly, how much do you drink every day?" "Four bottles of beer." "Didn't I tell you, Are you only allowed to drink 2 bottles a day?" "Yes, but the doctor who treated me before also told me to drink 2 bottles a day!

9. Foreigners asked someone at the cemetery during the Qingming Festival to come and pay homage. The sweeper's aunt: "I really don't understand. In our country, to commemorate relatives, you only need to place flowers in front of their graves. You also place fruits and food. When do you think they will come to eat?" "The aunt glanced at him and replied calmly: "When your relatives come out to enjoy the flowers.

"

10. That day, I just woke up from my sleep. I took out a lighter and a cigarette as a habit. I lit a cigarette, took a deep breath and blew it out the window. This sequence The sexual movements were completed in one go and flawlessly. The moment I turned my head, I will never forget the admiring eyes of my classmates and the surprised expression of the teacher....

11. I went to the mall at the end of the year and asked the salesperson. I didn’t have 100 yuan to buy a whole set of clothes, so the salesperson looked at me with contempt. Then my friend called me. I took out my iPhone 6plus and said loudly: “1.6 million is too little. You call 8 million at a time, three times a day. Call first.” Check it out in five days. If it doesn’t work, call him in another five days! "The salespersons in the whole mall were shocked. There is no way. As a medical worker, you are willful! It is impossible to use 1.6 million units of penicillin.

12. Teacher: Your son is in love early. Parents: I know Teacher: You don’t object? Parent: What are you objecting to? His girlfriend is in charge of him at school. She doesn’t let him smoke or drink. She takes care of him when he’s sick. When it’s cold, he reminds him to put on more clothes and comforts him when he’s not happy. He, be happy with him, can you teachers do this? Teacher: Does that mean we agree to be together? 13. Dad looked at his son’s test paper: Son, do you speak English? Why did I get a zero on the multiple-choice questions? Son: I couldn’t understand, so I chose D for all of them. Son: I studied it, but there were no multiple-choice questions. Option D.

14. There are so many talents among primary school students. It is a pity that you are not the representative of the Chinese class! Look at this eloquent review, it is simply a "wonderful" essay. Good article! But if you had known this, why did you do it at the beginning? It seems that, classmate, recognizing your mistakes is a good sign, but you also have to reflect on how you can do better and become a "thousand-mile horse" "! Classic cold joke 2

1. My husband is a football fan, and he will not let go of anything related to football. Once when I went to a restaurant, I saw a dish called "Chinese Football" on the menu, and he insisted on ordering it. Take it. When I came up and saw it, it turned out to be "stinky tofu stewed with pig's trotters." "The taste is good, but the husband's face is a bit ugly.

2. On the roadside in a certain city, several beggars were chatting.

"The prices of rice and oil have recently increased. , the people in the city are worried. "

"Compared to them, we are better off. Firstly, we don't have to buy rice, secondly, we don't have to buy oil, and we don't have to pay rent..."

At this time, among them One person quickly covered the speaker’s mouth: “Shh! Keep your voice down, if anyone hears it, they will all want to be beggars! "

3. The supermarket was crowded with people, and suddenly a radio rang: "Any parent has lost a 4-year-old boy wearing a yellow plaid shirt and blue jeans. Please go to the service desk to claim it immediately.

I saw a tired woman next to me and said to the man next to him: "While someone is looking after our children, let's go buy some groceries." "

4. The wife of an African chief stayed at home for many years and had no choice but to listen to the radio to pass the time. One day she visited London with the chief, and a group of reporters intercepted her at the airport. "Good morning, Mrs. Chief," One of them asked, “Did you have a comfortable trip? "The chief's wife made a series of harsh sounds - coo, hum, ha, squeak, hiss, and then said in pure English: "It's very comfortable. "So, how long are you going to stay here?" "The same voice came again, and then answered: "About two weeks. "Tell me, Mrs. Chief, where did you learn such fluent English?" " asked the puzzled reporter. After another burst of coaxing, humming, hawing, squeaking and hissing sounds, the chief's wife said: "From the shortwave radio. "

5. A woman wants to see the captain, and the second lieutenant goes to report.

"Is she beautiful? "The captain asked.

"It's beautiful! "The ensign replied.

After the woman left, the captain said to the ensign: "You have a really special eye for women.

The second lieutenant replied: "Sir, I thought that was your wife."

The captain sighed and said: "Exactly."

"Classic Cold Joke 3

1. When I was a child, I went fishing in the river with my friends and got a lot of harvest. I started to divide the fish!

A friend said: My dad likes to drink. , he said that big fish taste good with wine!

After saying that, he caught the big fish and put it in the bucket...

I just watched without saying anything, waiting. After he loaded it, I picked up his bucket of fish and ran away. As I ran, I said: My dad also likes to drink...

2. There is a low building next to a small village. An old woman was sitting in front of the wooden house basking in the sun.

At this moment, a Mercedes-Benz drove over, and a man in gorgeous clothes got out of the car: "Grandma, do you still remember 1943?" Have you ever rescued a little boy wearing a dark red coat in winter?"

"Remember, kid, of course I remember. "

The old lady replied excitedly. "I am the little boy back then. I'm here to get my coat. "

3. Chu Qing, the wife of General Su Yu, was once a famous lady.

After the liberation of Shanghai, Su Yu and his wife were walking on the street. Su Yu suddenly said loudly, this This coffee shop must be good.

Chu Qing was very surprised, thinking that General Su Yu knew the mood, and asked him why he said that?

Su Yu said, if there are several shelves in this coffee shop. A machine gun can block the entire street.

4. There was a long queue at the shopping mall cashier, and it was about time for me to pay. At this time, a beautiful woman came up to me: "Handsome guy, Can you let me go in front of you? I have something urgent. "

I looked at the long queue behind me, then at the beautiful woman, and said politely: "If you are in a hurry, go ahead and do your work. When you are done, come back and pay." Business is important, don't delay. "

5. I saw a beautiful woman this morning who was very beautiful. When I walked up to her, I tripped her secretly. When she slipped and I helped her, I took the opportunity to kiss her!

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Then he pretended to be very innocent and said to her, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I kissed you, you can't be pregnant. If you add me on WeChat, I will definitely be responsible for you!

Everything went well! But just now she sent me a WeChat message saying she was pregnant... What should I do? Wait online! Classic cold jokes 4

1. Pete told his friends that he had just lost his baby Work.

"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise. "Oh," Pete said, "you know what the foreman is. They always put their hands in their pockets and stand watching others working. “We know that’s the case. replied the friend. "But why would he let you go?" "Jealous!" replied Pete. "All the other workers think I am the foreman." "

2. "Do you need typists?" Olson asked. "No," the director of the Personnel Office said, while checking the occupational register, "we already have a lot of typists here. "Where's the file manager?" Olson asked again. "I'm sorry, young man." We can't even count the people who manage the archives here." Olson felt very disappointed and turned around to leave, muttering: "Hey, I'm such a fool. ..." When the HR director heard this, he suddenly stood up and shouted: "Wait a minute, we need two of the people you mentioned. "

3. Ms. Feng was seriously ill and was admitted to the hospital. Colleagues from the company went to visit her. "While I was on leave, I must have exhausted my replacement. I'm so sorry." She He said apologetically. A male colleague replied: "It's okay, everyone has shared your work. I am responsible for reading the newspaper, Miss Zhang is responsible for chatting on the phone, and Miss Li is responsible for flirting with the general manager..."

4. The manager of a certain company asked his secretary to forward an official document to the boss, "Report to the boss, there are a batch of orders in Europe next month, and I think the company needs to bring someone to have a meeting with them. "The boss simply signed at the back of the official document: "Goahead" After the manager received it, he immediately instructed his subordinates to buy air tickets and plan an itinerary, while he packed his luggage.

On the day of departure, I was stopped by the secretary: "What do you want to do?" Manager: "Go to Europe for a meeting!" Secretary: "Does the boss agree?" Manager: "Didn't the boss say Goahead to me?" Secretary: "Come to the company After so long, don’t you know the boss’s English level? The boss means: Go to hell!”

5. The chairman asked the new general manager: “No one pays attention to every meeting. Listen, what can we do?" The general manager said: "This is easy to handle. We don't need the secretary to attend the meeting. After the meeting, we will announce who will take the minutes this time."

6. Teacher: We have learned this. "History of World Inventions", please, can any of you tell me what is the most important thing that did not exist 50 years ago?

Me! One of the smartest students said confidently.

Teacher: In the history of human development, people evolved from walking on four limbs to walking on two limbs. What is the biggest advantage?

Student: You can save a pair of leather shoes!

7. A young man was newly hired in a commercial building on his first day at work. The store manager greeted him cordially and gave him a broom, telling him that his first job was to clean the environment. The young man said angrily: "I'm a college student!" So the store manager said: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a college student. Please give me the broom and I will teach you how to sweep the floor!"

8. Xiao Wang always works at work Lazy and listless. One day, the manager called him into the office and said: "I don't know what your marital status is, but I have only one suggestion for you: If you are single, please get married as soon as possible; if you are married, please get divorced as soon as possible!" ”

9. A telecommunications company is recruiting.

Examiner: “Can you dedicate yourself more to the company?”

Applicant: “No.” Examiner: "I'm sorry..."

Candidate: "But I can make consumers give more of themselves."

Examiner: "Okay, you are admitted." Classic Bad Joke 5

NO.1

In Chinese class, teacher: Xiao Ming asked you to make "If every drop of water can represent a blessing, then I will give you an ocean" An imitation sentence exercise!

Xiao Ming: If every flower represents a blessing, then I will send you a wreath!

Instantly the whole class was shocked!

Teacher: Roll, roll, get out now!

NO.2

The teacher called Xiao Ming outside the classroom.

Teacher: "Your homework is getting worse and worse. What's going on?"

Xiao Ming: "Teacher, let me find out the reason and let you know in the afternoon." "?"

Teacher: "Okay!"

In the afternoon, the teacher called Xiao Ming outside the classroom again. Teacher: "Did you find the reason?"

Xiao Ming: "I found it. My grandfather said that the homework is getting more and more difficult, and there is nothing he can do about it."

After the exam, the teacher lectured, Teacher: "We are all students, how come some do well and some do poorly."

Xiao Ming: "It's not because the invigilators are different."

Teacher: "Get out of here Get out!"

NO.3

Today the politics teacher was chatting on the podium for an hour, always talking about the relationship between money and life. Finally, the class was about to end and assigned a question for us. Thinking: "If you have money, can you change anything?" Xiao Mingjiao snorted: "If you had money, I wouldn't have to listen to your nonsense."

Teacher: Please use one sentence, Proof that you can't find someone's anger.

Xiao Ming: Bastard, where are you?

Teacher: Quality.

Xiao Ming: Turtle, where are you?

Teacher: Get out...

NO.4

Teacher: Please explain environmental factors and genetic factors!

Xiao Ming: Looking like your father is a genetic factor, and looking like your neighbor is an environmental factor!

Teacher: Old rules.... ..

Xiao Ming stood up silently...

NO.5

The teacher asked Xiao Ming, Shuangshuang and Li Huashan who were standing outside the classroom. Person: "Exactly what you three did in class, please tell me honestly."

Xiao Ming: "Pointing to the country, inspiring words, the dung and dung are like those of thousands of households."

Teacher: " "

Xiao Ming: "Fight the Landlord."

Teacher: "Stand outside for a day."

Xiao Ming: Teacher, I like you.

Teacher: I don’t like children.

Xiao Ming: I don’t like children either. We don’t have to have children.

Teacher: Get out!

NO.6

In math class, the teacher asked a question: There are eleven students in our class, and now the teacher has brought How can we distribute ten apples equally among the students?

Xiao Hong: Xiao Ming, get out!

NO.7

Teacher: Hello, students!

Students: Teacher, happy Teacher’s Day!

Teacher: Thank you, classmates, where is Xiao Ming?

Yaoyao: Xiao Ming said, today you are celebrating the holiday, he I won't be angry with you anymore, just get out of here.

Teacher: Xiao Ming is a sensible child, go and ask him to come in.

Yaoyao: I guess he’s already home at this point.

NO.8

In the classroom, Xiao Ming leaned his head on the chair and did not listen to the class.

The teacher asked with concern: "Are you sick again?"

Xiao Ming said without raising his head: "Yes, I have a headache."

The teacher said : "Do you have a doctor's certificate? Take it out and you can go home and rest!"

Xiao Ming said: "It's because the doctor doesn't issue a certificate, so I have a headache."

Teacher: "Get out..."

　NO.9

In the physical education class, we had to do the leap frog. The teacher asked: Who has been injured before? You don’t need to do it.

Classmate A said: I have broken my foot.

Classmate B said: I have broken my wrist.

Xiao Ming: My umbilical cord was severed.

This time Xiao Ming didn’t get out, he just skipped a class as a penalty.

Teacher: Xiao Ming, what will you do if you grow up and fall out of love?

Xiao Ming: When I fall out of love, I will return to my wife honestly.

Teacher: Get out...

NO.10

Teacher: Please tell us your wishes.

Xiao Ming: Go to Shandong Lanxiang to learn excavator.

Teacher: Give me a reason.

Xiao Ming: Dig your ancestral graves.

Teacher: Get out...Classic joke 6

1. Write an article

Look at your sad face, what’s going on? Write an article titled "What did I do yesterday". Well, what did you do yesterday? Just drink. How stupid you are, let me tell you, as you write down, whenever the word "drinking" appears, can't you just change it to "reading"? Zhang Wen was inspired and wrote in a daze: I got up early in the morning and read for a long time. After thinking about it, I also read the second half of the book in one go, but I felt it was not enough, so I went to the store and bought another book. Book. When I came back, I met Li Da head-on on the road. I looked into his eyes and knew that he had almost read it.

2. Change money

In the public toilet, I suddenly heard someone talking in the toilet, friend, do you have toilet paper? I checked my pockets, sorry, no. After a few seconds, the man asked again: Friend, do you have a small piece of newspaper? I smiled helplessly, sorry, no, I just came to pee. After a few seconds, a 10-yuan note slipped out from the crack of the toilet door. My friend, can you break it into 10 pieces worth 1 yuan each? Then I gave him 10 coins.

3. I want to count the stars

At the end of the year party at the work unit, a colleague who is usually very calm drank so much that his eyes were bloodshot. Seeing that the situation was not good, the leader quickly asked me to send him home. But when I reached out to hail a taxi, my colleague refused to get in. Instead, he sat happily on the edge of the road. He raised his head and said majestically to the sky: Who said there are countless stars in the sky? I will count them all tonight!

4. Delicious

My deskmate fell asleep while doing the papers, and farted in his sleep with an earth-shattering sound, and the smell was extremely unpleasant. Everyone immediately stopped writing and looked at him, but he showed no intention of waking up. Looking at the teacher's livid face on the podium, we all tried our best not to laugh. But at this time, my deskmate was actually talking in his sleep. He just smacked his lips and said, "It smells so good! It's delicious!" Classic joke 7

1. There are only two kinds of balls in China that you can know the result without comparing. One is table tennis and the other is football. No one can beat one, and no one can beat the other.

2. “If you can’t find a partner, you will gain weight.”

“Why?”

“Because I am so sad that I can only eat food and wait.”

3. If you encounter a bear, you should lie down immediately and pretend. Death, don't move at all when it comes. —— said the bear.

4. My friend learned that I studied Buddhism. He also flipped through a few pages of scriptures yesterday and said to me early this morning: "Brother, as the saying goes, you can immediately become a Buddha by putting down your butcher's knife. I woke up this morning. , just asking myself: Who will I kill tonight? "Classic Bad Joke 8

1. A vegetable vendor hit an old woman while delivering goods. The old woman appealed to the court and he paid a sum of money. A large compensation fee;

A few weeks later, his truck knocked down an old gentleman. The gentleman also obtained a large compensation in court, and the greengrocer was almost bankrupt.

On Sunday, the greengrocer was sitting at home when his child ran in the door angrily.

"Dad!" the child shouted, "Oh no, mommy was run over by a station wagon..."

Tears welled up in the greengrocer's eyes. He said in a very excited tone: "Thank God, my fortune has finally turned around!"

2. One day, several good friends met on the street. They came to the restaurant together and ordered food, but suddenly they didn't want to pay. One of them said that we all use our last names to say a sentence related to this dish. Only those who are told the right thing can eat, and those who cannot be told not only cannot eat it, but also have to pay for it. Everyone else said yes.

The waiter brought the dishes. The man named Jiang first said, I am Jiang Taigong fishing, and then he brought the fish over. The man surnamed Huang said, I am a weasel stealing the chicken, and then he took the chicken over. The man surnamed Qin said, I am Qin Shihuang and annexed the six countries, and after saying that, he took the rest.

In the end, only one person named Sun was left. When he saw that he had to pay for the food without eating, he said that I was Sun Wukong and made a big fuss in the sky. After that, he overturned the table.

3. The girl and the boy met in the park through the arrangement of the marriage agency. After the two talked for a while, the girl stood up and left.

The young man was very fond of the girl. When he saw that she was leaving, he felt anxious and quickly asked why.

Girl: "Although you are handsome, you are empty in your belly."

Guy: "Who said I am empty? I had a Western meal and three drinks before coming to the park. A glass of wine."

4. A reporter who drank too much went to the newspaper office and asked angrily why the news he published was not published, and kept insisting.

An editor who was good at dealing with difficult problems patiently asked him to open the newspaper of the day, and then asked: "Do you think there is any blank space in the newspaper to publish your news?"

"No. ." the reporter replied.

“That’s why it wasn’t published.” Classic Cold Joke 9

1. Sima Guang lit a fire under the tank and said with a smile: After boiling the water dry, the children You won't drown.

2. My girlfriend’s face is too long, and every time we go out together on the street, my legs look very short.

3. After borrowing money, a man returned a pile of shit to his creditor, claiming that he regarded money as dirt.

4. Seeing that the hostages were sleeping soundly, the kind-hearted kidnappers set the time bomb back for 2 hours.

5. My brother got into a fight yesterday and needed more than 20 stitches on his leg. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I bought him a pair of long pants.

6. Our country’s acceptance of refugees is not in line with the national conditions and the wishes of the refugees. My suggestion is: we can use our expertise to build a high-speed railway directly to Europe for Middle Eastern refugees, which not only gives full play to the spirit of international humanitarianism , and can meet the requirements of refugees.

7. "Why doesn't peeing feel as good as ejaculating?"

"It's okay if you hold it in for a long time. If it doesn't work, try..."

8. "People always say that I am a vixen. Am I really that charming?"

"Maybe it's because people smell the body odor!"

9. "What is the most cruel thing someone has said to you to reject you?"

"The slap was too loud and I didn't hear you clearly.";