A brief talk about my experience of fearing AIDS. I wish everyone will no longer be afraid of AIDS after watching this.

Contributor: No more surfing the Internet

If I were not obsessed with the Internet, I might not be so afraid of AIDS. If it hadn't been for an accidental cold and searching for cold symptoms on Baidu and the early symptoms of AIDS popped up, I might not have forcibly associated myself with AIDS. Just like what I saw in the beacon of fear at the Chengdu HIV/AIDS Intervention Center, perhaps I was destined to suffer a catastrophe, and only after the baptism of despair could I be reborn. Looking back now, I really feel that I was so ridiculous. When I was most helpless, I called a teacher when I met someone online and asked about the risk of HIV infection. I got different answers, which made me confused and contradictory, but forced this confusion and contradiction on the possibility of contracting HIV. . When I was most helpless, I left my hope on the Internet and analyzed AIDS over and over again every day with fellow AIDS-phobic friends who had the same fear. I always felt that it was the only way to escape from fear, but little did I know that I was on the road to escape from fear. Fading away, almost unable to come back.

Let me talk about my personal experience first. One night nine months ago, I had a reunion with my college classmates. I had not seen each other for a long time. It was inevitable that I would talk about some things from my previous school days, which made me feel a little melancholy. Although working in a bank is an ideal position, it is far from what I expected. I remember that when I was studying, I was high-spirited and had a clear goal. I just wanted to go to the United States to develop my career after graduation. To achieve such a goal, I worked hard to achieve my goal. During the entire college and graduate school years, the men and women around me were all under fire, but I stayed alone and masturbated occasionally. I always felt that by giving up this, I would be able to achieve greater self. Who knows, I still didn’t go to the United States and ended up working in a domestic bank. That night, I was extremely unconscious after being a virgin for 28 years. I felt that God was so unfair to me. Why should I follow the so-called pious path set for myself.

After returning to the hotel, I could actually hear the movements of the young couple next door. Is this still a five-star hotel with such sound insulation? The sound of loving each other reached my ears, which made me unbearably lonely. It lasted intermittently for an hour or two, and it completely transformed me from Confucius to a demon. I don’t know where I got the courage, so I ordered a premium package on a dating app, and we naturally had a relationship. I was very tired and slept soundly that night. I used to use dating apps to chat with those women just for spiritual comfort, but I didn’t expect that I lost my virginity to those women on dating apps who made money after drinking. They are really dirty, and so am I. At that time, I felt a little inexplicably disappointed with myself, but also a little inexplicably excited.

As mentioned at the beginning of the article, if there was no Internet search, maybe this dirty thing would have passed. Little did I know that the next few days would be the beginning of my nightmare. I don’t know if it was because I caught a cold while working overtime and developed some symptoms of coughing, followed by tonsillitis and swollen lymph nodes. At that time, I searched for symptoms on Baidu, and suddenly I felt like the sky was falling. What I saw was the content from the Haodafu website that I searched on my mobile phone. It was a message from a doctor. It said that coughing and swollen lymph nodes could be possible. It was an early symptom of AIDS. At that time, people were confused. AIDS is such a scary word. I never thought that such a word would break into my life, and that death was only one step away from me. I didn’t know how I got back home. As soon as I got home, I couldn’t help but look up information about AIDS again. I continued to search for the early symptoms of AIDS on Good Doctor and started comparing myself. This is slightly better without comparison. After comparison, I found that I have more symptoms that I didn't pay attention to. For example, there are many small red spots on my body. When I look in the mirror, I find that my tongue coating is white. With so many symptoms all gathered together, I am sure it's over. She has been tricked. The woman on the dating app must have deliberately come to take revenge on society. Maybe she wanted money on the one hand and wanted to take revenge on society on the other. The more she thought about it, the more she felt there was something wrong. I contacted the girl on the dating app. At first she plausibly said she was fine, but in the end she blocked me.

Oh my God, I must have felt that my secret had been leaked out to me. My fear and grudge against AIDS were increasing. I had begun to think about how long I could live. This seriously affected my work, so I had to take annual leave. I don’t want to force myself to smile every day and spend my time serving other people.

To say that random searches will only get you deeper, I really didn’t believe it at first. I didn’t know who to ask about these most private things. I could only search online and find other friends who were afraid of it. When chatting online, I just feel that searching and chatting are quite comfortable, but later on I wonder why chatting and searching feels very comfortable, but after a while it becomes very uncomfortable. I didn’t think too much about it at the time. People on the Internet said that if you were afraid of AIDS, you should get tested. I quickly went to the hospital to get tested. Needless to say, the feeling of waiting. Fortunately, the blood test result was negative for HIV. It was indescribable at the time. How happy I feel. At this time, I realized the dangers of randomly searching for awkward chats on the Internet. I went to the AIDS-phobic forum to report the good news to other AIDS-phobic friends, and most of them wished me well. But several people inside said that you haven't passed the window period yet. What is the window period? The answers below ranged from two weeks to six months, and some people even directly said that they couldn't detect it after half a year. My happy mood suddenly fell to the bottom. This further strengthened my fear. Other friends who feared it on the Internet said, just go ahead and keep testing. If you don’t want to be tested until you don’t want to be tested, you can get rid of your fear. At that time, I felt that this statement was very reasonable. After more tests, I naturally lost my fear and escaped. But now that I think about it, I realize how many people on the Internet who said they were volunteers did not sell test strips, and I realized that I was just a novice at that time. It's a pity that I still didn't reject and fight back against the erosion of the Internet. I had already been tested for HIV, and I continued to search the Internet as if I hadn't been tested before, continued to talk about HIV symptoms with other fearful friends, and continued to analyze the risks of HIV infection. , I gradually discovered that I had more problems, such as chest tightness, headache, palpitation, migratory pain, feeling of dying, changes in body surface heating, etc. The most serious ones were night sweats and diarrhea at night. This time I felt the anxiety that other friends who feared that the virus would not be detected before the window period. Am I really infected? All the early symptoms of AIDS are reflected in my body. It’s over. Is your life ruined like this? When I think about the Internet saying that as long as I insist on testing, I can take off my clothes until I don't want to. Then I continued to check at four weeks, eight weeks, 12 weeks, and 16 weeks. Every time, it was negative. When I went to get tested later, I knew that I was definitely negative, but I still couldn't help but want to get tested. Continuing to search and chat with other people who are afraid of AIDS on the Internet, there is no way for me to find the novelty and excitement that I felt when I was first afraid of AIDS. Only testing can make me feel better for a day or two, but the symptoms have not been relieved, and I am still I wonder if I am the one who is afraid of what may happen. Later, I realized that life was getting darker and darker. I was afraid of needles, wounds, bleeding, etc., and everything that could be feared began to be fearful of the real hell life. I really couldn't bear this kind of life, but I didn't want to affect other people, so I asked for a long leave from my work.

The bank is a good position. Taking a long leave means that this job may no longer belong to me. My family was panicked, and after a lot of hard work, I confided that I had dated other women on dating apps and was afraid of contracting AIDS. My family probably understands what is going on, and they also know that I have been tested many times. My parents and important relatives at home have tried to reason with me, but I understand all these reasons, just like other friends who are afraid of AIDS also know a lot about AIDS, but You can't get rid of AIDS. Later, there was really nothing we could do, so we contacted our collateral relatives to see if they could save me. The husband of a distant cousin of mine was a doctor in a tertiary hospital in a city in Sichuan, and he happened to be working on AIDS treatment. Others were very professional and asked me many professional questions directly, and I answered them truthfully. After he found out, he told me directly that there could be no problem with my situation, and that after learning so much about AIDS, it would be useless to read more about it online.

Sometimes I pick up my phone and want to habitually search for key words. At this time, I remind myself that Teacher Ye gave me a lot of advice and I got help from her. I can’t be sorry for her efforts, nor can I be sorry for myself. I'm sorry for my parents' expectations of me. Sure enough, after a while, I suddenly found that I no longer wanted to search for AIDS, let alone discuss AIDS. As for the early symptoms of AIDS in the past, I didn’t expect that they were almost gone. Maybe God is giving me another test. Later, a friend started to introduce me to my girlfriend. I was a little worried at first, so I had no choice but to agree first. When we met, we felt good, and our relationship became stronger and stronger. If possible, there would be some sexual contact, but at that time I still felt a little nervous and resistant inside. With the encouragement of Teacher Ye, I successfully passed this hurdle again. In the following time, I feel like I am back to the past again, especially now, even when I see pictures and words related to AIDS, needles in reality are Words such as blood mosquito can be treated with a normal attitude. I know it’s time for me to leave Teacher Ye. Looking back on my experience of fearing AIDS for so long, I am full of emotions. Sometimes I think about how great it would be if I could have known Teacher Ye earlier. Maybe I wouldn’t have been afraid for so long, but Sometimes I feel like this might be my fate. No one can understand the sweetness of getting rid of fear without profound lessons, and no one can understand how to truly get rid of fear without long-term suffering. I remember that after a random search, I felt that I had overcome my fear, so I called myself a professional anti-terrorist volunteer and even gave other people anti-terrorism counseling. From my current point of view, it is really ridiculous that I am young and ignorant. Fortunately, it did not cause serious consequences, otherwise it would really make me feel guilty for the rest of my life. Afraid of AIDS, many people really don’t want to talk about it. I think I will have less time to talk about it in the future. Before I find the one I love, I have to have such an experience first, which will make people happy. I cherish the hard-won life now.

Special thanks to Teacher Ye for her careful help and professional and targeted treatment. Thanks to her care for so long, I can only express my high gratitude and respect to her by writing about my experience. Finally, I hope this article can provide some reference for some friends who are still in the whirlpool of fear of AIDS. I wish you all can get rid of fear as soon as possible. Really, no one wants to experience that fear of AIDS again.