The first chapter of "Tell the children and show them": "Do you know what I'm talking about?"

In fact, the child has been paying attention to you, and your every move will enter his eyes and hide in his heart. When you chat with friends on the phone, you think that children will turn a deaf ear, that's wrong. I promise, he kept everything you said in his heart.

the first paragraph

This creates an atmosphere of communication.

Words and deeds plus examples (or examples supplemented by words and deeds) will produce good results, especially when you pay attention not only to the content of the speech, but also to the communication atmosphere you create. No matter how old children are, the atmosphere of communication will send them a signal, that is, how much you value him or respect him.

Plan carefully. The best distance for two people to communicate is 0.5 ~ 1.5m, and it can't be further. But the physical distance when communicating with a child depends on his age. Very young children usually like to stick to your face and even sit on your lap and talk to you. But when you are face to face with your children, it is difficult to communicate in words, and it also crosses the boundaries between people. The older the child is, the more he wants to keep a little farther away, even farther than you think, for example, across the room. When you want to call your child from the other side of the room or from another room, or from the sofa to the computer, you must think of what to say. You can say, "I know you can hear me in your room, but I care about our conversation very much." Can you come here so that we can talk face to face? " Next, the child will inevitably be a little reluctant, but this time can be completely ignored. Maybe older children are usually busy, so you can plan the conversation time in advance, which makes it easier to reach communication. You can ask your child, "Look, you are busy now. When shall we talk? "

Place, place is very important. Suitable conversation places can easily lead children into conversation, especially when talking about those heavy topics. I prefer talking in the car, not only because you don't have to look each other in the eye (because there will be some sensitive topics or older children will be more sensitive), but also because talking in the car will let both parties know when the conversation will end, because when you arrive at your destination, the conversation will end. Traffic jam time is another good time to talk, because the conversation at this time is very comfortable and intimate. Remember, don't leave a heavy topic before going to bed unless you want your child to spend a sleepless night. If you are facing older children or serious conversations, you can plan some small activities, such as walking, hiking or eating out, which will help to create an atmosphere of communication.

One of my clients, Janet, carefully planned a conversation with her 10-year-old son, which was imperative, but when she knew it would trigger a fierce reaction, she changed her previous plan. Janet started talking when mother and son were walking on the beach. She carefully explained that their plans for the weekend had been cancelled. Daniel became very angry. His words were fierce. He hurried to get rid of his mother in front. Janet didn't catch him at once, but let him vent for a while. After he was calm enough, they started talking instead of arguing. Otherwise, quarrels will be inevitable.

Don't interfere with the children. When you talk to your children, you should be aware of the obstacles between you. Sometimes a coffee table, a pile of clothes or the table in front of you will become an obstacle between you and your children, thus affecting your communication. You can tell him, "I want to hear everything you say to me, and I want you to listen to me." Let's sit on the sofa and talk about it. "

Noise is also an obstacle. Television, radio and even running water will distract people. Removing these noises will send a signal to the child that the dialogue between you and him is very important. You want to focus all your attention on him and tell him that you should also take this conversation seriously. "What you told me is very important, because I really want to hear what you want to say, so turn off your music while we are talking."

Communicate with children at the same height. You can make tall children sit down and talk to you. Eye contact at the same level makes it easy for you to enter a good communication atmosphere and avoid the feeling that your parents are above you. When I teach sixth grade students (my height is 1.62 meters) and talk to those tall children, I will say, "Come, sit down and let's talk."

Don't force your child to make eye contact with you. Maybe your father used to hold your face with his hand and let your eyes look straight at him, but this move has no positive effect on your conversation with your children. In fact, doing so will only distract the child, and he will think: I hate it when my father holds my face. What a nuisance! At this time, he won't concentrate on listening to you. In addition, for some children, especially those with sensory integration problems, it takes a lot of effort to let them look into your eyes (see the box below for the problem of sensory integration). He tried to focus on your face, but he couldn't listen to you. On the contrary, children can listen to you without looking at you.

But looking at each other's eyes is a kind of respect for people and one of the good habits that children need to master. As children grow up, they can be asked to do so. The older the children, the easier it is to ask them to do so. But for those shy or introverted children, it is really a big challenge to make them look into other people's eyes.

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Perceptual integration

People will integrate information obtained through various senses to varying degrees, even very young children. This process is called perceptual integration. Some people are particularly sensitive to sound, while others are particularly sensitive to light. You may have heard that some people have smart noses. You can smell the stuffing cake being baked in the kitchen from a distance, and it is easy to smell that the sofa cushions at home need washing. I have to say that some people are particularly sensitive to touch, and the labels sewn on their shirts will make them feel very uncomfortable. Different people are also divided into sensitive (able to perceive more information) and insensitive (lack of perception). For insensitive people, they may like the heavy * * *, while sensitive people can't even stand tickling. If you suspect that your child has some problems in perceptual integration, you can consult a children's doctor or ask a professional doctor for diagnosis.

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Use multiple senses. Let the child enter a state of communication with you. You can approach him, squat (or stand up) at his height, and pat his shoulder (or other parts) with one hand. This constitutes a relatively rich sensory contact. He may not look at you with his eyes, but he can hear your voice and feel you. Such a dialogue will leave a deep impression on children.

Just relax。 Your children will be very sensitive to your emotions (although they are often indifferent). Children can feel your nervousness, anxiety or embarrassment. Try to make sure that your own body language, your facial expressions and the posture of your arms can clearly convey your emotions. Try to relax, keep a reasonable distance from the child, and let your whole body face the child.

If you want to talk to your child about a heavy topic, make a draft in advance and think about what to say and how to start the topic. You should be able to control the conversation and make adjustments at any time during the conversation. Don't digress, but don't be too strong. You can also correct yourself at any time. "Wait, what I said just now has a problem. I need to repeat it. " It doesn't sound like much, but you can really start over at any time. Because at this time, children will cherish your grasp of the direction of the conversation and better understand the conversation.

the second part

Hold the tone of the conversation like this.

The appeal of tone. Mirror neurons in the human brain (see the description of mirror neurons on page 60) enable us to perceive the feelings of others. Have you noticed the following phenomenon: when someone whispers to you, you usually whisper to him. When you speak in a calm and gentle tone, children are more likely to reply to you in the same tone. When you raise your voice, the child is likely to speak as loudly as you, thus ruining the conversation atmosphere. Therefore, the effective use of children's mirror neurons will greatly promote the effect of conversation.

Mood corresponds to context. Don't speak in a serious tone casually, leave the most serious tone to the most serious words. When you want to warn a child not to poke his baby in the eye, if you say, "Honey, Stevie doesn't like you poking him in the eye", it won't stop his behavior at all. You must let him know the seriousness of this matter in a stern tone, but don't be too strict and don't do it often, or the child will be immune to your strictness.

Be careful of your anger. All parents will be angry, but at different stages of children's growth, parents' anger should be adjusted at any time. Expressing anger by shouting or talking loudly can make children feel very uneasy. Children are most afraid of their parents being angry, especially young children. Sometimes, when parents don't speak loudly at all, children will shout, "Don't yell at me!" " "In this case, the child spent all his energy to resist the anger of his parents and didn't hear what his parents were saying at all. So, save your loud voice and anger and don't come with your mouth open. If you feel that your emotions are out of control for a while, you can say to your child, "I have to go back to my room to calm down." Doing so can not only better control the current situation, but also set a good example for children and let them know how to deal with their bad emotions. Why not?

Consider the size of your voice. Many people are born with loud voices (my husband is an example), and many children are very sensitive to loud voices, especially those who may have perceptual integration problems. Speaking loudly means anger to him, and what you say is often ignored. Pay attention to recall how our teacher attracted the attention of the whole class in those years. The teacher often begins to speak in a very gentle voice, and soon the whole class quietens down and listens to her. Learn from the teacher and control the volume.

Some children always talk loudly. This condition may also be a genetic problem or hearing loss. Have you noticed these? Did you take your children to have their hearing checked? Perhaps this is the performance of the child's sensory integration disorder, or it may be because the child grew up in a noisy environment. Tell your child in a gentle voice that he should speak at the same volume as you. "It's just right to talk so loudly in the room." When he doesn't listen, you can say, "Don't talk so loudly in the room. Come on, let's go out and talk like this outside. " Take him out for a walk instead of arguing with him in his voice. Remember, there is no need to punish him, just teach him to realize the problem, so don't treat him with anger.

the third part

In this way, you can listen to your children better.

Your time with your children is limited. It sounds a little sad, but for those children aged between 1 1~ 17, they really prefer to communicate with friends (texting, leaving messages online, sharing photos through facebook or sending Weibo, etc.). ) instead of talking to you, so the communication between you and your children is very precious. When the child wants to talk to you, listen carefully, put down what you are doing, turn to face the child and look him in the eyes. If you are really busy, you can seriously say to your child, "I really want to listen to you, but I am busy now." Can you wait for me for a while? " And make sure to cash your time as soon as possible. If you really forget, the consequences will be very serious, and he will think that you don't care about him at all.

Don't interrupt the child. Compared with adults, it always takes a child longer to describe a thing. In the meantime, don't interrupt him at will, listen patiently, and don't always help him say the next thing he wants to say, or guess his thoughts, or even tell the story he wants to tell. Let your child feel that you respect him and like to communicate with him. Children need your patience, so that they will prefer to communicate with you.

Sometimes you just need to listen. In fact, many things a child says don't want an answer, a solution or a comment. Sometimes he just wants you to listen to him. In fact, listening to children is a gift that parents receive. All you have to do is respond enthusiastically with "Oh!" Or "Really?" Or "It makes you happy (sad, sad, proud, etc.). ) "and add" Thank you for sharing this with me! " That's enough.

Inspire children to speak.

I meet such parents every week: they will ask me how to inspire my children to talk to themselves. Don't underestimate this problem, because as a mother, she must be very eager to hear how the baby's day is going. Her mother may ask him directly what he did at school. "I played ball" or "I didn't do anything", regardless of the size of the child, this is generally the reaction. There are various reasons. In this age of food and clothing, children themselves don't need to share their experiences, or they just don't want to talk about them. And there are indeed many parents who make their own small plans by chatting with their children, and the children are aware of it, so they keep their mouths shut.

Section iv

This inspired the children to speak.

Let the children decide their own time. In fact, there are not many things that really belong to children, and there are few things beyond the control of parents, so children will feel that their time is precious. Sometimes they need their own time completely and don't want to share it with you. Although it sounds cruel, it is the truth. For some children, he takes the anecdote in his hand as a gadget to control you.

It takes time to review what you have seen in a day. Sometimes, when a child gets into the car, you say, "Hey, tell me about your day and what you did at school?" It is often counterproductive. The child might have wanted to say something to you, but it was blocked by your words. In fact, let nature take its course and give him time to think, and he may take the initiative to speak. Everyone needs time to sum up what happened in his day, doesn't he? Just like when eating occasionally, my husband suddenly asked me how my client was. You know, I've been doing this for eight or nine hours a day, and I can answer this question right away. It really takes time to think. So are the children. So, when the child gets on the bus, try to tell him what happened on your day. "Hey, tell you, I met a very interesting person today. He has 10 children. Then I go to the supermarket to see if there are any new soap boxes ... "Trust me, after hearing this, your child will want to say," Oh, don't you want to hear about me today? " Sometimes playing hard to get can make children talk. Sometimes, you can also observe your child's reaction after you say, "You look so tired, you must be very tired today". At this time, silently accompanying him is a kind of support and love for him.

Don't disturb by force. Parents often cross the line and don't even know where the line is, which is very troublesome. Even if you think you have created a very open and frequent communication atmosphere, in fact, the older your child grows, the more privacy he has. It's time to change their strategy. With a little effort, you can know what kind of private space your child wants. If you cross the line, try to make up for it by saying "I'm sorry". I didn't mean to ask questions. I'm just curious, and you know I care about you. "

Talk to the children about something else. When talking about topics that have nothing to do with children, you can't imagine how willing he is to participate. Try to tell a story, share your own experience or talk about some of your ideas, and even tell the latest news. "I read in the newspaper that someone discussed whether roller skating should be banned in the community. I guess there must be an old lady who was hit by a roller skater and fell gently. What do you think? " Depending on what the child will say, he may be silent for a while, because he is also thinking. Wait and see. If he still won't talk, try another topic. You can also ask your child what he thinks of things and then listen.

Don't just talk to the child, talk to him. My friend Linda told me the story of her 7-year-old son Brett. One day, Brett suddenly said to her, "You never talk to me." She was shocked and said, "I've been talking to you. Why do you say that? " He still said that his mother wouldn't talk to him. Linda didn't understand what her son meant, so she asked him. He said, "You and your father have been talking. One minute you talk, the next he talks, then you talk, and then he talks." "Oh," Linda suddenly realized, "you said we were talking." "All right," Brett said, "but when you talk to me, just tell me what to do." In this way, Linda really didn't talk to him, just talked to him.

Don't chatter. Whether you are explaining a problem or stating a thing, there are not many things that a child can listen to at one time. He can listen to the first few words you said, but it's hard to say later. Just like the plot in the famous Gary Larson fairy tale, when the young master called his dog Ginger nonsense, he said, "Wulula, Ginger." So save your words and make sure everything you say is just right. In other words, less is more.

Children's problems

Children ask questions for various reasons: sometimes they want to get your attention, sometimes they want to avoid bedtime, and sometimes they really have questions to ask. If you really have questions to ask, this is a good sign, indicating that the child is thinking about the question, collecting information and asking you for the answer to the question. This not only shows that the child wants to ask a question, but also you should know that the child has the spirit of asking questions, not following the crowd. Every time a child comes to you with a question, it is an excellent opportunity for you to deepen your child's trust in you.

Answer the child's question like this

Think carefully when answering questions. The problem is the gift from the child. In order to encourage children to ask more questions and avoid analogies, you should think carefully before answering.

There is no good or bad question in itself, and there is no so-called "stupid question", so you can add "I'm glad you asked me this question" when you answer.

Take some time to figure out how to answer. You can make a draft first. You can say to your child, "Well, I have to explain this problem to you. Let me think about it before I tell you. " Then, be sure to tell him as soon as possible. If there is no following, then children rarely ask "below" from now on.

Listen to the questions and find out what the children really want to ask. Repeat the child's question and determine what he really wants to ask, such as "Are you asking what happens when people are buried?"

Understand the child's implication. You can add: "I think you want to tell me that you are worried that I will die?"

Find any fallacies and correct them in time. "In fact, ducklings are hatched from eggs. You want to know how the baby was born, right? "

Divide into several parts and answer one point at a time. If you are not satisfied with your answer, the child will tell you. If he thinks he got a satisfactory answer, he will tell you, so that the question can come to an end … at least for now.

It takes time for children to digest problems. So be patient, the child may continue to ask questions, or even ask this question repeatedly, because it takes time for the child to process this information, and you have to tolerate this. If the child asks the same question again, make sure your answers are consistent. Never say "I told you so".

Tell the truth. When answering questions, try to tell the truth, tell the truth, and always remember the child's age and cognitive level. This will ensure that the child will ask you questions next time instead of seeking answers through other channels.

Since the wild generation in the past are all parents now, I often encounter the question: When children ask questions about sex, drugs and rock and roll, should parents tell the truth about their past? The generation who lived the most colorful life when they were young and frivolous, once they were parents, they most strongly wanted to cover up their past. How interesting this is.

Remember to pay a return visit You can ask your child, "Did I say what you wanted to ask?" Or: "Do you think this is the answer you want?" Or: "Any other questions?" In this way, you can know how the child feels, and you can also roughly judge how much he understands what you just said. For some children, it is best to ask questions at the end of the conversation. For other children, it is necessary to have a small "return visit" after the conversation is over for a period of time. This depends on the specific situation, and the "return visit" can be carried out within 20 minutes to several hours after the conversation. This will give children some time to digest and understand, and the "return visit" is usually initiated by you. When it comes to some unpleasant topics or conversations about some bad behaviors, sometimes you will get a firm response "I don't want to talk about that again." In this case, you can say, "You don't have to talk about this question, I'll talk about it then." Sometimes, parents are nervous to ask some questions again, but it is necessary to "pay a return visit", which will consolidate the effect of the conversation and produce an appropriate rational distance from the children.

It's normal not to answer. If you can't answer your child's questions, it's normal, which also gives your child a chance to learn how to find answers. You can say, "I think there will be an answer in that book." We can also go to the library to check. " Or: "We can call Uncle Ryan and ask him if he knows the answer." Or: "Let's search on Google and see if we can find the answer."

The Influence of Modern Communication Technology on Communication

Modern communication technology is a double-edged sword. It enables communication to be carried out anytime and anywhere, which greatly facilitates people's communication, but at the same time weakens the interactivity of people's communication, leaving only one element in communication: language. When reading short messages, people can often infer the following when they see the beginning. This will miss more things, no sensory interaction, no instant communication between you and me, only cold words. E-mail, online chat, Weibo and other people's space messages are all the same. Recent research points out the importance of people's face-to-face communication. Only through face-to-face communication can we see each other's facial expressions, so that mirror neurons can play a role and both sides can share their feelings.

In the United States, as people rely more and more on modern communication technology, there are fewer and fewer opportunities for more meaningful traditional communication. I don't want to completely eliminate those mobile phones and computer networks from our lives (in fact, it is easier to put away children's mobile phones than to throw away their BlackBerry). I just want to suggest that you find a more reasonable balance.

Once, three children left a deep impression on me. They look about 6 years old, 8 years old, 10 years old, sitting in a row of chairs in the restaurant. They sat side by side, but did not play together. Instead, they buried themselves in the iPod. Children of this age should play and laugh together, so that they can be like brothers. But their iPod have alienated each other. How sad it is that they are so busy playing iPod that they even ignore the conversation between their parents and them!

Excessive dependence on modern communication technology deprives people of lively and interesting communication in which all senses participate. Watching Weibo can't take the place of watching the other person's expression, nor can we perceive the tone of the other person's voice, nor can we get the other person's immediate response. Will face-to-face communication fade out of life? I hope not!