The inner monologue of a working girl: the heart is not strong enough, so she can only eat by her face.

I haven't been home for years. All the girls about my age in our village have come out to work. Several of them who can learn have been admitted to the university. After graduating from college, they have taken root in the city, and the rest are married and have children in their hometown. Now the children can play soy sauce. Those who can read are blessed by God, and their fate is in their own hands. Those students with good grades are basically doing well now, while those who stay in their hometown are resigned to their fate, and their living conditions are a little harder, but the requirements are not high. They get married, have children and live happily.

To be honest, most of us who come out to work don't want to go back to the countryside, but we can't always stand firm in the city. It's really a dilemma.

Sometimes I want to go back to my hometown. After all, my parents are here, and I want to find an honest and filial boy to live in my hometown for the rest of my life. Taking care of parents, men and children is a complete life.

But such a man is really hard to find. Most boys my age have come out to work. There are basically only old people and children left in the village, and sometimes it is uncomfortable to go home. Find a husband-in-law who is close to his parents, and usually work halfway. Many sisters come out to work and know their fellow villagers. They thought it appropriate, talked about it, and went back to get married.

I was born in the countryside after 80s, and my parents are very kind to our brothers and sisters. I grew up eating, drinking and wearing. Although I can't say that I eat well and dress well, I have never been hungry. Considering that my father is still very capable and my mother is very virtuous, I brought up all three sisters.

When I was a child, I was very naughty. I like a boy, play together, and go crazy every day. Childhood is always carefree and innocent. Now think about it, the happiest years are those of childhood.

From school to junior high school graduation, it is also ordinary. Parents always say that they should study hard, and they can only talk about it. As for whether they can understand it, there is nothing they can do. Study hard, where can I listen to this? I am not sensible and playful. The teaching level in the town is also average. Anyway, there are only one or two students who have been admitted to the county high school for nine years of compulsory study.

Most students go their separate ways after graduating from junior high school. Those who especially don't want to study, follow their relatives outside and go out to work in Guangdong, Fujian./kloc-Under the age of 0/8, they can only go to black factories or service industries. Some female students stop studying and some stay at home. Matchmakers usually get engaged when they pull strings.

Half of the female students enter the high school in the town. Few middle schools in the town are admitted to universities, no matter the style of study or the enrollment rate, and there are hundreds of undergraduates who take the college entrance examination every year, mostly in higher vocational colleges.

Many boys and girls began to fall in love, and several couples got married as soon as they graduated from high school, and then went out to work together. There are happy people and unhappy people.

I also had a relationship for no reason, and then I broke up after graduating from high school. Some people stopped studying when I was a freshman and a sophomore, and basically went out to work. I don't want to learn early either. Average grades, average looks. I can only wait until I graduate from high school.

I want to learn, and I know that knowledge changes my destiny. Reading is the only way out, but I just can't read and don't want to read.

In this way, I went to school in a daze every day and drifted off to the second year of high school. Deeply hurt by the boy I love, I don't want to study, I don't want to get married in my hometown, I want to go out and see the outside world. I contacted my classmates who had been out before, but my father didn't agree. In any case, he asked to graduate from high school.

The temptation of high school is also great. Seeing some junior high school students get married and have children, some live happily, find a good husband's family, and my husband is also very kind to himself, which makes me envious.

Students who went out to work in the early days came back lavishly, saying that they had found a lot of money. The outside world is wonderful and full of miracles. They think they want to see the outside world, too.

A few female students who play well are similar to me. They study hard and finish their homework according to the teacher's requirements, and their grades are the same, just so-so. I thought it was just so-so. Anyway, I can't get in the exam, I can't get good grades, and it's not easy to enter their circle.

Everyone still despises each other. Those with good grades look down on us. We look down on people with poor grades. Anyway, they are all in their own circles.

My parents never forced me to get married, although my mother occasionally mentioned that all my daughters were married and married to the right in-laws, and their lives were very good, so I didn't want my parents to worry about such things at all.

I also have the idea of getting married quickly. If you are lucky, you will marry a good husband's family and save a lot of parents' worries and jobs. I have been obedient since I was a child, and I will do whatever my parents say. Although they didn't finish junior high school, I think they are all for the good of our three sisters. However, my father thinks I'm only eighteen years old, and he supports me if I want to go out to work. It's good to go out for a walk and broaden your horizons.

According to the truth, the whole family is similar. Same parents, same family, same environment. Later, my brothers and sisters loved reading, and they were all very good. I haven't figured this out yet.

I can only say that I'm not cut out for reading, and I'm used to being lazy from the beginning. Although he is sensible, he may not have the talent and interest in reading.

I went out with my relatives and took a long-distance bus to Shenzhen for more than ten hours. Due to the introduction of relatives, I was arranged to be a "screw" in the assembly line. Later, I moved to my classmate, hometown, and the last person to find a job alone. I have done a lot of things over the years.

The company has arranged a dormitory for eight people. Because the morning and evening classes are staggered, there are four people for a long time. Like a flowing water mat in the country, people come and go noisily, mostly from all corners of the country, and there is no fixed rest time. At first, we all chatted in the dark, and everyone's situation was similar. They don't like reading, so they come out, and slowly there is not much common language.

People change too fast. They just want to have a heart-to-heart talk with a girl. They either went to other factories, or found boyfriends, or went straight back to their hometown to get married.

The assembly line work is very tiring, and the basic salary is too low. If you don't work overtime, you will get very little money, but you don't care if a person is full and the whole family is not hungry. If they don't work overtime, women with families will complain. They are willing to work overtime every day, so that they can pay more money to subsidize their families.

There are too few cases of not working overtime at first. Work for more than ten hours every day and go to bed after work. Streamline dormitory life at two o'clock every day, and have no time to play in the city. Shopping together to buy clothes, pants and daily necessities on holidays.

In the first year, there is no big expense except the usual pocket money. Most of the money was sent back to parents. My mother said not to touch me a penny, but to keep it for me. I called them to my brothers and sisters, which also lightened their burden. Father is very stubborn, and he can't open the pot many times at home, but mother is still not allowed to touch the money. Later, I simply gave it to my brothers, sisters and family members, and I gave it to them, which can reduce their burden.

After a long time, this kind of work will make people lose their temper, plus they are almost 20 years old, and their hearts begin to be restless. In the first year, I went back for the Spring Festival and sold a big box. My grandparents, old and young, all brought gifts back.

With some money, my heart began to stir, so I worked day and night all the year round and worked at night for a long time. Suddenly I feel so miserable and lonely outside, and I start to feel homesick and don't want to go out.

Mother began to sound out whether she had a boyfriend and when to get married. I'm a little panicked. I don't want to do assembly line work since the second year, and I rarely have the opportunity to meet boys, let alone meet the right ones. At this time, several boys in my hometown also had this meaning and idea for me. I talked with one of them for several months, and we both planned to go back and get married together, and then we broke up for various reasons.

Sisters who work together around them usually work for a period of time, find a suitable boyfriend, talk about it, and the two go back to get married. The woman gives birth to a child at home to take care of, and the man comes out to work alone. When the children are almost old, they will be left to the elderly, and they will come out together to earn three or two years, go back to repair the house and settle down the children and the elderly. Life will get better and better, and when the conditions are good, the wife can take care of the children and support the elderly at home.

If you meet a man with a bad personality, it's probably an unfortunate girl. Many sisters who work together are unfortunate. They gave birth to several children to men, lived in two places for a long time, and had many family conflicts. Women are at home, and men are eating, drinking, whoring and gambling outside. what can I say? There are good people and bad people.

Learn to dress up and make up slowly, know how to tidy up yourself, and learn some skills of dressing and matching. It's really an old saying: there are no ugly women, only yourself who can't dress up.

Don't tell me that if you dress up beautifully, the rate of turning around will be higher, and more boys will ask me for my phone number. There was a time when losing weight was very popular among girls. I lost dozens of pounds without eating or drinking, and even my face looked good when I was thin.

Well, that's too much. I digress, and briefly talked about my life background and growing experience.

Didn't you ask me how to eat by my face? I'll start talking about this part below. Hey, hey, sister ... You're not asleep, are you?

Then I didn't want to do assembly line work. Too bitter, too tired, too depressed, mainly because I am worried that I will not get married and meet the right person. My heart is also dishonest. I watched my friends, classmates and fellow villagers get married. Some found rich people, some went home to get married, some found other provinces, and some never got married.

In the hearts of girls, who doesn't want to find a rich, handsome man who knows how to love himself, but this is the reality. I've never had such good luck that you can have it all by yourself. It is often the rich who are dishonest. Honest people who have no money, handsome and playboy are ugly. It depends on who bows to reality first. Girl, where can I stand it? Men in their 40 s and 50 s can marry young girls in their 17 s and 18 s and replace them with women in their 40 s and 50 s. Where can they find boys in their 17 s and 18 s?

Working out alive is too monotonous and boring, harder and more tired than studying. In a closed factory, there are no friends to talk to, and everyone seems to get by, but few people are willing to express their thoughts.

Not long after I came to the city with my friends, I saw the world this time. The so-called external and world, this is the real world, all kinds of feasts are intoxicating, and there are countless luxurious and high-end places.

First, I worked with my friends in a brand clothing store on the commercial pedestrian street. Quite relaxed. I only work eight hours a day. The basic salary plus commission is better than the assembly line, and the salary is good, but it didn't take long to quit.

Because I know more friends and sisters, I want to work in a place with higher salary. Good sisters are the front desk of the hotel. They are beautiful and in good shape. The natural advantages of women are obvious. If she has a rich family, she won't worry about the rest of her life.

I have the same idea. After all, I am not ugly. Girls study to find a good job, earn money, marry a good man and live in peace. How can I put it? Students admitted to college may have a greater chance of meeting a good man, but it doesn't rule out that I can't meet a good man!

Soon, I jumped ship to sell jewelry. Later, my purpose became clearer. I bought a high-end watch and really met a rich man. I also met a few people who have a little feeling for me, and slowly began to associate. At this time, my salary has been several times that of the assembly line, which is very satisfying. I thought it was really not astronomical to earn tens of thousands a month.

A few days after I went back in the second year, there were some rumors in the village that I might have been someone else's mistress outside, kept by a man, or sold. Their reason is that I suddenly became rich, dressed in fashion, dressed in skirts and pantyhose in winter, dressed as a ghost, my hair dyed yellow, my face was white and clean, and I suddenly became tall, thin and beautiful.

I really didn't have it then. The money in hand is all clean and hard wages, which is quite wronged. I secretly cried at home for several days during the New Year. You said this kind of rumor spread quickly. A few days after the Spring Festival, all the eight villages in Shili knew about it. My mother doesn't talk much, and I'm so angry that I haven't eaten at home for several days. It's useless for me to explain. The more I explain, the darker it gets.

That was the last time I went home. It's been years.

I can't stay at home any longer, which makes the people in the village look at me differently for the next few days. I was going to rush back to Shenzhen, but my dad said that I had to call the eighth day of the first month to go out when the days were bad.

More people speak slowly, and my parents believe it. The next few days were basically quarreling with them. After all, the family was very kind when they left.

I am very wronged to come out this time. I was wronged for no reason and my reputation was ruined. It's almost impossible to get married again in the future. Either find a foreigner from other provinces, or I can only find it in the city. I really want to meet a man who is kind to me.

When I came back from the Spring Festival, I dated a man who bought a watch and soon slept together. Although there are some secular purposes, I am still trapped and unable to extricate myself.

I had this idea before, just thinking about it. After all, how can I touch such a career that everyone says is "lying down to earn money"?

Later, I found myself a mistress and was "kept" by him. Although I cried my eyes out, I decided to leave. I can't stand doing anything that destroys other people's families.

Society is really a place with a lot of ripeners. Throw it in for a year or two and everything will be clear. Girls are born to learn makeup. By the way, some people point and look around by themselves. I am no different from those beautiful women in the city. I feel ugly, inferior and conceited when I study. I went out to work and slowly recovered my confidence. When I really entered the society, I found that beauty is really a good card. I've never played. After this, I'm ready to play.

Later, I went to clubs, bars, dance halls and sometimes hair salons. I'll go where there's more money, that is, I'll do the job of a lady you said.

There are two kinds of girls around me, one is really taking this as love, and the other is going after his money. There is a third category, which is me. I can't tell whether it's for money or love. Did you say someone found love? Yes, yes, although it is relatively small. Did you find the money? I found it, quite a few. In fact, most of the money was sent back except my own expenses.

There is a skeleton in the cupboard. Many sister families are like me, even worse than mine. They all try their best to make money, and sometimes their families even wait to use the money to save people. Who doesn't know that this matter itself is at the expense of moral bottom line, exploring crazily on the edge of law.

But once in, it's too difficult to figure it out, and then go back to the assembly line. Who wants to suffer? No one forces you to leave at any time, but you are used to high consumption and have to pay for clothes, shoes and cosmetics every month. Many people can't go back to their hometown to get married and have children. Where can there be an airtight wall in the world? Everyone in my hometown knows something, and my face and dignity can't be saved.

Just like the feeling of selling themselves at once, sisters are afraid of themselves, but they are all afraid. Those who are not infected escape, those who are infected can only live with regret and pain, and there are various gynecological diseases and gynecological inflammation, which are basically common to everyone.

Many men pursue fast-paced relationships between men and women, but they just have some unfair experiences. Over time, everyone knows the rules and hidden rules of the game, and I feel a little dirty and immoral. No matter how beautifully packaged these things are, they can't hide their filth.

No matter how free and noble men talk about themselves, they can't get rid of the essential difference that we are ladies and they are guests.

In fact, I didn't know these truths until now. Who cares about reading these books? Some of my sisters have been working until middle age, some don't want to come out, and they are trapped by personal family and other reasons. Some people change careers after working for a period of time and fly away when they earn enough money.

Everyone is eating a youth meal. The older you get, the less valuable you are. Everyone panicked and had no idea about the future and the rest of their lives. Most people take it one step at a time, but everyone knows that it is impossible to work for a lifetime. Just for one reason, everyone has everyone's plans.

I'm not afraid of your jokes. Later, these entertainment venues were closed in large numbers. Some of my sisters were homeless, depressed and committed suicide, and some were starved to death. The advantage is that many people have returned to their normal lives, and many people who have made preparations for the next step early have made up their minds. Like us, they are watching.

Youth will eventually come to an end. I've been thinking about what I'm going to do in the future, and I can't always rely on my youth to make a living.

I don't want to find a rich man now, which is unrealistic and I don't want to go back to work. The salary is too low to buy clothes and cosmetics every month. I can go back to my hometown to see my parents, and I will never give up when I get married and have children.

Now I think, change the city, change the environment, find a permanent job first, and take it one step at a time!

No, I've been recording it for you with a tape recorder. I can print it when I convert it into words and correct typos and sick sentences.

I don't think so. You talk too long, your logic is too confusing, and you have been beating around the bush to excuse yourself. Haven't you noticed? In fact, your story is very simple: the rural poor were born, and their childhood was bitter and funny. They didn't study hard and didn't want to get married early. The only way out was to work. After work, all kinds of temptations add up and finally intensify, relying on face and youth to eat. She became what they called "miss", "escort", "professional mistress" and "prostitute". She can't be a lifetime, so now she is very confused and helpless about the future.

-Don't worry, no one will judge you. This is normal, but everyone is normal. There may not be many people who want to finish reading your experience. Everyone's time is too precious. Few people can calm down and finish reading this story. Just relax.

-I won't change the order of your speech, and I won't deal with it, so it's not your story. In fact, if the story is told backwards, the effect may be better, or the reader may be more interested by saying the middle first and then the two ends. You can only say it once in chronological order, and many people are not interested. These three points are the core of your story. Girls must study hard, keep their eyes open and find a good man, knowing that their abilities and desires match. One more thing, you can't exchange your youthful body and appearance for money. These are all external bonus items, but they cannot be directly used for trading.

Sister, this has nothing to do with working or not. I can only say that if you really don't come out, you won't be engaged in this industry. After work, you did what you thought was the last thing to do step by step. The problem lies with you. You can't stand the temptation of money and material things, because you read less, get something for nothing, or your cognition and understanding have some deviations. Of course, it may be related to the huge development gap in the impetuous era of society.

In fact, you already have the answer in your heart, you have paved the way for yourself, and you are slowly moving towards a better road, aren't you? Love yourself more for the rest of your life, and I believe you can get out of trouble. Come on!

Live strong. I'll sort out the story later and give it to you as a birthday present.

Postscript: I haven't adapted the plot of the story, except for the drooling words and typos, which are all intact. So you can see that what she said before is a bit messy and complicated, with many inconsistencies and loopholes, but this is what she said.

For this profession, the story itself is right or wrong.

Don't guide the refraction of the family, the dark side of society, negative energy and other things. If you accidentally associate them, it has nothing to do with the story itself.

Text: Lu 1988