I want to seriously miss you once

I want to miss you seriously once, think of tears flowing back, stories turning around, feelings recycled, well, just once.

一

My name is Su Wen and your name is Mai Xing. I never told you when I met you that your name is so nice.

I am slightly fat and have dark skin. I am neither ugly nor beautiful. I am even the kind of person who doesn’t want to look at me in a crowd. And you are the one who in the crowd wants to catch up and take a few more glances. Well-proportioned, ordinary facial features are dazzling because of fair skin. Although it is a bit funny to say this, I pay attention to you, not because of those. It is difficult for a person like me to be shameless because of appearance. I pay attention to you. It's your earring, it has my favorite symbol on it - infinity, that's all.

It was the summer vacation after the high school entrance examination. I had nothing to do and signed up for a guitar class. The guitar class was divided into three levels. I was the lowest level, you were the highest level, and the highest level. It was probably just that kind of thing. Occasionally come and play with the teacher to improve your music level. You have a good relationship with the teacher, so much so that you agreed to help him in all his classes after the accident at home. That day, the teacher took you to explain the situation to us, and you kindly began to introduce yourself to us.

"Hello, my name is Mai Xing, and I will teach you the next class this summer." This was your opening statement in my life, and I will always remember it.

When I look at the infinity symbol on your ear, I feel happy and worried at the same time, just like a glutton who accidentally discovers food. He is overjoyed, but how can he eat it gluttonously?

That night, I created a QQ account and searched for an hour in the QQ group for an 18-year-old account that matched yours. You pass, say hello politely, I reply, hello. You asked me who I was, and I said I was a former piano class student, but now I can’t go because I have to study. You said that girls who learn piano are very elegant. I said, then I have half the temperament.

The Internet is a really good thing, you can tamper with everything about yourself.

We had a three-hour class, and I talked to you for less than three minutes. And that night, we talked until late at night. You said, sing together in the future, I said yes.

The intimacy between you and me on QQ gave me an inexplicable confidence. At that time, I stubbornly believed that you would like me and confess to me. Of course, this confidence does not extend to daily life. When I meet you to learn guitar, I still dare not look at you, and I still get the wrong chords. But you are the kind of person who is kind to everyone, so you don’t blame me, you just touch my head and patiently demonstrate to me. You also gave me a baby out of the kindness of being close to me. Nickname - Silly Fatty. You said silly fat man, you should practice more, so that silly fat man smiled until the flesh on his face was squeezed into folds. If possible, I really want to wake up that fat man, no, I really want to wake up that fat man, no matter what No matter what, you can't please or ask for it in that way.

I usually take the initiative to chat with you in the evening. One day I just finished taking a shower and saw your message. I was so excited that I bit my fingers and giggled. But that's not good news for you. You said your parents are getting divorced.

I said: "Are you scared?"

"It's not that I'm afraid, it's just hard to imagine."

"It's okay, you have me. "

Then you brought up the topic that I had been deliberately avoiding - "Then you go with me to get a tattoo. You always say that you want to accompany me, but you don't even do it. "

"It's not good for the two of us to go out alone."

"What's wrong?"

"No more chatting, I'm going to study. ”

Turn off the computer. In your mind, the person you are chatting with is a girl named Su Xiaoxiao. She is a sophomore in high school. She is free and easy, handsome and serious. She may also look like your ideal type. You and She chats, and you feel it’s too late to meet her. But in real life, I am like a turtle with a shrunken head. I dare not stick my head out. I just laugh and cry inside. You don’t know, and you don’t want to know.

Maybe it’s because after you say something to someone, you are more willing to rely on that person. Later, you will take the initiative to talk to me, such as how your parents quarreled and how they arranged their property. But in daily life, you are still the same as usual. I watch you casually joking with others, thinking about the troubles behind your smile, and secretly think that I have a place in your heart.

"School is about to start, and I will be in my senior year of high school when school starts."

"Then you must study hard."

"

I know the topic of meeting is about to start.

"You come with me to get a tattoo before summer vacation. "

"Wait a little longer. "

"What are you waiting for. "

Wait... wait for me to become thinner, wait for me to become more beautiful, wait until I think I can stand next to you.

"I have to make up for classes every day recently, and I have no time at all. . "

"I'm in a bad mood, can't you just stay with me? "

"Don't I chat with you every day? "

"That's not what I want. I want to speak normally in person. "

"Is it that important? "

"Of course, do you want to be my online friend for the rest of your life? ”

“No, just wait.” ”

“It’s up to you. "

"Every time you say it's up to you, it means you are angry. In the past, every time I saw these two words, I would seriously coax you. But not this time, because I am really busy. "

"Oh. ”

Later I sent a lot more messages, but you didn’t reply to me anymore. You have so many friends, and I’m just a person who accidentally listened to your story, so I don’t think it’s a big deal to you. But I I was afraid, and I stayed up all night, thinking about how to cleverly avoid the problem of meeting and reconcile with you.

When you came to class the next day, you found your favorite hazelnut chocolate on the table. There is also a card with your name on it, and the card says - Be happy

"Who sent this? "You asked a group of us students. I didn't answer, but others said: "I don't know, it was already on the table. "You looked at the card and smiled, then told us to practice our own songs, picked up the phone to send a message, my phone was vibrating in my pants, you couldn't hear it, but I could see your smile.

2

Many people say that a lie requires more lies. In fact, there are not so many. One lie is enough.

You are here. Experimental high school, then I am in foreign language high school. Even though I am indeed in the same high school as you, I only learned this when I started military training. I don’t have many friends in a new environment, but some gossipy girls can always make me the most handsome in the school. The most beautiful and naughty people surprised us civilians when they found out. They said during the break of military training, Mai Xing, Zhou Liyang, I heard your name.

The first day of military training. I am very tired, and the lunch at noon is hard to swallow. I will send it to you using the large QQ number you added to me - "Brother Xing, we are in the same high school. I am so tired on the first day of military training. Is there any delicious food in the school?" ? The food tasted terrible today. "

After waiting for a long time, the phone vibrated. It was the message you sent to my trumpet - "How's it going? I saw a bunch of people training in the military today. How did you spend your time in the military training? "

I want to laugh so much that you sent a message to care about me. I really want to cry. The me you care about is not the real me.

I will reply to you - "To me For such a person, military training is a piece of cake. ”

Later, when you and I had already said good night to each other, I received your message over there - ah, Silly Fatty, I just played games and didn’t see you. It’s very late, please go to bed quickly. , the military training is just forbearance, just in time to lose weight.

Of course Silapang did not reply, but she firmly believed that she would take advantage of the military training to lose 10 pounds, so that she could tell you and keep chatting with you. It wasn't Su Xiaoxiao, but...

So I didn't eat the next day, and someone fell down in the queue at night

Everyone who wants to lose weight will set one for themselves. Fantasy, a few pounds a month, every person with low self-esteem will make up a dream for himself, one day he will be very beautiful, and the person he likes will confess to him.

How silly, I realize now that many people have done such stupid things in their youth, but my stupidity was more dramatic.

Your parents did not divorce because they considered your senior year in high school, but their farce brought a lot of trouble. You often skipped classes, you smoked and drank, and you chatted with Xiao Xiao about your life every day.

Well, Su Wen didn’t go around showing off that she knew you, nor did she try. Close to you.

Your senior class is in the north of the school, closest to the cafeteria. I don’t mean it, but I like to eat so much that I always want to see you, but the more I want to see you. , the less I can see you.

The real drama of the story is when you were selected to perform the finale during the school anniversary celebration.

"Are you free on December 10th?"

"What's wrong? What's going on?"

"On the school anniversary, I want you to come see me. "

"How can I be a foreign student?"

"Why not? This is the last year and I really want you to come."

"Let's talk about it then."

I thought I could just fool him like I did every time before, but the next day, you sent me a message on QQ.

"I'm at your school, come and pick me up."

Later, I dealt with you for a long time, but you insisted on meeting me. So I made the second wrong decision and called my cousin.

After telling my cousin the general situation, she agreed to help me cover up my lie.

I don’t know what happened after that day. You didn’t send any more messages to my account after that day. I think my cousin told you the actual situation, and you don't want to talk to me anymore, so I don't dare to disturb you. Just like that, the first semester passed, and I didn't become more beautiful, and the person I liked didn't like me either.

Three

At that time, I thought you were my whole world, so I wanted to be close to you no matter what, so I went to learn guitar during the winter vacation. As expected, you are still an advanced and advanced person who plays music. , help the teacher teach us voluntarily.

"Hey, silly fat, are you here again?"

I nodded shyly, but suddenly realized that you are not angry with me, does that mean My cousin didn't tell you the actual situation.

I knew the answer that day, but she didn’t, and she told me another lie. She said she wanted to use a QQ with only your QQ in it, so you added her QQ, and then, that’s now.

That day, I felt very sad. I thought that level would be uncomfortable enough, but it was not enough.

My cousin apologized to me during our family reunion. "I'm sorry, sister, it was okay at first, but then I was chatting with him, and he confessed to me, and we were together."

"It's okay." I answered indifferently. How could it be okay, how could she not know that I have a crush on you, and how could she. But I didn’t shed tears. People like me seem to have been doing the work of forgiving others. After all, there must be something outstanding inside and outside.

Do you know when a person truly becomes beautiful and free and easy? It was when she gave up her fantasy and faced herself.

Because of my cousin, you have more contact with me. You will ask me about my cousin’s preferences during breaks in class, and I can answer them as if nothing happened, although many of them are made up at random. At that time, you no longer called me silly fat, and I was also trying my best to get rid of the title of silly fat.

I drank slimming tea and exercised hard. I was even too sad and had anorexia and vomiting. Throughout the winter vacation, I lived on the edge of life. Every day I felt that the sky was dark and the earth was dark, but I still gritted my teeth and persisted. You hurt me. Me, I hurt myself too.

One day when school started, we met by chance in the cafeteria. "Wow, Su Wen, you've lost a lot of weight." You said to me with surprise in your eyes.

"No, no, are you going to eat?"

"Yeah, let's go, let me treat you to dinner."

"No, I have something else to do. "

The management of the senior high school has become stricter, and you can't leave the school at will, so you like to sit and play in the cafeteria, and I see you more and more often.

One day I was shopping at the canteen and my card maxed out. While I was wondering what to do, you came over and swiped the card for me.

"Thank you, I will transfer it to your Alipay later."

"It's okay, it's not a lot of money. Do you have physical education classes?"

"Yeah, I don't want to exercise. , and ran away."

"Shall we go and buy you some milk tea?" You bought the milk tea without waiting for my answer.

"Aren't you a senior in high school? Why don't you go to class?" I ask you.

"I don't want to go."

"Is it because of my parents?" You looked at me in surprise.

"Your cousin told you." I shook my head, nodded and lowered my head.

"Your cousin is an amazing person.

"

I raised my head and looked at him in confusion.

"I chatted a lot with her on QQ before. When we chatted, I felt that she was a person who understood me very well. Later, when we met, I found that she was indeed very beautiful, matched well with me in every aspect, and was very gentle, but I just felt that she was not very similar to before. ”

“Oh, are you thinking too much? The more you get in touch with someone, the more you can discover her different sides. Now you have seen another side of her.” ”

You nodded, “Maybe, but you are more mature than I thought. Let’s talk more about it later.” ”

I finished drinking the milk tea and didn’t answer. In fact, I wanted to say something negative at the time, but luckily I didn’t. You told my cousin that conversation verbatim. This was during dinner at home later. She told me that girls were so jealous. I cut my long hair short that afternoon, not for you or her, but because I didn’t like myself to be feminine. I was afraid that I would become a girl like my cousin. I'm afraid that I still have illusions about you.

On that day, I knew that I liked you, to a terrible extent, but I couldn't like you anymore, because you are not who I am.

I am a very unique person. The first person to say this is you, and the second one is Jiang Maotang.

It was a chemistry class. The chemistry teacher had a serious bias. He was commenting on the podium. When talking about the exam paper, every time I talked about a question, I pointed out a certain classmate of Sang Huai. Later, I talked about the question that I was wrong about.

"This question is so simple, there are some self-righteous students who don't know what it is." What a proud man, I see him still feeling complacent every day after doing something wrong. "

I didn't say anything, stood up and walked out of the classroom. In fact, I was a little urgent to urinate at the time, and I was really angry, so I went out as soon as my head got hot. When get out of class was over, Jiang Maotang approached me and said Then we gradually became friends.

Jiang Maotang is a gangster student. His family has a gang background, so everyone in the school is afraid of him. I have always been a loner. My friends also found it strange. One night you had an argument with someone in the canteen, and the quarrel was so fierce that all the classmates who were shopping stayed away. But when I saw you among the rioters, I immediately rushed forward. Jiang Maotang followed me.

"What are you doing. "I said to the person on the other side.

"This man stole my girlfriend. "I looked at you, then turned to the man and said, "Is your girlfriend Su Chenchen? "

"How do you know? "

"I am her cousin. She took the initiative to find him. You can ask her. I guess he doesn't even know that she has a boyfriend. "

"Do you believe me? ”

“Would I not help my family but a stranger?” "The man looked at my firm look and stopped talking, and left with the others.

You threw away my hand and left alone.?

" Who is he? "Jiang Maotang asked me. "My guitar teacher and my cousin's boyfriend. ”

“Oh my God, you can also play the guitar.” I pretended to be proud, "Of course, I know a lot. I even won a national gold medal in painting in elementary school." ”

You have never asked me what I know, and you have never tried to understand me. This may be a very sad thing.

I called my cousin that night.

“Why are you doing this? "

"What did you say? ”

“Don’t pretend to me, it was you who asked Mai Xing to be your boyfriend, and you also have two interests. "

"Sister, he just broke up with me, and I'm so annoyed right now. Can you not mention this? "

"Don't disturb him. "

"Look at what you said, doesn't that give you a chance? "

"Oh, I really didn't expect this to be what my cousin said. "

"I really like him, really. ”

I let out a long sigh, “If you want me to tell your bad things to my family, and you don’t want us to welcome you anymore, just do that.” "

"How could you do this to me? "

"Think about what you did to me back then. "

After saying that, I hung up the phone. I really can't forgive the person I like being hurt like this. Later, her boyfriend quarreled several times and wanted to beat you, but I asked Jiang Maotang to come forward to solve the problem. You don’t know, you don’t know a lot of things.

Four

That period should be your most vulnerable time, but I did not take advantage of it.

About a week after you broke up, you sent me a message - "Su Wen, please accompany me to get a tattoo."

"Okay." We decided on a time and place. What else to say, that was the first time, I said yes, I will no longer be timid because of my appearance.

The tattoo you want to get is English - parent. You wanted to get a tattoo at that time, and I knew that the person I like is a clean and warm person.

"Let me get a tattoo too."

"What tattoo do you want? The pattern must be designed in advance. He asked me to design it long in advance." The tattoo artist said to me.

"The infinity symbol is the inverted 8. It's also simple. I guess your design and patterning are faster than his."

"Hmm, then come with me and have a look." "Another tattoo artist said to me.

"Why the infinity symbol?" he asked me while sitting.

"Because I like it, no reason."

You have the tattoo on your wrist, and I have it behind my ear.

It is said that getting a tattoo hurts, but I actually don’t feel it at all. The infinity symbol has no deep meaning. It was just one of your earrings at the time, and it was a high-sounding excuse for me to like you. I tattooed this upside down 8 on my body just to say goodbye to you.

When we finished when it got dark, you smiled at me, and I thought that was enough.

But you don’t think that’s enough.

"I had a chat with your cousin." You said to me on the way back.

"What did we talk about?"

"We broke up."

"I know."

"She said, yes You forced her to break up." I was shocked by these words.

"So?" I answered calmly.

"Why did you do this."

"No reason."

"She said you were jealous."

" So? Then why do you want me to accompany you to get a tattoo?"

"She showed me the chat history. You are the one who has been chatting with me."

"But you. What you need is not someone who can chat with you all the time." I stopped and looked at you. You are tall and lower your head, like a child who made a mistake, but you have done nothing wrong.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

Feelings make people confused and fantasize. I always thought that if you find out that person is me , you may hug me and tell me that I am very important to you, and you may even fall hopelessly in love with me.

But you are not stupid, how could you not be suspicious of those lies, how could you have been wandering around in your cousin's world. In the night that I didn't know about, you also had a conversation, and she would say that she would always be by your side, just like I did before, and you would like her for it.

"Then can we be friends?" You raised your head and asked me seriously.

"Yes." I nodded. When you heard this word, crystal tears fell down, and I patted your back.

"Just treat it as an accident. You have been decadent for so long. Study hard, then go to college, go somewhere else, play music, and let everyone see you. Wouldn't it be great? ?" I said pretending to be old Chen.

"Do you want me to do that?"

"Not just me, I think your parents want it too." You nodded.

"Okay."

We became friends, as if nothing had happened, as if we were just old classmates who met each other, met again after many years, and decided to be good friends. friend. You really didn’t skip class anymore, and you didn’t even appear on QQ anymore. We only met occasionally in the cafeteria. You would buy me milk tea, but I didn’t feel very happy when I should have felt happy.

Five

Actually, I had imagined how sad I would be when you graduated. When you actually graduate, I won't be sad at all. I'm even a little happy. Your departure will give me a blank space and stop me from thinking about various possibilities. I suddenly don't like my infinity symbol. It's better to be finite. No need to expect or daydream. Just take one step at a time. Infinite, always thinking about those impossible things. I hate the impossible.

When you graduated, you sent a message to my trumpet - my parents are divorced, and I want to go somewhere to relax. Let's go together.

I looked at the trumpet, this one is only your QQ, this avatar has been blocked for almost a year, and suddenly I wanted to laugh.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I haven't thought about it, I just don't want to be here."

"I'll think about it."

About 10 days later, you asked me again: "What do you think?"

"My family doesn't agree, so you can go with your friend."

" Haha, you do this every time." I was a little angry at this reply, but I still refrained from getting angry at you.

"Sorry, just have fun."

"Okay."

I didn't tell you about my efforts to convince my family. Because efforts without results are worthless.

You chose Guilin. It is a beautiful place. I know it, but I have never been there.

You didn’t take the initiative to talk to me, and I didn’t take the initiative to talk to you. I was even sad about this. If the end with you was more intense, if it was sharper, if it was sharper, if it had a beginning and an end, maybe I would be more able to accept it, and I would be able to forget you more. However, this unclear, beginningless, and abrupt ending made me refuse to miss you, delete you, and forget you, so my feelings for you continued. A painless existence, you are the straw in my life that will break my life, a drug, an addiction, something that should not be touched or cannot be touched.

On the night of my graduation, I signed up for trumpet on a whim.

"Where are you studying in university?"

"Shenyang." You waited for a long time before replying.

"Is it cold?"

"A little, but there is heating."

"I graduate this year."

"Oh , Congratulations.”

“I’m going to visit Tibet.”

“Have a safe journey.”

“Thank you for this message. You didn't reply to me after that.

Every time you don’t reply, the more I want a reply. Only now do I realize that this is my shortcoming.

"Is Guilin fun?"

You didn't reply to my message. Then the next day when I wanted to start a conversation with an emoticon, I found that you had deleted me. .

It turns out that you can still hurt me in a way that I didn't expect.

Because of you, my relationship with my cousin has never been good, no matter how many gifts she gives me, no matter how much she apologizes.

The real reconciliation happened this year. I am a little older, she is about to get married, and the groom looks a lot like you. We talked about you before when she invited me to dinner alone.

"After all these years, do you still blame me?" Her long hair is beautiful and generous, while my short hair is free and capable.

"I can't say I'm not surprised, but I don't feel anything at all."

"I really liked him. At that time, when I first saw him, I liked him."< /p>

I pursed my lips and smiled, wanting to agree but still feeling distant.

"A lot of the lies you told me, I responded with real information that I didn’t need to tell you because I was online. He also believed it at the time, with a silly look, and I immediately decided that I wanted to be with him. ."

I continued to laugh, a little bitterly.

"But he likes you."

I nodded, not wanting to refute or say anything more.

"He went to Guilin later and went through a very painful thing. He didn't do well in the exam and he repeated his studies. I went to the same school as him, so I could see him. I often gave him gifts, and we also We became friends."

I stood up and interrupted her: "Cousin, stop talking. He didn't want me to know at that time, and I don't want to know now. What's the point of knowing."< /p>

"You still don't want to forgive me."

"Why do you have to forgive me? You are living a good life and I am living a good life. Isn't this enough?"

"I want you to see him. Only you can change him."

"Why should I change him."

"Because I I don’t want the person I like to be like this.

"I looked at my cousin's serious expression, and it turned out that she really liked you.

Seeing that I didn't say anything, she continued: "The year you graduated, you didn't go to Tibet, and he went with you. . "

Therefore, you have also seen the scenery I have seen, and you should also be able to feel the longing that floods me in the scenery.

"After he came back, he changed. I met a person. He used to study every day, but then he fell into despair. He didn't have a job after graduation. Now he drinks and goes to nightclubs every day when he has nothing to do. Did something happen to you in Tibet? ”

What happened in Tibet? There is nothing unique about Tibet. I was just in a daze there all the time. I could be in a daze from morning to night, but I sang a song in the youth hostel there.

That song comes from a now forgotten singer

"Admit", the lyrics of this song are very beautiful, I always put the lyrics into it, thinking that it is telling my story. , and what makes you sad is that sentence - I plan not to see you, and I am determined not to find you, and I will try not to miss you.

I forgot whether I cried when I sang this song. I probably didn't cry so much at that time. After all, it was so hard to like you. It was so hard that I didn't even deliberately calculate how long I lasted. The only thing I deliberately did was to say goodbye to you, but I failed every time and left. Me, I think you are just helping me to do this successfully.

"Nothing happened in Tibet, maybe he just doesn't want to like me anymore. "I said pretending to be relaxed.

My cousin stared at me as if she was seeing a strange person, then shook her head and said: "I didn't expect you have changed so much now. What I said before is indeed true. Just toying with him. "

I wanted to do something to express my anger, but I just picked up the water glass, sipped the water, and then looked at her.

"He has done so much for you. , can’t you look at him? "

What did I pay? In the end, I turned out to be the perpetrator, and the person with the knife turned out to be the victim. I found it very funny, so I laughed out loud.

" I am a junior in college this year and will start looking for a job next year. Before, I got up early every day to study and take exams in order to find a job. It’s not like I’m not pursued by anyone. Someone confessed to me last year. The first thing I thought about was how much time it would waste for me if this person appeared in my life, and then I rejected him. I was not like this before. In order to wait for him to reply to me, I would hold my phone in my hand until I fell asleep. In order to meet him by chance, I wandered around the school. I even skipped meals in order for him to look at me more. What have I ever done for him? I probably do a lot of things to please myself. And you? You snatched him away at that time, and now you ask me to find him. Isn't this too cruel? The world is not run according to your ideas. ”

She probably didn’t expect me to say so many words, so she looked at me blankly. In fact, we both thought at the time that we had done many earth-shattering things, and we were just people who should know. If we don't know it at the right time, it means nothing.

If we meet, will we be silent or share our difficulties, with tears or smiles?

I won't let us. See you again.

The end.

This is our story. I have even forgotten many details. There are only a few scenes in which I, as the protagonist, feel heartbroken and sad. , I try to forget you, but I am always forced to remember you.

So I decided to miss you, think of you in this way, miss you seriously, and think about what happened in every picture with you. What, why do I like you, why do I not want to like you anymore? I have always denied myself, denied you, denied that our relationship ended before it started, so I have never forgotten you, so now I admit that I miss you, admit that I secretly admit it. I like you, admit that you are a wonderful person, and admit that I am a unique person.

In this way, I don’t have to be busy and settle for ordinary. In this way, you will not be the person who is devastated by others.

That's fine.