Make up with your avoidant partner quickly.

I never got it, but I can imitate it, but it's all appearances. My heart is empty. I can't give you more. I also want to get a lot of love, understanding and care. You gave it to me, but I'm afraid to get it. Now we have some emotional problems. What should I do? Maybe I really don't deserve it? Familiar, isn't it? This is what avoidant people often say.

Ron Gullander, an American psychologist, mentioned three types of dependence in his book "Moderate dependence brings us closer", namely, moderate dependence, excessive dependence and estrangement. All this comes from the different emotional feedback that children feel in their early life.

Avoidant attachment is actually an anti-dependence. In the concept of avoidance, they are used to pretending that I don't want others to hide their true feelings and deceive themselves.

So what you are fighting against is to avoid the deep-rooted emotional state of rejection, denial, abandonment and no positive feedback from others in the process of growing up for many years. All these facts are due to. In the past, they could not get emotional response, and were deeply branded by loneliness, alienation and negative avoidance.

The formation of anti-dependence is generally four steps:

1, slowly began to lose trust in others.

2, eager to have a sense of distance, need independent space, and fear of being violated.

3. Take defensive actions and spend a lot of energy to keep a distance from others.

4, completely get rid of the relationship with the outside world, isolated from others in this process, there will be some typical mentality, such as "I can do it myself, I don't need anyone", "They symbolically approach me and will eventually leave me", "Forget it, it's not worth people, it's better to be reliable than their work" and "It's better to trust others than to work hard".

At least my job won't give up on me. "I should be the first person to give up feelings, not the one who was abandoned by feelings." In a love relationship, when the partner doesn't give timely and effective feedback, the thoughts of avoidant lovers are no less than those of anxious lovers. They tend to be cautious and sensitive.

They will habitually avoid problems and contradictions in love relationships, and form the habit of avoiding problems so that they can cheat. Deceive yourself and others, you can turn a blind eye, let alone how to face emotional contradictions and problems.

If in a love relationship, the partner doesn't notice his efforts in time and give positive feedback, then he may completely close himself off and become an ostrich. He will unconsciously keep a certain distance from everyone, including his partner.

His self-exposure needs an extremely long process.

When getting along with his partner, he will also record small details that he is not satisfied with. Once the relationship begins to decline, he will naturally turn these details into reasons for pessimism about the relationship. "I always feel that we are not suitable. Otherwise, let's split up. " Regarding trust and the relationship between people, no matter how he appears in appearance, there will be pessimistic and negative hints in his heart.

Avoidance is a typical man show. He will feel uncomfortable. Usually, if you treat him in a negative way, it will make him look good, even if he pretends to be strong. In view of this psychological feature, in fact, lovers who are attached to avoidance are relatively easy to recover, and they have already shown signs of giving up their relationship. We must make full use of this opportunity instead of letting the relationship really break down. The key to repairing the relationship is timing, and the key to timing lies in people's emotional ups and downs, emotional involvement and emotional feedback.

Understand these psychological mechanisms of avoidance, if you want to repair the relationship, is there any place to master three aspects that can quickly repair the relationship with avoidant attachment lovers:

1, be sure to find opportunities to create a sense of comfort and security, and don't put pressure on each other.

2. Actively communicate and establish mutual feelings. In fact, let him see that you can rely on and you are worthy of his trust. This is the key to eliminating and avoiding the distance between relationships.

3. Looking for opportunities, shifting the center of the relationship, and giving affirmation at the same time can eliminate the inner self-confidence of avoidant lovers, but this requires you to master natural and smooth compliments. If you want to cherish each other's feelings, you must bravely embrace each other's inner inferiority and softness.