The relationship between multiple children all depends on the word "love": Xiaodou's book "A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher 2" 03

"Link" Audio: Relationships with multiple children all depend on the word "love": Xiaodou lectures on "A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher 2"

Now the "three-child" policy has been released Yes, many families choose to have "second" or "third" children. But there also emerged some phenomena that cannot be ignored. For example, some families favor sons over daughters and cannot treat girls fairly after giving birth to a boy; some "big babies" reject younger siblings and even take some extreme actions; and more often than not, parents are tired of dealing with multiple children. , unable to handle the relationship between work, life and family members.

In Teacher Yin Jianli’s book, a parent wrote to say that she was unexpectedly pregnant with her second child, but she was very busy at work and did not even have time to take care of her second child. Now that she has her second child, if she continues If I work, I can’t take care of my two children. If I don’t work, the family’s financial pressure will be great, and I feel very conflicted.

Teacher Yin Jianli replied: "Family education does not require full-time work, and full-time mothers may not necessarily do better than working mothers. On the contrary, many full-time mothers have too much time to educate their children, which is harmful to their children's education." If a child is over-supervised, the child may have less freedom and be more likely to have academic and psychological problems. ”

As for the issue of Dabao’s education, it has nothing to do with when the second child will be born. If Dabao's learning problems must be solved before he can have the energy to get his second child, then he must at least wait until Dabao goes to college. As the children's grades gradually increase, their studies will only become more and more heavy. Will there be less time to have a second child? The fundamental reason why this parent feels anxious is that his child's learning management and mentality are incorrect. The wrong method is certainly not easy and will not achieve good results. Some parents think that they have to accompany their children to do homework every day to be considered responsible parents, or that if they don't work and become a full-time mother, they will have more time to manage their children's studies. But that's not the case. If you have listened to the two sections we talked about before, "Do you need to accompany you when doing homework?" and "Whatever is the best way to supervise", you will understand that if the supervision is right, both parents and children will be relaxed; if the supervision is wrong, the parents will be at ease. Both the kids and the kids are nervous. Even if you are a dual-income family, as long as you have time, you should accompany your children, play with them, tell them stories, cultivate their interest in reading, and do not interfere with your children's homework when they go to school... You will find that whether it is a child or a second child, Children, three children, can easily educate good children.

Another parent wrote to say that since the second baby was born, he sent the eldest baby to his grandma’s house and played with the eldest baby for two or three hours each time before sending him back. When first sending the child away, Dabao would find reasons and excuses not to leave. Later, it seemed as if he knew he had to go to grandma’s house. Every time, he would come over and kiss his mother and then turn around and leave. Looking at that stubborn little figure, he was a mother. I feel particularly uncomfortable. Dabao never left his mother before he was 3 years old, but since the second baby was born, grandma took Dabao away in order not to disturb the second baby. This parent asked teacher Yin Jianli if there was any way to raise the first and second babies together.

In fact, this problem should not be a problem. Thinking about our parents' generation, it was normal for a family to have six or seven children. With the second baby, the eldest baby must leave his mother and be with his grandma. This is a "new invention" and "new creation"!

Why would Dabao disturb Erbao at home? It is nothing more than making noises at night that prevent the second child from sleeping, spanking the second child, increasing the burden on the mother, etc., but no matter what the reason is, it is not enough to deprive the child of maternal love. At the age of 3, he is very attached to his mother. Just because a younger brother or sister is born, he has to leave his mother. How cruel this is to the child! Moreover, the seeds of antagonism between the two children were invisibly planted, which had a great impact on the relationship between the children.

If the elders insist on taking Dabao away, parents must be decisive and firmly keep their children with them. Although it may add some burden, it is really insignificant for adults, and it only takes a few years, but for children, it is enough to affect a lifetime.

When Dabao has these behavioral problems, parents should help their children understand the reasons behind the behavior. They can tell their children: "The reason why parents spend a lot of time with the baby is because he has left now." You can't survive without the care of your parents. When you were young, your parents took care of you in the same way. Now that you have grown up and have the ability to take care of yourself, you are great! How amazing you are to be able to help mom and dad take care of the baby!" Such an interpretation helps Dabao understand his parents' behavior and make the child feel at ease.

Some parents never talk to their children, feeling that they have nothing to say to them, or that their children are still young and cannot understand even if they are told to them. In fact, this underestimates children’s understanding and ignores the importance of communication.

In addition to having a heart-to-heart talk with Dabao, parents should also reflect on whether they have ignored Dabao's feelings in life and whether they have made their children feel insecure. Don't give away the eldest baby just because you have given birth to the second baby; when relatives and friends come to visit the new baby at home, you should pay attention to guide everyone to allocate part of their attention to the eldest baby, and not everyone to focus on the little baby. It is necessary to guide Dabao to participate in the care of the baby. When a conflict occurs between two babies, don't blame Dabao blindly. Don’t force Dabao to give way to Xiaobao in everything. If Dabao could feel the unmistakable love from his parents and not feel a sense of lack in his heart, he would not regard his younger siblings as rivals who stole the love from his parents. The natural blood relationship and the friendship that grew up together will naturally form a strong bond between the children.

When Dabao hits Xiaobao, adults should not overreact. The book talks about a grandmother who always said in front of outsiders that her granddaughter was jealous of her younger brother, would beat him, and was unfriendly to him. After talking too much, the child's behavior not only did not improve, but he became more and more hostile to his younger brother.

Psychology has the concepts of positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. Negative reinforcement means that the more emphasis is placed on a child's shortcomings, the more difficult it will be for the child to overcome this shortcoming. Because parents put a label on their children early, such as "You just love jealousy, you just love lying, you are lazy, you are sloppy..." When a child is always accompanied by a certain label as he grows up, Slowly, he accepted this label and was no longer able to break away from it.

Let’s talk about Dabao hitting Xiaobao. On the one hand, it may be that the child is unhappy because of being left out. On the other hand, it may be just a small friction or contradiction between the children. Adults should view fights between children with a normal mind, view children's behavior with kindness, and do not elevate children's mistakes to a moral level. Don't always accuse children of being "jealous, unfriendly, evil-minded," etc. Etc., this kind of moral accusation will lower the child's self-esteem level and cause the child to have negative emotions such as inferiority, guilt, and self-blame.

Use positive reinforcement to improve your child's behavior. For example, on various occasions, let the child know that she has a good relationship with her younger siblings. Instead of telling others that the child is jealous, it is better to talk about how the child loves her younger brother. When the child knows from the parents' mouth that she is very friendly to her younger brother, she will automatically Repair the relationship with his brother.

Teacher Yin Jianli said: "Don't assume that children are jealous, vindictive, and unreasonable. Such assumptions are the psychological basis for instigating the relationship between siblings. We must firmly believe that children are friendly and tolerant. , Sensible. Both good intentions and malicious intentions have strong reproductive capabilities, it depends on which one we stimulate and cultivate."

Families with many children do face more challenges, but as long as parents can. If you have unconditional love for your children, whether they are boys or girls, big babies or small babies, if you can give them full love and freedom, you will definitely gain more happiness and joy in raising children!

In the previous three sections, we talked about the relationship between husband and wife, the relationship between generations, and the relationship between multiple children. In the next section, we will talk about another type of interpersonal relationship, which is how to guide children to make friends.

Reading opens up a smart life. I am Xiaodou and I love reading. I will accompany you in lifelong learning and lifelong growth!